Welcome to the Hotel Avaricious

The push by hotels to swamp travelers with fees is expanding: The fees you used to only find at resorts are moving downtown.

Many big-city hotels are adding mandatory facility fees or urban-destination fees to hotel bills, hiding the add-ons, which sometimes reach $50 a night, from advertised room rates. The Boston Park Plaza adds a required $22 fee per room per night. The St. Regis in New York, often more than $800 a night, now adds a $50 mandatory destination fee.

There’s a $25 a night resort fee at the Radisson Blu Aqua in downtown Chicago. Same at the Hilton Anatole in Dallas. Neither are what most travelers would consider a resort.

WSJ

Make your time away from home relaxing and auspicious;

come stay in a luxurious suite at Hotel Avaricious.

Reservations guaranteed, as long as you book early.

(So many people have 'em now, twould make your bald head curly!)

Accommodations are deluxe; we never let you down.

Our lobby's so decorous it could pass for a ghost town.

 Conveniently located, next to stockyards and a mill

that quaintly grinds fish bladders into such a healthy pill.

We're happy to take credit cards, or debit -- even cash.

We don't ask many questions (like "How did you get that gash?")

Our gift shop is amazing, full of overrated rubble.

And if you show them your room key, all prices they will double.

Our staff is very helpful and have trained to serve you well;

 if you neglect to tip them large they'll give you bloody hell.

The desk clerk's ever ready to provide you with a smile.

The maids will sweep the bedbugs up with hardly any guile.

We have a troupe of bellboys that know how to get things done;

when they see Immigration you will see how fast they run.

We've tour guides by the dozens, who will lead you far away

to caves that are storm sewers when we have a rainy day.

Our coffee shop is splendid, and our grill is never closed.

We serve organic burgers (if the meat ain't decomposed.)

The cocktail lounge invites you to sophisticated gab;

their bar brawls are quite mannerly -- no shooting, just a stab.

Come swim in our Olympic pool, or sunbathe if you like;

you can fish for dinner, cuz we stock the pool with pike.

The tennis court is lively, since it is a parking lot.

(Avoid the deck chairs, buddy; they are more or less dry rot.)

And when you come to pay your bill we think you'll be surprised

how every stinking item has become so fertilized.

We gonna gouge you, sweetheart, and there's nothin' you can do;

it goes on your expense account, so watsa matta you?

If you have trouble paying we will be most understanding.

Guido will arrange for you to have a neat crash landing.

Be sure to tell your friends about the Hotel Avaricious.

Cuz if you don't we've video that makes you look suspicious.

Postcards to President Trump

The New Rumplestiltskin

DUBAI -- There are gold-flaked pizzas and gold-injected soups, gold-dusted french fries and gold-infused Bloody Marys, cakes and pies topped with gold frosting. An Italian restaurant offers gold flakes in lieu of Parmesan cheese. In the past year, several major hotels have begun offering cappuccinos infused with gold.
WSJ

Inside the hotel dining room

loud voices could be heard to boom;

rude tourists with their manners bold

demanded biscuits dipped in gold.

The chef did not know what to do.

He turned to his loyal kitchen crew

and said he had no gold to spare,

and then began to pull his hair.

"Oh woe is me!" said he in grief.

"What shall I do to find relief?"

"My customers will surely leave

if something rich I can't conceive."

Just then, through noisome kitchen drain

a little man popped up quite plain.

His nose curved down to meet his chin;

he had a leering wicked grin.

"I'm at your service" he began,

this tiny little homely man.

"I'll spin you gold from yonder heap

of plastic spoons and forks so cheap."

"And you can do this?" asked the cook,

as with great sanguineness he shook.

"If this is true, just name your price --

I'll give you wine or meat or spice!"

The little homunculus bowed

and gave an evil laugh aloud.

"Please keep your foodstuffs, cuisinier;

I only want what's truly fair."

He sidled up to the sous chef

and murmured in a low bass clef:

"I want your mix for vichyssoise

so I can have the world's applause."

"Mon Dieu!" the chef cried mournfully.

"That is my cherished recipe."

"If I should give it up to you

I'd be in such an awful stew!"

The little man, he shrugged a bit

and waited as the sound waves hit

from customers whose chant was brief:

"Now give us strudel with gold leaf!"

The chef, he was a beaten soul.

He threw down his clay batter bowl

and made a bargain with the imp,

although it left him feeling limp.

The little man said "By the way

if you should guess my name today

I'll forfeit that there recipe

and all your gold will be scot-free"

And so that wicked little rogue

put all that plastic through a drogue,

and out came gold dust by the ounce --

enough to make the chef's eyes bounce.

Handed quietly a locket

when the busboy picked his pocket,

the chef now knew the wee man's name,

and made of him a silly game.

"Your name must be Sir Himmelfarht"

did say the chef, "or Miss Descartes?"

"Pooh! Pooh!' the imp replied with pride.

"Your feeble guesses I deride!"

"And now I'm done, as promised I --

the recipe you will supply!"

The chef looked up, the chef looked down;

he mimed a most dolorous frown.

"Oh very well" he sighed at last.

"Dear Rumpelstiltskin, write it fast!"

"Say what!? Have you discovered me?"

shrieked Rumpelstiltskin angrily.

Then Rumpelstiltskin stamped his feet

and turned much redder than a beet.

  He ground his teeth and shook his head

so hard that he fell down, quite dead.

Now hotel patrons dine on quail

wrapped in gold foil as thick as kale.

And for dessert their hot cross buns

with molten gold so gaily runs.

And with the gold dust left behind,

the chef and all his crew have lined

their pockets with a goodly sum --

Thanks, Rumpelstiltskin . . . you old bum! 

