Thursday, January 12, 2017

The New Jerusalem

  Until the time shall come when it shall be revealed unto you from on high, when the city of the New Jerusalem shall be prepared, that ye may be gathered in one, that ye may be my people and I will be your God.
Doctrine & Covenants. Section 42:9


A refuge for the godly, where the devil must retreat,
is the New Jerusalem, so solemn and so sweet.
I long to see its towers gleam amidst the acid reign
of charlatan and tyrant and all others who cause pain.
Where Christ is welcomed and revered with words that never cloy,
in pure Adamic language that will bring a ceaseless joy! 



Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Folding chairs and the decline of Western Civilization

Have you noticed that Western Civilization is rapidly running out of steam? I can tell you why in just two words:
FOLDING CHAIRS.
The Western world has come to depend too much on folding chairs, and the results are going to be catastrophic. You may call me an armchair Cassandra, so to speak, but mark my words...
  1. Folding chairs promote inequality. The world is rapidly dividing into those who set them up and then sit in them, as opposed to those who luxuriate in Adirondacks, bean bags, club chairs, deckchairs, Morris chairs, La-Z-Boys, wing chairs, and that most decadent of all fundament holders – the chaise longue! The proletariats are not going to stand for sitting in folding chairs much longer. They will rise and snatch Windsor chairs and much more away from the privileged few – and it’s not going to be a pretty sight. The bourgeoisie are just going to have to tuffet out.
  2. How many fingers have been pinched off, or nearly so, by these perfidious folding chairs? Down through the ages men and women have had to struggle along, missing a bit of pinky or index finger, or nursing a black and blue digit. You think they are going to put up with that for much longer? Not likely.
  3. Folding chairs are a conspiracy fobbed off on the general public by a syndicate of chiropractors. After two hours of sitting in one even vertebrae made of cast iron becomes as twisted as a pretzel. Wooden or metal, they cause jumpy legs, knock knees, sloping shoulders, and a host of other malformations that are extremely debilitating. You can’t think straight while sitting in one. If Einstein had sat in one for two hours, we wouldn’t have the Theory of Relativity today---instead we’d have something along the lines of Gelett Burgess’ "I never saw a purple cow.."
  4. Folding chairs encourage regimentation, the kind that totalitarian governments drool over. Have you ever seen a thousand folding chairs lined up neatly in rows? It gets to you. It could make a Mussolini out of Santa Claus!
  5. The metal ones chill the fundament, leaving the body sluggish, the metabolism barely moving. In males they discourage procreation. In females they encourage gum chewing and gum snapping – both so abominable that even if the male had not gotten the grippe from sitting in a folding chair all day he would still not feel like becoming romantic. There goes the birth rate!
We must rid our land of these pestiferous chairs immediately! You can’t sleep in them, rock back and forth in them, or look for spare change – so what earthly good are they? They never biodegrade. I, for one, do not want to know what they are planning during all those long hours spent cooped up in a dank, dark closet.
I say we herd them all together, take ‘em out to sea, and dump ‘em into the Mariana Trench.


Tuesday, January 10, 2017

British Royalty

For ratings to soar on TV
Just show off some Brit royalty.
Get Henry the Eighth,
That fat noble wraith;
Or Vicky and Albert at tea.


Never shortened is thy arm

For I am God, and mine arm is not shortened; and I will show miraclessigns, and wonders, unto all those who believe on my name.
Doctrine & Covenants. Section 35:8 

Name of Power, Name of Light;
Name of All the Stars at Night.
Never shortened is thy arm;
always shielding me from harm.
Signs and wonders come from thee
to the faithful who can see
miracles in storm and peace,
then testify of thy increase. 


Movie Review: Cecil B. DeMille's "The Greatest Show on Earth"

If ever there was a guardian angel for the Ringling clowns it was George Schellenberger. A retired mail carrier with a bungalow in Venice Florida, George put his considerable carpentering and handyman skills to work to help construct sturdy clown props for both the Blue Unit and the Red Unit back in the 1970’s. He did it on the cuff; he just enjoyed the company of professional funsters.

He brought meatloaf sandwiches, hard boiled eggs, and bags of oranges to the arena during rehearsals to feed impecunious clowns, such as myself. And each season he bailed a few of the more roistering jesters out of jail, at his own expense.

He was a good egg.

Of course he built his clown props out of quality wood and thick metal. His prop blunderbusses, which used only blanks, were made with high grade bronze and lead. His slapsticks, hinged paddles that fired a black powder squib when making contact with clown derrieres, were constructed of scrap mahogany. They all weighed a ton and if one fell on you during a clown gag a broken leg was the least of your worries. Lugging them in and out of the prop box insured a hernia. While fulsome in our appreciation to him at the start of each season, we couldn’t wait until his cumbersome props started to fall apart. Then we would shed crocodile tears while shoving them into a corner and go back to the flimsy balsa wood and cardboard props we’d surreptitiously packed alongside George’s behemoth contraptions.

Another of George’s stellar qualities was his love of sharing old movies with the clowns during rehearsals. In the evening he’d set up his projector with a screen in the weedy arena parking lot to give us the hearty slapstick goulash of Mack Sennett’s ‘Tillie’s Punctured Romance’ or the rowdy Marx Brothers in ‘At the Circus’. And he saved the best for last; the night before the show left on tour he would exhibit Cecil B. DeMille’s deathless classic, ‘The Greatest Show on Earth’.

