Apparently, Hosting the Oscars is a Career Killer -- Too Discouraged to Look for Work -- And You Thought Roller Derbies Were Just a Sitcom Cliche --

Jimmy Kimmel, who hosted the past two years, did not want to do it again, according to this source, in part because he was told the academy did not think the everyman-type comedy he did on the show — including surprising people at a nearby movie theater by showing up with Gal Gadot, Mark Hamill and other stars and handing out snacks — was prestigious enough for the broadcast.   by Josh Rottenberg for the LATimes.

Who will host the Oscars; it's a death knell for careers.

Comedians who do it are berated by their peers.

The prestige is tremendous but the burden is immense;

it's driven men and women to go live in goat hair tents.

Perhaps an algorithm from the Google people might

do the trick -- Alexa does not suffer from mike fright.

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. . . workers too discouraged to search for a job . . . ticked up to 7.6 percent in November . . . 

by Patricia Cohen for the NYT  

I've given up the search for work; rejection makes me blue.

That cardboard box with dumpster near has got a pleasant view.

Maybe I'm an addict or a victim of divorce;

whatever caused my 'liberty' is now a major force.

The wind is always cold upon my back and I'm ashamed

to wear this MAGA cap because I think I have been framed.

I'd rather search for meaning than employment anytime;

how about a dollar, pal -- okay, I'll take a dime . . . 

************************************

Roller derby dates to the 1930s in the U.S., and eventually all-female teams found an American audience in much of the past century. A renaissance of the sport surfaced in Austin, Texas, during the early 2000s.   by Nina Adam for the WSJ.

An evening watching women skate

around a rink in armor plate

and shoving with demented glee

is not the ideal date for me.

A Caspar Milquetoast, I confess;

such brute force causes me distress.

I'd rather stroll in gardens sweet

than view grim females in dead heat.

But I could use 'em, I admit,

when on the subway I would sit.

They'd clear a path and gladly beat

those bums who always take my seat!

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Everyone is Guilty Down in Washington DC -- John F. Kelly Goes Belly Up -- Nuclear Calculus -- Make America Blush Again.

Mueller has obtained charges or guilty pleas from 33 individuals so far, and five of Trump’s former aides have pleaded guilty to various charges.  by Chris Megerian for the LATimes 

Ev'ryone is guilty down in Washington DC

and mighty Mueller sees to it they fess up prettily.

If you speak some Russian or enjoy a vodka shot

he will have you at the bar and trembling, like as not.

You might as well admit your guilt before he comes a-knockin',

cuz willy-nilly prison gates on you will soon be lockin'.

Don't try to flee the country; he can reach you anywhere

(unless, of course, you are an uncorrupted billionaire.)

If he were after me I wouldn't waste time being sore;

I'd hie me to the nearest Embassy of Ecuadore --

and there, like Mr. Julian, I'd stay forevermore!

*********************************

In addition, John F. Kelly, the White House chief of staff, is likely to leave his post in the next few days, ending a tumultuous 16-month tenure still among the longest for a senior aide to Mr. Trump, two people with direct knowledge of the developments said Friday.  by Maggie Haberman and Charlie Savage for the NYT.

Auf Wiedersehen dear Kelly, we hear you're stepping down
to seek a new career path as grinning circus clown.
Au revoir, you quitter; when Trump now needs you most
you let his temper tantrums just scare you like a ghost.
Adios, muchacho, and may you find the peace
that passeth understanding where politics do cease.
Addio, my soldier, who served for many moons
as a punching bag for so many media goons.
Ha det, and don't forget those who still remain behind
and slowly lose their marbles in that turgid White House grind.


****************************************

Meanwhile, warming inter-Korean relations are complicating the nuclear calculus.  by Andrew Jeong for the WSJ

eeny meeny miney mo --
who will north korea show
it can bomb most anyplace
or send nukes to outerspace
and will trump pretend to see
any peaceful harmony
from mad hatters in pyongyang
who believe in the BIG BANG.

****************************************

His company’s success is an example of the way politics, patriotism and commerce have converged in the Trump era. Most of Merritt’s bestselling designs reflect a sort of love-it-or-leave-it patriotism that Trump touts at his rallies. “Stomp my flag and I’ll stomp your ass,” says one popular T-shirt. Others capi­tal­ize on the news and frequently echo GOP talking points or Trump’s Twitter feed.

by Greg Jaffe for the Washington Times 

Talk about the wearing of your heart upon your sleeve,

people put their passions now on t-shirts -- you believe?

Just like bumper stickers, the vox populi insist

on showing with their t-shirt just how much they're really pissed.

Oh give me ancient Egypt where the hieroglyphics stood --

and no one had the stamina to chisel a falsehood!

**********************************

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Arrest 'Em -- It's 9 p.m.; do you know where your goat is? -- The War on Santa

The arrest of a top executive at one of the most successful Chinese global companies threatens to upend a delicate detente between the U.S. and China in its months-long trade war.

