There once was a lawyer who sang;
he thought it would give quite a bang
to clients who needed
to be guilty pleaded.
And billed like he was k.d. Lang.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
Bankers and Mortgages
Bankers and mortgages go
together like icebergs and snow.
The rates they supply
are their apple pie,
promoting a one-way cash flow.
together like icebergs and snow.
The rates they supply
are their apple pie,
promoting a one-way cash flow.
When income in households declines
When income in households declines
the voters become porcupines;
they want no smooth talk,
but something to shock
those lazy sedate dollar signs.
the voters become porcupines;
they want no smooth talk,
but something to shock
those lazy sedate dollar signs.
Break Out the Goo Goo Glasses -- A Clown's Vocabulary
When I joined Ringling Brothers Circus in 1971 as a clown I learned a wonderful new lexicon of slapstick jargon.
One of the first terms I acquired was "blow-off". The ending of a clown gag. Was it tight, was it loose, or did it have too much spaghetti? (Too confusing.)
To pull a funny face was to do a "take 'em".
A "track gag" was a traveling piece of whimsy paraded around the entire arena, such as a midget dressed as a baby in a self-propelled perambulator, smoking an outsize cigar.
The accoutrements of clowning included goo goo glasses, the squirt, devil dust, old slop, and cream puffs. The veteran clowns kept most of these items handy during the show, in case there was an unexpected break in the performance; then the clowns would be whistled out to "play the accordion"; that is, stretch out a gag for as long or as short as needed to allow the next act to get into the ring.
When that happened the boss clown would issue crisp commands:
"Break out the goo goo glasses!" (Horn rim spectacles that spit out water to imitate tears.)
"Get yourself a squirt!" (A turkey baster filled with water -- always a handy tool in slapstick improvisation.)
"Pack some devil dust in the chicken!" (This referred to a specially treated flour that could be sprayed over a match flame to create a geyser of fire, but at a relatively low temperature; issuing from the mouth of a rubber chicken, it never failed to send audiences into a panic.)
"Get that old slop whipped up quick!" (Old slop was derived from Old Spice shaving soap bars, which were grated into a barrel of water and then whipped into a fragrant froth used for pie throwing and any other contingency that demanded a sturdy goo.)
"Gimme a dozen cream puffs!" (Black gunpowder squibs wrapped in duct tape; when attached to an electrical wire and then touched to a battery terminal, they made a terrific noise and towering clouds of smoke; their one drawback was that constant use left professional clowns hard of hearing.)
Or our marching orders might be to start a balloon chase. A vendor planted in the audience with a string of balloons would be hectored by the clowns and then his balloons stolen from him -- precipitating a wild chase up and down the aisles and around the track and rings, with one clown handing off the balloons to another clown like Olympic torch bearers until the last luckless clown trips and falls onto the balloons -- exploding them all.
.
To "take a buster" meant any kind of a pratfall. By the end of each season my wrists would be constantly sore and almost twice their regular size from breaking innumerable falls with my hands. And that is how the inimitable Buster Keaton got his stage name; from the amazing scope and versatility of his pratfalls.
There were long shirts and fright wigs and fart whistles -- a medley of words that kept the business of clowning so enchanting to me and so mystifying to the "townies" for over forty years.
Today though,, my hands have lost their cunning from arthritis and my knees are unreliable, so all I can do is sit down with my grand kids, and say, with a Mack Sennett twinkle in my eye: "Did I ever tell you about the skeleton chase?"
One of the first terms I acquired was "blow-off". The ending of a clown gag. Was it tight, was it loose, or did it have too much spaghetti? (Too confusing.)
To pull a funny face was to do a "take 'em".
A "track gag" was a traveling piece of whimsy paraded around the entire arena, such as a midget dressed as a baby in a self-propelled perambulator, smoking an outsize cigar.
The accoutrements of clowning included goo goo glasses, the squirt, devil dust, old slop, and cream puffs. The veteran clowns kept most of these items handy during the show, in case there was an unexpected break in the performance; then the clowns would be whistled out to "play the accordion"; that is, stretch out a gag for as long or as short as needed to allow the next act to get into the ring.
When that happened the boss clown would issue crisp commands:
"Break out the goo goo glasses!" (Horn rim spectacles that spit out water to imitate tears.)
"Get yourself a squirt!" (A turkey baster filled with water -- always a handy tool in slapstick improvisation.)
