I was arrested for looking too happy

I was arrested for looking too happy.

I was fined for harboring a typewriter after curfew.

They persecute me because I won't dandruff.

My bank account is closed by the authorities

after I mispronounce Schweigert.

They refuse me bail on account of Mel Gibson.

Then my lawyer runs out of cream cheese.

The judge is growing chives on his bench.

A jury of my peers all look like Jerry Colonna

in a movie with Hugh Herbert.

I can't last much longer without a waiver.

They say jail food makes you look guilty.

I still have my friends, but they read the wrong newspaper.

I'm being followed by a gnat-waisted lint processor

on a moped.

I'll go quietly, but with a great deal of noise.

Will I be crucified just to satisfy someone's knitting?

My parole officer makes me eat raw kale.

Afterwards I make a living editing graffiti

inside brick kilns.

Most states protect senior ctizens in debt from losing their possessions. Why doesn't Utah?

Most states have a law that helps to protect elderly debtors from losing their most cherished possessions. Utah doesn't. A BYU grad who helps seniors deal with debt collectors wants to know why.

Deseret News

There was an old man from Lehi

who got into debt by and by.

The sheriff's tight net

took his TV set;

he's left with a wall, high and dry.

The 27 Turkeys

Dawdling along with the online New York Times today, I ran across this nifty Q & A snippet:

Q. It’s hot out. I plan to avoid turning on my oven for the rest of the summer. Yet you and your team are roasting turkeys. Why?

Thanksgiving is coming, and fast. We’ve got stories to investigate, recipes to develop, tables to set before people start coming to us to ask about what to cook this year and how.

A golden memory suddenly clattered into my consciousness with a sound like billiard balls being racked up. Thirty-some years ago, while attempting to raise a pack of wild savages with only the help of a single mate (polygamy having by then been restricted to the steaming interior of Borneo and the wave bruised shores of Patagonia), I had suddenly come into possession of 27 frozen turkeys. It was both a bonanza and a burden that challenged me as nothing ever has outside of the time I stuffed a dozen sticks of Bonomo's Turkish Taffy into my mouth on a dare from Wayne Matsuura when we were in fifth grade.

But unlike the taffy episode, I did not choke when it came to those 27 frozen Butterballs. Here's how the whole caper went down . . .

I was at the time employed by Fingerhut Telemarketing, supervising approximately one hundred distinctly louche phone hustlers in an office on Larpenteur Avenue. Amidst the din of raffish voices growling and hissing about bargains on pillow protectors ("Only nine-ninety-nine plus shipping and handling!") I was pummeling my brains one day, trying to come up with a way to feed my ever-growing brood while maintaining a parasitic mortgage on a crumbling hovel and springing for winter tires on the family chariot -- the current set of wheels had less traction than a jellied eel.

As I pondered my looming financial doom that December afternoon, the manager's door opened and an arm snaked out to beckon me inside with a curling index finger. I obeyed on the instant. The boss was seated at his desk and did not bother to invite me to sit down. Glancing up at me through a pair of glasses as thick as welding goggles, he brusquely informed me that a truck would be down at the loading bay in one hour. It was filled with frozen Butterball turkeys supplied by the generous chairman of Fingerhut, Ted Deikel, to distribute to all employees after their shift was ended at 9 p.m. My job was to inform the crew of their good fortune, then to lead them down to the loading dock and supervise the handout. Any surplus turkeys, said the boss, I could dispose of as I pleased -- since the truck driver had instructions to return the truck empty to the warehouse. 

I immediately sensed a potential windfall for me and mine. If there were a few extra turkeys left over, I would have Amy nip over in our van so we could nab them for our freezer. After kissing the ground in front of my boss and backing out of his office I snuck into the break room, where I phoned Amy. Game as always, she agreed to be the getaway driver if indeed I could 'boost' a few extra birds for our anemic pantry. 

Telemarketers, as a rule, are desperate characters with attenuated social skills and a conscience impervious to remorse. (I should know -- I used to be one.) That evening, after a few snarled "Thanks" and even a few sniveling "Bet these are grade B birds," I quickly counted the remaining turkeys -- there were exactly 27 of 'em. I told the driver to hold on just a few minutes, ran up to the break room to phone Amy, and as soon as she arrived, with the kids along in their pajamas, we piled the frozen loot in the back of the van. I ran back upstairs to turn off the lights and lock the door, then we headed home, gloating over our haul. 

