So my fiance Alice and I went to
this good luck bog in Ohio,
where couples throw in an old shoe
or boot to bring good luck to their
marriage.
*
The place was a tourist trap,
of course; but both of us like
chintzy and quaint things.
We didn't have a shoe or boot
to toss into the bog; we threw in
a six pack of Mountain Dew.
*
Then a strange thing happened.
The mist hanging over the bog congealed
into human form and addressed us thus:
"I am the Spirit of the Bog. Come with
me, you foolish mortals, and see
what your thoughtless actions have
done to the future!"
Then she tapped each of us on the
head with a mop handle, transporting
us hundreds of years into the future.
*
Then we saw that our six pack of
Mountain Dew, combining with the tanin
in the sphagnum moss, had slowly vaporized
into a psychotropic gas that made people
believe they were monarch butterflies.
Hundreds, then thousands, of people migrated
to Mexico, where they perished from a lack
of nectar.
*
This in turn led Mexico to declare war
against the United States. Being the
weaker nation, Mexico hired Taliban
mercenaries from Afghanistan and
Communist mercenaries from North Korea.
*
The ensuing slaughter was terrible.
No one was left on the North American
continent except the Inuit way up North,
who had hid in the bog myrtle.
*
When we were returned to our own time
the Spirit of the Bog returned our six pack
to us and disappeared.
We drank the Mountain Dew and
threw Alice's mother into the bog instead.
It was the organic thing to do.