The first time I viewed this epic paean to ‘Big Bertha’ (as Ringling was affectionately called by veteran performers) way back in 1971 I choked up several times as the valiant circus crew battled blow downs and train wrecks and cornball acting to keep the show on the road. This was my life now, I thought to myself -- all the stoic heroism of Charlton Heston; the wide-eyed bravura of Betty Hutton; and the surong sexuality of Dorothy Lamour. I would become part of the myth, part of the very fabric of American life. To a green kid, who’d never been farther from home than Duluth before, this epiphany reduced me to a gurgling emotional pulp there amidst the creeping Charlie and beggarweed of the parking lot. But I was not alone; I noticed several of the other First of Mays also grizzling silently as well.  

The next day the train pulled out for our first stop in Tampa; while I was using the bathroom at the end of the car someone broke into my roomette and stole my cassette player and the Timex self-winding watch my parents had given me. And so my first season under the Big Top began . . .

Forty-six years later, retired in Provo Utah to be near most of my kids, I bought ‘The Greatest Show on Earth’ DVD on Amazon to show to my grandkids on a sleety winter’s evening. To set the proper mood I purchased a big bag of orange colored banana flavored marshmallow circus peanuts and individual boxes of Barnum’s Animals for each of the little ones. Pink lemonade was on tap, along with all the microwave popcorn they could handle (which turned out to be just over a short ton).

I had filled their affectionate and porous heads with a wealth of detail and jargon about my tanbark adventures in the past; now I wanted to show them the real deal -- the real Ringling Brothers, not the campy Broadway fluff the show had degenerated into when it played the Salt Palace in recent years.

Sadly, my build up of the movie could not be sustained in their young and insubstantial minds. Ten minutes into the film, just about the time Charlton Heston is telling the circus management that the show will play every city, large and small, for a full season, instead of the half season suggested by those mealy-mouthed pen pushers, the grand kids’ attention began to waver until  they soon drifted away. They would come back briefly whenever I screamed “Hey, I worked with that guy!”, and they indulgently watched the famous circus train wreck that was the highlight of the film -- saying afterwards it was okay, but kinda phony-looking (it was all done with miniatures; there was no such thing as computer imaging and blue screens back in 1952).


But I’m not sorry I made the attempt. Unless you’re the Apostle Paul it’s hard to share an epiphany with others; all you can really say is “This means a great deal to me”, and leave it at that.

Cecil B. DeMille’s movie is something everyone should watch at least once, fortified with lots of popcorn and pink lemonade. Because it shows not what the circus used to really be like, but because it shows what people used to think the circus was really like -- a bombastic amalgamation of glamor and grit that brought out the sugar-crazed child in everyone. No one, except DeMille, ever took the circus very seriously; but back in those Kodachrome days it was considered part of the American landscape like the Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore. Not to see it, or smell it, or taste the cotton candy, was to miss out on a basic, if slightly trivial, right inherent to every citizen in their pursuit of happiness.

And life becomes a little more second-class when we decide to stop believing in that particular kind of hoopla today.  


Jacquelyn Cobbledick

From Tucson.com:  Jacquelyn Cobbledick, a former Arizona Daily Star assistant city editor and University of Arizona assistant journalism professor, died of natural causes Dec. 20. She was 91.

A journo who wrote well and quick
Was bylined as Ms. Cobbledick.
She’s now passed away
So Trump cannot say
Anything unpolitic.



Monday, January 9, 2017

The bank that Jack built

This is the bank that Jack built.
“This is the loan that went in the tank
“That lay in the bank that Jack built.
“This is the lie that made the loan tank
“That lay in the bank that Jack built.
“This is the guy who didn’t catch the lie
“That made the loan tank
“That lay in the bank that Jack built.
“This is his boss who never got cross
“At the dumb guy who didn’t catch the lie
“That made the loan tank
“That lay in the bank that Jack built.
“This is the Fed who gives out the bread
“To some greedy boss who never got cross
“At the dumb guy who didn’t catch the lie
“That made the loan tank
“That lay in the bank that Jack built.
“This is the tax we pay to the max
“To our dear Fed who gives out the bread
“To some greedy boss who never got cross
“At some dumb guy who never caught the lie
“That made the loan tank
“That lay in the bank that Jack built.”


In Sweden, Happiness in a Shorter Workday Can’t Overcome the Cost

From the New York Times:  controversial experiment with a six-hour workday in one of Sweden’s largest cities wrapped up this week with a cheerful conclusion: Shorter working hours make for happier, healthier and more productive employees.

A six hour day would destroy
the laboring man's pride and joy.
It's sweat of the brow
that counts, anyhow;
repose is a Socialist ploy! 


a merriment in living

In all of living have much of fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.  Gordon B. Hinckley


There comes to me unbidden, at times so very strong,
a merriment in living that lasts the whole day long.
Ignoring all my troubles, I give the world a grin,
and tell my friends and fam'ly that worry is a sin.
Leave sorrow in its puddle to bathe and sip the muck;
I'll praise almighty heaven for sunlight and for luck.
For how can I not chuckle when Deity displays
a rollicking panorama of man's fantastic ways?
The finest wines and liquors, distilled with expert cunning,
intoxicate me not at all compared to godly funning!   





Sunday, January 8, 2017

Programmatic Ads

Your ad on the internet, dude,
is placed next to something quite rude.
If you want rednecks
to check out your specs
let formulas keep your ads skewed.