a couple who had their first child

A couple who had their first child
got the bill, then went quite wild:
"That stork is a thief --
we'll sue for relief!"
as bankruptcy they quickly filed. 

Hibernate like a bear

It would be blissfully great
to sleep like a bear, hibernate!
During their snooze
no health do they lose;
but me, I deteriorate!

The New Good Samaritan

Are you prepared for an emergency? Have you got the essentials to take care of your family when disaster strikes? Everyone should. But Hikingware.com wants to ask another question: Once your own family's needs are met, are you willing to reach out to others during an emergency or crisis? Here's a little think piece about that question, called:

THE NEW GOOD SAMARITAN.

A certain man went down a public road, not long ago, where thieves fell upon him.

He was stripped of everything except a few rags, and left for dead.

Several people saw him as they came by on the same road, but did not stop to investigate.

Finally a Samaritan came by and stopped. He was very concerned at what he saw.

So he acted quickly.

He immediately went to the capital to demand better roadway safety so such things would not happen any more. He led a petition drive that helped to increase the number of police on the roads, and donated a large amount to help fund better road lights. He organized a youth group to cut back the weeds and bushes on the roadsides, to make it impossible for thieves to hide themselves nearby.

For all of this he was recognized and applauded by the government and good people everywhere. His story went viral, and he soon had his own radio talk show -- where he urged everyone to make a difference. He was given a medal, wrote a book, and ran for Congress.

As for the thieves' victim, he was eventually picked up for vagrancy, and taken to a free clinic where he died while waiting to see a doctor.

Coal Miner Layoffs

From the Wall Street Journal:

Murray Energy Corp., the largest privately held coal miner in the U.S., has warned that it may soon undertake one of the biggest layoffs in the sector during this time of low energy prices.

In a notice sent to workers this week, Murray said it could lay off as many as 4,400 employees, or about 80% of its workforce, because of weak coal markets. The company said it anticipates “massive workforce reductions in September.”

Should you meditate digging coal

the end result is just a hole.

And what makes it worse,

the hole's in your purse --

and you'll be tossed out on the dole. 

In Paris the air is crasseux

From the Washington Post:

In an effort to curb pollution that some days makes the city as smoggy as Beijing, Paris began on Friday to ban cars built before 1997 from coming within city limits. Vehicles registered before then — and motorcycles before 1999 — will now face modest, phased-in fines during weekday traffic between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., though they can drive freely into the city on weekends.

In Paris the air is crasseux.

Parisians, they mutter "Par bleu!"

So elderly cars

the city now bars,

making Renault to go fou. 

Cookie Dough

A little girl ate cookie dough.
It gave her an unhealthy glow.
Bacteria has laid her low.
She's gluten-free, six feet below. 

Wally the Whale

From the Los Angeles Times:

Wally the whale was towed into the sea by two Los Angeles County lifeguard boats Friday evening at Dockweiler State Beach, just a day after he washed ashore.

Lifeguards, working with the county’s Department of Beaches and Harbors, decided to tow the carcass far out to sea, where it will be clear of shipping lanes and where currents will keep it away from the beach. Natural decomposition and marine life will do the rest . . .

dead bodies towed into the sea
sounds like a first class remedy
not only for whales
but all other fails.
hey Bernie, do you water ski?

The Fitness Center

A maiden who wanted to shed
some butterfat finally said:
"My fitness club here
serves Cheetos and beer--
but helps me get out of my bed."

A lawyer from Inver Grove Heights

A lawyer from Inver Grove Heights
guaranteed clients their rights
to hourly rates
that only Bill Gates
could pay without holding last rites. 

dreams of a grouchy gourmet

airplane food and hospital food and things warmed up from cans
feeds nothing but the belly tho it's cooked in copper pans.
i used to dream of brunches that would thrill my inner soul;
of dishes fused with saffron, set aflame with liqueurs droll.
cheeses of distinction and fine artisanal bread 
and livers from those geese that only acorns are force-fed.
but since i am a bachelor and don't bring home much loot
my cooking is so basic that it tastes like some old boot.
my meatloaf is pedantic and my pasta falls apart,
and for making my own mayonnaise I haven't any heart.
perhaps someday i'll rob a bank and feast on courtly quail
before they can catch up with me and toss me into jail.
O death where is thy victory, o grave where is thy sting?
it's in the fact I can't tell squab from common chicken wing . . .