How to be a better Parent

Being a parent is not only a fulltime job, it is a holy calling akin to being crowned Pope, and a sentence of penal servitude with no time off for good behavior. There are good days, and there are bad days, but mostly there are just days – they start to blend into each other like the mashed potatoes and peas on your child’s plate which he or she refuses to eat because they look so yucky. Sociologists have broken parenthood down into six separate stages. We thought you might find them useful to know:

1. Joy: The very first stage of parenthood is joy. You’re going to have a baby! Everyone is notified; baby showers are given; there are sly nudges and innuendoes about what goes into the process of making a baby. Then the baby comes, and you videotape it to show to all your friends and family. Nobody’s baby ever looked this charming or gave more evidence of budding genius, and hand/eye coordination. The kid is definitely going places, and you two are responsible for it all! Without a sip of alcohol, you remain giddy for days and weeks.
2. Despair: Don’t babies ever sleep? Does the pooping ever stop? What fiend invented the lie that breastfeeding is natural and simple? Exhausted and sore, with every emotion wrung out of you like a wet rag, you can only gasp for air before going down for the third time. This child cannot be normal; no one human being can be this cruel, demanding, smelly, and loud. Lemme look at the warranty on this kid . . .
3. Acceptance: The child grows and you find that you haven’t died of exhaustion or heart attack, and you haven’t wigged out with mental stress. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all . . . other people manage to do it, and they are lot less prepared than we are! Of course, it’s gonna cost a fortune to raise him or her properly, and there goes that backpacking trip through Nepal we promised ourselves when we got married. Oh well, everyone says that the time goes by fast when you’ve got one kid to raise. We’ll just tough it out until the kid can be left alone and then we’ll still take that hike up Mount Everest.
4. You’re WHAT!? I thought we agreed on only one . . . how can you . . . why did you . . . when did we . . . ? Okay, okay, okay . . . I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m soooooo sorry. The first one was just a dry run. This time there’ll be no surprises. What if it’s twins . . . ?
5. Veterans: You’ve seen it all, heard it all, and wiped it all. They turn into tweens and then teens and then young adults (What a misnomer THAT is!) They move out and then move back in and then move out again, and suddenly there are little strangers running between your legs and you’re grandparents. How did that happen? Who gave them permission to grow up and start repeating all the mistakes we made?
6. Aren’t you Peggy? No? Well, where’s Peggy? Is she late? Can I have dinner now? Whaddya mean it’s too early? Don’t use that tone of voice with me; I can remember when you, when you...who ARE you? I’d like to take a nap now, please...