The Wonders of Tea Tree Oil

Essential oils are used in nearly all cultures and societies. Sometimes, you might have heard some of the oddest uses of such oils. They can be used in different ways ranging from beauty purposes to treatment of a number of health conditions.

Tea tree oil is one of such oils. Also known as melaleuca, this oil is well-known for its ability to heal wounds and keep them away from bacterial or fungal infections due to its various antiseptic properties.

Tea tree oil was mainly used in Australia in the previous centuries because of limited trade routes. Secondly, this oil is mainly derived from the plant Melaleuca alternifolia which is a native plant of Australia and was only grown there in those times.

Nowadays, you can see the different uses of tea tree oil around the world. It might even be in some of your cleaning, skin care, and cosmetics. Tea tree oil gained popularity after seven decades of continuous research which highlighted its antibacterial, antifungal as well as antiviral properties.

In addition, bottled tea tree oil can be seen in a majority of the homes in the United States. According to a study carried out in 2011, one of the five most used oils in the United States was tea tree oil.

The study also reported that it was used in many different ways in each of the houses having it including beauty purposes and medicinal purposes.

How can tea tree oil benefit you?

According to researchers, tea tree oil has been used longer than you think by Indigenous tribes in some parts of the world. Today, there are science backed advantages of this essential oil. There are approximately 327 scientific studies on the antiseptic properties of tea tree oil alone.

Tea tree oil can benefit everyone in everyday life in a couple of ways. Some of the conventional healing ways of using tea tree oil are:

• Chicken Pox
• Bacterial Infection
• Staph Infections (boils)
• Lice in Hair
• Bacterial Infections
• Fungus infections (all common types including toenail fungus, Candida, Athlete’s foot and Jock itch)
• MRSA
• Cold Sores
• Dry Cuticles
• Respiratory Tract Infections
• Congestion
• Insect Bites and Sores
• Sunburn
• Earaches
• Psoriasis
• Halitosis (another name for bad breath)
• Acne

This list only comprises of the healing properties of tea tree oil. So, in case you see there is an advantage such as using tea tree oil for removing make and other beautification purposes, it is probably because most of the people already know that.

In addition, you might not even know that tea tree oil alone and in combination with other essential oils can replace many of the pricey household items.

Using tea tree oils as a substitute for such common products can help create a cleaner environment in your house due to reduced usage of chemicals.

Following are the products that tea tree oil can replace:

• Household Cleaner
• Chemical-free Deodorant
• Anti-microbial Laundry Cleaner
• Anti-microbial Dish Cleaner
• Mould Remover
• Chemical-free Acne Face Wash
• Insect Repellent
• Foot Order Remover
• Beauty Products (Makeup Remover, Moisturizer, Hair replenisher)

A study published in Journal of Phytomedicine showed that none of the essential oils including tea tree oil cause any sort of adverse effects. This is the reason why many doctors prescribe tea tree oil in place of traditional medication and options in a number of health conditions.

In addition, the study also highlighted the synergetic effect of taking essential oils. This means taking essential oils along with medicines brings no side effects as well as does not react with them and instead decrease chances of development of antibiotic resistance.

How can you use tea tree oil?

Tea tree oil can be used in various ways to treat the conditions or replacement for common household products as mentioned before. Following are the ways you can use tea tree oil:

Aromatic use of tea tree oil

Aromatherapy is a widely used and well-known technique known for helping in relieving many health conditions especially mental health problems such as depression, ADHD or anxiety. Tea tree oil is one of the oils that can be used for aromatherapy.

You can do this at home in two ways. The first one is diffusing the oil by using an oil diffuser in all rooms of your home. The second one is to directly inhale the scent from the tea tree oil bottle or to sprinkle some directly on skin, clothes, and way as a perfume.

Topical use of tea tree oil

Tea tree oil is applied to hair or skin due to its beautifying effect. But before doing so, it is important to know that tea tree oil should only be used topically in mixture with another carrier oil of your choice in a 1-1 ratio. Two of most suggested options are Olive oil Coconut oil.

Both of these oils have their own advantages for the skin and hair. A mixture of these with tea tree oil can bring even better effects.

