Restaurant Review: Tommy's Burgers. Provo, Utah

I first visited Chicago back in 1971 with Ringling Brothers Circus. The train was parked right next to the old Stock Yard pens. The lingering odors of carnage and manure were so stupendous that even the pigeons wore gas masks as they pecked away at the unspeakable detritus.

The two things I recall most vividly about Chicago are that it was where the clowns had their contracts renewed for another season -- or didn't. And eating my first full-blown, messy Chicago Dog.

There was no way of knowing if you were going to be renewed for another season on the road. No one in management ever gave any hint or clue -- mostly because they had no idea either. The contracts were handed out by old man Feld himself, and he never indicated to anyone who would stay and who would be cut loose. Some of the First of Mays swaggered around, trying to buck themselves up with their own pathetic braggadocio:

"Sure I'll get another contract! Didn't you see the way the crowd's been eating up my dishwasher routine? But I'm holdin' out for more money, and if Feld don't cough it up he can go *#@* himself!"

Dougie Ashton, an Australian clown who demanded we refer to him as a comedian and not as a clown, strutted around Clown Alley singing "Chicago, Chicago, that old contract town . . . " He was secure, because he had a five year contract with Feld. The rest of us lowly mortals only had a one year contract.

Me, I didn't much care if I was offered a contract or not. I had just fallen in love, dated, and broken up with one of the showgirls -- all in three weeks; so I didn't give a hang about my career one way or the other. If they wanted me back, fine; if they didn't, fine -- I'd go to Mexico to study pantomime.

As it turned out, I was offered a contract but turned it down anyway. Mexico sounded more interesting.

And then the Chicago Dog. These lovely creations are the only way to properly consume a hot dog. Don't try to palm off your chili dog or kraut dog on me -- nossir, give me a Chicago Dog or give me death. Or a hamburger.

And that, dear and patient reader, brings me to today's restaurant, Tommy's Burgers, at 401 West 100 North. It's a stand alone building, not much bigger than my apartment. And close to my building, too. The old osteoarthritis is acting up today, so I didn't want to have to walk very far.

There's no place to eat inside, so you have to order to go. And it has no drive in window, so you have to go inside and stand around while they fry up your order. For make no mistake, this is strictly a frying operation.

I got a Chicago Dog, an order of onion rings, and a fountain drink. The Dog was all that a Windy City Pup should be: full of spicy, sweet, and sour bric-a-brac. Overflowing with it, actually.

I took it outside to eat on one of their bright red picnic tables. The weather here in Provo continues to hold mild and sunny, and the forecast calls for this pattern to continue well into next week. Seems kinda weird; that, and the Cubs winning the World Series and maybe Trump in the White House -- it all points to some kinda X Files thing going on . . .

The onion rings were crunchy on the outside and melting on the inside. But I got absolutely no flavor from them. And then, I always have the same problem with onion rings; I bite one in half and the whole onion string comes out, falling on my chin and giving me a little burn. Does that happen to anybody else but me, or am I the only buffoon who can't eat onion rings properly?

I give the place Three Burps -- the Dog was superb but the onion rings were disappointing. For the Dog, the rings, and a fountain drink I paid $9.28. This place works as long as the weather holds out; otherwise you have to walk in to place your order and then walk out again to your car. The place was packed when I was there at 1 p.m.

The psychological trick that makes it harder to pay off your credit cards

Too many Americans, it seems, have a broken understanding of what the minimum payment on their credit card means and what purpose it serves.

from the Washington Post

A shopper from Rhode Island said:

"I can't get it through my thick head

if I can pay less

on American Express,

what is there I have to dread?"

Funeral Industry Seeks Ways to Stay Relevant

As more Americans choose cremation—often dispensing with the need for caskets, burial plots and dreary rituals—the funeral industry is reinventing itself. The goal: stay relevant and avoid a plunge in profit.

from the Wall Street Journal

Please bury me in a nice casket;

otherwise I'll blow a gasket.

No fire for me,

cuz eternally

I expect to be Lucifer's mascot . . . 

Morning Prayer of an old Man

AN OLD MAN'S MORNING PRAYER

Excuse me, Lord, my creaky knees

cause me to gasp and then to wheeze;

so if it's all the same to Thee

I'll sit in pious reverie.


I know I've many boons for which

I should give thanks without a hitch;

but it is hard to concentrate

when pills are all that's on my plate.


My feet are dry, my nose runs wet;

but I will try to not forget 

to emulate Thy holy ways,

as I get ready for X-rays.


My memory is not the best,

and I have flunked my driver's test;

but still I want to praise Thy name

for letting me stay in the game.  

Meddling Russians

U.S. intelligence agencies do not see Russia as capable of using cyberespionage to alter the outcome of Tuesday’s presidential election, but they have warned that Moscow may continue meddling after the voting has ended to sow doubts about the legitimacy of the result, U.S. officials said.

from the Washington Post

When meddling goes on too long

and mischief becomes the theme song,

it's time for the Russians

to feel repercussions -- 

we'll stick ballots up their ding-dong. 

Restaurant Review: El Tropical Dominican Food. Provo, Utah.

The first thing I'm asked when I step into El Tropical at 40 North 400 West is "Did you serve a Mission in the Dominican Republic?" I've noticed this many times during my culinary excursions in Provo -- most ethnic proprietors think you must have served a mission in their country; otherwise, why would you be eating their food? The only ones who never ask are the Chinese proprietors -- they just don't give a damn.

