A Letter to my Daughter

Harold Lloyd

Hva er nytt i livet ditt?  That’s Norski for “what’s up, doc?”

I just got back from the Fresh Market store, kitty corner from my building. I went in to get a bagel and cream cheese for my dinner (I had a big helping of lasagne made by Steve’s wife Doris and a big green salad for lunch) but ended up spending over fifty bucks for this-n-that: some cold fried chicken, donut holes, and a can of Western Family Premium Mixed Nuts (no peanuts) for the High Priest’s Group Leadership meeting this coming Sunday afternoon. I’m the secretary and host the meeting at my place, so I always put out a little snack for the brethren -- there’s usually about four of ‘em that show up. Last Sunday they embarrassed me somewhat by taking up a collection and giving me twenty dollars for all the previous snacks I’ve laid out for them. I took the money, but it didn’t sit too well with me -- I like to treat people to a little something when they come over, and I don’t count the pennies. I don’t know where I got that tradition from; my folks certainly never did it. When people came to visit our house they got coffee or whisky mixed with 7-up. and nothing else.

Let’s see, what else did I buy? A gallon of 2 percent milk (doctor’s orders: cut out the whole milk.) Some sliced turkey and ham, and sliced Swiss Cheese, to make sandwiches with (except I forgot to buy any bread -- drat!) 4 packs of ramen noodles, beef flavored, for a dollar. 3 roma tomatoes. A Top Care brand toothbrush for 69 cents. An apple pie to take over to Sarah’s house on Sunday (she invited me over for Sunday dinner.) a case of purified water that was on sale for $2.89. I’ve been buying bottles of kombucha lately, cuz Sarah and Steve love to drink that stuff -- but I passed on it today because it’s so dang expensive. $3.49 a bottle! I love my kids, but not THAT much . . .

Then some cheap Shasta pop and a couple quarts of Gatorade; I get so thirsty at night, cuz I sleep with my mouth open, and I feel like I’m more dehydrated than a sandstorm, so I like to have that stuff to guzzle. I think that’s about it. It’s all still sitting in my little collapsible wire cart, by the front door, so I’d better hustle my bustle and put it all away. I’ll be right back . . .

Okay, I’m back. That was thirsty work, so I cracked open a quart of watermelon strawberry Gatorade and drank about half of it. Tasted mighty good.

Of course, now that I’ve spent all this money that I didn’t budget for, I no longer have enough in the bank to buy more minutes for my Tracfone, which has exactly 7 minutes left on it. Not until my Social Security comes in next week. So I’ve turned the phone off for the weekend. Which isn’t a problem to me. I’m getting way too many calls for help from the old bats that live in this senior citizen apartment building. They want me to come up and move their couches and change their light bulbs, or give me deviled eggs or reach up high for something in the kitchen. Bah, I’m not cut out to be a kindly old gentleman -- I’m meant to be a crabby old fart! I just want to stay in my apartment, taking long naps, reading long books, eating long meals, and watching long movies. That Boy Scout stuff is for the birds. So, my phone is off for the weekend and I hope I can be left alone to sit in a thoughtless stupor. Of course I promised to help clean the chapel tomorrow morning, Saturday, in a moment of weakness. But that was only a case of temporary insanity.

Well, it’s exactly 5:30 p.m., and that bagel on the kitchen counter is looking like it could use a thick coat of cream cheese and then be slid gracefully down my gullet. After that I’ll clean up the dishes, write some haiku, say my prayers, and sink into a comfortable movie. I found a good Harold Lloyd film, Movie Crazy, on Youtube. It’s in mint condition, even though it’s over 70 years old. Lloyd was one of the great silent comedians, like Chaplin and Keaton, but nobody knows about him today. I really love his work -- watching his silent films back in Minneapolis as a teenager at the University of Minnesota Film Society on Friday nights was one of the main inspirations that got me to apply to the Ringling Clown College. I gave Adam a complete collection of Harold Lloyd films on DVD for his birthday when he first got married, but he told me he never watched any of them because Adrienne was bored by them. He gave them away. None of you kids have ever watched a silent movie all the way through, have you? What a pity.

– To bed, To bed,

Says Sleepy-head.

– Tarry a while, Says Slow.

– Put on the pan,

Says Greedy Nan;

– We'll sup before we go!"

Love, the dadster.

From the New York Times. Friday March 16 2018

And the purge at the top may not be over. Mr. Trump, who is
famously fickle, appears to have soured on additional
members of his senior leadership team —
and his frequent mulling about making changes has
some people around him convinced that he could act soon.

I wouldn’t give you a wood nickel

For leaders who start to get fickle.