Avoiding internal use

Tea tree oil is used as a remedy for dental problems, to get rid of bad breath and for whitening of teeth but that does not mean swallowing the oil does not cause any harm. Always remember there is no remedy that includes internal usage of tea tree oil.

According to the National Poison Centre, this is because swallowing tea tree oil is not beneficial and can instead be poisonous. It can cause hives, allergies and digestive issues if used internally, therefore, it should be avoided at all costs.

When using tea tree oil as a mouth wash or for mouth ulcer, you should always spit it out later and not swallow it to prevent any potential dangers.

Tea tree oil household cleaner

You might have noticed some of your friends or relatives are advised to keep away from conventional household cleaners and deodorants. Most of these people will also be suffering from some kind of seasonal, food, environmental allergy or may be having some lungs related issue. Why is this so?

Asthma patients are clearly told to avoid products containing chemicals to avoid future asthma attacks and to reduce their intensity. According to a study, indoor environments of some homes can be more toxic than outdoors due to the use of chemical-laden products.

Most of the household cleaners have chemicals and synthetic scents as well and it is also a fundamental item for most of the people. You can replace that commercially hold cleaners with homemade tea tree oil cleaner that will bring no side effects.

This natural cleaner is not only easy to make and requires only four ingredients but also leaves behind a fresh scent in the house when used.

You will need the following items for creating a homemade tea tree oil household cleaner:

• 15 Drops of Lemon
• 80oz Water
• 15 Drops of Tea Tree Oil
• 4oz White Vinegar (distilled)
• Spray Bottle (for easy use)

All you need to do is combine all the mentioned ingredients and shake the bottle once. You can start using after letting it sit for 15-20 minutes. This amount of tea tree oil cleaner will last around 30-40 days. Make sure to shake before using every time.

In addition, glass spray bottles are recommended to store the homemade cleaner over plastic bottles since citrus essential oils have an acidic nature that can be good for you but not for plastic because it will eat away the plastic over time.

Learn more about the benefits of essential oils from doTERRA Health Advocate Amy Snyder at http://my.doterra.com/amysnyder 

A New Political Action Group: Mormon Women for Ethical Government

In Lysistrata women made their menfolk disengage

From wars and havoc by their use of sensual Ice Age.

From ancient Greece to modern times the women want a say

In how regimes are running things -- like in the USA.

They seem to find our current Chief of State such a buffoon

That they are forming coteries that spread like a typhoon.

In Utah and the Mountain West the Mormon distaff side

Have formed a union that they hope puts Trump on his backside.

They ain’t the Kathy Griffin kind who use a severed head;

They say please and thank you to their enemies instead.

A candlelight procession is their stock-in-trade, you see;

They never twist an arm or go for demagoguery.

Can they succeed where others failed, by using so much charm?

Well, at the very least they cannot do us any harm.

But if they conquer Trump by using such a sweet format,

I and ev’ry cynic man will have to eat our hat!

(Inspired by a story by Courtney Tanner)   

Essential Oils have Proven Healing Powers

If you suffer from anxiety or depression, feel fatigued, or often experience aches and pains, adding essential oils can complement your wellness regimen to improve your symptoms. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, "the therapeutic use of essential oils (also known as volatile oils) from plants (flowers, herbs, or trees)" can be used "for the improvement of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being."

The center also noted that essential oils and aromatherapy are used for cancer treatment, "primarily as supportive care for general well-being," and can be used as a complement to wellness treatments like massage and acupuncture, "as well as with standard treatments for symptom management."

In studies conducted with cancer patients, different oils were used (in conjunction with treatments like massage) to see what outcomes different oils could have on health and wellness. Here are some of their findings:

• Lavender: improved sleep, reduced depression, and reduced blood pressure
• Chamomile: reduced anxiety (physical and psychological symptoms) and improved quality of life
• Sweet Orange: reduced nausea

• Peppermint: this oil has "anti-inflammatory, analgesic, anti-infectious, antimicrobial, antiseptic, and antispasmodic, astringent properties," has been shown to improve exercise performance, and can aid digestion and alleviate IBS
• Lemon and Citrus: reduce morning sickness and reduce anxiety during labor
• Bergamot: improves mood
• Rosemary: can treat dementia and Alzheimer's, improves cognitive function, and can manage pain
• Geranium: reduces fatigue, anxiety, and stress
• Eucalyptus: can reduce aches and pains, and has anti-inflamatory, antibacterial properties
• Neroli oil: reduces blood pressure and anxiety

Learn more about the benefits of essential oils from doTERRA Health Advocate Amy Snyder at http://my.doterra.com/amysnyder 

The Clown and the Showgirls

Now that I’m drawing early Social Security I can look back on my spotty employment record with tolerant bemusement. Losing your job in the prime of life, which I did more than once, seems like a crushing catastrophe at the time. But time has a way of softening the tension and stress, and, eventually, the resentment.

