Kishkumen

  Now when those people who were desirous that he should be their governor saw that he was condemned unto death, therefore they were angry, and behold, they sent forth one Kishkumen, even to the judgment-seat of Pahoran, and murdered Pahoran as he sat upon the judgment-seat.

Helamen 1:9

There's always one more Kishkumen available to slay

the leaders of the people as they make their busy way.

The turbulence of office and the envy of great power

plants the seeds of murder that becomes a deadly flower.

Assassins worm their way into the fabric of each nation,

who never lack a patron for their horrid aberration. 

God save us all from bloodshed and the undiscovered knife

in this year of rumor and electioneering strife! 

The Freeloader

Part of their strategy is to let shoppers try out thousands of shading, sparkling, contouring and highlighting products—including Urban Decay eye shadow, Chanel perfumes and Smashbox lipsticks. There are no pushy salespeople. Just bright lights, open containers and plenty of mirrors.

Their self-service stations invite people to test the limits of what’s free—and many do, treating the places as extensions of their own bathrooms.

Biology professor Elizabeth Brooks and her team of researchers at Rowan University examined beauty testers at retailers a decade ago, ranging from high-end department stores to drugstores. The results from the oft-cited study showed that testers from more than 50% of products were contaminated with bacteria.

(from the Wall Street Journal)

When mooching cosmetics, be wary
of catching some nice dysentery.
Bacteria teem
in all the cold cream,
and on the lip gloss microbes tarry.

Sticky Rice

I made myself some sticky rice tonight.

It was a mistake.

The smell and the texture and the taste, it all reminded me of Joom.

And I began to miss her, badly.

I remember her dipping her brown hand into the bamboo basket to roll up a ball for me. Then she hands it to me with a mischievous smile, as if it were booby-trapped. She still can't believe a farang likes the stuff.

There's always a bowl of fermented fish paste on the table, along with raw cucumbers, those long green beans, and Thai eggplant.

That's a complete meal for Joom. She laughs at me when I complain about not having any meat or curry. She eats Isaan; and she means for me to eat that way too.

We bicker good-naturedly, while her dog Nipoo curls herself around Joom's legs, panting and snapping at the mosquitoes.

We always end the night with a walk on the beach, with embraces, with awkward words from me and indistinct murmurs from her.

Then I have to leave the country. I know she needs money but I haven't any to give to her. It embarrasses me, and makes me unreasonably mad at her, so we part as distant friends, not as lovers.

And I go away, and tell myself I'll forget her after a while, and she'll forget me.

And so it happens. Very slowly for me.

Until tonight, when that cursed sticky rice stirs up memories and passions I don't want to live with anymore.

But like a stomach ache or Charley horse, it will soon pass.

All things must pass . . .

That's in the scriptures somewhere, isn't it?

Falling food prices

The U.S. is on track this year to post the longest stretch of falling food prices in more than 50 years, a streak that is cheering U.S. shoppers at the checkout line but putting a financial strain on farmers, grocery stores and restaurants.

(from the Wall Street Journal)

Food is so cheap nowadays

that I can eat hearty always.

The cafes may scream

and farmers vent steam;

at home I eat steak lyonnaise. 

Air Ambulances

While ground ambulances can be regulated, Guy Dansie, emergency medical services program manager for the Utah Department of Health, points out that air ambulances fly right over state jurisdictions — and therefore are subject to little if any oversight, even if the company that operates them is based in Utah. The companies also don't have to share cost information with the public or state regulators, he says.

(from the Salt Lake Tribune)

If down a steep canyon I dive,

don't worry if I will survive.

I'd rather not live

with debt like a shiv 

that's stuck in my back, tho I thrive. 

The Earlobe

An earlobe no purpose does serve;
to life it contributes no verve.
It might be cheering
for hanging an earring;
to me it's a facial hors d'oeuvre. 

I've lost the knack of wonder

A prophet of God once offered me counsel that gives me peace. I was worried that the choices of others might make it impossible for our family to be together forever. He said, “You are worrying about the wrong problem. You just live worthy of the celestial kingdom, and the family arrangements will be more wonderful than you can imagine.”

Henry B. Eyring 

I've lost the knack of wonder in this busy busy world,

and found my hope in better things around the edges curled.

I've got so bound up in the faults of others that I miss

the promise in a sunrise and the evening's gentle kiss.

Left up my head, oh Lord my God; direct my eyes aright,

so I may see horizons that still blaze with beauty bright! 

