Monday, March 23, 2020

Robert Chicory: An Urbane Legend. Chapter One.



CHAPTER ONE.

Each head of hair has one strand that is magic. But if it is cut it is no longer magic.
Almost no one knows this, and so it gets cut when the child is very young and the magic is never discovered. That is why there is such a widespread feeling of loss, a feeling of betrayal, in the world today. People vaguely realize that something magic was given to them at birth, but then it was cut off. And no amount of grubbing or pleading brings back that lost magic.
But there once was a boy named Robert Chicory whose parents never had his hair cut. His mother had dreamt the night before his birth that if she allowed his hair to grow he would become like Samson -- unique and handsome and wildly haunted.

So it was never cut. And one day Robert Chicory discovered he could do magic.

It was a day, like many another day when Robert Chicory was young, when the lure of a summer romp was too much to resist. The clouds rowed about the blue sky, silently chuckling to themselves. The grass upon the mounds across the street mussed themselves up with the glee of thousands of small living things running through them or chewing on them. Outside smelled just right, so Robert asked his mother if he could go out to play.

“Not until pine trees grow apples!” she retorted irritably. She was not actually irritated at Robert for anything. She was mad at Robert’s father for a small marble statue he had lost five years ago. The statue belonged to her great grandmother; it depicted an angel sneezing. Robert’s mother, who everyone called Babs, immediately felt guilty for taking her ire out on Robert, so she gave him a nutmeg cookie.   

“It’s too windy to go outside -- you might get run over by a kite” she told him in a much kinder voice.

Robert, at this point in his life, was not one to argue with his mother or any other authority figure, so he trooped into the living room to stare out the window, wishing with all his might that the pine tree in the front yard would sprout some apples.
And it did. They grew quickly into shiny red apples, and began falling off the pine tree with a ‘thud’ that attracted some nearby squirrels -- who have to investigate everything, no matter what. An astonished Robert ran to tell his mother.

“That old pine tree in the front yard is growing apples, mom! I made it happen!” he yelled excitedly.

“What?” she said. She ran with him back into the living room and stood silently amazed at the sight. 

“Well then” she said simply, “I guess you can go out and play.” Robert squeezed her like a lemon and literally jumped out the front door.

Babs went back into the kitchen and sat down. She peeled an orange, carefully piling the peelings onto a piece of wax paper so she could use them for marmalade later on. Or so she told herself, but since she had not made any jellies or jams in over ten years she suddenly grew irritable once again -- this time over her own self deceptive thoughts. She threw the orange peel away, then slowly ate the orange section by section. Thinking all the while about the strange thing that happened to the pine tree in the front yard. Something told her there would be more incidents like that with her curly-headed son, but before she could bundle up that thought to take to the cogitation shop her husband came through the back door and kissed her on the small of the neck.

“What’s for breakfast, Babs?” he asked. 

Meanwhile, Robert was joyfully inhabiting the summer sunlight. He listened to the gnats gossiping about the mayflies and watched a turtle slowly blink. He realized he should have asked for several more cookies while his mother was in a good mood. He was learning that cookies could disappear from a boy’s life just as easily as they could suddenly appear -- so when the cookies were abundant and in the charge of a smiling adult, one should stock up on them for the inevitable rainy day or dentist appointment. 
But prudent thoughts were suddenly tossed to the four winds when Robert saw his Grandpa Snork waddling down the road. He came on with a rolling gait, and when he saw Robert he gave a long wide sweep of his hand that might have cleared the sky of birds it was so enthusiastic.

“Hello dere!” he yelled at Robert, while still several yards away.

“Grandpa, you gotta come see the pine tree in our yard -- it’s full of apples!” Robert burst out as he ran to meet the old man.

“Well then” said his grandfather, “it’s a pineapple tree, ain’t it?”

“Guess so” said Robert, tugging on his hand to hurry him along to view the miracle.

“Hold your horses, boy! I’m feeling kinda fra-gilly today” Grandpa Snork protested as he was dragged along willy-nilly.

“C’mon, Grandpa” pleaded Robert, “it might stop laying apples! O sprouting ‘em or whatever the heck it’s doing!” 

When they arrived at the enchanted pine tree it was still producing apples by the score. Grandpa Snork slowly bent over to pick one up and bite it.