Take, for instance, the last job I had before cashing in my meager chips with Uncle Sam. I had applied for a job as an English teacher at Nomen Global Language School here in Provo. The owner, one Clarke Woodger, decided instead to hire me as his first ever Social Media Manager. Very well, I figured I could do that job -- since I had been the Publicity Director for Culpepper & Merriweather Circus for two years. Same idea, just new media.

One of my first brainstorms was to photograph a few of the more toothsome female students, casually posed in the student lounge over their textbooks. We used to call this ‘cheesecake’ in the Bad Old Days. Once I started posting these photographs on the school’s Facebook page our clicks took a noticeable jump. I used captions such as “This Brazilian bombshell is trying to figure out the difference between feint and faint.”

Unfortunately, Clarke Woodger had kittens when he read that caption, and furiously demanded I remove it at once. I did -- but that didn’t stop me from posting other lovely students in carefully posed reclining positions, ostensibly studying, on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Which eventually led to me being canned from my job, although the official reason was that the school was ‘retrenching.’

This is a roundabout way of saying that I’ve always appreciated the publicity value of the female form -- even back in the sanctified days when I was a young LDS missionary in Thailand. That philosophy got me into hot water back then, as well. Here’s what happened:

As I have written previously, I spent a large part of my mission performing as a clown doing benefit shows for the Thai Red Cross. My mission president, Paul Morris, thought this would help boost the name recognition of the Church in Thailand, and help dispel rumors that we were CIA operatives (this was at the height of the Vietnam War.)

So I scheduled myself into schools, hospitals, libraries, even prisons, under the auspices of the Thai Red Cross. Soon I was in demand for all sorts of charity shindigs and I didn’t have to go looking for performing gigs -- people came to me to ask for a show. It was a good feeling -- actually, a head trip for me. But my comeuppance was soon at hand.

One steamy day, after the monsoon rains had once again turned the streets of Bangkok into open sewage lines for the afternoon, I was sitting by the phone, hoping for a call to do a show so I wouldn’t have to go out tracting in that smelly muck but could take a taxi to some nice auditorium instead. The phone did ring -- and I was asked to appear at a Thai Red Cross benefit that night. Hallelujah! I wrote down the address and began packing my clown props.

When I told the taxi cab driver where to take me -- a nightclub on Soi Cowboy -- he gave me a second glance.

“You’re a teacher of religion, aren’t you?” he asked me point blank.

“Yes, of course” I replied as I slid into the back seat.

“And you want me to take you to Soi Cowboy?”

“Yes. And please hurry; I have an important appointment there!”

He shook his head in silent disgust and put his buggy in gear, merging with the sluggish stream of traffic.

What he knew back then, and I didn’t, was that Soi Cowboy was, and still is, the biggest red light district in Bangkok. He let me out in front of the nightclub before the evening shadows began to fall -- that is to say, before the shady ladies were out in force; so I still had no idea what I was getting into.

Once inside the club I put on my makeup and costume and waited in the wings for my cue. I should mention that when I perform I never wear my glasses -- so the world is just one big happy blur to me.

After my spot on the program, which featured a string of throbbing romantic singers and some go-go girl routines, I came offstage to the flash of cameras as the Bangkok newspapers got my whiteface profile for the morning papers. I was asked to pose with two showgirls -- I couldn’t see them very well in the dimness of backstage and without my glasses. But I figured this would make a nice photo to promote the Church. I made sure the photographer knew that I was a missionary for the LDS Church.

Early the next morning the phone rang. It was President Morris. He wanted to see me down at the mission office. NOW.

My companion and I got down there, filled with curiosity about this urgent summons. Was I being awarded a medal, perhaps? Or to be made Assistant to the President (a very coveted position among LDS missionaries.)