Observations on Stake Conference

• The longer the meeting the longer my appetite.
• In the Celestial Kingdom, nobody will have to deal with folding chairs.
• The front pews are always reserved for latecomers for their complete embarrassment. 
• The louder the Stake Choir, the louder the Stake.
• No Stake President has ever worn a bow tie.
• Babies are encouraged by their parents to swallow an air horn prior to coming to Conference.
• A third of the congregation has brought their own water bottles; the other two-thirds chew gum.
• During a moment of silence, when the Spirit is trying to break through, a cell phone will ring insistently. 
• The Spanish interpreter is causing feedback from his microphone.
• An announcement will be made that there is a white Toyota in the parking lot with its lights on.
• Nobody ever dreams of having a gigantic potluck after Stake Conference -- except maybe me.

Arrow in Flight

"We launch our children like arrows; let us make sure our aim is straight and true!"  Jeffrey R. Holland.

My children launched like arrows
so many years ago;
today they have their children
to fit upon their bow.

What courses went those arrows?
Did I aim carefully?
Forgive me, Father, if my arm
drew back too faithlessly!

I pray that it is not too late
to guide them on their way
to your choice mansions up above
upon the Judgement Day!

When choosing a place close to God

Fully 83% of Americans who have looked for a new place of worship say the quality of preaching played an important role in their choice of congregation. Nearly as many say it was important to feel welcomed by clergy and lay leaders, and about three-quarters say the style of worship services influenced their decision about which congregation to join. Location also factored prominently in many people’s choice of congregation, with seven-in-ten saying it was an important factor. Smaller numbers cite the quality of children’s programs, having friends or family in the congregation or the availability of volunteering opportunities as key to their decision.
(from the Pew Research Center)

When choosing a place close to God
I think it exceedingly odd
that most want the ease
of sermons that please,
and not the legit iron rod.

Being sentimental about clowns

Being sentimental about clowns is such cliche;
their broken hearts, their painted smiles, their giant feet of clay.
Or else we scare ourselves to death with demon clowns galore;
making them the bogeyman that hides behind each door.
But really all a clown can be is just himself, or her;
trying to get through their life when it speeds to a blur.
The clown may be symbolic of so much to academics,
but it boils down to nothing more than bickering polemics.
 You cannot pin a laugh down like a beetle in a box;
so say not that he was a clown . . . but just ran out of clocks. 

(dedicated to the memory of Pat Cashlin)

An Ounce of Preparation is Worth a Pound of Cure!

According to federal statistics, one in 250 homeowners will be involved in an emergency evacuation within the next five years. It could be weather-related, a wildfire, or a man-made disaster.

Whatever the crisis may be, Hikingware.com recommends you prepare ahead of time for disaster. Waiting until the last minute could be costly in more ways than one!

When the safety of your family and home is compromised by a disaster, planning can make all the difference in the outcome. Here are four things you can do to prepare for an emergency:

1. Talk with your family and develop an evacuation and communication plan. Choose a nearby landmark as a meeting spot in the event you need to leave your home in a hurry. Identify emergency contacts, including an out-of-town emergency contact to call in the event you get separated. Establish a home evacuation plan by identifying escape routes and designate responsibilities to assist with children, seniors, disabled adults and pets.

2. Assemble a basic emergency kit that includes water, food, a radio, flashlights, first-aid supplies and extra batteries. Your disaster kit should contain enough supplies to sustain you and your family for at least 72 hours. Make copies of important papers - such as the deed to your home and proof of insurance - and keep them in a fire-proof container. Utilities such gas, water, electricity and waste treatment may be unavailable for a long duration following a disaster. You can prepare for any service outages by investing in items like water barrels and filters, generators, safes, hand sanitizer and emergency blankets.

3. It's better to be safe than sorry, so be prepared for the worst. Before disaster strikes, decide what threats you are most likely to face and take precautions. Consider your home and your neighborhood, and discuss possible scenarios and responses with your family so that everyone knows how to respond to any type of emergency. If your home is more vulnerable to certain types of disasters, take proactive measures to protect it such as anchoring heavy household objects, purchasing flood insurance or investing in a new roof to protect your home.

4. Keep your cool. Preparing for an emergency will help you remain calm in the event of a real one. Be sure to regularly review disaster plans and practice emergency drills with your family. While it is impossible to predict an emergency, preparation and effective communication planning will help you handle any imminent emergencies best.

Moderation!