Postcards to President Trump

Men Without Coats (or Brains) -- The World Institute of Slowness -- The Last Straw in San Dieg

EVERY WINTER, the season’s most confounding species emerges: the Male Nojacketus. On that first freezing day, you can spot him standing on the subway platform or hoofing it toStarbucks, nonchalant in his meager button-up shirt. Even when this foolhardy creature can see his own breath, he may not don a coat, or even a pair of pants (Male Nojacketae adore shorts, especially of the cargo variety). Scarfs or hats? He would never stoop to such compromising accessories. The most extreme members of the species will bare his toes in flip-flops on days that could easily end in snow.

WSJ

The reason that men don't wear coats

when winter is sowing wild oats

is that they are clear

on not showing fear;

they won't even cover their throats.

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Geir Berthelsen, founder of the World Institute of Slowness, a think tank in Norway, says starting the day with intentional slowness helps spark creative thinking. “Business leaders need to take time to forget about time, and that helps them be creative when they arrive at work,” he says. “That’s the goal of doing this before going into the workplace.”   WSJ

Norwegians who savor the slow

start mornings like syrup in snow.

They dawdle and sit

to daydream a bit;

velocity makes them cry "Whoa!"

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San Diego joined 119 other California cities on Tuesday by banning polystyrene food and beverage containers, which have been blamed for poisoning fish and other marine life and damaging the health of people who eat seafood.

The City Council approved the ban by a 6-3 vote along party lines, with all Democrats in favor and all Republicans opposed.

LATimes

The city council took a whack

at the polystyrene claque.

When the Democrats had won,

take out food was all undone.

 Now let's blame the GOP

for some new conspiracy.

Europe Says "Bang Bang!" -- Trump Continues to Rearrange Deck Chairs on the Titanic -- The Poor are Smoking More--

Gun ownership is rising across Europe, a continent that until recently faced far less gun crime and violence than much of the globe. Not long ago it was rare to see armed British police.

WSJ

There was a young person in Spain

who wanted a gun to obtain.

Said she: Caballeros 

will scatter like sparrows

when my weapon starts to explain.

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President Trump will address the nation on Tuesday night and travel on Thursday to the U.S.-Mexico border to press his case for a wall there, amid a partisan funding impasse over the issue that has kept the government partially shut down into a third week.

LATimes

If I were in Trump's shoes today

I think that I'd like just to say:

Instead of dividers

let's welcome outsiders

to make our economy pay.

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For starters, the people living in neighborhoods with higher smoking rates tended to make less money than people in neighborhoods with lower smoking rates. The researchers calculated that a $10,000 increase in a census tract’s median household income corresponded with a 0.92 percentage-point decrease in smoking prevalence.

LATimes

Tobacco makes paupers of folk,

the more that they inhale the smoke.

You're much better off

without that old cough,

and finances that aren't a joke.

Postcards to President Trump

PETA Goes After Mary and Her Little Lamb -- The Loner in the White House -- A Small Town Newspaper

To the dismay of wool proponents who tout their eco-friendly credentials, they have landed on the wrong side of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The animal-rights group recently erected billboards in Boston and New York’s Times Square that display a nude picture of actress Alicia Silverstone with the phrase “Leave Wool Behind” across her backside.

WSJ

Bless the naked little lamb

who is taken from its dam,

sheared of comfort, warmth, and peace;

all so we can wear its fleece.

Don't you fret, my lamby dear;

soon no longer will they shear

off your fleecy wool for cloak --

prices charged will leave them broke!

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Put these trend lines together, and you are left with a picture of the U.S. stepping back from the world, while other countries—friend and foe alike—step in to fill the void. Much of this picture is the result of President Trump’s America-first impulses increasingly coming to the fore . . . 

WSJ

The White House is leaving behind

all of our friends, once aligned

to keeping our back

from sneaky attack -- 

so now our diplomacy's blind.

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“I am exactly like Mark Twain,” Russell said, continuing to type. “Except he was famous, talented and worked hard.”

LATimes

Newspapers are dinosaurs; why won't they go away?

The internet has all the news, and you don't have to pay.

No small town paper editor is gonna make a diff;

and what they print is usually of baseball or who is stiff.

If Mark Twain could see newspapers today, I think he'd cry;

they'd never print his story of Miss Jefferson's glass eye.

The Gig Economy -- Integrity in Journalism -- Who Can Afford Disneyland Anymore?

Earlier this decade, many researchers and journalists fretted that the gig economy was taking over the way people work.
WSJ

Economies that have gone gig

make the experts flip their wig.

But it turns out to be jive;

people love their 9 to 5.

Hustle ain't a trending deal;

most prefer their boss's heal.

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This is especially true in journalism, where integrity-above-reproach is the one characteristic reporters should cherish above all others. Because in the end, it all comes down to the million-dollar question: “How much is my integrity worth?” A million dollars? Fifty dollars? Something in between?

by Mark Saal for the Ogden Standard-Examiner.

A virtuous writer will spurn

hyperbole, though they may churn

facts and opinions

as Fourth Estate minions 

that often gives readers heartburn.

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Only months before the opening of its $1-billion Star Wars expansion, the Disneyland Resort announced price increases of up to 25% for daily tickets, annual passes and parking.

The increases, which took effect Sunday, come less than a year after the resort adopted price hikes of up to 18%. Under the latest increases, the cheapest daily ticket will be more than $100. Daily parking prices are rising to $25 from $20 — a 25% increase.

by Hugo Martin for the LATimes

To get into Disneyland now
will take all your savings, and how!
To guarantee parking
a loan needs earmarking.
For meals try Purina Dog Chow.


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Postcards to President Trump