Saturday, January 28, 2017

Backdoor Jack

Let me take you back nearly half a century to when the only security Ringling Brothers Circus had was Backdoor Jack. It wasn’t as if there were dozens of terrorists wanting to get in to blow up clown alley or kidnap an elephant. No, the problem was that everyone on the show wanted to sneak in their family and friends to watch a performance for free. The show was rather stingy on passing out Annie Oakleys (free tickets). With over 400 people on the show, the number of possible deadheads convinced circus management to station Backdoor Jack at the back entrance of each arena to carefully scrutinize each person coming in, to make sure they were authorized circus personnel.

A roustabout who had fallen from the rigging years ago, Backdoor Jack had a twisted spine and a shuffling gait that made him slow and cranky. At the beginning of each season he was given a list of names. These were the people allowed in. He would sit at his card table and demand our names as we came in. He spent the first few weeks getting names connected to faces, and then threw away the list. He had to do this twice with the clowns, since we not only had our civilian faces, but our clown faces as well. Not overly smart, he was extremely tenacious. And he never left his post, not even to answer nature’s call. He kept a large mason jar underneath his table.

John Ringling North, circus scion and playboy, who sold the show to Irvin Feld in 1968, came to visit what he still regarded as ‘his’ circus in Portland, Maine, and was denied entrance by Backdoor Jack. He wasn’t on the list. I happened to be at the back door that day, stuffing a rubber chicken with Silly String in an experiment that went sadly awry, when the encounter happened. I recognized North from when he had come to our Clown College class to give a lecture on circus history.

“How dare you tell me I can’t go in! I’m John Ringling North, you idiot! Now let me through!”

Backdoor Jack squinted at him, totally unimpressed. He replied in a flat, scratchy voice:

“Can’t go in, mister.” Then he added, rather illogically, “I got my orders, same as you.”

Rhubarb Bob, the assistant Performance Director, was finally called to give North the nod to get in. The intervening years have erased the reason why we called him Rhubarb Bob. In circus slang, ‘rhubarb’  means a fight. But Rhubarb Bob was about as feisty as a dish of melted ice cream.

“I’ll see you are thrown off the lot for this, you dolt!” North hissed at Backdoor Jack. But nothing happened to Backdoor Jack. He continued to sit at his card table, rain or shine, gatekeeping with Kafkaesque brutality. He liked to eat sandwiches made of white bread slathered with bacon grease (supplied to him by the cook on the pie car) and layered with scallions. Originally from Texas, he also enjoyed red creme soda and Moon pies. I tried bribing him once to let my New York girlfriend Alice sneak in the back way, with a sixpack of Barq’s, but he spurned my advances with contempt. He was incorruptible.

But not omniscient.

Clown alley developed a technique for getting girlfriends and family past Backdoor Jack. We’d put our makeup and costume on them outside of the arena, and then they could stroll in as easy as falling off a log. Jack never paid too much attention to the clowns -- there were too many of them, and they were all crazy anyways. A half hour later we would pass by Jack, out of makeup, and he would wave us through without a moment’s hesitation. Then we would hook up with our stowaway, help them get off the makeup and costume, and find them an unoccupied seat out in the arena. They could leave however they wanted after the show; Backdoor Jack didn’t give a hoot who came out the back way, only who came in.

In Montreal an October blizzard raged throughout the day, but Backdoor Jack remained at his post, dressed in a bulging parka that had him looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from “Ghostbusters.”  He made us pull down our own jacket hoods to identify ourselves before he’d let us in out of the frosty elements.

As a roustabout Backdoor Jack enjoyed a curious privilege that even star performers didn’t have. When the season ended and the train was pulled back to Florida for the winter, all performers and other circus personnel were summarily kicked off the train and not allowed back on until rehearsals started several months later. Except for the roustabouts. They were allowed to ride the train back to Winter Quarters in Venice, then live on it rent-free until the season started up again. And they got two dukey boxes a day, along with a small weekly stipend. The reason for this was ostensibly that they were needed for maintenance; cleaning out the train cars and washing the outsides. They also repaired elephant harnesses and rigging, repainted the ring curbs, and bush hogged the Winter Quarter grounds. But that took up just a few hours each day. They got to spend most of their time lazing about, angling for catfish in the canals or going after bigger quarry off the Venice Municipal Pier. Backdoor Jack was a fishing addict, along with Lou Jacobs and Otto Griebling, who both had homes in Venice; the three of them would spend happy hours under the mellow winter sun inveigling bluefish and croakers to take their hooks. The circus caste system and the grudges it inspired disappeared during the off season, so a roustabout could hobnob with his betters in the pursuit of game fish.  


