Trump Is Said to Ask: Can We Buy Greenland? (NYT)

My chin was itching, so I knew I was going to have visitors. I sat out on my patio eating an Otter Pop and a scary clown came down the alleyway to stand in front of me. He had sharp pointy teeth and his yellow gloves were stained red.

"Boo!" he growled at me.

"Oh, go to blazes" I shot back, too irritated to take his threatening demeanor seriously. The Elders had just called to cancel their lunch with me, and I already had the red sauce simmering on the stove. NOW what was I going to do with it? Thus, my cranky mood.

"Would you like to buy a balloon?" the scary clown asked hopefully.

"No" I replied shortly. "Beat it. Get lost. Am-scray." The scary clown trudged away -- a broken metaphor of something or other that I was too peeved to ponder.

Now came a guy in a dark blue v-neck sweater. "Can I buy your sunflowers please?" he asked in an accent like El Brendel.

"Where you from?" I asked him, my temper not improved by his fakey sounding accent. The cosmos was playing practical jokes on me and I wasn't enjoying it.

"Greenland" he said apologetically. "I come to buy up tings here so you don't buy up my country first."

"That's ridiculous" I shot back. "Nobody in their right mind would want to buy your country -- it's nothin' but rocks and ice and a bunch of sheep." 

"Maybe so" he said sheepishly, "but I vill buy you first before you buy me."

"Begone, you piece of lousewort!" I yelled at him, going out of my mind with grief at the senseless and continual selling and buying that seemed to engulf my surroundings. The poor Greenlander broke down and started to cry at my outburst, so I offered him a chair and a Pancho Punch Otter Pop. 

"There, there" I said kindly. "Let us not speak of vulgar commercial matters any more. Speak to me of crowberries and rhubarb instead."

We became best friends that day, and I invited him to move in with me. Now we go on long hikes and make reindeer sausage together. And when his native land sunk into the ocean after all the glaciers were deported, I bought him a nice pair of penny loafers to console him. 

More than 250,000 people sign a petition to rename Fifth Ave. in front of Trump Tower ‘Obama Avenue’ (WaPo)

Save Christ Should Come

 And my soul delighteth in proving unto my people that save Christ should come all men must perish.

2 Nephi 11:6

Save Christ should come the world would die

of suffocation with a sigh.

All mankind would defeated be

in wars that wage eternally.

Our fallen natures would insure

that but alone we would endure.

But since our Lord and Savior reigns

all the existential pains

are swallowed up in his great care.

And all mankind renewed shall be,

and perish not so fitfully.

Postcard to the President

Your Comment on How One Billionaire Could Keep Three Countries Hooked on Coal for Decades

Your comment has been approved! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with The New York Times community. tim torkildson | utah If you want to punch a hole/in the atmosphere with coal/governments are happy to/subsidize your ballyhoo/Teeming millions still must choke/on bituminous black smoke/All so billionaires can grasp/profits until Earth's last gasp. View your comment If you're having trouble viewing your comment, please copy and paste this link in your browser: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/15/climate/coal-adani-india-australia.html#commentsContainer&permid=102023827:102023827 All of our comments are moderated for civility. Have feedback? Let us know. If you would like your comment to be considered for publication as a letter to the editor, please email a copy of your comment to letters@nytimes.com – along with your name, city/town and phone number (the latter for verification only).

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Your Comment on Stocks Whipsaw as Traders Face Conflicting Trade War Signals

Your comment has been approved! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with The New York Times community. tim torkildson | utah Stocks and bonds no longer seem to follow any odds/they have become the playthings of fiduciary gods/Traders in a frenzy know not where to turn for help/they're sagging in deep melancholy/ like shipwrecked strands of kelp/Should tariffs multiply some more/and upset their frail skiff/I think the traders will jump off the nearest, highest cliff. View your comment If you're having trouble viewing your comment, please copy and paste this link in your browser: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/15/business/stock-market-today.html#commentsContainer&permid=102019017:102019017 All of our comments are moderated for civility. Have feedback? Let us know. If you would like your comment to be considered for publication as a letter to the editor, please email a copy of your comment to letters@nytimes.com – along with your name, city/town and phone number (the latter for verification only).

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Someone left old TVs outside 50 homes in Virginia while wearing a TV on his head. No one knows why. (WaPo)

Old television sets started dropping from the sky on August 15th, 2019, without any warning or explanation. The first attack lasted twelve hours and killed two million people.
NASA was able to use several satellites to pinpoint the source of the old tvs -- a mysterious oblong white lozenge that appears to vibrate at the rate of 12 million rtms prior to releasing the nonfunctioning television sets into the upper atmosphere, where the trade winds blow them helter skelter before they descend on an unsuspecting world.
So far all efforts to communicate with the lozenge have failed.
World leaders are scheduled to meet in the Marmalade Fields this coming Friday to map out a concerted plan of counter attack against the deadly television barrage. According to the Pentagon, most of the television sets are Magnavox brand.
The Dalai Lama has been quoted as saying "This plague is the karmic build up of three quarters of a century of watching the boob tube. We should all head for the hills."
In contrast, evangelist Jimmy Swaggart has told reporters "I believe that these antique television sets are a gift from God. We should receive them gratefully, and if any fall on a loved one we should consider that person as blessed."

The spirit of contention

 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention . . . 

3 Nephi  11:29

The children of contention will dispute the time of day;

contradict the prophets and demand to have their say.

They listen not, nor ponder, but revere the arm of flesh --

surely they are falling into Satan's silken mesh!

Oh Lord give me the patient heart, the open mind and still;

that quietly I'll serve thee and do nothing but thy will.