Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Wednesday. July 12. 2017

NOTED POET REVEALS THAT MODERN POETRY IS HARD TO READ, IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND!

There was a young poet sublime

Who wrote cryptic verse all the time.

It was so unclear

That he did appear

To relish the death of good rhyme.

AMERICA REMOVES 'WELCOME' MAT AS TRUMP'S TRAVEL BAN REGAINS MOMENTUM

A refugee straight from Sudan

Was told “You can’t enter here, man!”

His travel plans foiled,

He went back and toiled

For slave wages and toasted bran.

GIGANTIC ICEBERG LEAVES ANTARCTICA, AWAITING TRYOUTS FOR 'TITANIC 2'

An iceberg is water congealed,

Keeping its mass well concealed.

When ships come in sight

It might take a bit --

A rigid and frosty minefield!

DID A JAPANESE WIDOW USE POISON ON HER LAST 3 HUSBANDS? JURY FINDS IT HARD TO SWALLOW

You do not get old in Japan --

If you’re a wealthy old man.

Your nurturing bride

Will use cyanide

To ease you out of your lifespan

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Photo Essay: Noah and Katrina

These are Noah and Katrina, my son Adam's kids. He and his wife Adrienne will not be having any more children. It's their decision, and it's my loss.

I asked them to hold hands; this is what they did

At the Provo Bakery, getting a box of donuts. I had half an apple fritter. I'm off my feed today.

A donut in the mouth is worth two in the hand

Noah leans against a cast iron fence at Pioneer Park, with his Aunt Virginia and cousins Cici and Ohen. The guy in blue sitting down is a stranger -- he ignored my entire photo shoot. Never looked up once.

When Katrina showed me this stick/leaf configuration I said "Oh, it's a pretty ballerina!" She replied "Shut up -- it's an umbrella."

How did Katrina get so freckled? She certainly didn't get it from the Torkildson side of the family

I'm glad to see this batch of cousins can make nice -- I couldn't stand my cousins when I was a kid

Photo Essay: Haircut

Text by Tim Torkildson. Photography by Noah Torkildson

It's been time to get a haircut for over a month now. I don't like to comb the stuff and it suffocates the top of my head during the boiling summer months here in Provo. So when Sarah brought the grand kids over for donuts and park play this morning, I prevailed upon her to strip down the old noggin. The deed was done out on my patio. In the broiling sun . . .

You can see how long and unruly it was getting

When Sarah focuses on something, she FOCUSES

Ah, these domestic scenes are so unaffected . . .

I'm not ashamed of my rolls of fat -- like Falstaff, I worked hard to get 'em

Explaining something important to my photographer Noah

It has been said my face would not only stop a clock -- it would stop a sundial

The hand that holds the clippers rules the world

This is either my head or a mo qua -- it's hard to tell which

And . . . I'm done! It took Sarah only 12 minutes to cut my hair

The Dragonfly

Photo by Sarah Read

The dragonfly is awful fun

To watch go winging in the sun.

But if you are at all smallfry --

Beware the hungry dragonfly!

It’s bulging eyes your speed will gauge,

It’s appetite to ass-u-age.

I’m glad my clumsy height defies

The hunger of the dragonflies!

Headlines & Verse. Tuesday. July 11. 2017

FBI BUILDING SO OVERCROWDED THAT THE ONLY CONFERENCE ROOM LEFT IS A BROOM CLOSET

In Washington there is no space

For FBI workers to pace --

Their building’s so wee

It won’t hold a flea --

For handcuffs they must use shoelace.

SHOCKING NEWS: PENTAGON IS ALL ABOUT WAR, NOT PEACE

The Pentagon doesn’t know peace

From any old spot of cold grease.

Their only concern

Is helping Mars churn

Battles and blood without cease.

LA SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU -- AND ARE STILL LABELED 'UNDERPAID'

If you would make money apace,

Then get in the next school board race.

Their salary cap

Keeps rising like sap --

Why not, when you’ve got a tax base?

Monday, July 10, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Monday. July 10. 2017

THIS DEEP SOUTH UNIVERSITY IS ON THE SKIDS -- IS IT A COLLEGIATE ENRON?

The faculty down at Mizzou

Is being let go by the slew.

The students decamped,

Which made money cramped --

The place is o’ergrown with fescue . . .

RUSSIA OFFERS ONE-STOP SERVICE FOR ALL OF WASHINGTON'S NEEDS -- INCLUDING CHARACTER ASSASSINATION, HACKING, AND BLACKMAIL

Russians are the go-to guys, whatever you may need --

From blackmail to some poison gas to hacking with great speed.

Finding dirt on Hillary or arming bumbershoots,

The Russians are reliable when you are in cahoots!

Their fee is always moderate, as long as you pay cash --

And never tell opponents they are looking through their trash.

THE LION'S SHARE OF HEALTHCARE COSTS WILL CONTINUE TO ESCALATE AT AN ALARMING RATE , AS CONGRESS CONTINUES TO DITHER.

I haven’t had healthcare in years.

I’d rather keep buying craft beers.

The more that I drink

The less I need think

Of outliving all of my peers.

ARE BANKS CUSTOMER FRIENDLY? (DO PIGS HAVE WINGS?)

You cannot sue a bank,

No matter how you try.

You might as well give wings

To pigs and let them fly.

The government protects

All bankers, great and small.

That’s why they grin that grin,

And have tremendous gall.

If you have been coldcocked

By any sort of bank,

You might as well go home

And look at your fishtank.

Some day I hope the banks

Will sink into the sea --

And never come ashore

To charge an int’rest fee.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIG PHARMA AND A BANK ROBBER? BANK ROBBERS GET CAUGHT.

Big Pharma is calling the shots --

And tying our Congress in knots.

When they sell a pill,

Look out for the bill --

The only thing that ain’t ersatz.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Little Boy Upon the Bank

Little boy upon the bank,

Are you planning some new prank?

Do you fish for minnows, so?

Does the sun seem never low?

How the green weeds glow today!

Tadpoles dip and spiders play.

You hold the world so nonchalant --

So filled, without a fear or taunt!

Mail Art Call for Missionary Experiences

I am the creator and the current curator of The Provo Museum of Mail Art. We invite all interested missionaries, past and present, to mail in a visual representation of your missionary experiences -- in Thailand, and elsewhere. We also invite all those who have interacted with the LDS missionaries to submit mail art as well. Your submissions will be put on display at the Museum this fall, and admission will be free to one and all.

If you don't know what mail art, or postal art, is, then let me explain briefly:

It started as an artistic movement in New York City, when several professional artists grew tired of the exclusiveness of art galleries and museums. They decided to bypass all the snobbery by mailing each other samples of their work for enjoyment and for critiques. Today the movement numbers around five thousand members worldwide.

For a more detailed explanation and description, click here.

Please let me emphasize that you do not need to be a professionally trained or exhibited artist to participate. All entries are welcomed and will be put on display on an equal basis! In fact, I strongly encourage anyone with the least bit of interest in the visual arts to participate. This includes children!

Here is the official Mail Art Call as it will appear on the International Union of Mail Artists website:

MAIL ART CALL.

Project title: “The LDS Missionary Experience in Thailand and Elsewhere”

Work in all mediums accepted.

Deadline: December 29, 2017

There is no entry fee

All submissions become the property of the Provo Museum of Mail Art

All submissions will be on display at the Provo Museum of Mail Art for

approximately eight weeks after being received.

Please send electronic submissions to torkythai911@gmail.com

Please mail submissions to:

The Provo Museum of Mail Art

℅ Tim Torkildson