The Plain Unvarnished Truth

. . . he that prophesieth, let him prophesy to the

understanding of men; for the Spirit speaketh the

truth and lieth not.

Jacob. Chapter Four. Verse 13.

The plain unvarnished truth is hard to come by nowadays.

Our tender ears crave fluffy reassurance and smooth praise.

And if there is a whisper of reproach, we turn around

To prophesy the wicked soon will topple to the ground.

Help me, O Lord, to know the truth from thy sweet spirit pure,

And not embroider it or take it on a long detour!

look between the blurs

look between the blurs

to see the sharp focus gone

missing the night

inside the red, black

inside the red, black.

inside the black, a white blank.

inside my heart, who? 

between thee and me

between thee and me

are icy miles of chasm

that need pondering

Keep Paddling!

Dallin H. Oaks

“To move upstream toward our eternal goal, we must

constantly keep paddling.”     Dallin H. Oaks.

When the current is against you, just keep paddling my friend.

Paddle through the white water, around the choppy bend.

Row as you have never rowed when giving up seems wise;

Such so-called ease is just the devil in a smooth disguise.

If you show determination as you stroke your way

You will find a host of helpers cheering from the quay.

Be that good example of bright fortitude, and then

You can pull through moral muck while in this mortal fen.

Keep paddling, keep paddling; keep gaining on the world!

Past the rapids and the snags and sneering faces curled.

A crew of angels is at hand to strengthen your intent

To bypass ev’ry folly and all panic circumvent!

Today is national "Turn Your Bus Stop Bench Around" Day

April 25th has been officially declared national "Turn Your Bus Stop Bench Around" day in the United States. The new holiday was conceived to celebrate the impact of those who have turned things backwards, making them useless. Banks, schools, and haberdasheries will close early, and the USPS will be leaving jelly donuts inside every mailbox.  

uferdig

there is no end;

only ending.

Truth

And it came to pass that many means were

devised to reclaim and restore the Lamanites

to the knowledge of the truth; but it all was vain,

for they delighted in wars and bloodshed, and

they had an eternal hatred against us, their

brethren. And they sought by the power

of their arms to destroy us continually.

Jacob. Chapter Seven. Verse 24.

The truth is a hard thing to share

With those who just think it’s hot air.

They say it’s a trick,

Or simply are thick;

They’d rather make war than try prayer.

How to become Better Organized

We all want to be more organized. To accomplish more with our time, and so to have more of it to appreciate the finer things in life. But between careers and families and the many other obligations we have, it’s hard to concentrate and find ways to manage our time more efficiently. As someone who has managed his time so efficiently that he now has the leisure to be the neighborhood buttinsky, I humbly offer these salient tips:

1.  Always have a goal. Such as “Take a nap” or “Eat more Cheetos." This will help you focus on your immediate needs, instead of some far away and nebulous dream like “Go to College” or “Get a job”.

2.  Keep the TV on. Studies show that people who are bombarded with idiotic drivel 24/7 tend to have a high tolerance for pain. So if you accidentally puncture your thumb with the stapler you won't have to waste any time at the ER; you can just keep working while moping up the blood with a kleenex until it stops bleeding.

3.  Personal hygiene! Don’t let it slide. When you are filing your taxes take time out to bite your fingernails to the nub. When you finish them you’ll be able to leave a little blood on the forms – maybe the IRS will feel sorry for you and double your refund. Hah!

4.  Drop all your friends. They’re only distractions. You should, however, increase the number of your enemies; they’ll keep you on your toes.

5.  Do two things at once. Like writing a blog and tossing lit matches at open gasoline cans at the same time . . . whoops, there goes the garage.

6.   Keep a bowl of bran flakes at your desk. Throw them at people who look like they want to talk to you.

7.  Revert to the Julian calendar. You’ll automatically gain 22 days that the Gregorian calendar abolished back 1582.

8.  Color code your fingers. Make your thumb blue, your index finger green, your middle finger red, your ring finger white, and your pinky black. Only use one color per day. This saves wear and tear on your digits so you can wiggle them faster and longer than anybody else.

9.  Use note cards. Along with a comb they make a swell kazoo. By the time you can play Flight of the Bumble Bee you’ll find that there’s very little left in your life to organize.

10.  Learn to delegate. Tell your spouse to take out the trash, your boss to write his own reports, and give complete strangers all your spare cash to invest for you. You’ll be surprised at the results. Not pleased, just surprised.

11.  Live in your closet. That way when you want something that’s in your closet you just have to reach for it. No more tedious hikes, or interaction with the human race – those unorganized wretches!

How to be a better Parent

Being a parent is not only a fulltime job, it is a holy calling akin to being crowned Pope, and a sentence of penal servitude with no time off for good behavior. There are good days, and there are bad days, but mostly there are just days – they start to blend into each other like the mashed potatoes and peas on your child’s plate which he or she refuses to eat because they look so yucky. Sociologists have broken parenthood down into six separate stages. We thought you might find them useful to know:

1. Joy: The very first stage of parenthood is joy. You’re going to have a baby! Everyone is notified; baby showers are given; there are sly nudges and innuendoes about what goes into the process of making a baby. Then the baby comes, and you videotape it to show to all your friends and family. Nobody’s baby ever looked this charming or gave more evidence of budding genius, and hand/eye coordination. The kid is definitely going places, and you two are responsible for it all! Without a sip of alcohol, you remain giddy for days and weeks.
2. Despair: Don’t babies ever sleep? Does the pooping ever stop? What fiend invented the lie that breastfeeding is natural and simple? Exhausted and sore, with every emotion wrung out of you like a wet rag, you can only gasp for air before going down for the third time. This child cannot be normal; no one human being can be this cruel, demanding, smelly, and loud. Lemme look at the warranty on this kid . . .
3. Acceptance: The child grows and you find that you haven’t died of exhaustion or heart attack, and you haven’t wigged out with mental stress. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all . . . other people manage to do it, and they are lot less prepared than we are! Of course, it’s gonna cost a fortune to raise him or her properly, and there goes that backpacking trip through Nepal we promised ourselves when we got married. Oh well, everyone says that the time goes by fast when you’ve got one kid to raise. We’ll just tough it out until the kid can be left alone and then we’ll still take that hike up Mount Everest.
4. You’re WHAT!? I thought we agreed on only one . . . how can you . . . why did you . . . when did we . . . ? Okay, okay, okay . . . I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m soooooo sorry. The first one was just a dry run. This time there’ll be no surprises. What if it’s twins . . . ?
5. Veterans: You’ve seen it all, heard it all, and wiped it all. They turn into tweens and then teens and then young adults (What a misnomer THAT is!) They move out and then move back in and then move out again, and suddenly there are little strangers running between your legs and you’re grandparents. How did that happen? Who gave them permission to grow up and start repeating all the mistakes we made?
6. Aren’t you Peggy? No? Well, where’s Peggy? Is she late? Can I have dinner now? Whaddya mean it’s too early? Don’t use that tone of voice with me; I can remember when you, when you...who ARE you? I’d like to take a nap now, please...