Observations on Stake Conference

• The longer the meeting the longer my appetite.
• In the Celestial Kingdom, nobody will have to deal with folding chairs.
• The front pews are always reserved for latecomers for their complete embarrassment. 
• The louder the Stake Choir, the louder the Stake.
• No Stake President has ever worn a bow tie.
• Babies are encouraged by their parents to swallow an air horn prior to coming to Conference.
• A third of the congregation has brought their own water bottles; the other two-thirds chew gum.
• During a moment of silence, when the Spirit is trying to break through, a cell phone will ring insistently. 
• The Spanish interpreter is causing feedback from his microphone.
• An announcement will be made that there is a white Toyota in the parking lot with its lights on.
• Nobody ever dreams of having a gigantic potluck after Stake Conference -- except maybe me.

Arrow in Flight

"We launch our children like arrows; let us make sure our aim is straight and true!"  Jeffrey R. Holland.

My children launched like arrows
so many years ago;
today they have their children
to fit upon their bow.

What courses went those arrows?
Did I aim carefully?
Forgive me, Father, if my arm
drew back too faithlessly!

I pray that it is not too late
to guide them on their way
to your choice mansions up above
upon the Judgement Day!

When choosing a place close to God

Fully 83% of Americans who have looked for a new place of worship say the quality of preaching played an important role in their choice of congregation. Nearly as many say it was important to feel welcomed by clergy and lay leaders, and about three-quarters say the style of worship services influenced their decision about which congregation to join. Location also factored prominently in many people’s choice of congregation, with seven-in-ten saying it was an important factor. Smaller numbers cite the quality of children’s programs, having friends or family in the congregation or the availability of volunteering opportunities as key to their decision.
(from the Pew Research Center)

When choosing a place close to God
I think it exceedingly odd
that most want the ease
of sermons that please,
and not the legit iron rod.

Being sentimental about clowns

Being sentimental about clowns is such cliche;
their broken hearts, their painted smiles, their giant feet of clay.
Or else we scare ourselves to death with demon clowns galore;
making them the bogeyman that hides behind each door.
But really all a clown can be is just himself, or her;
trying to get through their life when it speeds to a blur.
The clown may be symbolic of so much to academics,
but it boils down to nothing more than bickering polemics.
 You cannot pin a laugh down like a beetle in a box;
so say not that he was a clown . . . but just ran out of clocks. 

(dedicated to the memory of Pat Cashlin)

An Ounce of Preparation is Worth a Pound of Cure!

According to federal statistics, one in 250 homeowners will be involved in an emergency evacuation within the next five years. It could be weather-related, a wildfire, or a man-made disaster.

Whatever the crisis may be, Hikingware.com recommends you prepare ahead of time for disaster. Waiting until the last minute could be costly in more ways than one!

When the safety of your family and home is compromised by a disaster, planning can make all the difference in the outcome. Here are four things you can do to prepare for an emergency:

1. Talk with your family and develop an evacuation and communication plan. Choose a nearby landmark as a meeting spot in the event you need to leave your home in a hurry. Identify emergency contacts, including an out-of-town emergency contact to call in the event you get separated. Establish a home evacuation plan by identifying escape routes and designate responsibilities to assist with children, seniors, disabled adults and pets.

2. Assemble a basic emergency kit that includes water, food, a radio, flashlights, first-aid supplies and extra batteries. Your disaster kit should contain enough supplies to sustain you and your family for at least 72 hours. Make copies of important papers - such as the deed to your home and proof of insurance - and keep them in a fire-proof container. Utilities such gas, water, electricity and waste treatment may be unavailable for a long duration following a disaster. You can prepare for any service outages by investing in items like water barrels and filters, generators, safes, hand sanitizer and emergency blankets.

3. It's better to be safe than sorry, so be prepared for the worst. Before disaster strikes, decide what threats you are most likely to face and take precautions. Consider your home and your neighborhood, and discuss possible scenarios and responses with your family so that everyone knows how to respond to any type of emergency. If your home is more vulnerable to certain types of disasters, take proactive measures to protect it such as anchoring heavy household objects, purchasing flood insurance or investing in a new roof to protect your home.

4. Keep your cool. Preparing for an emergency will help you remain calm in the event of a real one. Be sure to regularly review disaster plans and practice emergency drills with your family. While it is impossible to predict an emergency, preparation and effective communication planning will help you handle any imminent emergencies best.

Moderation!

Moderation is my motto when I'm at the bar.
I only take a glass or two of something like wood tar.
Then I switch to single malt, but never chug 'em down.
After six or seven I have lost my wish to frown.
Then I'm in that happy zone where moderation cries
for a snappy zinfandel and order of french fries.
The bartender, inspired by my dainty ways (or breath)
now offers me beer chasers (while I'm burping half to death).
To celebrate my great restraint I end the night with gin.
(And when I wake up in a dumpster, wonder where I've been . . . )

In Rio there's so many seats

from the Wall Street Journal:  Olympics spokesman Mario Andrada has blamed the low turnout at events in part on ticketholders getting discouraged by long lines and difficult transportation on the first days of the Games. On the sales front, Brazilians are only recently starting to embrace the Olympics, Andrada said.

In Rio there's so many seats 

as empty as Enron receipts.

The crime and long lines,

and lack of fine wines,

keeps people at home for the heats.

On Lake Mille Lacs

The Governor speaks with forked tongue;
Mille Lacs out to dry has been hung.
The ogaa need peace
so they can increase,
not tourists with fishing line strung! 

The Driverless Car

from the Wall Street Journal:

Ford Motor Co. plans to release a fully driverless car without a steering wheel or pedals in the next five years, the latest salvo in a technological arms race engulfing the global auto industry.

The way that most people now drive,

a 'driverless' car cannot thrive

or make a big mark

unless it can park

parallel with all alive. 

To Frack or Not to Frack?

In Texas they do so much fracking
it sets long horn steers teeth a-clacking.
But will it bring oil
or just blow up soil?
The answer to that is still lacking.