Instead, I was closeted with President Morris for twenty-five of the most uncomfortable minutes of my young and innocent life, while he raked me over the coals for allowing myself to be photographed with two barely-clad and leering harlots -- which photograph had made the front pages of Thai Rat News, with a caption that read: “Mormon missionary cavorts with sexy night life girls.”

I was summarily ordered to pack my clown things away and go back to my duties as a plain, ordinary proselyting missionary. No more funny business, Elder Torkildson! I would be transferred up to Khon Kaen in Northeast Thailand (tantamount to Siberia) for the duration of my mission.

I slunk out of his office, feeling no resentment but only a huge regret that I had brought such infamy upon my church. A few days later I took the bus up to Khon Kaen, where we had all of 3 active church members, and resumed my duties as a humble missionary with my companion.

Happily, when a new mission president took over a few months later I was pardoned and brought back to Bangkok, where I finished my mission back in harness as a buffoon for the Thai public.

I doubt anyone still remembers that photograph -- it never had the repercussions it might have had. And today, 42 years later, my only regret is that I never saved a copy of it. I’d give just about anything to have one to put up in my living room next to my photo of the Salt Lake Temple.

The Adventures of Tim Laughingstock. Episode 16. The Mad Authors

(Continued from Episode 15, In the Dandruff Mine.)

Meanwhile, back at the ‘Pebble & Peahen,”, Sir Cornelius and Gullet the Ghoul were engrossed in their respective narratives. As the sun waned and the moon began to gloom, the two mad authors simply lit some candles and continued on with their writing. Sir Cornelius Cornwit Gnawson began his new epic, “The Eerily Silent Village,” this way:

The village was quiet -- too quiet! Balderdash the Brave moved like a cat through the village lanes and cobbled streets, looking for a sign of life. There was none!

“Methinks some witchcraft has befallen this abode of no people” he observed to no one but his own shadow. “I shall find out the cause of this mischief and restore the residents to their rightful lodgings -- or my name isn’t Balderdash the Bold, son of Peter the Prosaic!”

So saying, Balderdash took out his magic pendant, which revealed the presence of magic, and spun it around like a top on the ground. It hummed and then a beam of light shot out of it towards the apothecary’s shop. Striding inside, Balderdash found a hastily scribbled note on the counter that read: “Help! A band of trolls is taking the whole village hostage because we wouldn’t give them enough weasel juice to drink! They are rounding us up even now to take us to the Horrible Hills. Please, if you read this, and you are a wandering hero bent on fame and fortune, come rescue us! We have much gold and many beautiful daughters -- and you can have as much of both as you want! Sincerely yours, Axel Floom, Apothecary B.B.S.”

“Ha!” cried Balderdash the Brave, and then he cried “Ha!” again, so that the walls of the little shop shuddered and the stucco began to flake off. “I shall journey to the Horrible Hills to rescue these fine folk -- and then collect their gold and maybe a few maidens for a dalliance. Twould be rude to ignore this invitation to adventure!”

Balderdash mounted his fiery steed, Gallstone, and was off in a flash to the Horrible Hills. He rode like the wind, ignoring the weirdly shaped boulders along the way, and the doleful cry of the turnip spitters that eyed him maliciously from their fleabitten grottoes. He stopped only once, to fight a ferocious gunkle that blocked the road. Whoosh-whish went his sword, and the head of the lifeless gunkle rolled into the ditch like a round loaf of oat bread.

The Horrible Hills loomed up before him, horrible and intimidating. A sinister mist clung to the ground as a shrill wind soughed through the dead tree branches above his head. Caring not a fig for any such gloomy nonsense, Balderdash spurred Gallstone onwards and upwards, and soon they had reached the camp of the trolls -- where a huge bonfire was blazing. The trolls were getting ready to eat every last villager!

Stealthily did Balderdash creep up upon the unsuspecting trolls -- and then, whish-whoosh, their heads were tumbling about like a game of marbles! When the last troll had fallen, Balderdash the Brave untied the villagers and bade them return to their homes, safe and sound.

“Oh, brave and noble hero!” cried Axel Floom, the apothecary, “what can we possibly do to repay you for rescuing us? Would you like our gold and some of our fairest daughters?”