“Phooey!” he spat it out. “Tastes like turpentine, by the Lord Harry!”

“What should we do with ‘em all, then?” asked Robert.
“Gather ‘em up in a basket for an offering to the bumpsies” he replied.

The ‘bumpsies’ were a made up name that Grandpa snork used for the people buried in the mounds all around town long long ago. Some town folks thought their spirits still hung around, yearning for one last good meal. Robert couldn’t really tell if his grandfather believed in the bumpsies or not. The old man spoke of them in a high whining voice, the kind of voice he used when discussing politicians and his former wives -- so Robert didn’t think he took the bumpsies seriously; but Grandpa never went near any of the mounds after dark.

“You mean just pile ‘em on top of one of the mounds?” asked Robert.

“Yep” said his grandfather. “Provided we do it before it gets too late.” Before his grandson could rag on him for being afraid of the mounds after dark, he added “You know your mother always wants you home in time for dinner -- er, I mean breakfast!”

They ran into an immediate problem. No matter how many pine apples they picked up, the pine tree kept producing more.

“This some kind of magic stunt?” asked Grandpa Snork, getting his second wind.

“Uh, yeah; I guess I did it” admitted Robert, feeling both exhilarated and somehow ashamed.



“Dunno. How do you unmagic something, Grandpa?” asked Robert, relieved that his grandfather didn’t seem upset or even amazed at the pine tree’s strange fruit.

“Well . . . “ Grandpa Snork rubbed his short white beard a moment. “Maybe if you think about something dull and pointless the magic will go away. Maybe.”

So Robert gave some intense thought to his father’s collection of butter knives, and sure enough the old pine tree stopped growing apples.
“Now let’s gather a bunch to take up on top of that mound over there, my little bugaboo!” said Grandpa Snork, placing a hand on Robert’s shoulder to give him a friendly squeeze. Robert was grateful to him for not making a big deal out of his magic, or whatever it was.

After they had carted several dozen apples up onto the mound they walked back home and sat down to breakfast just as the sun was setting. Robert did not notice that his grandfather had surreptitiously picked up a flat gray stone on top of the mound while they were arranging the apples in a circle and slipped it into his coat pocket. 

“Will you say grace, please, Grandpa?” asked Robert’s father, Thomas.

“Most certainly” replied the old man, winking at Robert before he bowed his head to say just one single word. “Grace!” Then he stabbed his fork into the bowl of roast potatoes to snag the largest one.

“Oh Grandpa -- you’re such a character” said Babs mildly.

“That I am” the old man admitted proudly. He ate with relish, saying not a word until he had scrubbed his plate clean with a piece of bread, which he then popped into his mouth.

While he was wolfing down breakfast, Robert.s parents made stabs at getting their son to tell them how he had done magic. But since Robert didn’t know himself how he had done it, he became truculent and kept repeating “I dunno, I just did it” until his parents gave up on the subject and talked instead about the wars raging overseas, thanking their lucky stars that their own land was still at peace.

“That’s because those pesky foreigners are afraid of the bumpsies” said Grandpa Snork, as he greedily reached for the last sweet roll. “Remember when that group tried to bomb us back before Robert was born? They flew over and began dropping those rocket things on us, but instead of falling down on our heads and burning us up, those bombs just reversed themselves and blew up the planes that dropped them! You can’t tell me it was our scientists who did that! It was the bumpsies -- they don’t like being disturbed from their long sleep in the mounds. Or their short sleep, as the case may be” he added mysteriously.

Robert pricked up his ears. He’d heard his grandfather mention before that some of the mounds were not that ancient, when you came right down to it.

“It’s too gruesome a subject for breakfast, Grandpa,” said Thomas hastily. “Whatever the real cause was, we can all be thankful to sleep through the night in peace and quiet.”

“Amen” said Babs as she got up to clear the dishes. Thomas got up to help her, leaving Robert and his grandfather alone at the table.

“Are some of those mounds brand new-like, grandpa?” Robert whispered.

“Well, some of ‘em ain’t as ancient as folks like to think -- I can tell you that! There’s one over by my hotel that wasn’t there twenty years ago -- twenty years ago it was a yogurt factory. So unless those old bumpsies like moving their mounds around like chess pieces, there’s only one explanation that I can think of . . . “ here the old man stopped himself when Thomas and Babs came back to the table.

