Haiku: Autumn

sagging grey skyline,

smothering summer's blue light --

Autumn accomplished

Verses from Stories in Today's New York Times -- As Republicans Face Impeachment Dilemma, Romney Is a Lonely Voice of Concern -- Where Do We Stand on the Exclamation Point? -- Meet the Millionaires Helping to Pay for Climate Protests.

A dog owner who owns a mutt

that bites him a lot in the butt

in loyalty will

refuse it to kill;

which leaves Romney in a bad rut.

@jmartNYT

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Please do not ever dictate

ways that I must punctuate!

You cannot anoint

my exclamation point

as something that is second rate!

@emmabgo

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It must be nice to have the dough

to put on any kind of show

or protest that your whimsy feels,

'gainst plastic straws or automobiles.

If I were rich I would protest

how we are spelling 'Bucharest.'

They ought to use a 'k' to spell

that Slavic city known so well.

I'd bribe the media by the ton

until my case I'd smugly won.

And then fly off to warm Saint Kitts

for eye candy and white wine spritz.

@jswatz

"This guy's about as funny as pickle flavored bubblegum."

;

Verses from Stories in Today's Washington Post -- A man kissed a reporter on air against her will. He’s facing harassment charges. -- Effort to shield Trump’s call with Ukrainian leader was part of broader secrecy effort -- A woman collected Social Security benefits while her mother’s body decayed in a tub.

Never kiss reporters on the air, or even off;

otherwise a bitter cup you certainly will quaff.

If you show affection to the Fourth Estate at all,

they will cause a media and legalistic squall.

Journalists are prickly folk, who uphold steely views

on their firm position in the world of nightly news.

Do not send them flowers or a box of candy either --

otherwise you'll find yourself in jail, taking a breather.

@KnowlesHannah

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Presidents keep secrets like the honey that is kept

by busy bees in their own hives -- at which they are adept.

A secret is delicious, and it's fun to keep it hid;

and if it is extracted then the bees will flip their lid.

So let the poor man have his fun with puzzles by the score.

He'll soon enough be leaving for new digs in Ecuador . . .

@jdawsey1 @CarolLeonnig

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I do not think I'd mind it if my kids collected dough

for me from the Feds while I did crumble nice and slow.

That little streak of larceny that's in my genes would like

to see that Uncle Sam was diddled by my own sweet tyke.

After all, the government takes more than it deserves

and always will have plenty in their underground reserves.

I'd gladly testify at trial, a ghost that makes men quake,

that with me as their father all my kids deserve a break!!

@lateshiabeachum

"You can't make poetry without breaking eggs."

Verses from Stories in Today's Washington Post -- The creator of the labradoodle says he made ‘Frankenstein’s monster’ -- A woman mistook wasabi for avocado. The shock led to ‘broken heart syndrome.’ -- The traditional hand gesture for “okay” is now considered a sign of hatred, along with 35 other signs, by a prominent Jewish civil rights organization that maintains a database of hate symbols.

How much is that doggie in the window?

The one with two heads and a horn.

How much is that doggie in the window?

I wish it had never been born!

I must take it to a laboratory

and leave the poor thing in the hands

of scientists crazed by morbid ideas,

who'll poke it and give it some scans.

I read in the papers of gene splicing

which certainly gets me to think

that doggies would be a better subject

to turn into muskrat or mink!!

@KnowlesHannah

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When sampling wasabi please be careful as you gulp;
the stuff is pretty blazing and can turn your gut to pulp.
It isn't avocado or pea soup or jelly mints;
those who will abuse it get intestines made of chintz.
It's only good with sushi; otherwise the stuff should be
given to a HazMat team to throw into the sea!
@lateshiabeachum

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Body language has become divisive and contentious,
with so-called experts spouting off -- ever so pretentious.
So keep all hands in pockets or you might just start a rumble,
and wind up at the guillotine via cart or tumbril.
@marisa_iati  @abbyohlheiser



"Newspapers are only good for wrapping up fish!"

Verses from Stories in the New York Times -- The World’s Oceans Are in Danger, Major Climate Change Report Warns -- A Love Letter to Canned Food -- Employer Health Insurance Is Increasingly Unaffordable, Study Finds.

One fish, two fish, no fish, few fish.

Dead fish, whew! fish, black fish, screw fish.

This one poisoned by phosphates.

That one swallows big lead weights.

Say! As all the oceans boil,

fish are floating up to spoil.

Tuna fish will cost much more

than a can of pickled boar!

Some are sick and some are weak,

and some great gobs of pus do leak.

What has happened to the shad?

Beats me, dude; go ask your dad.

Here are some by coral reef,

looking for some cool relief.

But the coral's white with smother.

Why is that? Go ask your mother!

@bradplumer

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A can of peaches is to me

an evening's welcome grocery.

No muss, no fuss; just open and

add some cream to make it grand.

Pork and beans may sound mundane,

but they beat a quiche lorraine

when you're tired or too broke

to eat out like the richer folk.

