My Day. Saturday. May 28. 2022. Personal Essay.

 

so I labeled yesterday's missive as May 28th. but it was friday may 27th. just goes to show i can't keep track of the date anymore. why bother? each day blends into the next, like a can of tuna into a glob of mayonnaise. i'm not complaining about it or worrying about it. old age means ignoring the calendar completely for weeks on end. instead i mark time by meals:  yesterday the soba noodles were too salty. in the evening a neighbor gave us a package of frozen bratwurst. so today is the day i decide what to do with them. should i put them in a red sauce for spaghetti? fry 'em up in a sauce pan with a little apple juice and apple cider vinegar for me and amy? or just let them sit in the fridge and amy and i will go out to eat today. yes, yes . . today could be a day to go out and get something to eat. not a burger. yuck. hamburger and i are not on speaking terms right now. but a fish fillet sandwich, with fries on the side? oh . . . that has possibilities.

so you see, that's how i mark each day of my life.

i also mark each day by how many bm's i have, since i now take two heaping tablespoons of metamucil each day -- one in the morning and one in the evening. but that is a subject even i will forbear from discussing further.

So it took a full hour to do the first 1000 word content sausage. that's ten dollars an hour. sweatshop wages. but it keeps me out of mischief.  amy seems to like the fact that i'm working on 'real' writing and not just making up poetry that i never get paid for.  here's what i wrote this morning, by the way:

I do not like to spend my coin

buying shoes or tenderloin.

In fact I hate to part with cash

in case there is another Crash --

I'll wear a barrel soon enough,

cuz Uncle Sam gets all my stuff!

I posted the above in the online Wall Street Journal, since I'm a subscriber, under a story about consumer spending.  A reader named Alex Guinness left me this reply:

well done Here is one I wrote you can have if you want Hobson's Choice, The Newest Colossus AKA The Kraken Like the brazen giant of Nordic fame, With groping hand fondles women's private parts; Here at our white-washed, gold-clad gates shall stand A mighty man with a cellphone, who inflames with a tweet on twitter, and his name Father of Fat-Cats. From his texting small hands Glows world-wide deceit; his squinting eyes demand The land-bridged beltway that frames D.C. "Give us oil-rich lands, that we may pump!" cries he With tweeting fingers. “Give me your rich, your corrupt, yearning to exploit the masses, the obscenely wealthy of your oil rich shores. Send these, the barons untroubled by ethics and morals to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

where do these nuts come from? i guess versifying always brings out the gooniness in people.

and he just left ANOTHER reply. Why does the wall street journal allow this drek to be posted under their comments? (I guess that could be asked about my original verses, couldn't it?) Here it is:

or take this one Ode to the Little Man A man who seeds both shade and shine and fails to see the pain of thine the world burns and he doth churn the worm turns as he yearns for more, he wants to see his pile grow large and strong as he is vile there is no place that he won’t go to stoke the fires of his ego as the bodies pile high he talks about the days gone by better times soon back again If you come with me they will reckon Pernicious pompous puppet pope at the pulpit preaching pulp tweeting yet another trope as the people lose all hope A man so vile and full of hate He will not stop or hesitate To strike u down and steal the crown To enforce his own renown A man whose only thought is greed He will cut and make u bleed Then he plants his fascist seed It grows and festers like a weed Rape and Pillage, Pillage and Rape Until there's nothing left to take Darkest days are just ahead Hide my children under bed Hide from the pied piper led

much later . . . 

amy and i are scrolling through the saturday offerings on tcm. slim pickins. i've got 4 of those 1000 word sausages stuffed and ready for market, with the help of amy, who right this minute is sitting next to me exercising with a can of Hunts pasta sauce, lifting it up and down with her left arm -- she's hoping this will aleviate the carpal tunnel syndrome that is on its way.  the movie she chose for us to watch while we eat a late lunch is the bride walks out, with barbara stanwyck. lunch is fried bratwurst with beans. for me. i'm never sure what amy is eating. right now she is boiling raisins in a pot.

i'm sure many more exciting and interesting things will happen to me during My Day today -- but this thing has gone on long enough. it's getting out of hand. out of control. i'm becoming another marcel proust, whose quotidian novel swann's way turned into seven volumes -- and he was an invalid and VERY boring. i've tried reading it several times.

i'm not sure anyone will ever read all this ragbag anyway. but i offer it up as something to wile away the hours if you should happen to be stranded on a desert isle with wifi.

ever thine,

Heinie Manush.