“Young man” said his father, “it’s bedtime for you. Grandpa, do you want to stay the night with us? Your room is ready, if you want to.”

Grandpa Snork got up to peer out the dining room window. 

“Well, I don’t see none of the mounds glowing tonight -- so I think I’ll just walk on back to my hotel and play a little snooker with the boys. Thanks all the same, Thomas. I’ll just wish the boy goodnight and be on my way.”

Hiding his disappointment as best he could, Robert gave his grandfather a kiss on the cheek and trooped off to bed. When his grandfather stayed overnight the rules about staying up late and having snacks were pretty much forgotten. 

After the boy was gone the three adults sat in the living room in silence. It was a balmy evening, so the windows were open. A mudbird called, and was answered by another. 

“Listen” said Snork at last. “I know you two don’t know what to do about this magic pine tree thing today. My advice is to let it alone, and let Robert alone. He don’t know anymore about what happened, really, than you do -- or I do. I seen some magic in my time, and sometimes it’s a good thing, but mostly it’s a painful thing for a man to mess with.”
He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the flat rock he had gotten on top of the mound earlier that day.
“Here’s a claptrap, I think it’s called. Anyway, they dampen all sorts of energy. Watch.” 
He held it up to the lamp on the table. The light immediately grew dim. When he pulled the stone away, the bulb glowed brightly again inside the lamp shade. He handed the stone to Babs.
“Make some kind of necklace out of it and have the boy wear it until you two and he can figure out what to do about this magic stuff. The stone should keep him from magicking himself into trouble or harm.”

Snork waved away their effusive thanks, thanking them enthusiastically in turn for the lavish dinner -- uh, lavish breakfast. He stumped out the front door, glanced warily at the nearest mound, which remained dark and non-threatening, and walked back to the Hotel Marmalade, where he rented a large room in the back, very quiet and discreet -- good for napping or rioting, as circumstances dictated.

After watching the old man disappear into the darkness, Babs and Thomas sat down on the porch swing. Thomas had much he wanted to say to his wife, but he knew that she would be spending the next several hours thinking quietly to herself about what had happened that day. She was a slow thinker, and clear, but not profound. When she spoke her mind it was usually both obvious and practical. Except in the area of heirlooms, like the marble statue of the sneezing angel. Then she tended to get vociferous and ghastly. 
All Thomas could think for sure was that sometimes things happened with no obvious explanation -- you just had to roll with the punches and keep on plugging. He hadn’t seen the pine tree making apples himself, but he accepted Babs’ word for it. So was Robert some kind of wizard, or did something else cause that strangeness? He shrugged his shoulders; in the long run it probably didn’t matter a hill of turnips. 

“I’m going to polish the knives” he said to Babs, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before going back inside. His butter knife collection gave him a great deal of comfort and reassurance in this crazy old world. You always knew where you stood with a butter knife. They took a good shine when rubbed down with a chamois cloth and kept out of the damp. There was nothing treacherous about them -- not like, say, letter openers, which were seemingly innocuous enough, but which could be used to commit murderous stabbing sprees given the right conditions. A good butter knife held a generous amount of butter or jam, and its broad sturdy blade would spread it on a piece of toast in an even and steady manner. A good butter knife, thought Thomas, was worth its weight in pewter.
Butter knives were not the only things that Thomas squirreled away in his basement study. He also collected leaf galls, maps, bars of soap, and stuffed skinks.

Robert didn’t fall asleep in his bedroom. He heard his parents saying goodnight to Grandpa Snork and heard them rocking back and forth on the porch swing. When his father came inside, Robert knew he would become engrossed with his butter knives while his mother stayed outside and thought real hard about things. Neither one of them would be checking up on him anytime soon, and he felt a great curiosity about the apples he and his grandfather had piled on the mound across the street. Were they still there? Had the squirrels come and chewed them up? He decided to sneak over and find out. 
He crawled silent out his bedroom window in his pajamas with corduroy slippers on his feet. Scampering silently to the top of the mound, he found the apples just as he and his grandpa had left them. Somewhat disappointed, he started down the mound but stopped when he thought he heard a whisper.

“Thank you, young Robert for the apples” the whisper seemed to say. “Thank the old gentleman too, when you see him.”

Robert did not feel afraid, just curious.

