To Frack or Not to Frack?

In Texas they do so much fracking
it sets long horn steers teeth a-clacking.
But will it bring oil
or just blow up soil?
The answer to that is still lacking. 

An audiophile in Japan

An audiophile in Japan
had a most ingenious plan;
his speakers he powered
until neighbors cowered -- 
and blew himself straight to Bhutan. 

Democrats Brace for More Leaks From Hackers

from the Wall Street Journal:

WASHINGTON—Two websites created in recent months and whose operators are believed to have ties to the Russian government now serve as portals for leaking sensitive and at times embarrassing information about the Democratic Party and its supporters.

If you are a staunch Democrat

you soon will be hors de combat.

Your emails are hacked

and you will be sacked

for any improper chitchat.  

The Blockbuster

from the Wall Street Journal:

Searching for the next blockbuster hit that could stand out in a saturated, winner-take all media landscape, studios have packed this year’s release calendar with sequels, reboots and superhero adaptations. Most have fallen short of their backers’ big ambitions.

The more cash they put in a flick,

the more it will sink like a brick.

The public now dreads

these rancid retreads,

and pays for Hulu by the click. 

Festinord

There was a young Mormon, a Swede,
who hoped that he soon would succeed
in finding a bride
in Festinord's tide;
for otherwise he could not breed. 

Have you considered the versatile dandelion as part of your emergency preparedness?

Dandelions are the bane of many gardeners’ existence. But if you think this is going to be a column about how to get rid of them; think again. Because dandelions are quite useful. Even in an emergency.

Hikingware.com encourages you to think about having a supply of dandelions on hand in case of a disaster. They are edible . . . and, as dandelion wine, even drinkable! (But always drink in moderation, especially during an emergency!)

In the spring they provide one of the most abundant early sources of pollen for honeybees, ladybugs and many other beneficial insects beginning to lay their eggs. The pollen provides a much needed source of protein to feed new larvae. Honeybees are very happy with acres of early dandelions. And honey from hives or from the wild is an excellent all-around food for children and adults. 

The lowly dandelion has been used as a food and medicinal plant for millennia. The word itself comes from the Greek, then French “dent de lion” or lion’s tooth for its deeply lobed green leaves. Young dandelion leaves can be served in a salad mix while the flower bud can be fried in butter and end up tasting like mushrooms. The dried root makes a reasonable coffee substitute.

There are even culinary dandelion varieties available in a few seed catalogs that can be grown in a vegetable garden, producing larger leaves than those found in your lawn. If you pick the leaves, do it before the plant goes to flower, as they become bitter.

Dandelions can be made into wine and beer. For wine, you will need a quart of fresh, unsprayed, well-washed flowers. Pour a gallon of boiling water over them and let stand for four minutes. Remove the flowers and cool to 90 degrees before adding yeast, sugar and sliced lemons and limes. Place in a fermenter. The wine will be ready in about three weeks. It can be a valuable item of barter for you if regular sources of income are unavailable after a disaster or emergency. But please remember you have to either barter it for something or else give it away. DON'T try to sell it for cash -- that becomes a Federal offense.

Lastly, dandelions have many medicinal uses. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, dandelion plants were boiled by Native Americans and then used to treat a variety of illnesses including kidney disease, swelling, skin problems, heartburn and upset stomach. The Chinese used it in traditional medicine to treat stomach issues, appendicitis and inflammation and lack of milk flow in breasts. Europeans used it to treat fever, boils, eye problems, diabetes, and diarrhea. 

So, if you have an unused patch of poor ground, why not try a dandelion patch? As anyone with a lawn knows, they're nearly impossible to kill and will reseed themselves at the drop of a hat. Or you can pick them in the wild, since they're everywhere. 

The Mattress

Inventing the mattress sure ranks
as blessing for which we give thanks.
A hammock's okay,
but it makes your back pay.
And who wants to sleep on bare planks? 

How to Save Money (after an evening spent rereading Robert Benchley)

With the world's eyes glued on Rio for the Olympics, and everyone asking the question: "Who, or what, is Camoes -- some kind of hand soap?"-- and with the aftermath of Brexit, the Boer War, and Bollywood, and a bull market that is so historic it makes the Hindenburg crashing into an iceberg seem like a walk in the park -- well, all I can say is that this sentence has run on to ridiculous length and had better come to a stop before somebody gets it in the labonza . . .

Which brings us to the subject of how to save money.

For most people, earning money is easy; they get a job, collect a paycheck, and then try to hide it from Uncle Sam by depositing it in a cheap brass spittoon bought on eBay for $1.99, plus shipping and handling.

But saving money, now that is a horse of a different kettle of fish, and no mistake.

As wise old Justin Timberlake once said: "Money doesn't grow on trees unless you prune it with golden shears." Which only goes to prove that Timberlake is about as dumb as a sawdust brisket.

The first thing to do if you are sincere about saving money is to quit reading this article right now and go looking for diamonds in the south of France. You won't find any, but the bouillabaisse is very good and I won't have to write another word, since I'd rather be out trout fishing on the Provo River.

Oh, I see. You wish to continue reading . . .

Fine. Be that way.

The next thing to do when you are determined to save some of your hard-earned mazuma is to open an overseas bank account. Or take up the accordion. Either way people will hate you passionately.

Next you should invest in something you can either eat, yell at, or sleep on when you retire. Because, believe me, by the time you stop working the banks will all be convenience stores and Wall Street will be nothing but an alley where pushcarts hawk second hand cardboard.

Once the above steps are achieved, you will find a sense of peace and purpose descend upon you. This is known as 'Knox's Senile Reflex', and can be treated effectively with syrup of squills or a dose of Carmen Miranda.

Experts agree that you should start saving when in your twenties. But what do they know? The experts also said red wine was good for your heart, but forgot to mention that it makes your liver burp in French.

The question of accumulating Bitcoin has bedeviled savers for quite some time. The best advice, as always, comes from a complete stranger I met on the bus. He said "You can't go far wrong with a barrel of pickles."  How true.

It should be self evident that a penny saved is a penny earned. Put another way, take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves. (Some more Timberlake malarkey, no doubt.)

Put some of your savings in warp coils, video cassettes, and powdered kambucha; they all will increase in value. They have to, since they're worth nothing right now.

And finally, always pay yourself before you pay anyone else. That way, when they repossess your house and car, you can rest easy because in forty more years you'll have your own timeshare dumpster on the beach.
 

The One-Way Wagon

Ted Natus, founder of Hamernick’s Decorating on Rice Street said: “The wagon was tilted so it was going one way.”   

(As reported in the St Paul Pioneer Press by Fred Melo)

The one-way wagon trods a path

that only leads to tears and wrath;

a juggernaut, or Conestoga,

it will not calm at all like yoga.

Please take heed, ye drivers plucky;

one-way wagons are unlucky.

You can drive the ox a bit,

but in the end the fan will hit,

and those you've thought to leave behind

will make you taste the bitter rind

of eating crow with humble pie --

and learning not to think 'banzai'! 

MAD Magazine

I cannot think a better screed
was ever writ for boys to read
than MAD -- that graphic jape sublime,
whose pages parents thought a crime.

A whoopee cushion on the trends
of Eisenhower times, from pens
that ruptured smugness like a bladder --
making music all the madder.

A boy who read its antic pages
knew that clowns were our true sages.
I may be a lousy rhymer,
but MAD was my New England Primer.