“That I would” replied Balderdash, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

“Well” snarled Floom suddenly, “you won’t get either from us, you ugly baboon! This was just a trap set by our master, the wizard Slooterpants, to lure you to your doom! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

And before Balderdash could move a muscle, the nefarious apothecary threw slug dust all over him -- and Balderdash collapsed into a shapeless heroic mass on the ground.

Gnawson paused here, nibbling on the tip of his quill, feeling quite satisfied with his story so far, but beginning to wonder if he had been a bit too premature in introducing the dark wizard Slooterpants so early in the story. Such powerful villains needed a better build up if they were to be really scary and effective. Perhaps he should put in some more stuff about dalliance before giving Floom his first line? Slightly perplexed, Gnawson looked over at Gullet the Ghoul, who was still scribbling furiously away. Gnawson sighed; novice writers always began like this, in a haze of enthusiasm -- but wait, just wait, my friend, until some grammatical or syntax problem pops up to slow you down. Then you’ll realize how brain-deadly writing can be!  Sir Cornelius gave a deep cough, intending to distract Gullet the Ghoul long enough to impart some of this writerly wisdom to him -- but Gullet didn’t even hear him, so wrought up in his own story was he! And this is what he was writing:

I was born on a log in the middle of a bog near the nest of frog who was eaten by a dog. And things have not improved very much for me since then! My parents were humble ghouls who could barely provide dead meat for me and my seventeen sisters. At the tender age of one-hundred-six I was forced to leave home to fend for myself. And it wasn’t easy, let me tell you! Many nights I had to shelter inside a ring of cattails while the charlie chewups relentlessly prowled about, searching for me or any other innocent young flesh to gobble up. And then there were the fusspots and the floozy-flops that preyed on the unwary swamp child, battening on them and draining them of bile and mucous before you could say “junk bonds.”

Yes, it was a hard life, and I toughened up fast. Soon I could look any bumptious creature right in the eye and tell them to buzz off -- and they would!

But it never occurred to me that my life might be unfulfilled -- until I met Tildy. She was everything I was not. Where I was hard, she was soft; where I was tall, she was short; where I was black, she was white; and where I right, she was wrong! We planned on marrying in the fall of the year, right after the woolgathering. But, alas, on the day of our wedding she accidentally stepped on a miniature land kraken, which stung her so viciously that she immediately swooned and lost all her hair and teeth. When the doctors were able to bring her around, her brain salts had been depleted to the extent that she no longer remembered me. With a heavy heart, I walked out of her life, vowing to never fall in love again and instead devote myself to learning how to ripen a corpse in less than 24 hours -- the Holy Snail of ghouls the world over.

At last Gullet the Ghoul looked up, and saw Sir Gnawson staring at him.

“What’s wrong, colleague? Have you run out of plot twists and turns so early?”

“Nay, my ghoulish companion. I was just thinking we have probably got enough good material to go see my publisher this instant, demand a tremendous cash advance, and then spend the winter in Loma Limeade on the beach, finishing our respective masterpieces!”

“An excellent idea!” enthused Gullet the Ghoul. “Let’s go find Tim and tell him the good news!”

The two mad authors tucked their linen scraps, on which was written their marvelous tales, into their tunics, and headed towards the dandruff mine in search of Tim Laughingstock.

Trump Praises Nascar Fans and Again Rails Against N.F.L. Protests (headline in the NYTimes)

Those traitors at the NFL will never be on par

With the heroes racing for the glorious NASCAR!

While football players soiled the ground with their putrid knees,

Busch, and others like him, stood as stiff as walnut trees.

NASCAR owners in a fit of righteous indignation

Have told their drivers if they kneel they’re going on vacation

And not the kind that puts a tan upon a driver’s brow;

More likely in a breadline cuz their job has gone ka-pow!

Before the start of work in ev’ry class and factory,

We’d better have our Anthem sung to check the loyalty

Of students and of workers, and of pinko teachers too --

Anyone who kneels can be deported to Kabul!