“Who are you? Are you the ghosts in the mound?” he asked out loud.

There was a soft collective titter.

“Oh no, we are not ghosts. We are not anything you would know or recognize” the whisper in his head said. “We are a sort of dust, a powdering of bones that are very old, or very new, or very mischievous. We visit these mounds often, and the smell of your apples is very surprising and pleasant to us.”
“My grandpa says they taste like turpentine,” Robert said to the stars. He felt as if mosquitoes were hovering all around him, but silently and with no intention of biting him.

“Your grandfather is a wise old man, Robert. We think you should listen to him, especially when he is making jokes. He tells some deep truths when he’s joking” the whisper said, beginning to fade away.

“Can I come see where you live?” Robert asked.

“We are just forgotten dust . . . our places would make you sad . . . . just listen to the stars . . . “ And the whisper was gone.

“Hello! Hello! Are you still there?” Robert asked loudly. But there was no answer. 

Robert shrugged his shoulders, the way he had seen his grandpa do, then walked down the mound and back to his house, and climbed back into his bedroom window. He was asleep before he could even wonder how bone dust could smell apples.   

Meanwhile Babs stayed out on the porch, slowly thinking through the events of the day, reviewing them and trying to make sense of them. She didn’t actually believe in any kind of magic -- that was ridiculous. But she knew that her son Robert was bound for a strange destiny, and sometimes this delighted her, and sometimes it scared her. She would never let his hair be cut, because of the dreams she had. But if he had some kind of magic in him, should she let him explore it and find out about it, or should she suppress it until he was old enough to work it out himself?

Her mother had had a reputation as a witch, as a sooth-sayer of sorts. She knew all about the herbs that grew in the waste places outside of town, near the spindly woods. She brewed chickweed tea for pregnant women, to help settle their stomachs. She mashed lambsquarters into a paste for bee stings and sunburn. And she collected twigs from certain trees during the full moon to make a small fire on an iron disk, then used the ashes to predict the weather. So they had called her a witch behind her back. They were glad enough to take her potions, since she never charged anything -- but they didn’t much like her in their houses, and Babs was not allowed to play with their daughters. Her mother had laughed it off, saying that human nature would make an owl smile and a stone weep. But Babs wanted friends, lots of them -- and she never had any until Thomas showed up one day on a motorcycle, selling wooden buckets he made himself. Babs was only fourteen, but when Thomas smiled at her she simply jumped on behind him and said “Take me away from here, and I’ll be your wife.” That was nine years ago. And she had never regretted it. 

She fingered the claptrap. It was smooth and cold, like a slab of ice. She couldn’t decide what would be best for her son. But she knew what would be best for her -- quiet and uneventful days, one following the next like a queue of hikers on a narrow mountain trail. Because if she had a long string of placid days, of placid years, to look forward to, she was certain she could nurture her son to become someone who wouldn’t ever need magic to get along.  She took the claptrap into her husband, who, besides collecting things like a packrat, was also very handy with tools, to have him make the stone into a necklace for their son Robert. 
This was a tragedy and a crime, done in love. Suppression is not the same as nurturing, but parents, especially mothers, always learn this too late. It is one reason, one of the main reasons, that sadness veils histories like this one.

Progress Report on my new novel. Monday March 23. 2020.



