The Nain Rouge

What's red and black and scaly, with a laugh just like a horse?
In Detroit environs it's the darn Nain Rouge, of course!
This imp of French extraction is sure blamed for all the woes
that came upon the city while it was in its death throes.
Me, I think that there are more than one Nain Rouge around;
they function in the White House and they cover lots of ground.
There's one that pays my taxes and has never got it right.
Another causes gridlock and delays my airplane flight.
The Senate -- THERE'S a hot spot for the Nain Rouge, yessiree.
They've got more of them there than there are leaves upon a tree!
To placate these red devils you must offer them some graft;
so really, what's the diff'rence between Congress and witchcraft?

The Mighty Aaron Eagar

On the twenty-second day of March good Aaron Eagar

earned a letter from the Governor (and so a free star).

The Utah County Weed Department was recognized, through him,

for pursuing noxious weeds with vigor, stealth, and vim.

 His dedication to eradication of these weeds

has him raising them in Orem from their common seeds

just so he can figure out what poisons will work best

to lay those dandelions to their final deserved rest.

He is a foe to pigweed and to hoary cress, you bet!

Spotted spurge he decimates; he gives henbit cold sweat.

The mighty Aaron Eagar simply laughs at downy brome.

He uproots ev'ry puncturevine, right by the rhizome!

All you thistles, mallows, and sharp nettles please take heed --

you'll be endangered species now, in word and very deed!  

My door towards the temple

Mosiah 2:6 -- "And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple . . . "

My door towards the Temple, my face towards the light;
my spirit is climbing up from the dark night!
My compass, O Lord, help me keep to True North,
to the House of the Bridegroom that joy may come forth!
Cathedrals and stupas, though dazzling grand,
are only the work of man's unsteady hand.
Thy dwelling place no mortal fist may decree,
until it is sanctified wholly by Thee!  
   

Hiking

Hit the road, my parents said, when I was but a lad,
now that you've an appetite and are a high school grad.
And so I trudged down paths and trails to see what I could see;
and found myself with bunions, boils, and socks that smelled like brie.
I vowed that when my ship came in I'd never hike again --
but loll upon a davenport just like a broody hen.
My vessel must have sunk somewhere just off the coast, alas,
since I kept marching onward but all wealth did me bypass. 
I've hiked the Appalachian Trial a dozen times so far,
following a will-o-wisp I thought my rising star.
 My nickname is Bad Karma; it's because when I return
the only thing that I bring back is sizzling sunburn . . . 

Name Dropping in Clown Alley

Working as a circus clown for Ringling Brothers back in the 1970’s, I came in contact with a number of celebrities who visited the show – usually pushed, prodded and/or bribed into coming by the show’s nimble publicity agents. Even though I think most trips down Memory Lane are train wrecks, here is a partial list of the luminaries I met while performing with The Greatest Show on Earth.

• Tony Bennett. The great crooner and his wife came to see the show at Madison Square Garden in New York City. When clown alley heard he was in the audience, we immediately set to work cutting out a gigantic foam rubber heart, which we hurriedly painted a lurid red. During intermission all 26 of us trooped up to Mr. Bennett’s seat to tell him we were returning the heart he had lost in San Francisco. He took the joke well, and one of the clowns approached his wife to say “I understand you’re from my hometown in Ohio – Zanesville!” She looked at him coolly for a minute before replying “That was his last wife.” The publicity staff quickly shooed us all back to our steamer trunks.
• Larry Fine. The beloved “porcupine” of the Three Stooges came to see the show in Los Angeles. He was in a wheelchair, hooked up to a portable oxygen tank. After the show he insisted on coming backstage to shake hands with every single clown. For a young man like me, who was desperately trying to master the art of slapstick, it was like shaking hands with Jehovah.
• Cary Grant. Also in Los Angeles. I was hurrying out a side door to make my entrance for a clown gag and ran into a well-built older man in a black suit. I don’t wear my glasses when performing, so I did not see this road block very clearly. Irritated, I asked him to please move, and he replied politely “Certainly. I’m sorry to be in the way.” There was no mistaking that voice; I turned at once and gazed myopically into the face that launched a thousand heart throbs. “You’re Cary Grant!” I sputtered in complete awe. “Sometimes; when I feel like it” he replied with a real Hollywood twinkle in his eye.
• Art Linkletter. The genial television host was in a bad mood when he was told the evening performance had been delayed by fifteen minutes due to some issues with the Siberian tigers not getting their horse meat on time. He was the guest ringmaster. In the circus, the animals are always fed and watered before any human being – but Linkletter did not grasp that concept. I was standing next to him, so I heard him muttering, apparently NOT in jest, “This is no way to run a circus.”
• Richard J. Daley, perennial Mayor of Chicago. Daly and his Democratic party cohorts bought out the show one evening, and then threw open the doors and let the people of Chicago in for free. He took the microphone away from Harold Ronk, the ringmaster, and hosted the proceedings himself, often stopping the show for a brief political harangue. Being mildly liberal back then, I did not take kindly to his politics, or his raucous personality. When he asked all the clowns to come up and sit in the box seats with him, I quickly rearranged my makeup – putting on a Hitler mustache and combing my hair down in the style of the German dictator. I then goose stepped up to Hizzoner and gave the Nazi salute. He simply shook hands, uttering in his guttural style, “Nice ta meetcha!” and took no more notice of me. After the show, which lasted into the wee hours of the morning, I caught holy Hannah from the performance director, himself a German.

Gimme that ol’ time religion — or not

What do people want in their religion nowadays?
What will keep them coming back to church with eyes ablaze?
Is there any way a pastor can beguile his flock
so away from worship they don't inattentive walk?