Personal Essay: My Day. Friday. May 27. 2022

 

 

This is the day we were supposed to get sealed in the temple here in provo, until the damn bedbugs intervened. once the kids found out we had bedbugs they refused to come see us, refused to let us into their homes, and said we should postpone the sealing a few months, until the bedbugs were eradicated, so they would feel free to give us hugs after the sealing ceremony.

we've had the exterminator over twice, and the bugs are still with us. I want to throw out the whole bed, but amy wants to keep it, since our son steven gave it to us. we slip in our recliners now, and it gives us terrific shoulder pains.

so today I was broiling chicken at 5 in the morning to serve for lunch, but the parchment paper it was on caught fire and set off the smoke alarm, which woke up amy who was still asleep in her recliner. we decided not to go back to sleep but to walk to the Rec Center instead. it was a cool morning -- too cool for amy to walk; she got a sweater and we drove there. we took the shallow pool aqua aerobics class -- at least amy did; I was in and out of the class for an hour, going back and forth between the pool and the hot tub. I love the hot tub.

then we camehome and served chicken teriyaki and chilled soba noodles to anyone who came to our door at 11 a.m.  only two people showed up.

now I've dumped a coupla cans of beef stew and kidney beans into a big pot and am warming it up for dinner at 5 p.m. amy is going to make pumpkin biscuits. we'll see how many moochers show up for that free meal.

this afternoon we stopped at home depot cuz amy wanted a new filter for our a.c.  but they didn't have the right size, so she bought a big filter and is cutting it down to size.

we also stopped at the post office for postcards. I sent Biden a postcard today, with one word on it:  cockalorum.  look it up.

Did I mention our tires are bald and we need new brakes on the Kia?

Gonna cost around 500 bucks total.  Phooey.

Luckily, amy and I are processing a lot of content sausage, at 5 dollars per article. it takes us about 15 minutes to produce a 600 word  content sausage, using things like copyscape and quillbot.

I just finished 500 words on The Future of Sports is in the Cloud. Amy will proof it and send it to the client. While she's doing that I'll get a five minute nap in my recliner. I hope to heaven there are no bedbugs in it! the guy was here yesterday spraying everywhere, but today we've found bedbugs on the bed, in the bathroom and on the living room wall. i'm sure there's a few i the carpet. amy is vacuuming as I finish this missive.

That's all for now.

Heinie Manush.

 

Today's Timericks.

 NRA convention begins in wake of school shooting. Delta cutting flights. Snow, severe storms and extreme heat expected this weekend.

 

NRA

Let us meet and shoot some guns.

Then we'll snack on hot cross buns.

 Firearms, our bread and butter;

it's the right of man and nutter.

Patriots we are, and free!

And not subject to scrutiny.

Delta cuts flights.

We're running out of planes, I guess.

The airlines are in deep distress.

We are not flying as we should,

cuz planes are made of balsa wood.

And Disneyland does not appeal

because its prices are surreal. 

Weather

Let's talk about the weather, friend;

it's something we don't comprehend.

It snows in Texas, melts in Juneau;

tornadoes ravage Greenland, you know.

Global warming? Greenhouse gases?

The weather knocks us on our asses.

Today's Timericks: Putin’s Powerful Orthodox Church Ally Helps Cement Russian Support for War (WSJ)

 

In the name of God warfare

is pretty much waged ev'rywhere.

If I were God I'd be confused

at how my name is often used

in killing children innocent

to prove some zealot's discontent. 

I do not care for email;

I'd rather get a letter.

When it comes to internet

I'm never a go-getter.

I like to hold newspapers;

no online stuff for me.

When it comes to digital

I'm all antiquary. 

 

In the morning I am bright;

but an inert lump at night.

All the world's my oyster, as

the sunrise gives me great pizzazz.

But the setting sun will find

I have fallen way behind. 

At night I'm nothing but a grouch

until I'm laid out on my couch.

Narrative Poem: My arms are your legs.

 

It was time to elect a new leader.

The old one had gone to Nugget City,

Nevada.

True, there was only one candidate --

as always.

But I liked his campaign slogan:

"My arms are your legs!"

 So I voted for him, and he won.

 He was voted leader an unprecedented

three times in a row.

Those were good years for us.

The rains came. The cattle fattened.

Corn stalks grew out of people's ears.

Wall Street and Silicon Valley made

everyone rich -- if you were a certain type

of person, that is.

And if you weren't, the government 

gave you food and money.

 "My arms are your legs"

 was the watchword to prosperity

and contentment.

Schools stayed open. Cars ran

on CBD oil. My eczema 

cleared up.

Then a new leader rose up.

And there was civil war.

Because the opposer's 

campaign slogan was:

"My legs are your arms!"

This confused people. 

Inflamed them.

After the civil war was over,

only a few of us remained.

The state of Delaware was 

annexed by Russia.

My electric toothbrush broke.

Everyone stayed home to

watch golf on TV.

There are no more

boba tea shops. 

But the sun still rises

every other day

and babies are still born

with spinach in their mouths.

So hope is still with us.

 

Today's Timericks: Biden Says U.S. Would Intervene Militarily if China Invaded Taiwan (WSJ)

Biden Says U.S. Would Intervene Militarily if China Invaded Taiwan  (WSJ) 

Biden's talking tough again:

If China bothers Taiwan, then

we'll send in soldiers, bombs, and planes,

to give Beijing some growing pains.

And if, by chance, our troops go down,

we'll just invade ol' China Town!

 

 The Stock Market’s Drop Is Hitting Many 401(k)s Harder This Time

(WSJ)

My 401(k) is a mess;

I'll be on welfare soon, I guess.

If it keeps dropping like a stone

I'll have to live on just ozone.

Whoever's managing my fund

don't know the meaning of 'fecund.'

