the ads for burgers always show
meat with juiciness aglow.
french fries plump and crispy, too;
milk shakes thicker than most glue.
so I see on TV screens
as I sit home with pork & beans.
Covid moved in years ago
and can't be budged with a back hoe.
It's in our blood and in our lungs
and in our minds and on our tongues.
We cannot take it to the dump --
it's really just like Donald Trump!
Today's Timericks: Thrift Stores Raise Prices (WSJ)
Making guns, you cannot lose
money -- just like making booze.
Ready markets always panting
for your stuff to fuel their ranting.
Immoral it may be to some;
you don't get rich with chewing gum!
I haven't had a bit of luck since 1982;
and so I think my sinking ship must now be overdue.
When at last it does arrive, with treasure loaded down --
I'll miss my step upon the pier and like enough I'll drown.
Bob Cummings was an actor rare;
he kept his figure and his hair.
In movies, radio, TV,
he was the perfect droll emcee.
The reason for this rhyming phlegm --
he's on all night on TCM.
I wished upon a star one eve
about my upper-most pet peeve.
That lying politicians fry
as cooks in any junior high.
Failing that, I'd be content
to see them barreled to ferment.
(or buried underneath cement.)
just try and cancel your
washington post subscription.
go on, I dare you.
I've tried. for two months.
and failed.
it makes a man whimper.
he feels lower than the dead sea.
Things started out happy
between us.
But then I needed that ten
bucks a month to keep me
in bagels and cream cheese
when prices went up.
so I tried to call and email.
Bupkis.
so I went to my account settings today;
then to help;
then to frequently asked questions;
then help center;
then subscriptions;
then to cancel a digital subscription only;
then to chat.
the box said I am talking to
Loreve.
she wrote 'please give me
a moment while I look up
your account.'
then she wrote (I'm assuming
Loreve is female, but who knows?)
"please send me your credit card transaction
code.'
so I did.
she found my account under an
old email address.
Huh.
so I'm paid up through June 6th.
and Loreve canceled it after that.
Huh.
guess I got nuthin' to complain
about after all.
dammit. that shoots this poem
all to hell . . .
I threw down the newspaper and chortled.
"Lookit this!" I said to the wife.
"Bedbugs infest posh New York City Hotels."
She didn't respond.
"All those rich people, itching and scratching"
I said in high glee. "Serves 'em right!"
She came over to me, grim-faced.
"Lookit this!" she said bitterly.
She had a squashed bug in her hand.
"I found it in our bed!"
"Is it . . . ?" I began.
"Yeah" she said. "It's a bedbug!"
"Oy vey!" I moaned. "Bedbugs here in
Muscatine Iowa!"
Just then the doorbell rang.
It was a special delivery letter
addressed to me. I ripped it open.
"Hey!" I said. "My Uncle Harry passed
away and left us forty million dollars!"
"Let's get out of this bug-infested burg!"
urged the wife.
So we did.
We burned every stick of furniture and every
bit of clothing and started over.
We moved to the Big Apple. New York City.
We bought a mansion on Fifth Avenue.
We had a Swedish mattress so expensive that
three security guards escorted it up into our
bedroom.
And it had bedbugs!
They bit us until we were scratching
our welts and bleeding on the expensive
furniture. Made of teakwood, most of it.
So we moved out. Sold the place at a loss.
Went to San Francisco. Found a townhouse
on a hill painted in pastels.
Our new mattress was made of magnetic
fiberglass -- guaranteed to kill any and all
vermin.
But then CNN ran a series of reports saying
that magnetic fiberglass causes cancer.
And attracts bedbugs.
We had the townhouse demolished.
We fled to Canberra in Australia to collect
heritage sheep fleeces.
It's a well-known fact that kangaroos
eat bedbugs, so they don't have very many
in the country.
That's when we discovered the joys
of hosting sheep lice.
So I divorced my first wife and married
a centipede. Our eggs are many. We
hide them in warm dark moist places.