Once home Amy and I carried the kids back to their beds; they were deep asleep (or pretended to be for the free ride.) Our backs already aflame with incipient sciatica, we then hustled the birds out of the van and onto several rickety shelves in the cold unheated garage. Each one weighed more than a bowling ball. 

"They'll stay froze in here, all right!" I chuckled as I swung the last turkey into place. But Amy had been watching the WCCO news that afternoon, and she delivered a body blow to my smug hopes.

"It's supposed to warm up starting this weekend -- temperatures in the forties and all the snow's gonna melt" she said.

 Drat! Those turkeys would keep us stuffed to the gills through a good part of the winter if they didn't spoil. I figured each one was good for at least three meals -- roasted and served on a platter; leftovers with dumplings; and then the remaining carcass simmered for a hearty noodle soup.

"Don't worry; you'll come up with some . . . kind of idea" Amy tried to comfort me -- but I had noted that pause, where she undoubtedly meant to add an adjective such as 'idiotic' but then thought better of it.

The next day, feeling refreshed and optimistic, I DID come up with an excellent idea. I would contact everyone we knew within a five mile radius who had a freezer, asking them for space to park a bird or two until we could use them. I got on the rotary phone and began to dial. Turns out that most of our so-called friends didn't have that kind of space in their freezers, or else boorishly demanded a turkey for themselves in return for storing two. Outraged at such effrontery, I turned them down flat. Nobody was getting a hold of any of MY precious Butterballs, not after Amy and I had slaved so hard to swipe them in the first place.

I won't say that Amy smirked at my idea's assured demise, but she certainly seemed more chipper than usual that morning as she went about preparing one of the turkeys for roasting and then mixing up a big batch of cornbread dressing. I wonder if Edison had to deal with that kind of thing when he was inventing the light bulb? 

But I had one final phone call to make, an ace in the hole. The bishop of our ward, out in Roseville, I knew, had a capacious chest freezer in his basement. But would he consent to having it hijacked by our gobblers -- and even then, would there be enough room for over twenty large Butterballs? Well, nothing ventured nothing gained -- I called him up, and lo and behold he consented to the proposal, without asking for a single turkey in return. He said he'd just emptied out the chest freezer the week before and didn't know what to fill it with now. Informing Amy of my triumph, I hastily reloaded all but four of the turkeys back into the van, my vertebrae audibly giving way as I labored, and had them safely tucked into the bishop's basement freezer in less time than it takes to polish a porcupine. 

And all that winter (a viciously interminable one, as I recall) the Torkildsons feasted on dark meat and white meat; we divvied up the 'Pope's nose' with great hilarity; and built a collection of wishbones rarely if ever seen before in the Western hemisphere. 

In fact we at last grew so weary of turkey that I never bothered to collect the last two or three from the bishop's freezer. For all I know they're still in there -- part of the permafrost, no doubt. Maybe I should call him up -- I still have his number -- and tell him if he doesn't want them to donate them to a local food pantry. 

Postcard to the President

Turkey’s Painfully Long Economic Crisis Grinds On

Turkey has avoided the meltdown that seemed possible last summer when the lira plunged precipitously, but safety is remote. The palpable threat of imminent collapse has given way to a sense of muddling through as the government unleashes credit to defer an inevitable reckoning. Meanwhile, anyone with money stashes it away in the face of gnawing fears, depriving the economy of vitality.

NYT

Turkey is a country on the Venezuela path;

it cannot stop an economic lira-led bloodbath.

Erdogan may posture and claim money is not tight;

but Turkish bankers to a man have knuckles that are white.

It's the same old story of an autocratic twit

who has to have it his way or he's gonna throw a fit.

Companies are closing and the stores lack basic stuff;

the IMF is getting set to call Recep's long bluff.

If I lived in Turkey I would stash my cash away

underneath a mattress for the coming rainy day.

Then I'd eat some dolma with a cup of yogurt drink

while I watched old Erdogan make the country sink.

As the World Heats Up, the Climate for News Reporting Is Getting Warmer, Too

As Europe heats up, Greenland melts and the Midwest floods, many news organizations are devoting more resources to climate change as they cover the topic with more urgency.

NYT

Reporters cover glaciers and the heat wave in Paree

instead of murder or the crooks in Washington DC.

With thermometers and graphics they are trying for a scoop

to be the first to show that Iceland's turning into soup.

Never mind the president or war with dull Iran;

journalists are writing bout the driftwood in Spokane.

The permafrost's releasing greenhouse gases, so the Times

is sending ten reporters out to chronicle these crimes.

After crying 'wolf' so long, the fourth estate at last

has convinced its readers that we all are being gassed.