Essential Oils for Better Skin Care

Natural skin care is more popular than ever now that people are cutting back on chemicals in all aspects of their lives. Sound like you? Consider adding oils to your regimen. "Skin oils have hydrating, anti-inflammatory, anti-aging, and antimicrobial properties," explains dermatologist Jennifer Chwalek, M.D., of Union Square Laser Dermatology. "Despite the fact that some essential oils have been around for hundreds of thousands of years, we're just scraping the surfaces of all their uses."

Not to mention, even if you're not actually applying them to your skin, the aromatherapy benefits of certain essential oils can decrease stress levels, which can help with stress-triggered skin conditions like psoriasis, acne, and eczema, says dermatologist Mona Gohara, M.D., an associate clinical professor at Yale School of Medicine.

Word to the wise: While essential oils can sometimes be used without dilution for an acute, short-term skin issue (like a bug bite or a burn), derms almost always recommend diluting essential oils for everyday skin care to protect against irritation and sensitivity. (It will also allow the essential oil to absorb over a larger surface of your skin!)

Known for its antibacterial and antimicrobial effects, tea tree oil has been studied for its ability to treat bacterial and fungal infections. Paired with its anti-inflammatory properties, it can also help with conditions like acne and rosacea, says Dr. Chwalek.  Tea tree oil has wound-healing properties, too, making it helpful for cuts and burns.

Want hydration? Rose essential oil should be your go-to—it helps your skin to retain water, Dr. Chwalek says. This makes it a great essential oil to add to any DIY lotions, especially if you're dealing with dry or chapped skin. Even better: When applied to the face, rose oil can improve skin texture and fine lines and wrinkles, she says. It's one of the best oils for youthful skin.

While not all oils are necessarily hydrating, coconut oil is known to be the best hydrator and skin softener of the group, Dr. Gohara says. It actually helps improve skin water loss, which means it's a great solution for those dealing with dry skin, or even eczema and psoriasis, Dr. Chwalek says. (Coconut oil can also repair brittle nails; try this DIY.) And, thanks to a fatty acid called lauric acid, it also has an antimicrobial effect, helping reduce the risk of any skin infection or irritation, she says. (Bonus: Unlike the essential oils, coconut oil can be applied to your skin directly without needing to be mixed with another oil first.)

On top of the stress-relieving benefits that come from taking a whiff of this essential oil, lavender can also do wonders for your skin. It's widely known for its antimicrobial properties and for helping speed the healing of burns, cuts, scrapes, and wounds, Dr. Chwalek explains. This oil also increases collagen production, making it a great anti-aging regimen for wrinkles, she says.

Learn more about the benefits of essential oils from doTERRA Health Advocate Amy Snyder at http://my.doterra.com/amysnyder 

How Far Will the NFL Go? And How Far Will We Follow?

As football players started kneeling when our Anthem rung

They started a new tradition that affects both old and young.

On high school fields across the land, our youth on bended knee

On Friday nights defied their coach and many faculty.

It spread to the lacrosse fields and the baseball diamond too.

And soccer players sneered at our dear red and white and blue!

Soon no one was standing when our Anthem filled the air.

Some were really protesting (and some just didn’t care.)

And then no one was standing for the POTUS -- goodness sake!

His tweets at last exposed him as a lightweight and a fake.

And then the Pope and Putin got the treatment, just the same.

It seemed that ev’rybody had to play the sit down game.

No flag or creed or anthem was thus spared this awful curse.

The people did not rise up -- what they did was far far worse.

For at the Second Coming when the angels blew their trumps,

The world would not get up at all but stayed upon their rumps!  

A Clown on Capitol Hill

I can do no better than to quote the first few paragraphs verbatim from the September 18th edition of The Washington Post:

An Ohio man who tried to discipline his 6-year-old daughter by chasing her around in a clown mask has been charged after she ran screaming to a stranger’s apartment — prompting that neighbor to fire a gunshot into the air, police say.

The incident occurred just before 10 p.m. Saturday, when 25-year-old Vernon Barrett Jr. donned a clown mask and began chasing his young daughter outside their apartment in Boardman Township, a suburb of Youngstown, Ohio.

It was supposed to be a prank, Barrett later told police, a way to get the child to behave without resorting to spanking. A police report did not specify why he was trying to discipline his daughter that day.