Chapter 5 part 3
Scientists today are probably working on an algorithm or mathematical formula that will explain and categorize love. I wish them well. Several of our children have used online dating services. Which rely on algorithms to some extent. My beloved has told me that she has used online platforms to scrutinize erstwhile boyfriends. Me, I have never had any truck with such fiddle-faddle. But then again, I am not such a big believer in premortal arrangements that inevitably lead to a couple meeting and marrying. I guess, if I were pressed, I’d have to say I think the best way to find love and companionship is on the wing. Marriage, in my uninformed opinion, is the biggest gamble in the world. It also gives you the biggest jackpot in the world. By miraculous circumstances, which I believe are providential, I staked everything on a beautiful woman. My Beloved. Up at the old funeral home in Tioga. And I lost everything. The shirt off my back. But then I won it all back again, in spades. “In spades” is no longer politically correct. It refers to the game of birdge. But it suits my situation perfectly, so I'm using it. If you want to sue me for it, join the line that’s already formed.
Some people think they can program their life. That there’s an app online through the internet of things that will tell them what to think, tell them what to do, tell them what to not eat, tell them when to get up. Tell them who to vote for and tell them when to go to bed. But to paraphrase W.C. Fields: “Anyone who hates apps and bitcoin can’t be all bad.”
I don’t know exactly how My Beloved reacts to such old codger crankiness. Since she herself has been intimately involved with many different programs online while working as a tax preparer for H&R block this year. She has spent the last four months online preparing taxes for the kind of people who eventually wind up walking around wearing nothing but a barrel. You pay taxes with money and money is almost as interesting to most people as sex. So we will change formats. Change gears, so to speak. With a Q and A session with me and My Beloved. I am the Q and she is the A.
Q: How did you first get involved with H&R Block?
A: I was looking for work. Many applications had gone out to many people. Marie Olson responded to my application and the rest is history. Marie Olson, I later learned, is a supervisor over the Provo District in corporate H&R Block. That district covers the geographic area between American Fork on the north to Santaquin on the south and west of the Uinta Mountains, east of the Tooele Mountains. She is responsible for hiring assistants and Customer Service Persons for the various offices which require them. I was hired as an assistant to the busiest tax preparer in the district. Marie and I got along famously from the first time I met her. Her familiar manner was comforting to me. She felt a kinship with me as well and we have been friends ever since. She is my boss and I do anything she wants. She is always good to ask if I can do things instead of assume that I will be available if the time is different than what I signed up for.
Q: You once told me, in fact you have told me several times, that you do boring well. Is that part of the attraction for doing taxes for others at H&R Block?
A: Nope. As an assistant to a tax preparer I could use the skills I had learned and acquired from the various offices I had been a part of. Using different programs and understanding the nuances of upgrades as well as limitations in programs helped. I had learned to scan many confidential documents and save to files. I had learned to work with a spreadsheet and manage accounting there. I understood about state tax and federal tax and Medicare and the percentages for each. All this is boring to someone who is not interested in bookkeeping or accounting. Yet these are the nuts and bolts of the organization for whom I work. I don’t consider this boring work. My job was to do whatever the tax preparer needed whether scanning, or data entry, or creating a document, or answering emails, or making phone calls, or setting appointments. I learned many of the finer points of the company well before I took the course for tax preparing. If I had not been introduced to the company this way it would have been a shock to enter the workforce of H&R Block after I took the class to be a tax preparer. The course is designed to educate a person about tax laws. It is not designed to teach you how to work the data entry software for H&R Block. There are several programs in which to work for keeping records at H&R Block.. Each has a purpose and the corporate team is always working on upgrades for better service to clients.
If there is a time that something is boring to me it’s most likely that it is tedious. Something that is tedious to me is very interesting to someone else and visa versa. I’m getting better at telling people no if it is going to be tedious beyond repair for me.
************************
We take a break here to pull a pan of french fries out of the oven . . .
*******
Q: Can you please describe for our readers a typical H&R Block Program that you are familiar with?
A: I’m not sure what you mean.
Q: Well, then, describe for us what you do for clients.
