Ledes & Limericks. Tuesday January 23 2018

Others are more inventive, such as Phoenix readers who call the Arizona Republic the “Arizona Repugnant” or the “Arizona Repulsive.” In North Carolina, the Raleigh News and Observer is sometimes labeled the “Noise and Disturber.” In Milwaukee, some readers have made the tired “Urinal” nickname flush, calling the Journal Sentinel the “Urine Sample.”  from the Chippewa Herald

It seems that the dignity’s fled

From newspapers that once had bred

Great awe and esteem --

But now that’s a dream;

The Prez wants them all to drop dead.

Norway’s strong social security net, which includes generous parental leave policies, is  a key reason the country of just over 5 million people is consistently rated one of the best places in the world to live.  From HuffPost  

The reason Norway is so fit

To live in is the Akvavit.

One bottle guzzled neat each day

And you’re as happy as a jay!

Business Cards Aren’t Dead, They’re Just Getting Weird

Bizness cards are getting strange --

They come is such disturbing range.

A card shaped like banana peel

Would not put over any deal.

But if new bizness you would start

I’d make my cards erotic art.

Gray Water

wind clicks in the brush

gray water so very still 

mountains keep distant

Ledes & Limericks. Monday January 22 2018

Reporters and editors making guesses

at what might happen rather than reporting

what did happen results in what

is typically called speculative journalism.

 From the NYTimes

When journalists go on a binge,

Predicting the news from a twinge,

They’re turning the trade

Into a charade;

No wonder their readers do cringe!

Government Shutdown

Goes Into Monday as

Senate Inches Toward

Deal

Our government is shutting down,

The bureaucrats depart --

Without their calculating minds

Perhaps we’ll gain more heart.

The Humorous Dictator

A humorous dictator is a thing I like to see.

One who squirts some seltzer on proud Lady Liberty.

He throws a pie at prisoners, and dissidents all find

They’re beat with rubber chickens when in protest they are lined.

He moons the other nations when they sanction his regime;

His jokes are foreign policy and taught in academe.

And when at last he’s led before a firing squad, he grins --

And asks to hear kazoos instead of sobbing violins.

Snow

The sky has come down

To cover branches in lint

To bear silently

Winter Light

The pure winter light

Softens abandoned childhood

Hides the trash they left

Ledes & Limericks. Friday January 19 2018

Trump’s Approval Rating

Slides, but President Gets

Credit for Economy,

Stocks

The President popular ain’t,

But on the Exchange he’s a saint.

The reason must be

Gullibility,

And growing more used to his taint.

Peter Zych replied to this poem in the Wall Street Journal: "Yes Tim.  All of us stock investors are as stupid as rocks but somewhat wealthier recently.  MAGA!"

U.S. Military Escalates

War Efforts in the

Philippines

Warmongering and Uncle Sam

Are nearly synonymous, ma’am --

So please don’t be riled

That we shot up your child --

As a token of peace, here’s some Spam.

Mathew Zobian replied to this poem in the Wall Street Journal: "What ignorance. Go to these areas, Tim. Learn about the world."

Venezuela’s Oil Production

Is Collapsing

Maduro wants children to know

He’ll feed them as soon as some dough

Is brought in by oil

Sucked up from the soil

As derricks turn into skid row.

Blame Game Begins as

Budget Showdown Looms

in Senate

The Senate is slow to react

To anything based on a fact.

If it is absurd

They’ll act like a herd --

And that’s why the country is wacked.


A Ms Hendley in the Wall Street Journal replied to this limerick: "substitute terd for herd......sounds more appropriate"

and Joseph Miksis also commented in the same paper:  "The lobbyists are the people responsible for the shutdown.  They will be even busier, paying off all the Congressmen and women they have bought to make this shutdown happen."

An Unwelcome Tax

Surprise Could Soon

Lurk in Your Paycheck

 from the Wall Street Journal

Withholding tax isn’t a cinch.

You might get a terrible pinch.

The new taxing laws

Should give us all pause;

The IRS still is a Grinch.