Instead, the frightened child ran to a female stranger’s car nearby, jumped inside and said she was being chased by a clown, police said. That woman later told police that the man wearing the clown mask pulled the child out of her car. Unsure of what was happening, the woman called 911. (“I don’t want to be named,” the witness told The Washington Post on Monday when reached by phone, “but I can tell you it scared the bejeezus out of me.”)

It’s idiots like Barrett Junior who give clowns a bad name (to say nothing of those in Congress).

It’s just not safe to show up anywhere unannounced as a clown. In the good old days you could don the motley and stroll about spreading cheer without much fear of being tossed in the hoosegow.

I did my last professional clown gig back in 2013, and it nearly resulted in a trip to Devil’s Island thanks to Homeland Security. Here’s how it went down:

The year 2013 started out on a sour note when I had to leave Thailand suddenly, due to a visa snafu. I made arrangements to rent a room from my daughter just outside of Washington D.C., and settled down to teaching English online through my former employer back in Thailand. But that job went kerflooey after a few months and I had to find another gig, pronto.

It came to me that I might as well put on the old clown costume and do some street performing, as I had done a few years earlier back in Minneapolis. That had garnered me the grubstake that took me to Thailand in the first place.

And what better place for a little street theater than Capitol Hill? So one bright spring morning I took the VRE into Grand Central Train Station in downtown Washington, used the Men’s Room to put on my makeup and costume, and marched over to the Senate Rotunda bearing a placard that read: ‘UNEMPLOYED CIRCUS CLOWN. PLEASE PUT ME IN CONGRESS WHERE I BELONG!’  

I planted myself under one of the expansive plane trees on the promenade and began a little pantomime show with juggling and my musical saw. All went well for about an hour, with little knots of tourists stopping to take a photo with me and my sign and then dropping a few bucks into my hat.

Then all hell broke loose when a detail of Homeland Security guards, guns drawn, surrounded me. Their leader, a tall, slim blonde in a dull black uniform, sporting reflective sunglasses, yelled at me through a bullhorn to drop the weapon. What weapon? Oh, she meant my musical saw! I gingerly put it down, and the circle drew in tighter. In the meantime, I had lost my mind with fear, so when Blondie began questioning me about who I was and where I came from I fell back on my old pantomime training, gesturing and mouthing words but unable to actually say anything. I think that may have saved my skin, because Blondie became intrigued with my frantic body language and actually smiled.

“Doesn’t your clown character talk, Bozo?” she finally asked me, after looking through my wallet.

I nodded like a demented bobblehead.

“I guess he’s okay, boys” she said to her coterie of gun-totting minions. “Just don’t ask for money” she said sternly to me. I mimed an eloquent affirmation that I would never do such a heinous thing. The Homeland Security thugs dispersed, and, after using the donniker over at the Botanical Gardens, I resumed my performance -- careful not to overtly ask for any money. But my sign made it clear that I wouldn’t turn down any donations to my campaign fund, so I continued to do okay while keeping to the letter of the law as laid down by Blondie.

I became a fixture there at Capitol Hill that summer. A few Senators and Representatives even stopped by to have their pictures taken with me, and the local cops started addressing me as “Senator Dusty.”

There were other nutjobs who also inhabited Capitol Hill along with me, carrying various signs about their imaginary grievances. One gentleman I remember very well; his sign ran into several hundred words -- the gist of it was that the CIA had stolen his wife, and he wanted her back. Another guy dressed up like Uncle Sam and passed out cheap copies of the Constitution while cheerfully warning everyone that fluoride was a terrorist plot.

I made out pretty well, especially when a group of school kids came by and their teacher stiffly warned them against stopping to read my sign or interact with me. That just spurred them on, and they emptied their pockets for me. The Chinese tourist groups, usually about fifty in a pack, all demanded photographs with me, and then loaded me down with quarters. I never broke my silence, but carried a pad and pen so I could write down whatever I couldn’t convey via pantomime. Most of the questions revolved around if I was a real circus clown, so I always wrote down “Ringling Brothers, starting in 1971!”

It was a sad day in my professional life as a clown when Blondie showed up again that fall to tell me: “Sorry, Bozo, but the rules have been tightened. You can’t loiter around here anymore unless you can prove you’re on official business. I’ve gotta ask you to leave.” So much for free speech in America.

But she did give me a five dollar bill prior to sending me away. Some of those people are all right.