A: I do many things. If I lead with a question “How may I help you today?” and not assume that I am doing their taxes, I get various answers that quickly allows me to help their situation. It can be anything from looking at a letter from IRS to sorting out their receipts for tax deductions on a small business. Of course the most frequent duty is to prepare their taxes for federal and state 1040 submission to IRS. The submission of federal and state income tax reports involves using the secure company program which has a direct line to IRS. It’s one-way so that if we submit the information we have access to what we submit. We don’t have access to IRS records if we have not submitted to them.
Q: Thank you for that explanation, dear. What do you consider to be the best part of working at H&R Block as a tax preparer.
A: People. Everyone is different. Everyone has a story. They come to H&R Block once a year and tell what has happened in the year. If the tax person is new to them they get to tell their whole life story in the 50 minute interview time. I like to find connections and comment about what I notice.
Q: if you could change anything about your work at H&R Block what would it be?
A: People. Some people are naturally fearful, drama prone, complaining, expecting and assuming. I do my best to assuage the fear and drama. Complainers need to have someone listen so I do. Those with unreasonable expectations I can usually refer to another more experienced tax pro. The assuming ones usually make an ass of you and me before we’re done.
Q: One last question. What kind of personality and talent do you think are needed to succeed as a tax preparer at H&R Block.
A: You need to be the kind of person who will connect with the people you serve. You will want to be able to remember things so you can help in various situations because not everyone is the same. The laws are constantly changing so keeping up with them is another skill but the company helps with that as they require and provide annual class work to update you on new tax law changes.
The wind shakes your eyes
so the souls of the trees move
and the clouds sashay.
風があなたの目を揺さぶる-
だから木の魂が動く
と雲のサシェイ。
The wind shakes your eyes
while the mountains turn to dust
and the sparrows glide.
風があなたの目を振る
山がほこりに変わる間
そしてスズメは滑空します。
The wind shakes your eyesso the stones start to rattle --little twigs run home.風があなたの目を振る
石がガタガタ鳴り始めます-
小さな小枝が家に帰りますNo mask for me upon the train!
My face is free from rules profane!
I'll board my flight or take the bus
without a single bit of fuss!
The High Court sez I can't be made
to guard my health with cloth blockade!
*****************************
"U.S.-Mexico Border Arrests Top One Million in Six Months."
(WSJ)
Near the border you may be
put in jail eternally.
Officers along the line
act like they're on turpentine.
One cross look (without a crime!)
and you'll be serving real hard time.
***********************
"Yes, You Can Be More Than Your Job Title."
(WSJ)
I'm all about my job, cuz why?
My ego it does magnify!
Underlings report to me.
I get to drive a car for free.
What's that? The boss has just announced
my whole department has been bounced!
So now I push a mop instead.
I sure do miss my feather bed!
The birds come to our feeder, a few at a time.
There are proud robins. Quirky goldfinches.
Arrogant cardinals. And shy bluebirds.
The dull brown sparrows try to feed, too.
But are chased off. Not by the birds,
who are too proud to do their own dirty work.
They are chased away by the squirrels.
And where the birdfeed spills on the ground
chives grow. Willowy and vibrant green.
At least, I think they are chives.
I hope they are chives.
Because I put them in the soup
I serve to strangers who stop at my door
for a free meal.
I have a sign put up on the front lawn:
"FREE MEAL TO ANYONE LONELY AND SAD."
Lots of people show up.
So I make a big pot of bean soup
or chicken soup each day.
And sprinkle in freshly diced chives.
Funny, though.
I never see any of these lonely or sad
people more than once after they've had
my soup.
It must give them the courage to carry on
and go forward.
I was walking down the street with my dog Zeus.
Suddenly he turned around and bit me.
Only
he didn't really bite me.
Cuz I don't have a dog. I never had a dog.
But something bit me.
Cuz I'm limping around
and have fallen on hard times.
I took everything out of the bird feeder
and cooked it up for porridge.
I'm taking a class at the community college
on Dumpster Diving.
At work my boss tells us inflation
will put him out of business in six months.
At church the pastor passes the plate around
twice.
There is a cold wind blowing
from the Federal Reserve.
It's inflating the tumbleweeds to
the size of elephants.
They roll over me,
leaving broken bones.
Shattered dreams.
Hopeless atrophy.
I have a bag of twigs and bark
that I'll trade you.
For anything.