Monday, April 1, 2019

Chicken in a watermelon is no less real




"Chicken in a watermelon is no less real . . ."
Sam Sifton


in the beginning 
of man's reality
the chicken came
with the watermelon
*
thus creating a
chronic dichotomy
between watermelon
and chicken to this day
*
some would say the chicken
being in the watermelon
is the totality of our reality
and must come first
*
others disagree and claim
the watermelon existed
long before the chicken
could get into it.
*
both sides are wrong
there is no chicken
there is no watermelon
there is only chamoy sauce
*

in other words
stop thinking of chicken in watermelon
think instead 
of ordering takeout
*


how big is a swath?



A federal judge in Alaska has reinstated a ban on oil-and-gas drilling in vast swaths of the Arctic Ocean, potentially undermining a central part of the Trump administration’s effort to expand offshore drilling.
WSJ

how big is a swath?
bigger than a patch?
wider than a spot?
deeper than a politician?
*
how cold is the Arctic Ocean?
colder than a polar bear's nose?
chillier than a raw blizzard?
More frozen than Birdseye?
*
how much should we care?
as much as we can?
just a little to look good?
not even enough to finish this . . . 

(The above riddle is brought to you courtesy of the U.S. Department of the Interior. Replies should be sent to:
c/o David Bernhardt.)




The orchard of delightful whole


And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy . . . 
First Nephi. Chapter Eight. Verse 12.

I would fill my soul with fruit;
the kind that satisfies
all my innocent desire
for truth sans any lies.
*
A soul replete brings joy immense,
stands proof against the foe
who wants to starve us with excess
that brings but sullen woe.
*
O make my soul a joyful soul,
Thou only perfect One --
The orchard of delightful whole
belongs to God's own Son.


Sunday, March 31, 2019

Monday. March 31. 1980.



I dug out one of my old journals from 1979/80 this Sunday afternoon, just to see what I was doing on this date 39 years ago. Here’s my journal entry for Monday, March 31, 1980, word for word (with a few interpolations):

“Wrote a story at work about an Italian immigrant in the Wild West who is made sheriff and defeats all the bad guys by daring them to eat his spicy cooking.”

(I was working at the time at KGCX Radio in Williston, North Dakota -- my first broadcasting job out of Brown Institute of Broadcasting back in Minneapolis. I did the news, walking to the station at 4 in the morning to turn on the transmitter and starting with the pork belly futures promptly at 6 -- the station was called a day-timer; it was only .
on the air from sunrise to sunset. I was always very busy during the mornings, but after the noon newscast I had to stay in the office to take phone calls that might be news tips and there wasn’t much for me to do -- so I did a lot of my own writing -- Bill Anderson, the station manager, and Oscar Halvorson, the station owner, were impressed with my diligence as I sat for hours at the typewriter banging out page after page of stuff on thin and grainy yellow paper. I have no idea whatever happened to this particular story -- doesn’t sound like one of my best, does it?)

“At home I found a package from Holst (Tim Holst, my good old pal from the circus who baptized me and was at that time the assistant performance director at Ringling) containing a pair of baby underwear and a note telling me I’d need them soon enough. (Amy and I became engaged during that winter.) Also received a note from BYU saying I had been accepted for the fall semester. (I had applied for a theater scholarship, and got one for the fall semester only.) And Mom sent me an Easter card. I called Amy and told her about BYU -- she told me her phone bill for this month is $113.00. She asked for $20.00 to help her meet all her bills and I said I’d be glad to help her out.”
(Each morning at the station I called several towns around Williams County to get the temp and local weather conditions -- and I wangled it so I called Amy every morning up in Tioga, where she was living with her parents while she taught school. We spent fifteen minutes talking lovey-dovey on Oscar Halvorson’s dime -- the old Norsky must have seen the phone bill and wondered about it, but he never said anything to me about the expense. Then when I’d get home in the afternoon I’d call Amy again on my landline rotary phone and we’d talk the hours away -- so my phone bills were gigantic, too. Back then AT&T really socked it to you for any and all long distance calls. Sometimes Amy called me, and then her mom and dad got charged for the call -- which didn’t sit very well with them at all.)

“Typed up some more of the novel & hit the sack.”