A pantry full of cans is sweet

(and don't forget the pickled beet!)

@MelissaClark

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Employers who offer health care

are dwindling and pretty rare.

With premiums high

you might as well die,

as live homeless in a lawn chair.

@ReedAbelson

"Tain't funny, McGee . . . "

Verses from Stories in Today's Washington Post -- A steamy chat distracted an officer when she entered the wrong apartment and killed a man, prosecutors say -- A masterpiece hung above a woman’s hot plate for years. It could be worth millions. -- An acclaimed French chef is suing over a lost Michelin star. It all started with a cheesy allegation..

Let this cop's sad story be

part of our stored memory.

She was so consumed by lust

she became a bit nonplussed,

and distracted by the gloom

she did enter the wrong room.

When she saw a man inside,

she let loose -- the man, he died.

Sex with guns, if I may preach,

ought to stay out of our reach.

@britsham

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I wonder if that painting from the thrift store that I bought

is actually a Rembrandt that is really worth a lot.

Could it be that Claude Monet designed my coffee mug?

Jackson Pollock, I am sure, conceived my bedroom rug!

Oh, I am rich, so very rich, with all these artsy things,

that I am gonna start to wear top hats and diamond rings.

Appraisers, come and gaze in wonder at my miscellany --

then start the bidding at a million with a rich Bahraini!

@ReisThebault

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I haven't lost a single star from my own cooking shack.

Of course, it ain't too elegant and we don't serve cognac.

I open up a can of beans, add ketchup and hot sauce,

and come up with a dish that all my customers call 'boss.'

I give 'em lots of crackers to soak up the tallow grease,

and let 'em chow down all they want until they grow obese.

The secret to good cooking, as all French chefs ought to know,

is get your meat from Hormel and your spuds from Idaho!

@bellwak

"Social media is a bunch of jiggery-pokery!"

For they shall be comforted

And again, blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted

3 Nephi 12:4.

Mournful are the days of man, comfortless and bleak.

He struggles for momentum without fortitude, and weak.

But ev'ry sorrow we endure and ev'ry tear we shed

is swallowed up in Christ the Lord, our loving, living Head.

Anguish does not last for long when God his comfort shares,

and all who will believe in him are ransomed from their cares.

Verses from Stories in Today's New York Times -- Trump Blames Europe for His Delay of Ukraine Aid -- Orlando Officer Is Terminated After Arresting 6-Year-Olds -- Boris Johnson’s Suspension of Parliament Was Unlawful, U.K. Supreme Court Rules.

Miser Trump blames Europe for his petty pocketbook.

He thinks if he is generous he'll look just like a schnook.

He wants the other nations to cough up some dough right now,

otherwise Ukrainians will be light on their chow.

O miser Trump must you be cruel to poor and needy souls

who need their Uncle Sammy to prop up all their payrolls?

It's not like it is needed in the good ol' USA --

we've money coming out our ears and can't give it away!

@peterbakernyt

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Those dirty rotten children that infest our public streets;

such desperado infants are the criminal elites!

Making funny faces and then walking on the grass;

officers should hunt them down and lock 'em up en masse.

Such baby-faced delinquents do not fool me one small bit;

they'll stop at nothing and our cookie jars will take a hit!

@marielpadilla_

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Boris Johnson, as P.M.,

caused a lot of rude mayhem.

When the Parliament he shooed,

by the judges he was booed.

Little Boris, run away --

play despot some other day.

@MarkLandler

"I'd rather read a comic book."

Verses from Stories in Today's Washington Post -- Samsung’s Galaxy Fold is finally here. Handle with care. -- A revenge-seeking fitness expert created 369 fake Instagram accounts and staged a kidnapping -- An Iowa hog farmer said his wife fell on a corn rake. A jury ruled he used it to murder her.

I never knew I needed folding phones so desperately.

It seems my life is incomplete without one instantly.

I don't know where I'll get a couple thousand just right now;

guess I'll take a gambling trip way out to old Macao.

And when I hit the jackpot I will get a folding phone,

and give somebody DNA to make my folding clone!

@geoffreyfowler

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If Shakespeare were alive today he'd have a jolly time

cooking up some tragedies about our cyber crime.

Fantastic schemes by villains for revenge would be his plots,

tying up good nobles in great Instagramic knots.

Iago and foul Caliban upon a keyboard black

would work their awful mischief with their evil texting claque.

And Hamlet out on center stage would start his famous bleat

by furrowing his brow and asking: "To delete or not delete . . . "

@britsham  

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A hog farmer, tired of strife,

stuck a corn rake in his wife.

The jury refused 

to think him abused,

and gave him from twenty to life.

@antoniafarzan  @kemettler

"No news is fake news."

The poor in spirit

 Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

3 Nephi 12:3

Come unto me is the Savior's refrain

to all who lack spirit and suffer in vain.

Beggars are we, with sore hearts and in rags;

our indigent souls full of meaningless brags. 

But when I embrace his great love as a child,

full blessings will come as my want is exiled!