"Pack some devil dust in the chicken!" (This referred to a specially treated flour that could be sprayed over a match flame to create a geyser of fire, but at a relatively low temperature; issuing from the mouth of a rubber chicken, it never failed to send audiences into a panic.)
"Get that old slop whipped up quick!" (Old slop was derived from Old Spice shaving soap bars, which were grated into a barrel of water and then whipped into a fragrant froth used for pie throwing and any other contingency that demanded a sturdy goo.)
"Gimme a dozen cream puffs!" (Black gunpowder squibs wrapped in duct tape; when attached to an electrical wire and then touched to a battery terminal, they made a terrific noise and towering clouds of smoke; their one drawback was that constant use left professional clowns hard of hearing.)
Or our marching orders might be to start a balloon chase. A vendor planted in the audience with a string of balloons would be hectored by the clowns and then his balloons stolen from him -- precipitating a wild chase up and down the aisles and around the track and rings, with one clown handing off the balloons to another clown like Olympic torch bearers until the last luckless clown trips and falls onto the balloons -- exploding them all.
.
To "take a buster" meant any kind of a pratfall. By the end of each season my wrists would be constantly sore and almost twice their regular size from breaking innumerable falls with my hands. And that is how the inimitable Buster Keaton got his stage name; from the amazing scope and versatility of his pratfalls.
There were long shirts and fright wigs and fart whistles -- a medley of words that kept the business of clowning so enchanting to me and so mystifying to the "townies" for over forty years.
Today though,, my hands have lost their cunning from arthritis and my knees are unreliable, so all I can do is sit down with my grand kids, and say, with a Mack Sennett twinkle in my eye: "Did I ever tell you about the skeleton chase?"
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Fetchin' Gretchen
There once was a journo named Gretchen,
and powerful men found her fetchin'.
Her virtue she guarded
till she was discarded --
or is this a case of truth stretchin'?
and powerful men found her fetchin'.
Her virtue she guarded
till she was discarded --
or is this a case of truth stretchin'?
Gretchen Carlson and Fox
Headline from the Washington Post:
Gretchen Carlson is the latest female journalist to allege harassment at Fox News
Apparently working at Fox,
a lady had best watch her socks.
Those high-powered chiefs
will take off their briefs
and wrestle her down with headlocks.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
a couple who had their first child
A couple who had their first child
got the bill, then went quite wild:
"That stork is a thief --
we'll sue for relief!"
as bankruptcy they quickly filed.
got the bill, then went quite wild:
"That stork is a thief --
we'll sue for relief!"
as bankruptcy they quickly filed.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Hibernate like a bear
It would be blissfully great
to sleep like a bear, hibernate!
During their snooze
no health do they lose;
but me, I deteriorate!
to sleep like a bear, hibernate!
During their snooze
no health do they lose;
but me, I deteriorate!
Sunday, July 3, 2016
The New Good Samaritan
Are you prepared for an emergency? Have you got the essentials to take care of your family when disaster strikes? Everyone should. But Hikingware.com wants to ask another question: Once your own family's needs are met, are you willing to reach out to others during an emergency or crisis? Here's a little think piece about that question, called:
THE NEW GOOD SAMARITAN.
A certain man went down a public road, not long ago, where thieves fell upon him.
He was stripped of everything except a few rags, and left for dead.
Several people saw him as they came by on the same road, but did not stop to investigate.
Finally a Samaritan came by and stopped. He was very concerned at what he saw.
So he acted quickly.
He immediately went to the capital to demand better roadway safety so such things would not happen any more. He led a petition drive that helped to increase the number of police on the roads, and donated a large amount to help fund better road lights. He organized a youth group to cut back the weeds and bushes on the roadsides, to make it impossible for thieves to hide themselves nearby.
For all of this he was recognized and applauded by the government and good people everywhere. His story went viral, and he soon had his own radio talk show -- where he urged everyone to make a difference. He was given a medal, wrote a book, and ran for Congress.
As for the thieves' victim, he was eventually picked up for vagrancy, and taken to a free clinic where he died while waiting to see a doctor.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Coal Miner Layoffs
From the Wall Street Journal:
Murray Energy Corp., the largest privately held coal miner in the U.S., has warned that it may soon undertake one of the biggest layoffs in the sector during this time of low energy prices.
In a notice sent to workers this week, Murray said it could lay off as many as 4,400 employees, or about 80% of its workforce, because of weak coal markets. The company said it anticipates “massive workforce reductions in September.”
Should you meditate digging coal
the end result is just a hole.
And what makes it worse,
the hole's in your purse --
and you'll be tossed out on the dole.
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