Ikea Beach Chairs Will Eat Your Fingers

Ikea recalls 33K beach chairs after 6 finger amputations

Headline from NJ.com 


When you’re on the sandy beach
Keep your beach chair out of reach.
Don’t relax inside it’s folds;
It hunger for your fingers holds!
But should it clip off any digit
It will make Ikea fidget.
And your lawsuit just might linger
Longer than your detached finger.


The Folding Chair

The folding chair is not a treat
For those who like a comfy seat.
It’s cold and hard and uninviting.
Hold it wrong and it starts biting.
Hosts who offer folding chairs
Ought to pay for back repairs.

Friday, January 27, 2017

The sugar cops of France

From the New York Times:  In 2004, France banned vending machines from schools. In 2011, it limited servings of french fries to once a week in school cafeterias. A year later, it imposed a “soda tax.” On Friday, the government said no restaurants can offer free refills of sodas and other sugary drinks.

There once was a child from Marseilles
who liked to drink soda all day.
The gendarmes arrived
and had him deprived
of life, liberty, and frappe.


The Questions of Jesus

 O all ye that are spared because ye were more righteous than they, will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?

I am spared, not reinstated.
My conversion still in doubt.
Returning, I may miss the mark,
And still be left without.
Have mercy on me, Savior;
No more darkness do I crave.
Thou only hast the power
To free me as Satan’s slave!
I give my heart and soul to thee,
To mold it as Thou will.
O, do not let me see Thee yet

Hung on that wretched hill!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Sugar

Blame sugar for all of our woes,
From cancer to bunions on toes.
Without something sweet
I can’t be upbeat;
I’d rather my tastebuds all froze!


Trump Backs 20% Tax on Imports to Pay for Wall

From the New York Times:  PHILADELPHIA — The White House on Thursday endorsed a 20 percent tax on all imports to the United States, an idea congressional Republicans have proposed as part of a broader overhaul of corporate taxation. Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, told reporters that revenue from the tax would cover the cost of a wall on the United States-Mexico border.


Americans won’t have to pay
To keep Mexicanos at bay.
How pleasant to know
That all of the dough
Will come from a tariff -- ole!

Clowns in the White House

There have been circus clowns in and around the White House for over a hundred years.

(Insert your own joke about White House clowns here -- go on, get it out of your system, so I can continue this piece without any further cackles from the peanut gallery.)

In 1868 the famous clown Dan Rice, upon whom our national icon Uncle Sam was modeled, ran for President. Rice lost, but his fame and fleeting wealth allowed him to hobnob with several presidents before and after the Civil War. Starting with President Harry Truman, Ringling clown Felix Adler entertained children on the White House lawn during the annual Easter Egg Roll. And in 1977 yours truly, along with a dozen other denizens of clown alley, were invited to tour the Jimmy Carter White House when Ringling played Washington DC. To my knowledge Jimmy Carter is the only President ever to invite circus clowns on this kind of a tour. Say what you want about the guy, but I think this showed real heart.

Head promoter Art Ricker told us the news in clown alley. No strings attached; we didn’t have to show up in makeup and costume to cavort for the crowd. The Carter administration, in recognition of our invaluable services over the years at keeping America laughing, invited us to tour the White House.

“Will Jimmy and Rosalynn be there?” I asked.

“Sorry, pal” replied Ricker, blowing a fetid cloud of cigar smoke over our heads. “They got better things to do than show you the crockery and donnicker. You’ll have a private tour guide. Be at the West Gate at 9:30 tomorrow morning.”

“Aw, I don’t want to see ‘em anyway -- when you’ve seen one peanut farmer you’ve seen ‘em all!” said Dougie Ashton, who was Australian and never let anyone forget it.

“Maybe we’ll get some Billy Beer” speculated Swede Johnson. That sealed the deal, and the next morning a goodly segment of clown alley rolled up to the West Gate for a looksee.

I should mention that we had picked up a camp follower a few days before. He showed up in clown alley, a nondescript hominid dressed in frayed brown polyester slacks, a blue polo shirt that was too tight for him, and sneakers on their way to becoming huaraches. His strabismus left you wondering who he was looking at when he talked, and he loved to talk. He claimed to be JoJo the Dog Eared Boy, whose grandfather had been JoJo the Dog Faced Boy -- one of P.T. Barnum’s freak show discoveries. The grandson’s only canine characteristics, as far as I could tell, were his wet dog B.O. and a tangled growth of hair inside his ears. He initially asked if he could sign on as a clown, at which point several of the older clowns picked him up and threw him out while he was still talking. Nothing daunted, he immediately came back in, to universal jeers and requests that this time he be tossed to the killer kangaroo.