Papers have tapped into all our guilt and dim unease,

as circulation climbs and they begin to pulp more trees.

Postcard to the President

Iran Says It Has Surpassed Critical Nuclear Enrichment Level from 2015 Agreement

LONDON — Iran has breached a crucial limit on the level of uranium enrichment set out in the 2015 nuclear deal, the country’s atomic energy agency said on Monday, as China, another signatory to the deal, accused the United States of “bullying” Tehran with crippling economic sanctions.

NYT

Soon the world will tremble at

mullahs in a funny hat.

Dropping A bombs left and right;

Iran likes to pick a fight.

Can we stop 'em from such things

with our economic slings?

And does China have our back

from a sneaking nuke attack?

One more country mad with lust

to make all the world go bust.

Mars is looking more and more

like a new home I'll adore.

Your Comment on ICE Used Facial Recognition to Mine State Driver’s License Databases

Your comment has been approved! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with The New York Times community. tim torkildson | utah Driver's license facial scans/face no kind of legal bans/so your mug is analyzed/Should you need to be chastised/agents will come swooping down/and you're taken out of town/to a camp for refugees/full of fun and joy and fleas/Soon deported, you'll look back/knowing Uncle Sam's a quack. View your comment If you're having trouble viewing your comment, please copy and paste this link in your browser: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/07/us/politics/ice-drivers-licenses-facial-recognition.html#commentsContainer&permid=101339991:101339991 All of our comments are moderated for civility. Have feedback? Let us know. If you would like your comment to be considered for publication as a letter to the editor, please email a copy of your comment to letters@nytimes.com – along with your name, city/town and phone number (the latter for verification only).

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Sex, Drugs, and Emails (only the last one is true -- the rest is clickbait)

Nobody writes letters anymore, including me. I just send out emails to family and friends. Here's the latest one to go out, today:

I wrote a very nice haiku today, which I sent to the precednet of the new nited snakes of amackula. (I’ve decided not to correct anything in this letter. It’s Sunday -- day of rest -- day of slacking off and letting serendipity run its course -- day of soaking my feet in a tub of brine scented with lavender.) Anywho -- here’s the haiku:

Melted golden light

Poured over the green chestnuts

Finches are panting

Now I gotta go down the hall to the mail slot in the lobby and drop it in. I’ll be right back . . . 

Hey, you’ll never guess what I saw in the lobby just now --

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

This place is so dead on a Sunday it makes a cemetery look like the World Cup soccer game.

My fantasy -- the one I most often think about when going to sleep -- is that the New York Times editors contact me to offer a fantastic salary for a daily topical poem, and once the mazuma is rolling in I move out of this dump, not to Hawaii, not to Thailand, but to a nice 2 bedroom condo here in Utah Valley with an indoor swimming pool -- and then Sarah and Adam and their kids will come over all the time for pool parties and I’ll treat ‘em all to Costco Pizza -- and I start collecting Italian glass clown sculptures to display on my mahogany shelves -- so at last I’ll have a classy place and I’ll dress classy with clothes not from DI and I’ll get a smartphone and use Uber to take me places. But then I get to thinking about how good poverty and slovenliness have been to me these past twenty years -- why shake the hammock when I’m already so comfortable in it? I just wish there was a little life in the lobby -- some interesting people to talk to or listen to. The old buzzards in this building tell each other news that was stale when the pharaohs built the Pyramids and repeat the same old dreary axioms and diatribes inherited from their interbreeding ancestors. Thank goodness for Bruce & Margaret Young, teachers at BYU, who I got to know from swimming at the Rec Center -- they come over for dinner about once a month and are always learning me stuff about Shakespeare and the Democratic Republic of Congo. I really need to seek out more college professors to pal around with -- the only problem being why would any of them want anything to do with a guy who eats canned beans for breakfast and is growing a luxuriant crop of nose hair? Besides, I’m beginning to suspect that my own conversational skills are so decayed that all anyone hears from me is ‘winner winner chicken dinner’ and ‘it’s hotter than a Texas pistol.’ Original thought has fled me like a cat flees a bath. And if I had classier smarter companionship I wouldn’t have such a good excuse to complain -- and there’s nothing half as fun as complaining. Except eating.