Monday, March 23. 2020.
Here is the great thing about being a novelist, or thinking you’re one --
You create and inhabit your own world, so that when the real world crashes, burns, and smolders, it’s not such a big deal. I am now building and inhabiting a new world full of my own characters, and so what’s going on with disease and war, poverty and homelessness, seems like a report from our colony on Mars -- interesting, but not terribly relevant to my current circumstances. I hope that doesn’t sound too cold hearted, but a novelist cannot serve two masters. At least, not THIS novelist.
And of course I can always assuage my conscience with my daily cooking. I made a dashing beef stew in the slow cooker yesterday, which pleased me immensely. But I was peeved no end by a woman here in the building who likes to gush over what a saint I am for cooking meals for others. She gets on my nerves. She offered to make a big pan of corn bread for Sunday dinner. I told her no thanks I like doing it all myself, but she started to get teary eyed and said it would help her work through her depression, so I said sure go ahead we eat at noon. She never made the darn corn bread and never told me she hadn’t done it.
Now I’ll stop myself right there, because I realize this is a digression -- and I want to save my digressions for the novel itself. One of my favorite books of all time is Laurence Sterne’s ‘Tristram Shandy.’ And that’s nothing BUT digressions. I’ve been reining in my digressions with my recent poetry and flash fiction, but with a big fat meandering novel I can really let loose and wander about to my heart’s content. I’m a regular Thomas Wolfe.  
 But you can soon decide for yourself it you like that style of story telling, because I finished another thousand plus words yesterday, bringing the first chapter nearly to a close. All I have left is a little bit of character exposition to establish the mood and indicate the path of future events to build reader interest. So you should have the first chapter tonight. You lucky devils!
One stumbling block that has already occurred is that one of the ancillary characters is threatening to take over the entire story. We can’t have that! So even though he’s a fascinating old cuss (I wonder who he’s based on?) I have downsized both his dialogue and relevance to the story. In fact, I’m steeling myself to kill him off about halfway through the novel -- hopefully by then the protagonist will have developed and matured enough to not need a gang of seedy characters capering around him to build and keep reader engagement in his story.
And let me reiterate -- there will be absolutely NO characters whatsoever in my novel with the name of Marilyn. Period. End of story. 

Walk Together

Image result for book of mormon


 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Amos 3:3



Do not be a step ahead, or be a step behind;
but walk in tandem with the Lord and all those so aligned.
Isolated though we are by a modern virus,
we can walk together still, if we are desirous.
If our hearts go hand in hand with helping all our neighbors,
God will bless us as a group for our righteous labors.


Sunday, March 22, 2020

Progress Report on my new novel. Sunday, March 22, 2020.




Yesterday I managed to whip up just over a thousand words to start my new novel. I named the protagonist and began introducing the reader to his thoughts and his associates.
It’s an amazing feeling to begin a vast new enterprise like a novel. It bucks you up no end, gives you that frisky Tolstoy-like feeling that makes you want to put pink ribbons in your hair. I imagine Tolstoy did that quite often at the end of a long day of steady writing. His novels, of course, run well over six hundred pages, more than two-hundred-thousand words. Me, I don’t aspire to that kind of bulk, not this time around. I’m looking at around fifty-thousand words. Which, at my present rate of production, a thousand words per day, should put me over the finish line in about two or three months. I don’t believe in writer’s block. I also don’t believe much in plot lines and character development, as will become apparent as you are privileged to begin reading my magnum opus.
Oh, by the way -- from now on, when you refer to me to other people, please do so as “the novelist,” not as “the circus clown” or “lazy old bum.”
And for those of you who responded to my initial email by asking if my new novel would be about Marilyn -- no, it will not. And pick your minds out of the gutter.
After I finished my thousand words yesterday I got out a dog-eared notepad I’d been using to prop my bedroom door open and began recording ideas and making notes for future episodes. In my excitement and creative ferment I didn’t bother with coherency, so this is what my notes looked like:

Use babs
Mudbirds and have a Puddle Bat somewhere
Remember to go back to the statue of the angel sneezing -- make it a plot point.
Just keep reading and stop speculating
Daydreams never buttered any toast
Give snork a bunch of wives
Don’t give away the bumpsies till the end
Breakfast not dinner is what’s for dinner
Make the pineapple tree stop, who can do that?
Make a game of the horse eating, maybe a sledgehammer or rhino.
The story is an inverted pyramid starting with one person and blobbing frot mishmaw gpoel . . . . 
(my cursive has never been very good at the best of times; I’m afraid it degenerated badly after this entry, so I can’t make heads nor tails of anything else I wrote yesterday.)

And thus are you privy to the genesis of my new novel. What an honor for you!
Of course, I imagine some of you are saying to yourselves “Why doesn’t the poor knucklehead just write the novel already? We don’t need all these trifles! It’s a waste of time.”
To which I must reply -- indeed you DO need these trifles, as do I. Having written several novels in the past, I now conclude that process is as important as product. Report the process in detail, and the novel will practically write itself.
In fact, I just now figured out what ‘frot mishmaw gpoel’ means . . . so I gotta go to work on it.
Tune in again tomorrow for more literary illumination.


***********************

An email response from a professor at BYU:
I just figured out who you remind me of, at least in your literary product: James Joyce, especially in Finnegans Wake.