Ditch the Ten Commandments, first -- they're very inconvenient.
People want a God of love, one who's very lenient.
Serve the sacramental wine in barrels to the crowd,
til they've raised their voices in a worship hymn quite loud.

Follow all the latest news and fads and trends, to copy;
sticking to the strait and narrow is considered soppy.
Do not mention Hell or any punishment divine;
that will only make the little children want to whine.


Make Deity as mundane as a corndog on a stick;
no more mighty miracles or healing of the sick.
Once you've turned religion into nothing but a sop
the stampede to your church will surely need a traffic cop!  

Blurry Lines: Disability vs. Ability

(Inspired by a story from Karen Feld.)

Each one of us is handicapped by things we cannot change;
it might be anything from mental illness to the mange.
As such it well behooves us to engage the Golden Rule
and never call another rogue or cripple or a fool.
If Donald Trump thinks he's immune from all the slings and arrows
of mortal life he ought to be embalmed with all the pharaohs.
He'll find that calling names wins nothing but the world's contempt,
plus heightened caution for what lurks beneath that hair unkempt

What did they learn from me?

Mosiah 1:8 -- "And many more things did king Benjamin teach his sons, which are not written in this book."

I did not teach my sons to breath, or grow their nails and hair;
I did not teach them how to walk or sit upon a chair.
I wonder now just what they learned from me who's not a king;
who knows so very little to which children ought to cling.
Perhaps when all is sorted out, illusions sacrificed,
 they might all remember that I do believe in Christ. 

Coulrophobia: Fear of Clowns (?)

I grew up in the 1950’s, when the great clowns were still alive and stirring in the American psyche; Chaplin gave use his movie tribute to clowns, Limelight; Buster Keaton was still actively pratfalling on live television; the Three Stooges were still cranking out their slapstick sonatas; and professional circus clowns were hilariously abundant, whether at Ringling Brothers or with the many Shrine circuses that crisscrossed the land. As a child I reveled in their unprincipled and undignified shenanigans, and, by a series of fortuitous events, I actually grew up to become a clown with Ringling Brothers Circus, attending their prestigious (if that’s the right word for it!) Clown College in Venice, Florida, in 1971. 
In my professional career as a clown I would occasionally run across a child who was initially frightened by my grotesque makeup and costume, and I learned to approach such children very carefully and respectfully, telling them in a reassuring voice that it was okay to be shy, and asking their permission to come closer to shake their hand. In most cases, after a few minutes of this strategy, the child would allow me to make contact, and I felt proud to have made a new friend for the art of clowning.
After many years in the business I changed careers, leaving my red nose and baggy pants behind. I had been a respected member of a great fraternity of buffoons, and remembered fondly all the laughter and affection I had received from audiences all over the world. 
Imagine my surprise and chagrin, then, when, just a few years ago, I briefly went back to my old trade – only to discover that nearly HALF of the people I interacted with said they were afraid of clowns, and wanted nothing to do with me!
What in the world had happened to change people’s minds, I wondered. I’m still not sure I have a complete answer to that vexing question. But I can make some reasonable surmises.
First of all, I blame the rise in amateur clown organizations across the country. Many circuses today have cut corners by not hiring professional clowns, but instead contacting local clown clubs to provide the comedy. These amateur clowns often have terrible makeups and no training in physical comedy; when they approach the audience for some fun it’s no wonder the children, and maybe the adults, feel threatened, rather than amused! I myself can recall as a child the amateur clowns that infested a local Fourth of July picnic I went to; how they tickled me until I wet myself. Many of them reeked of whisky. No child should ever be subjected to that kind of abusive clowning.
Secondly, I blame the author Stephen King’s book It. The book was published in 1986, and later made into a blockbuster horror film. The book introduces the character of Pennywise the Clown, a shape-shifting monster that preys on children. It is not a pleasant read, nor is it a pleasant movie to watch. 
Since then there have been other “monster” clowns; in fact, if you Google “clown” under ‘images’ you will get mostly gruesome fiends in whiteface, not the funny fellows we all used to chuckle at. One of the most popular costumes this coming Halloween, as it has been for the past fifteen years, is the monster clown outfit, complete with fanged mask and blood-soaked ruffles. 
So, in a broader sense, I guess I’d better blame Hollywood and the whole entertainment industry for promoting and marketing scary clowns for profit. Mere laughter is not enough – now our clowns have to be dangerous as well! I do not think this bodes well for American society. 
In Europe, Africa and Asia the clown is still a traditional figure of fun – allowed license to satirize the foibles and failings of kings and rulers, and of peasants and plebeians. He, or she, is a gentle creature, full of music and whimsy, and children flock to circuses and shows featuring clowns, with complete trust and delight. The way children used to here in the United States.
But America has grown so cynical and sophisticated that we see nothing wrong with taking the innocent zany that gave us so much laughter and pleasure over the years and turning him into an icon of horror, like Dracula or Frankenstein’s Monster. 
A pie in the face to all such demonizers of a great American comedy tradition! 

False Christs

Words of Mormon 1:  "And it came to pass that after there had been false Christs, and their mouths had been shut, and they punished according to their crimes . . ."

Not ev'ryone that says Lord Lord, that claims Messiah-ship
is legally anointed or is actually blue chip. 
Hallowed visage and sweet words, or stern denunciation,
do not guarantee someone is of a godly station.
The devil joys to counterfeit an angel of the light,
to lead astray the faith of men into a grubby night.
 The Lord above knows all his sheep, keeps his flock defended
so ev'ry preying faker is finally up-ended. 
Trod a humble path, my friend, let destiny unfold
not as you desire it, but as from God you're told.
If you are called to do great things, make your election sure
by staying in the shadow of your Savior clean and pure.