Meng Wanzhou, deputy chairwoman and chief financial officer of telecommunications giant Huawei, was arrested Saturday during a transit stop at a Vancouver airport and could face possible extradition to the U.S. and an appearance in federal court in New York.   by Robyn Dixon & David Pierson in the LATimes. 

China has ambitions for technology; they steal

as much of it as possible from underneath our heel.

And so with misdirection, as Trump chats up their new Mao,

we sneak up on their technocrats to throw in our hoosegow.

Wars have started for much less, and certainly we need

another war about as much as English worsted tweed.

*******************************

UNITED STATES AIR FORCE ACADEMY — The mules are locked down. The goats are in an undisclosed location. With the Army-Navy football game coming up this Saturday, West Point and Annapolis are at Threat Level Red — for their mascots.  by Dave Philipps for the NYT.

Instead of stealing goat or mule

why don't they take that darn old fool

that in the White House sits all day

and keeps coherence far away?

He's a mascot of the fear

that's ruining our own country dear;

so put him in a barn somewhere --

and keep him out of all our hair!

**********************************

Move over, war on Christmas; it’s time to fight the war on Santa. This yuletide predicament is not isolated to New Jersey. During the Cape Coral Festival of Lights in Florida, a man with a large sign walked around shouting “There’s no Santa Claus!” Actors Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell told Us Weekly that they decided to inform their daughters, ages 3 and 5, that Santa is “pretend.” And on Fox News this week, Sean Hannity made the tension a topic of debate on two separate segments.  by Katie Mettler for the Washington Post. 

So many souls are shriveled and they want to share their bile

with others quite defenseless 'gainst their irritating guile.

They rage about Kris Kringle, and refuse to recognize

that Father Christmas lives inside the heart and soul and eyes

of children all across the globe who need a happy cause

to celebrate their innocence -- like good old Santa Claus!

A figure of goodwill and joy, and elfin jubilee;

he represents our yearning for complete felicity.

So let the children have the hope that somewhere in the sky

a blithesome figure knows their name and loves them at first try.

And may this hope in little minds turn into firm belief

that giving unto others is the finest cure for grief.

Traditional Christmas Song Banned from Airwaves for Encouraging Rape -- California Republicans are Irrelevant -- The Art of the Apology

Cleveland radio station WDOK decided last week to remove the classic song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” from its holiday rotation over lyrics that, through a #MeToo lens, now seem a little rape-y.  by Libby Hill in the LATimes

The Holiday season begins

with cleaning up gender-based sins.

Old classics of song,

if they hint at wrong,

are stuck full of feminist pins.

***********************

LOS ANGELES — The California Republican Party — a once dominant power in the nation’s largest state, the party of Earl Warren, Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan — is teetering on the brink of irrelevance.

by Adam Nagourney in the NYT

I want to vote Republican, but they have left the state.

Amazon will ship me some, but I can't pay the freight.

For following that Awful Man in Washington DC

Republicans have been reduced to bleak obscurity.

I guess I'll start a Party of my own next time I vote

and run on any platform that will grow a big banknote.

************************************

Wells Fargo & Co. is firing around three dozen district managers for oversight failures related to a sales scandal that erupted in its retail bank more than two years ago, according to people familiar with the matter.   by Emily Glazer in the WSJ

Overzealous managers who stretched the truth a bit

have lost their cushy banking jobs as morally unfit.

I'd like to offer up myself for one of those swell jobs,

because I won't do nothin' that will irritate the mobs.

I'll sit upon my leather chair and do nothing with panache; 

wear a silken necktie and spout nothing but pure bosh.

A model manager I can become with little push,

avoiding controversy as I sit upon my tush.

********************************

So why issue a long and drawn-out public apology, a year after the fact? 

by Antonia Noori Farzan in the Washington Post

The art of the apology consists in going long

with a list of cliches that are struck like Chinese gong.

A lengthy mea culpa will dilute the controversy

until the public in despair will grant a tired mercy.

************************

Those Wacky California Pension Laws -- Facebook -- That Damn Wall Again -- Are We Deporting Our Own Soldiers?

The case argued Wednesday involved a challenge to a 2012 law that took away an opportunity for state employees to pay a fee to tack an extra five years onto their work history.

California legislators created the opportunity for “air time” — so called because the employee does not actually work — for pension calculations in 2003. Workers had to have at least five years of state service to take advantage of it.  LATimes 

I'd like an air time pension, cuz I want to loaf about --

why should I slave away at work until I am worn out?

If legislators wanna give me gravy for my train

I'll take it very gladly with no scruple and no strain.

In fact I say they should increase this airy benefit

so after one week on the job I can just up and quit.

*********************************

LONDON — Facebook used the mountains of data it collected on users to favor certain partners and punish rivals, giving companies such as Airbnb and Netflix special access to its platform while cutting off others that it perceived as threats.   NYT

Facebook hasn't got a clue

when it comes to counting coup.

They think scalps around their belt

will increase their hankered gelt.

And they hand out bribes like sweets

(I'd like to see their balance sheets.)

Money and position are

their one and only guiding star.