Which reminds me of today’s Sacrament meeting here in the building. In the Community Room right off the lobby. Actually, there’s no reason eating should remind me of what happened except that I’m starting to think about a late lunch, and -- oh, bother . . . here’s what happened today:

So we meet at 11 a.m. in the Community Room to take the Sacrament. It’s not really a meeting at all; it only lasts 20 minutes. There’s usually about a dozen old ladies attending and one old guy, Johnny, and me. Today several of the old ladies walked in and immediately smelled perfume in the air. I couldn’t smell anything. But they claimed it was very strong and cloying and they couldn’t stay in the room because of it. So they went out in the lobby to sit. So when the bishop showed up we did the Sacrament with just 3 people in the room -- the rest were out in the lobby, because a few old ladies said they were allergic to perfume in the air and the other old ladies had to troop along with them. Must be peer pressure or something. Anyway, that was a strange thing -- I took the Sacrament out to them at the direction of the bishop, but I could tell he was coming to a slow boil with such foolishness. He’ll probably take it out on his tithing clerk later today.

I plan a vegetarian lunch today, cuz I had some pork sausage with my butter beans this morning (which I ate with green onions and a dill pickle.) 

I stopped writing for a minute to look out my patio window at the birds feeding on sunflower seeds and black thistles, and I began to wonder if animals know when it’s Sunday. I don’t think they do. I also wonder why the heck my fount size just went from 10 to 12. I didn’t do anything that I know of. Oh well, heck with it. Too lazy to change it back. It’s probably an artistic touch that will garner admiring remarks in the years to come when all my emails are published by Harvard Press.

2:33 p.m.  So I took a break to have lunch -- I had microwave basmati rice and microwave Indian vegetable curry. Tasted pretty dang good. I can’t ever seem to make a good pot of rice myself anymore -- it always comes out either mushy or grainy. But the microwave kind, though expensive, always comes out just the way I like it, like at a restaurant. The curry was only so-so, so I splashed it with Tabasco sauce and fish sauce. That did the trick.  and now I’ve room enough left for a good hearty snack this evening when I watch Netflix. I’ll fix up a bowl of Slim Jims, mozzarella sticks, mixed nuts (no peanuts), Chicken in a Biscuit crackers, and a handful of green olives stuffed with pimentos. Washed down with club soda.

It’s been hot here, in the mid-90’s each day, and I notice the birds on my patio now keep their little beaks open all the time -- I guess they must be panting. I remember long ago when I was on the road I stopped at a motel in Missouri during one of their terrible heat spells; I was in the parking lot getting something out of the glove compartment of my car when I noticed a tiny bird sprawled on the asphalt, beak open wide and panting away in desperation. As I watched the poor creature it gave one last gasp and died in front of me. I felt so shaken that I vowed I would never let such a thing happen in front of me again, so anytime I see a bird on my patio that looks like it’s not going to make it I close the blinds and go get some ice cream out of the freezer -- and I feel much better. A cat or something always takes away the dead birds before I have to deal with them. 

Isn’t that a spiritual and moving anecdote? I should send it to the Ensign.

Tomorrow I babysit for Sarah again. I’ll do it all week while she goes into some chiropractor's office and gets a fifty dollars an hour  for bending a few arms and legs. Last week I set up a lemonade stand with Ohen, Lance, and Brooke -- providing the lemon juice, sugar, cups, and ice. They made twenty dollars in four hours -- the mailman came by 3 times, and brought other mailmen with him. We charged 25 cents per cup. And a neighbor drove by to give Ohen a five dollar bill but didn’t want any lemonade. So this time we’re going to make root beer. I have the extract and cups, so all we need on Monday will be the dry ice and sugar. I also bought a gallon thermos jug. If it works out we’ll keep selling cold drinks the rest of the week, so the grand kids can make some money for themselves. I don’t mind buying the stuff for them -- Adam has been real good to me this past week, giving me a ton of easy rewrite assignments, so there’s extra money in the bank. I’ll also probably buy a Winco chicken dinner for them at the deli tomorrow. It’s a good deal -- you get ten pieces of fried/baked chicken, eight King’s Hawaiin rolls, and a pound of fried potato wedges (which we always called them jo-jos when I was a kid.)  All for 13 bucks. That way Sarah doesn't have to cook anything for lunch and the kids can snack on chicken and jo-jos for the rest of the day -- I’ve never seen creatures with such appetites before. They snarl over scraps of gristle and shards of bones like hyenas. 

Well, I think I’ll end this literary folly and check Amazon Kindle for a good book to read the rest of this afternoon. I’ve got about twenty books on my Kindle right now. I just finished one about Norse Mythology; interesting and depressing. Those Swedes were a morbid bunch when it comes to their ancient gods. I could go for a good murder mystery . . .