The more staff thrown out,

The greater the doubt

That those left are not in a pickle.

Although many cities and states are embracing cleaner
sources of electricity and encouraging people to buy
electric vehicles, they are having a harder time getting
Americans to drive less, something that may be just
as important.

When I am inside my own car

I feel like a cocky rockstar;

The lord and mainstay

Of ev’ry highway,

Why wouldn’t I want to drive far?

Mr. Trump and his top trade advisers are readying
a raft of actions to penalize China’s theft of American
intellectual property, including tariffs on at least
$30 billion of annual Chinese imports,
people familiar with the discussions said.

China is like a pickpocket;

No matter how well we do block it,

They manage to swipe

Ideas that are ripe --

And that’s how they built their first rocket.

From the Wall Street Journal. Friday March 16 2018

Late last year, the Internal Revenue Service persuaded a federal judge
to require Coinbase, a San Francisco-based digital-currency wallet
and platform with about 20 million customers, to turn over customer
information. Driving the IRS’s decision was its belief that few bitcoin
investors appear to be paying taxes due on sales. The court order is
one of the agency’s first moves as it clamps down on cryptocurrency
scofflaws.

A bitcoin investor bemoaned

The fact that he soon would be boned

By IRS brutes

In cheap linen suits

And have all his ventures dethroned.

An IRS agent did relish

Making taxpayer’s lives hellish.

With bitcoin investors

He used all his jesters

To constantly taunt and embellish.

For every job opening in America, there’s now

barely more than one unemployed person

available to take it.

A job is a job is a job;

It makes you just one of the mob

That punches the clock

Or tries to sell schlock --

Without any money in Schwab.

More Layoffs in the Newspaper Industry

The news broke Wednesday that the largest newspaper
in Colorado would lose about 30 percent of its newsroom
staff, as downsizing continues at the Denver Post.  
from TheDenverChannel.com

A writer who worked out of Boulder

Suddenly got the cold shoulder;

His job was excised

And he was advised

To sit in the park and just moulder.

Frankly Forgiving

“And it came to pass that I did frankly forgive them all
that they had done”

First Nephi. Chapter Seven. Verse 21.

When freed from grudges and revenge, the world’s a lovely place.

Lighter than a feather blown, to joy we can give chase.

Letting go of spiteful thoughts gives one an appetite

Not only for a hearty meal but helps one sleep at night.

May I forgive as frankly as did Nephi long ago --

That I may rise unto the heights, and quit this dull plateau!

From the Washington Post. Thursday March 15 2018

President Trump boasted in a fundraising speech
Wednesday that he made up information in a meeting
with the leader of a top U.S. ally, saying he insisted to
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that the
United States runs a trade deficit with its neighbor
to the north without knowing whether that was true.

Please don’t say the President fibs;

He’s just good at making adlibs.

In talks with Trudeau

He laid down some snow --

And journalists flip all their lids!

She did not confront her boyfriend. In the past,
he had just denied such accusations. This time
Javier went to the mall and bought a samurai sword.
“I thought, I was gonna stab him while
he was sleeping,” she told police.

A boyfriend who says he is bored

Deserves a long samurai sword.

A poke here and there,

And he’ll start to care --

If not, then just chop off his gourd.

“I do not think I was sexually harassed by Katy Perry
and I am thankful for the judges comments and critiques,”
said Benjamin Glaze, who revealed during the
two-night premiere of the ABC reboot that
he had previously never kissed a girl.
“I was uncomfortable in a sense of how I have
never been kissed before and was not expecting it.”

When is a kiss not a kiss?

When the two parties bliss!

Young virgins beware;

When you’re on the air

Those judges are often remiss.

From the New York Times. Thursday March 15 2018

Centuries ago, Easter Island’s civilization collapsed,
but the statues left behind here are a reminder of how
powerful it must have been. And now, many of the
remains of that civilization may be erased, the
United Nations warns, by the rising sea levels
rapidly eroding Easter Island’s coasts.
by Nicholas Casey

With islands disappearing fast

The world is standing by aghast.

We wring our hands and let tears flow,

Then let the coal and oil fields grow . . .

For most Americans, dogs are no longer relegated
to the doghouse. According to the American Pet
Products Association, an industry trade group,
almost 60 percent of dog owners say they regard
their pet as a child or member of the family. And many
let their dogs snuggle up to sleep right in their human
owners’ beds, often alongside their owners.
by Jen A. Miller

No dog will ever share my bed.

I’d rather I were good and dead.

They carry fleas and scratch and bite.

And that’s no way to spend the night.

