Timericks from stories by Ellen Gamerman, Mike Cherney, and Jason Zinoman.

Tim Torkildson. Creator of the 'timerick.'  Awarded 'Ninnyhammer of the Year.' 1989.

When Your Best Friend in Quarantine Is a Squirrel, You May Be Going Nuts.

@EllenGamerman

I do not care for squirrels at all/in summer, winter, spring, or fall/Their antics leave me cold and bored/They do not strike a happy chord/They chew my garden up until/there ain't a single daffodil/The only way I'd love 'em true/is in a pot of Brunswick stew.

Australia Is Being Cyberattacked by State Actor, Prime Minister Says.


Crikey, those hackers are smart/They're taking the country apart/Is Putin to blame/or is it a game/that Beijing is willing to start?



How Richard Pryor Changed the Way Comedy Sees Police Brutality
@zinoman


Remember Sennett's Keystone Kops/and their very brutal ops/Wielding nightsticks right and left/Comic's heads they deftly cleft/In those silent days of yore/they beat Fatty, Chaplin, sore/Grandpa laughed and Grandma grinned/Everyone was more thick-skinned.

Let us make a joyful noise

O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.
Psalm 95:1

Humdrum as my day may be,

I'll celebrate it gratefully.

Arthritic joints and laundry stale

will not my joyfulness impale.

For out of solid rock is hewn

salvation as my sacred boon.

A can of beans for my repast --

Still I am God's, both first and last!

Timericks from stories by Liz Hoffman, Justin Scheck, Michael Wilson, and Isaac Stanley-Becker.

Tim Torkildson, creator of the 'timerick,' and Founder of Applesauce Anonymous.

Eddie the Repo Man Has Time on His Hands: What Happens When Your Debt Is Suspended

@lizrhoffman

Eddie Whiteman had a truck/and he towed those out of luck/Now that banks are friendly-like/Eddie can go ride a bike/Repo man, your tragedy/doesn't even bother me/Living off of other's grief/you're no better than a thief.

Mr. Chuck Roerhrich responed to the above poem in the Wall Street Journal thus:  

So you'd allow someone who stops making payments to keep the car?
If someone doesn't want to be arrested, should the police just let him walk away?

Mr. Paul Kahn, also from the Wall Street Journal, emailed me this marvelous response to the above poem:
Can you loan me a few thousand or so. I may or may not be able to pay you back but since you seem like the generous sort at least with other peoples money I was hoping you would be just as generous with your own. 

A third person has chimed in, via email, on my above poem. This is Mr. Chad Martin, from the Wall Street Journal Commentary section:

Tim,

Grow up and realize life is not easy or fair

Dont try to give away other peoples moneyIf you know a better way, give your OWN money away. 

The Pandemic Isn’t Over. New Yorkers Are Acting as if It Were.

@MWilsonNYT

Pandemic times are here to stay/but in New York they simply say/'Let's eat and drink and merry be/Who cares about mortality?/We'd rather with each other grapple/than stay shut up in the Big Apple!'

As protests spread to small-town America, militia groups respond with armed intimidation and online threats.

@isaacstanbecker

Militias are no guarantee/that I am secure, clear and free/Those gun-tottin' hayseeds/do not count their prayer beads/when striking their dread timpani.

Rest in the Lord

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
Psalm 37:7

Why should I fret or judge the world

 for all the folly now unfurled?

The Lord of Hosts will sort things out --

whether war or plague or drought.

The wicked on the void do tremble;

their only thought is to dissemble.

But I will turn from them to find

the rest of God for peace of mind.

Photo Essay: Postcards mailed to President Donald Trump, reporter Natalie Andrews, reporter Jesse Newman, and reporter William Wan.

To:  President Trump

To: Natalie Andrews

To: Jesse Newman

To:  William Wan

Timericks from stories by Micah Maidenberg, Annie Gasparro, Julia-Ambra Verlaine, and Brian X. Chen.

Tim Torkildson, inventor of Timericks, and CEO of Rent-a-Mime.

Aunt Jemima to be Dropped Over Origins in Racial Stereotype

@Annie_Gasparro   @MicahMaidenberg

So long Aunt Jemima and goodbye to Uncle Ben/You are a reminder of our racist businessmen/Nowadays our images must be so squeaky clean/that even jolly giants can no longer display green.