Moderation is my motto when I'm at the bar.
I only take a glass or two of something like wood tar.
Then I switch to single malt, but never chug 'em down.
After six or seven I have lost my wish to frown.
Then I'm in that happy zone where moderation cries
for a snappy zinfandel and order of french fries.
The bartender, inspired by my dainty ways (or breath)
now offers me beer chasers (while I'm burping half to death).
To celebrate my great restraint I end the night with gin.
(And when I wake up in a dumpster, wonder where I've been . . . )

In Rio there's so many seats

from the Wall Street Journal:  Olympics spokesman Mario Andrada has blamed the low turnout at events in part on ticketholders getting discouraged by long lines and difficult transportation on the first days of the Games. On the sales front, Brazilians are only recently starting to embrace the Olympics, Andrada said.

In Rio there's so many seats 

as empty as Enron receipts.

The crime and long lines,

and lack of fine wines,

keeps people at home for the heats.

On Lake Mille Lacs

The Governor speaks with forked tongue;
Mille Lacs out to dry has been hung.
The ogaa need peace
so they can increase,
not tourists with fishing line strung! 

The Driverless Car

from the Wall Street Journal:

Ford Motor Co. plans to release a fully driverless car without a steering wheel or pedals in the next five years, the latest salvo in a technological arms race engulfing the global auto industry.

The way that most people now drive,

a 'driverless' car cannot thrive

or make a big mark

unless it can park

parallel with all alive. 

To Frack or Not to Frack?

In Texas they do so much fracking
it sets long horn steers teeth a-clacking.
But will it bring oil
or just blow up soil?
The answer to that is still lacking. 

An audiophile in Japan

An audiophile in Japan
had a most ingenious plan;
his speakers he powered
until neighbors cowered -- 
and blew himself straight to Bhutan. 

Democrats Brace for More Leaks From Hackers

from the Wall Street Journal:

WASHINGTON—Two websites created in recent months and whose operators are believed to have ties to the Russian government now serve as portals for leaking sensitive and at times embarrassing information about the Democratic Party and its supporters.

If you are a staunch Democrat

you soon will be hors de combat.

Your emails are hacked

and you will be sacked

for any improper chitchat.  

The Blockbuster

from the Wall Street Journal:

Searching for the next blockbuster hit that could stand out in a saturated, winner-take all media landscape, studios have packed this year’s release calendar with sequels, reboots and superhero adaptations. Most have fallen short of their backers’ big ambitions.

The more cash they put in a flick,

the more it will sink like a brick.

The public now dreads

these rancid retreads,

and pays for Hulu by the click. 

Festinord

There was a young Mormon, a Swede,
who hoped that he soon would succeed
in finding a bride
in Festinord's tide;
for otherwise he could not breed. 

Have you considered the versatile dandelion as part of your emergency preparedness?

Dandelions are the bane of many gardeners’ existence. But if you think this is going to be a column about how to get rid of them; think again. Because dandelions are quite useful. Even in an emergency.

Hikingware.com encourages you to think about having a supply of dandelions on hand in case of a disaster. They are edible . . . and, as dandelion wine, even drinkable! (But always drink in moderation, especially during an emergency!)

In the spring they provide one of the most abundant early sources of pollen for honeybees, ladybugs and many other beneficial insects beginning to lay their eggs. The pollen provides a much needed source of protein to feed new larvae. Honeybees are very happy with acres of early dandelions. And honey from hives or from the wild is an excellent all-around food for children and adults. 

The lowly dandelion has been used as a food and medicinal plant for millennia. The word itself comes from the Greek, then French “dent de lion” or lion’s tooth for its deeply lobed green leaves. Young dandelion leaves can be served in a salad mix while the flower bud can be fried in butter and end up tasting like mushrooms. The dried root makes a reasonable coffee substitute.

There are even culinary dandelion varieties available in a few seed catalogs that can be grown in a vegetable garden, producing larger leaves than those found in your lawn. If you pick the leaves, do it before the plant goes to flower, as they become bitter.

Dandelions can be made into wine and beer. For wine, you will need a quart of fresh, unsprayed, well-washed flowers. Pour a gallon of boiling water over them and let stand for four minutes. Remove the flowers and cool to 90 degrees before adding yeast, sugar and sliced lemons and limes. Place in a fermenter. The wine will be ready in about three weeks. It can be a valuable item of barter for you if regular sources of income are unavailable after a disaster or emergency. But please remember you have to either barter it for something or else give it away. DON'T try to sell it for cash -- that becomes a Federal offense.