Or to do it more in his style:



littery product, Jimmy JoyceJoyce - especialement in Finnegans Wake I just figuratively outed hoo, hoo you hoo remind me of the most at lees tin yer


And the email response from a friend in Hawaii:

No Marilyn.  Hmmm.
I like those stories because the subjects seem more human and real, though humorously strange.  Maybe your fiction will be the same.


Postcard to my President. Sunday March 22, 2020.











The foolishness of God

Image result for book of mormon

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
1 Corinthians 1:25

A fool sees only other fools,
like fish see only other schools;
thus harebrained pride usurps the place
of sacred converse face to face.
A weak man fears the light of day,
because it shows the harder way
for him to find great majesty --
he'd rather shun eternity.
Absurd the word of God may seem
to those afraid to hope and dream;
but Christ is not a weakling dunce.
He'll come in glory all at once!

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Be of good courage.

Image result for book of mormon

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
Deuteronomy 31:6


With trouble all around us,
God will never sound retreat.
Though institutions crumble,
all His promises are sweet.
He never fails in doing
all His sacred will proposes;
and we will grow true courage
as our trust in Him reposes.
Fear is not an option
when we serve our mighty Lord;
His word is like the lightning
and a double sided sword.
Those who stand beside him
in this world of dismal peril,
will find his promise of relief
is full, while doubt is sterile.
Only trust in Jesus Christ
as Lord of all creation,
and you will never waiver
in your joy and celebration!

Friday, March 20, 2020

and then the mayonnaise ran out




And then the mayonnaise ran out. It wasn't until I was in my late fifties that I actually learned how to spell 'mayonnaise' correctly, and now it was gone. Gone from my pantry, gone from the grocery shelves, gone from my life. Gone from the planet.

I never found out who made this vast executive decision, who had the authority and the audacity to simply snap their fingers and stop the production of mayonnaise forever. I shudder to think what else that person might have done with their terrifying power.
Ban the color pink?
Pave the streets with paper clips?
Make chives the national anthem?
Force baseball players to train football players during the off season?

It's enough to make a man feel sleepy right after a heavy dinner.

When I realized there would never be a bottle of mayonnaise sitting on my pantry shelf again, smug and reassuring as lares and penates, I went a little crazy. I broke into a lumber yard at night to sleep naked on a pile of sawdust. I ground sea shells into a paste to brush my teeth with. And I grew tomatoes in a "No Tomatoes" zone. For that last one I was hauled before a judge and told to leave the township pronto if I valued my pelt.

So I began my wanderings among the Stick People. They live on the margins of society, often depicted by imaginative children as nothing but thin black lines and wobbly circles with smiley faces. But in reality they are a fascinating segment of society that have been neglected and abused for far too long. They make all our bottle caps, having lost their cork farms to the besom of modern technology. Just a hundred years ago they were happy and bucolic  agriculturalists living independently on their cork farms, tending the tender little cork shoots and nourishing them into the sturdy stoppers that kept all our bottled beverages safe and sound. But today they are aimless migrants, settling down like a flock of starlings for a few days or weeks to produce bottle caps, and then taking off again with a giant 'swoosh' when the neighbors complain and bang pots and pans together at them.

I traveled with them, trading my steeplejack skills for room and board, mourning out my days. Then I heard the news, a faint whisper on the breeze that came from nowhere and everywhere:  There was mayonnaise to be had again, in certain obscure places down near the Equator. To be had, that is, for those willing to pay the price.

So I rubbed elbows with the Stick People and headed to the Equator. But the price, when I got there, was steep indeed. I lost a finger in Bogota. My left eye in Singapore. All my hair in Nairobi. And my heart in Fortaleza. She was the daughter of a campesino, fiery and defiant, willing to cross any line, abandon any scruple, in order to escape the crushing poverty of the chicle mines. 

She told me of a sleepy village where salad dressing was to be found -- and, she implied with a toss of her crinkly curls, where there's salad dressing there's bound to be mayonnaise. I believed her, so we boarded the China Clipper for a haircut before leaving, hitching a ride with a wallaby drover over the unswept plains of Andalusia to a small jerkwater village that had remained uncorrupted by modern technology and free from capricious government mandates. And there we found it -- the very last jar of Hellman's. 