The place is rather dim, even though the walls are painted yellow. And the wait staff are all dressed in black. What is it with black? To my way of thinking black is for funerals and ninja assassins. It depresses me to be served by someone in black, because they are either in mourning or I don't dare turn my back on them lest they shove an assegai into my rib cage.

They make their own tamarind juice, so I started with a tall glass of that. Muy sabroso.

In passing, the owner complained that business was down because of the street repair and tree planting taking place right outside his door. He said the city promised him it would only take one month to complete, but it is now four months since they started. He' hoping they'll finish before the snow flies.

I ordered pork mofongo; fried strips of fresh pork with fried mashed plantains on the side:

It was quite toothsome, although the fried plantains are a bit bland and dry. Ask for some of their homemade salsa verde to pour over it for a smooth ride down your esophagi.

I'm giving this place Four Burps. It's a fine place to take a date or a spouse, or the extended family. Their daily luncheon special is $7.00, and includes a huge amount of rice and beans; it's more of a construction worker's lunch than an office worker's.
I paid $16.72 for my tamarindo and the pork mofongo.

Arizona’s Scarred Generation

Arizona is not the best state
to welcome those who immigrate.
The color of skin
determines the spin
of what is to be their own fate. 

The throw away vote

The write-in option may be the last refuge of an alienated but committed electorate — and this year, it’s hotter than ever. Everywhere you look this season, reasonable people are putting intensely philosophical and creative thought into how, exactly, they will throw away their vote for president.

from the Washington Post

The throw away vote is now trending;

citizens think they're defending

their right to the franchise

tho runners are no prize --

Democracy now is pretending. 

Christ my sun will be

"Being ambitious for Christ will seldom mean that we are singled out for public honor."  Kazuhiko Yamashita. 


I must be determined that Christ my sun will be,
to set me in my orbit and to plan my destiny.
Accolades for worship of the Son are rare indeed;
those who grow to love him are called common as a weed.
But recognition in this world is just a flimsy bubble;
O Savior, if you'll smile on me I'll go through any trouble! 

Restaurant Review: Rancherito's Mexican Food

In the early spring of 1984 my wife and children finally succeeded with their "Keep Dad at Home!" campaign. It started a few weeks earlier, when I returned home by bus, minus my wedding ring, which I had hocked for bus fare -- after being red lighted by the Tarzan Zerbini Shrine Circus in the wilds of Arkansas. I vowed to Amy that never again would I go out on the road with a circus. Our marriage was already strained by my long absences and the lack of a steady dependable income. Amy and the kids stormed the very gates of heaven with their earnest requests for help. Heaven heard them, but chose to mock me . . .

Through tears and prayers and the help of Mike Kronforst at Brown Institute (my old Alma Mater) I was offered the position of News Director at KPRM Radio up in Park Rapids, Minnesota. Plus, once the owner,Ed DeLaHunt, heard of my clown background, he offered to double my salary. All I had to do was make a few guest appearances in my clown character every month, touting the station.

All went well for several weeks. I had just located a three-bedroom cottage next to Itasca State Park to rent, where the kids could gambol through the forest, when the fell hand of my cursed karma descended once again. DeLaHunt switched his FM band over to an automated system, then grandly informed me I was his new FM station manager -- along with all my other duties. All that was required, he said, was to follow the manual for setting up time slots for songs and commercials, and the automation would take care of the rest.

I couldn't understand the manual, not even when DeLaHunt sat down with me and went through it step by step. My attempts at programming the automation led to the same song being played repeatedly for several hours, or, even worse, hours of dead silence on the FM side.

I was let go, and to keep the wolf from the door, was soon back out on the road with another mud show, taking pratfalls and selling coloring books during intermission.

So what the hell has this got to do with a review of Rancherito's? Just this. As I go through life I find there are some things I can't learn from any book. One of these, obviously, is how to program an automated radio station. Another is how to make a burrito. Despite hours spent studying recipes on the Internet, whenever I attempt a burrito at home I wind up screaming obscenities at a fry pan full of burnt chorizo and shredded tortillas.

So when I want a burrito I have to go out. Which is what I did today.

 Rancherito's is located across the street from the Provo Deseret Industries building. I took the bus down after my morning aquatics class at the Rec Center, and ordered a breakfast burrito and medium fountain drink. One of Rancherito's strong points is their superb salsa bar, which features  pickled carrots, whole pickled jalapenos, sliced limes, sliced radishes, chopped onions and cilantro, three kinds of salsa, and prickly pear cactus fruit in brine:

You won't see anything like that at Taco Bell, amigo.
The burrito itself is full of thick, chunky bacon, plus lots of fried potatoes and scrambled eggs:

The fact of the matter is I could only manage half of it. I rewrapped the other half and brought it home with me for a late lunch or early dinner. This is extremely greasy, starchy, salty, comfort food. I relished every bite, and felt happy to be alive. That's what a good hearty meal does for me, especially on a frosty morning with the sun glinting off the mountains and a good bowel movement just moments away. In fact, the only fly in the ointment was the Lilliputian size of the Men's Room:

 I could barely get the door shut.
So I'm giving this place a 3 Burp rating. However, don't bring your date or your wife here, guys. It's too seedy and utilitarian. Or if you just have to have a burrito, use the drive-through.
A breakfast burrito and a medium fountain drink set me back $7.40.

Oh, and the next circus I hitched up with after the KPRM debacle . . . they also fired me, for losing a shipment of coloring books. After that I got a job as Ronald McDonald -- but that's a story for another restaurant review . . .