Lastly, dandelions have many medicinal uses. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, dandelion plants were boiled by Native Americans and then used to treat a variety of illnesses including kidney disease, swelling, skin problems, heartburn and upset stomach. The Chinese used it in traditional medicine to treat stomach issues, appendicitis and inflammation and lack of milk flow in breasts. Europeans used it to treat fever, boils, eye problems, diabetes, and diarrhea. 

So, if you have an unused patch of poor ground, why not try a dandelion patch? As anyone with a lawn knows, they're nearly impossible to kill and will reseed themselves at the drop of a hat. Or you can pick them in the wild, since they're everywhere. 

The Mattress

Inventing the mattress sure ranks
as blessing for which we give thanks.
A hammock's okay,
but it makes your back pay.
And who wants to sleep on bare planks? 

How to Save Money (after an evening spent rereading Robert Benchley)

With the world's eyes glued on Rio for the Olympics, and everyone asking the question: "Who, or what, is Camoes -- some kind of hand soap?"-- and with the aftermath of Brexit, the Boer War, and Bollywood, and a bull market that is so historic it makes the Hindenburg crashing into an iceberg seem like a walk in the park -- well, all I can say is that this sentence has run on to ridiculous length and had better come to a stop before somebody gets it in the labonza . . .

Which brings us to the subject of how to save money.

For most people, earning money is easy; they get a job, collect a paycheck, and then try to hide it from Uncle Sam by depositing it in a cheap brass spittoon bought on eBay for $1.99, plus shipping and handling.

But saving money, now that is a horse of a different kettle of fish, and no mistake.

As wise old Justin Timberlake once said: "Money doesn't grow on trees unless you prune it with golden shears." Which only goes to prove that Timberlake is about as dumb as a sawdust brisket.

The first thing to do if you are sincere about saving money is to quit reading this article right now and go looking for diamonds in the south of France. You won't find any, but the bouillabaisse is very good and I won't have to write another word, since I'd rather be out trout fishing on the Provo River.

Oh, I see. You wish to continue reading . . .

Fine. Be that way.

The next thing to do when you are determined to save some of your hard-earned mazuma is to open an overseas bank account. Or take up the accordion. Either way people will hate you passionately.

Next you should invest in something you can either eat, yell at, or sleep on when you retire. Because, believe me, by the time you stop working the banks will all be convenience stores and Wall Street will be nothing but an alley where pushcarts hawk second hand cardboard.

Once the above steps are achieved, you will find a sense of peace and purpose descend upon you. This is known as 'Knox's Senile Reflex', and can be treated effectively with syrup of squills or a dose of Carmen Miranda.

Experts agree that you should start saving when in your twenties. But what do they know? The experts also said red wine was good for your heart, but forgot to mention that it makes your liver burp in French.

The question of accumulating Bitcoin has bedeviled savers for quite some time. The best advice, as always, comes from a complete stranger I met on the bus. He said "You can't go far wrong with a barrel of pickles."  How true.

It should be self evident that a penny saved is a penny earned. Put another way, take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves. (Some more Timberlake malarkey, no doubt.)

Put some of your savings in warp coils, video cassettes, and powdered kambucha; they all will increase in value. They have to, since they're worth nothing right now.

And finally, always pay yourself before you pay anyone else. That way, when they repossess your house and car, you can rest easy because in forty more years you'll have your own timeshare dumpster on the beach.
 

The One-Way Wagon

Ted Natus, founder of Hamernick’s Decorating on Rice Street said: “The wagon was tilted so it was going one way.”   

(As reported in the St Paul Pioneer Press by Fred Melo)

The one-way wagon trods a path

that only leads to tears and wrath;

a juggernaut, or Conestoga,

it will not calm at all like yoga.

Please take heed, ye drivers plucky;

one-way wagons are unlucky.

You can drive the ox a bit,

but in the end the fan will hit,

and those you've thought to leave behind

will make you taste the bitter rind

of eating crow with humble pie --

and learning not to think 'banzai'! 

MAD Magazine

I cannot think a better screed
was ever writ for boys to read
than MAD -- that graphic jape sublime,
whose pages parents thought a crime.

A whoopee cushion on the trends
of Eisenhower times, from pens
that ruptured smugness like a bladder --
making music all the madder.

A boy who read its antic pages
knew that clowns were our true sages.
I may be a lousy rhymer,
but MAD was my New England Primer.

An Indian from Bangalore

An Indian from Bangalore
exclaimed in a rage "What a bore!"
"To simplify taxes
will take many axes
before we can even the score!"