(The novel was called “The Vita-Goodie Lady.” It was a satire of LDS beliefs in health supplements sold by mid-level marketers like Amway and Shaklee. I worked on it off and on for the next eleven years, and when I finished it Amy’s rich brother Benny bought the rights to it from me for 17-thousand dollars -- with the understanding that I would give him back all the money under the table so he could claim it as a tax write-off.)

I shall buy a manbag


While ready-to-wear clothes showcased on the runway dominate fashion headlines, accessories generate a third of all revenue from personal luxury goods. Handbags in particular boast some of the industry’s biggest profit margins since they are expensive but take up little space in boutiques. And unlike shoes, they don’t need to come in different sizes.
WSJ

I'm done with pockets
with holes that drop coins
with keys that poke my thighs
with chapstick stains
*
I shall buy
a manbag
and stuff my life
into it
*
then I will always have
Ricola cough drops
a roll of quarters
and a ham sandwich
*
hand tooled leather
brass zippers and snaps
a sturdy shoulder strap
with a built in herbarium
*
inevitably
I will leave it at
Carl's Jr one fine day
when the french fries call
*
but my dream bag
will by then 
have legs to walk home
like in Terry Pratchett's Discworld
*
an Italian manbag
is all I ask
out of a diminishing life
and a Hostess Twinkie
*

Daughters to wife


. . . the Lord spake unto him again, saying that it was not meet for him, Lehi, that he should take his family into the wilderness alone; but that his sons should take daughters to wife . . .
First Nephi. Chapter Seven. Verse 1.

I married once;
it didn't take.
But it was not
the Lord's mistake.
The bitter fact
is that I ought
to have worked more
to tie the knot.
But if the Lord
says "Try again"
what can I do
but say "Amen?"



Saturday, March 30, 2019

Why Do Garfield Phones Keep Washing Up on This Beach in France? (NYT Headline)



because Snoopy phones
stick to beaches in
Thailand
*
and Barbie dolls
like Rio
this time of year
*
Legos congregate
in the Baltic
to spawn
*
bobbleheads
are restricted to
 the Great Lakes
*
did you know
the Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone
is on Amazon?



Are Delivery Drones Fly-by-Night?


Drones might never make it in the big city: too many concrete canyons, errant pedestrians and unpredictable truck drivers, not to mention too few backyards to serve as drop points. That’s why drone developers have their sights on the suburbs, where other forms of delivery are still generally unprofitable. Whether drones can be a saving grace depends on whether they can make a half-dozen backyard deliveries an hour in a five-mile radius without hitting any houses, cars, people, trees or power lines.
WSJ

remember all those white shirts
going door to door?
now they can send out 
drones
*
hovering around the backyard
playing hymns
dropping pamphlets
dodging rocks
*
and
they'll keep an eye
on you
and your sins
*
or maybe
they'll see such
goodness and mercy
they'll become superfluous
*
DRONES DISCOVER DECENCY
that's the headline I wanna see
the next time 
I swipe my neighbor's
Wall Street Journal


There is only one story


But the bonding benefits of storytelling only work if you’re good at it. Many of us, even those who tell stories for a living, are not. We repeat stories we’ve told before. We tell tales that don’t have a point. We fail to pay attention to our audience, choosing stories that are inappropriate or ignoring clues that our listener is bored, annoyed or confused. And we don’t know how to edit ourselves, throwing in every detail we find fascinating, no matter how irrelevant.
WSJ


there's only one story
to tell
and I've been telling it
for years
*
there's only one person
who can tell it
right
and that's me
*
not you 
nor your therapist
nor your boss
and not your parents
*
the one story
is so good
it can be repeated
endlessly
*
but only by me
and only when 
I feel like it
and you buy me a drink
*
otherwise there are no stories
not in the true sense
there are only 
words strung together
*
meaninglessly
marginally
mundanely
mordantly
*
but I'll give you
a break
here is the One True Story
in a single word:

scrambled eggs




Not of the world


Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world.
First Nephi. Chapter Six. Verse 5.

Write but one word
and if that one word
be pleasing unto God
it will last forever.

Say but one word
in kindness and charity
and that spoken word
lasts beyond mountains.

Do but one thing
to help another
and that one thing
will sprout wings
to carry you over
the world and its woes