Mention Bitcoin One

More Time And You’re

Sleeping on the Couch

from the Wall Street Journal

I’d rather you went on a drunk,

Than spout anymore bitcoin bunk.

It may be your god --

To me it’s just odd;

Your millions will soon turn to junk!

Like a cord of wood

like a cord of wood that's split
going down into the pit
is the flow of my life force
to a halt abrupt, of course.

yet have I been spared this day
to repent and mend my way,
only if I do not dream
of pulling out another's beam.

finely carved or left to rot
my grain determines quite a lot
until the splinters of my life
are burned away by holy strife. 

Ledes & Limericks. Thursday January 18 2018

Diners are asking for ever hotter dishes, but

restaurants say few can handle the heat;

‘This is not a joke.’  from the Wall Street Journal

When ordering chili to go,

Beware of the peppers they show.

To boast of the fire

You like can be dire --

Capsaicin will make your tongue glow.

Before Eating Schnuddelhong

With Gromperekichelcher,

You Must Pass the

Sproochentest

When speaking a language that’s foreign

You mustn’t tell people it’s borin’

Or spritz all about

If there’s an umlaut --

Or else you’ll be treated with scorn.

For These Young Entrepreneurs,

Silicon Valley Is, Like, Lame

The Silicon Valley allure

Is lost on Gen X’ers for sure.

Their praise is frugal

For places like Google;

They’d rather tour Kuala Lumpur.

Federal Climate Experts

Rank Last Year Among

Three Warmest in

Modern Times

There was a young person of Leeds

Whose sweat splashed away in great beads.

Twas not exercise

That made his temp rise --

But mankind’s great sooty misdeeds.

Tide Is Telling People

to Call Poison Control

After Doing the Tide

Pod Challenge

People who swallow Tide pods

Are certainly acting like clods.

Your tongue needs the rinse

Like it needs some raw quince --

You’ll be farting soap bubbles in wads.

How Donald Trump Has Upstaged U.S. Foreign Policy

‘Topsy turvy’ is the watchword of the new regime;

Working like the Marx Brothers,and not as expert team.

Sowing discord with our friends, and giving foes a pass --

Our foreign policy is now straight through the Looking Glass.

Will we invade Caracas, or put Asia on the spot?

Is Cuba to be downgraded and Pyongyang made too hot?

Insulting Third World countries seems to be the master plan;

Calling it a poop hole doesn’t do much for Bhutan.

Diplomacy by tweeting has replaced the old Detente;

Intelligence is shrinking and good manners are quite gaunt.

Don Rickles would have been at home at any Embassy,

While Russians rig our Facebook news with snide impunity.

ENCORE:

An Australian filmmaker accused of spying in Cambodia
has called upon the federal government to defend his right
to free speech after a Phnom Penh court postponed
James Ricketson’s appeal for bail.

“Journalism is not a crime. I have the right to free
speech under the Cambodian constitution. I’d like
to think the Australian government would defend
my right to free speech.”

From the Guardian

Reporters should never assume

That they are immune from the doom

Of penalties for

The breaching of lore

That governments smell like perfume.

Colleges Brace for Tumult

 in 2018 as White Supremacists Demand a Stage

The freedom to say what you please

Belongs to the birds and the bees;

There’s nothing too wrong

With buzz or bird song --

But humans employ too much sleaze.

Arizona’s G.O.P.

Senators Assail Trump

for His Attacks on

the Press

The next endangered species is the journalist, I fear;

She isn’t very likely to survive another year.

Slaughtered by the dozens and detested by most folk,

There’s no one wants to listen to Cassandra's like her croak.

Presidents and dictators revile her occupation,

While penny pinching publishers do plan for her castration.

Bison made a comeback on the brink of their extinction,

But journalists will probably not have such a distinction.

If you’d like to save one in the wild, I recommend

A newspaper subscription for yourself and for a friend.

Otherwise reporters, like the aurochs and the dodo,

Will fold their tents and steal away, and ever be a no show.