The Upside of Lockdowns: Finally Time to Read ‘War and Peace’

@JAVerlaine

I never have read War and Peace/I do not think I'll start it/No matter what the critics say/I cannot grow to heart it.

Tackling the Unsolvable Problem: The Bottomless Email Inbox

@bxchen

I've got so many emails

my inbox is a mess.

I've got a million of 'em,

or even more I guess.

The world and all its birdbrains

must talk to me it seems --

The spam alone is countless;

I can't suppress my screams.

Then friends and fam'ly crowd me

with photos, memes, and quotes --

I'd like to put my fingers

around their little throats.

How nice if I could backtrack

to pioneering times --

communicate by pigeon

and only spend some dimes.

And men are instructed sufficiently

And men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil.
2 Nephi 2:5

Life is not a lottery.

Our choices make our destiny.

There is no luck -- we always know

what is wrong and apropos.

Instructed by a loving Hand,

we build on rock or fickle sand.

Select the good for peace of mind.

and leave your ignorance behind!

Timericks from stories by Jason Gay, Sha Hua, and Dustin Volz

Tim Torkildson, inventor of the timerick and of the chocolate covered pickle.

If There’s No Baseball, Will You Miss It?

@jasongay

If baseball's gone, sure I will miss it/I promise I will never diss it/if they ever bring it back/No umpire I'll call a hack/Those hotdogs at the ballpark are/not rancid, but a superstar!/What gods there be that stage such things/know baseball is the Sport of Kings!

Beware of Falling Tofu: China Takes on High-Altitude Littering.

@shashamimi

Lookout below! the tenant cries/as he throws garbage from the skies/Twenty stories overhead/he tosses out potato shred/and doesn't give a flying fig/that he is such a lofty pig/But down below the refuse hits/until Beijing is sure the pits/Perhaps if tenants were thrown out/instead they'd turn a bit devout.

CIA’s ‘Lax’ Security Led to Massive Theft of Hacking Tools, Internal Report Finds

@dnvolz

The CIA is now so lax/they welcome internet attacks/So busy as a cyber bully/they are not protected fully/The Russians and the Chinese smirk/cuz looting us is easy work.

The waters are come into my soul

1 Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.

2 I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

14 Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters.

Psalm 69:1 -2, 14.

Deliver me from dark thoughts and the terror of defeat.

Sunk in deep despair, I feel I'm drowning in deceit.

Is heaven out of service; am I too far gone to hold

that I can be delivered from this mire dark and cold?

No! Although the heavens hold no bright dawn for today.

No! Although I'm waterlogged with fear and deep dismay.

My prospects may be dimming and my strength a broken reed,

but I proclaim that Jesus Christ will answer every need!

Worthless servant that I am, so indolent and pale,

I yet work for a Master who is not about to fail.

I've cast my lot with thee, O Lord, and hope for unearned boon

when in thy ample vineyard thou will set about to prune.

Timericks from stories by Tom Burton, Sam Schechner, and Jesse Newman.

Creator of the 'timerick.'  Tim Torkildson. 

FDA Pulls Emergency Covid-19-Use Approval for Two Malaria Drugs Touted by Trump
@TomBurtonWSJ

Anything that Trump okays/is probably just mayonnaise/The nodding heads with noses brown/that prick their foreheads on his crown/are doing us a lot of harm/and lack their leader's crusty charm/If Trump says 'stop' then I say 'go'/His 'wait' is my 'Geronimo!'


Once Pariahs, Location-Tracking Firms Pitch Themselves as Covid Sleuths
@samschech


Location tracking firms/are chasing all our germs/Like Santa's own doodad/they note our good and bad/The data they collect/they then start to dissect/with ev'ry new furlong/my soul is their ping-pong.

Why Milk’s Best Sales in a Decade Won’t
Save Struggling Dairy Farmers
@jessenewman13


The dairy farmer is my pal/for he provides the rationale/for ice cream sundaes, buttered toast/the cottage cheese on which I coast/May God save dairies and their ilk/cuz I recoil from almond milk!