Inflation

 

Ladies and gentlemen, can we talk about inflation for a moment? Not the balloon kind, no, that’s child's play. I mean the kind where your wallet goes on a diet, and your money starts to feel like it’s burning calories instead of earning them.

You know inflation's kicking in when you overhear your piggy bank is seeing a therapist for 'emptiness issues'. And your dollars are now entering the witness protection program because they’re worth less and less and don’t want to be recognized.

Remember the good old days when a buck was a buck and could actually buy you something more substantial than a puzzled look from the teenager behind the counter? Now, it seems like every time I open my wallet, the bills inside have thrown a going away party for the ones that left.

Grocery shopping has turned into a game show. You know, “The Price is Right”? Except Bob Barker isn’t there to console you, and every time you guess a price, it’s wrong and it’s higher. I picked up a block of cheese the other day and had to check if it was made of gold. It wasn’t, but I'm considering an investment in dairy commodities.

And have you tried to buy a car recently? The salesperson was like, “How about a nice compact?” And I'm like, "Sure, but where's the car?" Because I swear, the price they're asking, you’d think they come with a built-in butler and a spa.

Then there’s the gas station. I saw the numbers rolling so fast, I thought I was winning something. I was waiting for the bells to ring and someone to come out with an oversized check. But no, it's just me, donating to the “Oil Company’s Children's College Fund” one tank at a time.

Utilities aren’t any better. I got my electric bill the other day and I thought it was a phone number. I tried calling it, and some guy answered with, "Thanks for paying off my yacht!"

Eating out has become eating “in” because when you look at the menu prices, suddenly, your home-cooked meal of canned beans and toast looks like a Michelin-star feast. I asked a waiter for a wine recommendation and he said, “Honestly, sir, with these prices, I recommend sobriety.”

Even the dollar store is under existential threat. They’re about to be called “Five Dollar Stores” and you can forget about finding treasures in there. It’s more like a safari where you’re hunting for anything that’s actually a dollar.

And in this economic climate, forget about the tooth fairy. Kids are waking up to IOUs under their pillows. The tooth fairy's facing bankruptcy, saying, “At these rates, keep your own teeth, kid.”

But let’s end on a good note. They say laughter is the best medicine, right? Which is great because it’s the only prescription we can afford now! Just remember, folks, when you finally find that sofa change, hold onto it tight. Because at the rate we’re going, it might just be your retirement fund.