The Average Age of Vehicles on U.S. Roadways Hits a Record 12.2 Years

(WSJ)

My vehicle is old, like me;

the engine's slow and filled with ghee.

The tires are so bald they slide

like I am on a mountainside.

I keep it, not from loyalty,

but because of poverty!

Hello? Hello? Is This Facebook? Anybody There? (Nope.) Users with account problems go to extreme lengths to reach someone, anyone, for customer service; ‘I have never been able to speak to a human’

(WSJ)

I have lost my self control

as I deal with some black hole

on the phone to rectify

product issues gone awry.

How I wish those distant goons

were buried under rabid prunes.

The Baker's Gag at Ringling Brothers.

 I've been asked to regurgitate memories of my first ring gag with Ringling Brothers as a First of May back in 1972. Here goes:

The gag featured Swede Johnson, Dougie Ashton, Marc Anthony, Prince Paul, Lazlo Donnert, and myself.  We were in center ring.

I don't remember how or why I was included in such an august assemblage of zanies, but I felt it was an honor. What I do remember is that it got me out of having to do the Spanish Web number that immediately followed it. All the other clowns had to hold the ropes for the showgirls . . . 

Mark, Lazlo, Prince Paul, and myself were dressed as bakers. Swede was the groom and Dougie dressed in drag as the blushing bride, coming into the ring to pick up their wedding cake, as the band swung into "If I Knew Your Were Coming I'da Baked a Cake."

Mark had rigged up a marvelous stove that shot out flames whenever Swede positioned himself in front of it, roasting his keyster nicely.

After much slapstick business Dougie steals the cake, making a mad dash out of the ring. He trips and takes a header into the cake, which is made of foam rubber and filled with shaving cream. A tsunami of shaving cream from the cake engulfs us all. Blackout.

I have two distinct memories of that gag.

First, during a matinee in Denver I took a fall wrong during the gag and bruised my coccyx. I couldn't get back up and had to be carried out of the ring by Swede and Mark. I spent a week in bed recuperating. Thank goodness we belonged to AGVA back then -- because they paid all the hospital and doctor bills. I've had lower back trouble off and on ever since then.

Second, at the blow off Dougie liked to shove so much shaving cream into my face that my makeup was ruined. I'd have to hurry back to clown alley to wipe it off and put it back on again before the next clown number. I finally got tired of that, so the next time it happened I didn't put my own clown face back on -- I put on Dougie's. He was fit to be tied, and complained to Charlie Baumann, the Performance Director. But Charlie, with half a smile, said there was nothing he could do about it. After that, Dougie was careful to refrain from getting a single soap bubble on my makeup.

Those were days of magic for a young kid like me. Working with men touched by comic madness. How I'd love to strut into that center ring just one more time for a pie in the kisser!

Narrative Poem: The Red Apron Man.

 

The man in the red apron followed

me home from the thrift store.

He came right through my front

door after me.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"I want to be loved and cared for"

he said simply.

His answer moved me intensely.

Because that's all I've ever wanted, too.

"Sit down and I'll feed you" I told him.

I brought him leftover chickpea salad 

and a hunk of buttered Irish soda bread.

Then he lay in front of the fireplace

and went to sleep.

I covered him with an old blanket.

Then sat in my recliner and began to think.

I was soon asleep as well.

When I woke up he was gone.

My silver ashtray was gone.

And the glass candy dish,

with Skittles in it. Gone.

Back at the thrift store they

didn't know where my red apron

man was. 

He lived on the street, they said.

He only worked there part-time,

on weekends. They said his name is

Rudy. But I call him my Red Apron Man.

I know he'll come back. He has to.

He left his red apron in my laundry hamper.

 

Today's Timericks: Skipping Breakfast. Crocs. Maleleuca Oil.

 

You must skip your breakfast meal

if real weight you want to peel.

So my doctor tells me thus.

I'm so hungry I could cuss!

Ham and eggs have gone the way

of Green Stamps and PTA. 

Must you wear a pair of socks

when you're in a pair of Crocs?

Summer's here, and socks are out.

Though I'm labeled as a lout

when at church I wear 'em bare;

I think it is debonair. 

Ev'yone with fervor boils

over some essential oils.

Melaleuca, cloves or myrrh,

they are guaranteed to cure

ev'rything from warts to flu --

welcome to the new voodoo!

 

Today's Timericks: What is ESG and why is Glenn Beck blaming high gas prices on it?

 

the social agenda of some

is making me look like a bum.

tho try as I might,

I lean to the right;

I'm boycotted like green pond scum.

 

 

From out the woodwork, crawling fast,

bill collectors unsurpassed

find so many subprime duds

it delights their grim taste buds.

Are you broke and deep in debt?

They're coming for you with a net.

Parents, don't go out tonight.

You're in for a terrible fright.

Your child, babysat,

by new caveat

will cost you more than chrysolite.

I clock in late and go on break,

the work piles up in stacks.

I take a little nappy-poo

and otherwise am lax.

I'm just a body here at work;

the boss would have to scramble

if she fired me today --

cuz hiring's a gamble!