Unless a blonde werewolf you be,

My bed belongs to only me.

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration on Thursday
imposed sanctions on a series of Russian organizations
and individuals in retaliation for interference
in the 2016 presidential elections and other
“malicious cyberattacks.” It was the most significant
action taken against Moscow since President Trump
took office.

The Russians don’t like to be told

Their actions are wicked and bold.

They’d rather we think

They just like to drink,

Cuz drunks do not rate a good scold.

From the Wall Street Journal. Thursday March 15 2018.

WASHINGTON—The Trump administration on Thursday issued for the first
time sanctions against Russia for meddling in the 2016 U.S. presidential
elections and for cyberattacks, targeting the Kremlin’s intelligence
agencies and individuals indicted by special counsel Robert Mueller
for their role in election interference.

The Kremlin has found its long nose

No longer smells of the sweet rose.

Its meddling way

Now makes Moscow pay,

And puts the snot back on their clothes.

The eye-roller, Liang Xiangyi, a television reporter for Shanghai-based
Yicai Media Group, emerged as a kind of folk hero for those tired of the
turgid pageantry.

If you want the Pulitzer Prize

Just grimace and roll your blue eyes;

It’ll go viral,

You’ll ski in the Tyrol,

And soon have your own big franchise.

The country needs to spend $655 billion over the next 20 years to upgrade
water and sewer systems, the EPA estimates. Around 240,000 water mains
break a year, contributing to $2.6 billion in lost drinking water, according
to the agency.

When I turn on the kitchen tap

I get some brown and soupy crap.

Yet ev’ry month my water bill

Is ever going way uphill.

I’m living in a Third World state,

But paying at a First World rate!

Japan’s strawberry exports totaled just under

$17 million last year, while South Korean

exports reached $44 million, according to

government figures in each country. South

Korea more than tripled exports between

2000 and 2014, mainly to other Asian nations

where Japan was once the dominant supplier.

Japan ain’t a strawberry place.

But they won’t admit they’ve lost face.

It will not make sake;

It comes out too chalky.

In sushi it’s just a disgrace.

Shares of the Snapchat parent dropped 3.6%

 to close at $17.20 after the singer slammed 

the app for approving an advertisement that 

appeared to joke about domestic violence.

When celebs have got a grudge

They are jury, law, and judge.

There is no appeal at all

When for boycott they do call.

So if I were Snapchat’s heir,

I would find work cutting hair.

A Letter from Tim Holst

In the summer of 1980 I got a brief note in the mail from my good old pal Tim Holst.
We had started out together as clowns on the Ringling Blue Unit back in 1971, and
he had been instrumental in interesting me in the LDS Church, and then baptizing
me into the same. In those simpler days before the advent of email and cell phones,
a letter from a friend was a tangible and much appreciated item -- to be read and reread,
and then put in a shoe box or a cigar box and stuck up in the attic to be forgotten about
until nearly forty years later -- in my case, the note was taped into my journal, and when
the journal was full, it was placed in a foot locker and put out in the garage for the next
30 odd years.

He wrote it on the back of one of the official Ringling Route Cards,
which detailed when and where the Greatest Show on Earth would
be appearing that season. When I received this note I and my wife Amy
were honeymooning in Provo, Utah, where I was going to Brigham Young
University. For the benefit of circus buffs and those interested in the Torkildson
Family Narrative, here is the text of Tim Holst’s letter, verbatim:

Dear Tork,

Jeff (Loseff) & I are rattling around this ‘ole’ show,
disturbed & frustrated ‘cause there have been few lines penned
from Provo. It concerns us . . . . Have you taken marriage too seriously???
Are you dead??? Have you changed friends??? Do we have bad breath??
Are we mere mongrels by comparison to those in the academic world???
Or, does your wife have you tied to household chores or gardening????
Have you been forced to do something against your will??? Like, like, Like . . . .
now let me see. Aw nuts, we just plain miss hearing from you . . . .  
Have you heard of more than one baby Holst?

All the Polish folks have been drunk for three days since the strike ended.

Clown college starts Sept. 15th.

Contracts are coming, and so are the Saturday Blues.

Till you hear from me again,

Your friend,

Tim

(It should be noted that at the time of this letter Tim Holst was the Performance Director
for the Ringling Red Unit, and Jeff Loseff was the Assistant Performance Director for the Red Unit.)

Not a Bestseller?

Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world
I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God
and unto those who are not of the world.

First Nephi. Chapter Six. Verse 5.

No bestseller ever was wrote

That didn’t on sin kinda dote --

Though many will read

About Nephi’s seed --

And of their misfortunes take note.