“Don’t do that guys, don’t do that” he pleaded. “I can do errands for ya, fetch stuff for ya -- fetch stuff!”

We usually had one of the roustabouts, known as Smiley for his permanently sour scowl, run our errands, but he had evaporated in DC due to an outstanding warrant some insistent deputies wanted to serve him. So we loaded JoJo the Dog Eared Boy with requests for  newspapers, baby oil, bagels with cream cheese, and cigarettes. He collected a few bucks and took off. If he never showed up again, it was no big deal; and if he proved faithful it would take care of Smiley’s absence.

He did return with the desired items, and immediately attached himself to clown alley like a lamprey. Forty five years ago thoughts of security and paranoia had not yet merged into the toxic neurosis we experience today. JoJo was no stranger than most of the inhabitants of clown alley anyways, so why not let him tag along for some laughs and whatever help he could be? An old circus tradition called ‘mousing’ allowed clown alley to designate an official gofer, who then was given a bunk with the roustabouts and two dukey boxes a day. A dukey box contained an apple or banana, two hard boiled eggs, a ham salad or chicken salad sandwich, and a large messy hunk of apple pie. No salary; the mouser had to depend on tips from clown alley for any folding money.   

So JoJo came along with us to the White House, gabbling continuously about how his grandfather, the original JoJo, had once licked William McKinley’s hand. Our tour guide was a perky young thing named Cindy. Chico, Anchor Face, and several other clown alley lotharios immediately began hitting on her. I don’t think she had been forewarned about our unconventional group; she seemed taken aback when Anchor Face offered to wrap her in cotton candy and then lick it off to the tune of Diana Ross’ ‘Love Hangover.’

JoJo had to be restrained from nuzzling her; she appeared ready to scream and dash away when Prince Paul stepped importantly up to her and said: “Ignore these schlemiels, madam. Continue with your ministrations to our historical ignorance. They won’t bother you again.” This last sentence was said with such a ferocious stare at us that we all took an involuntary step backwards. Nobody ever dared to cross Prince; he was a dwarf with a ferocious sense of pride and a deadly shot with anything sharp and heavy within reach.

I must admit I don’t remember very much of that tour. We were shown some rickety chairs and a musty set of curtains or two, along with a bunch of knick knacks that Dolly Madison had imported from Britain. There were dozens of portraits of presidents past. I asked if we could see the haunted Lincoln bedroom I had read about in Reader’s Digest, but Cindy said that wing was closed for renovations.

“Where do they keep Marilyn Monroe’s body frozen?” asked Dougie, just to test Prince out. “I hear it’s under the bowling alley, am I right?” Prince began fingering a small potted fern in a sinister manner, so Ashton hastily backed down. “No worries, mate. I was just foolin’” he said nervously.

 Chico sidled up to me just as we were finishing up, to show me a large glass ashtray he had nicked. It had the Presidential Seal engraved on it.

“This’ll make a great birthday present for Sandy, dontcha think?” he quizzed me conspiratorially.

I blanched in terror at his kleptomaniac effrontery.

“Put that back you idiot!” I hissed at him. “They’ll lock us all up is some dungeon over at the Smithsonian!”

“Don’t be such a maroon” he said, sounding like Bugs Bunny. “It’s just like taking towels from a big hotel; they expect it.”

Sneering at my cowardice, he strolled away with the loot hooked securely under his arm and plainly visible. Again, I can only marvel at the laissez-faire of those long ago days -- the Secret Service didn’t hustle Chico away for a session of waterboarding and he walked out of there with an extremely unique souvenir. The rest of us got cheap plastic pens from Cindy that had stenciled on the barrel “White House Tour 1977.” I bet they don’t even have ashtrays in the White House anymore. Not where you could just pinch one, anyways.



Selling a lie

In Race Against Fake News, Google and Facebook Stroll to the Starting Line  

Headline from the New York Times

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Felony Charges for Journalists Arrested at Inauguration Protests Raise Fears for Press Freedom

From the New York Times:  At least six journalists were charged with felony rioting after they were arrested while covering the violent protests that took place just blocks from President Trump’s inauguration parade in Washington on Friday, according to police reports and court documents.


Reporters who work in DC
In jail find themselves frequently.
Without breaking laws
They’re jugged without cause
As suspects against liberty.