************************

WASHINGTON—Negotiations over President Trump’s demand for $5 billion in border wall funding have injected tension between some House and Senate Democrats and added a new wrinkle to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s quest to become speaker in January.  WSJ

That Wall is getting in my hair.

That Wall seems to be everywhere.

It's on TV; it's in the Times;

it's creeping into all my rhymes!

Although unbuilt, that Wall is real;

it's in my head like some brain eel.

It causes shut-downs and despair;

how did it get so doctrinaire?

I wouldn't mind a ditch or trench --

but that damn Wall's a monkey wrench!

*************************************

The U.S. soldier was ready to deploy across the world at a moment’s notice, but when the orders came down weeks ago to mobilize on the southern border, it sparked a flash of concern.

He knew the mission was in support of border agents combing harsh borderland terrain to arrest anyone unlawfully in the country.

People like him.

“I’m an illegal immigrant,” the Chinese-born soldier told The Washington Post by phone.

The enemy is bureaucrats

who have the brains of simple gnats

and move so slow on keen requests

to be a citizen, not guests.

The Army now is full of troops

who'd gladly jump through fiery hoops

to be a citizen and serve

their new country without reserve.

Our promises to them we skirt

and hide behind the Trump stuffed shirt.

Old Uncle Sam must shed a tear

to see such soldiers disappear.

Retirement Makes Millionaires of LA Cops -- Trump Tweets Terrorize Traders -- Don't Mess With Dixie Delusions

The controversial retirement program that pays Los Angeles police and firefighters their salaries and pensions simultaneously at the end of their careers has not been “cost-neutral” — as was promised to voters when they approved it in 2001.

That’s the conclusion of a study called for by Mayor Eric Garcetti and City Council members earlier this year after a Times investigation found that more than 1,200 participants who entered the Deferred Retirement Option Plan had then taken injury leaves at essentially twice their usual pay.

LATimes

The city of Los Angeles is bankrupt -- here's the reason:

their pension plan for officers is monetary treason.

With paydays that you cannot get outside of Vegas, chum,

it's certain a retired cop cannot become a bum.

In fact, they've gamed the system so when they're put out to graze

they can afford to sleep on beds of truffles Lyonnaise.

 *********************************

Stocks around the world tumbled on Wednesday, a day after Mr. Trump posted a series of messages on Twitter warning that a fragile cease-fire in the trade war between the United States and China could be derailed. The declines in Asia and Europe came after stocks on Wall Street fell more than 3 percent on Tuesday.    NYT

A trader on Wall Street bemoaned

the fact that he was getting boned

by tweets from the Chief

without much relief --

his yacht purchase must be postponed.

*************************************

According to the gospel of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, President Abraham Lincoln ordered an invasion of the breakaway states not as a crusade for natural rights but to keep the union intact and perpetuate the federal government’s economic bullying of the South. As for human bondage, the practice had been dying organically worldwide, and, in due course, it would have ended in Dixie without bloodshed — incrementally, in a reasonable manner . . . . .                    Washington Post

Dixie is a state of mind

that to history is blind.

Slavery a mere footnote;

state's rights was the true scapegoat.

When you hear a rebel yell,

duck your head and run like hell --

for the Dixie-crats are out,

marching proud (though most have gout.)

*****************************

If the world hopes to make meaningful progress on climate change, it won’t be enough for cars and factories to get cleaner. Our cows and wheat fields will have to become radically more efficient, too.

Brad Plumer in the NYT

to grow food on less and less land
there's one thing we must understand:
to tinker with genes
until our green beans
are grown and picked already canned.

*************************************

The Straw that Broke LA's Back -- Back to the Old Arms Race -- First Romaine, Now Ground Beef

The city of Los Angeles took a step Tuesday toward limiting the availability of single-use plastic straws in restaurants, joining the state and a slew of smaller cities that have approved similar restrictions.

The measure, which was approved by the City Council 12-0, asks for an ordinance to be drafted that requires all dining establishments to give out plastic straws only by request, and studies a complete ban in the future.

LATimes

The plastic straw now enters ranks

of things for which we don't give thanks.

Pariah, indeed;

much worse than a weed --

with lips we'll now sip like real cranks.

**************************************

Mr. Pompeo said the U.S. would be free to develop and test a range of weapons if Russia failed to meet the deadline. He said Russia was in “flagrant violation” of the accord, citing cruise-missile tests as an example. Moscow has denied breaching the accord.   WSJ

The Big Boys like to play with bombs; it's no fun to be hobbled.

And so they take their marbles home, and amity has wobbled.

It's not enough that global warmth is threatening the planet;

these juggernauts prepare for war -- their heads are made of granite.

Perhaps some race from Planet X will to our rescue come,

and shrink these darn warmongers to a pack of chewing gum.

*********************************

Authorities expanded a nationwide recall of raw beef products on Tuesday after hundreds of people fell ill from salmonella infection.

Washington Post

A hamburger rare is no sin.

But tainted, it might do you in.

They're recalling beef

-- the same old motif --

and notifying all next of kin.

***********************