But before I could prepare my first ham on rye I was struck down by beri-beri. I lay senseless for a week, with Fernanda, my inamorata, constantly by my side, fanning me with a pineapple.  When I finally came to my senses I learned that Fernanda had thrown the jar of Hellman's onto the flames as an offering to the jungle gods for my recovery. Superstitious brat.

I had cut some shady deals while tracking down that jar of Hellman's, and now they came back to bite the hand that fed them. The birdseed cartel demanded their ostrich back. And when I was slow giving them the bird, they got all tectonic on me. And that's when Fernanda really proved her worth.
She danced for them until they cut my head off. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Postcard to my President

These are handmade and original cardstock postcards I mail to the President, c/o the White House, each week day.
It is my goal to mail one each day to the President of the United States for the rest of my life.
Enjoy.



When the time is right, we will strike!



Walking down a deserted street, where the grass was beginning to sprout, I saw a man in the distance, beckoning to me.
I didn't recognize him, so I took my time ambling his way. He wore a tan trench coat and his black hair was mussed up something terrible. The closer I got to him, the less I liked anything about him. He finally grew impatient at my slow pace and headed towards me, but when he did that I turned around and walked away from him.

"Wait!!" he yelled at me. "Don't go! I have something important to tell you!" 

"You can tell me from right there, bub" I said, a good thirty feet away from him.

"Can I come up and whisper it in your ear?" he asked.

"Nope. Stay where you are, or I'll bash you with my coal shovel."
I had taken to carrying a heavy cast iron coal shovel with me whenever I went out for a stroll. Just in case something like this occurred. I waved the coal shovel around my head in a menacing manner.

"Oh" he whined, " this shouldn't be said in public. Not yet. Not now."

"Go ahead" I said calmly. "Spit it out."

"Fudge!" he said. "Guess I'll just have to do it."
He hunched his shoulders together and cupped his hands around his mouth.
"When the time comes, we will strike!" he hissed at me. Then he ran away from me, zig-zagging back and forth across the street like a mad man -- but he was in no danger of being struck by a car, since there were none on the roads anymore.

There was a cop down on the corner who had watched the two of us. Now he came up to me. He came right up to me, the dumb flatfoot. I decided not to assault him with my coal shovel, though I was sorely tempted. 

"What did that guy say?" he asked me, keeping an eye on my shovel. I could tell he wanted to write me a ticket or take me to jail for carrying it, but hadn't quite figured out what the charge would be.

"He said 'when the time comes, we will strike'" I told him flatly.

"What did he mean by that?" the cop asked me in a neutral voice.

"No idea" I replied, matching his tone. "Never saw the guy before in my life, and I don't keep track of the time anymore." 
I showed the cop my right and left wrists to prove I didn't carry a watch anymore. 

The cop's eyes glowed with an unhealthy excitement. Placing his rough red hand on my shoulder, he whispered hoarsely: "He's right, you know. When the time is right, we will strike!"

Then the cop walked away -- too quickly for me to raise my shovel and bean him, which I wanted badly to do after he so blatantly violated my private space.

I took off my violated jacket and tossed it in a nearby trash can. It started to rain. I was getting a chill, so I walked into a nearby drug store, where the glaring neon lights advertised TBH oil at half price. I found a cheap plastic poncho and took it to the guy in the white coat behind the thick plexiglass shield at the cash register. He had a large red button on the lapel of his lab coat, which read
 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING I SHOULDN'T. 

I couldn't stop myself. To his query did I find everything, I archly replied: "When the time comes, we will strike!"

He nodded his head, rang up my purchase, wrapped it in a banana leaf, and leaned into the plexiglass until his nose looked like it was made of Silly Putty.

"The new password is 'Chittagong has fallen' he whispered to me. "And ditch the shovel, dum-dum; you want the cops to catch on to you?"

"How much will you give me for it?" I asked him promptly. Because, you see, this was a new age in which money happened in many strange new ways.

"I'll give you a thousand dollars, hard cash, right here and now" he said, pulling open the cash register drawer as he spoke.

When I was back on the rainy deserted street, with my poncho on and a thousand smackers in my pocket, I decided it was time to strike.

So I went home and made waffles, then lay down on the floor for a nap. But when I woke up, the strike was over. We won. But taxes became much higher.