Verses from Stories in Today's Washington Post -- He was acting drunk but swore he was sober. Turns out his stomach was brewing its own beer. -- A hunter was fatally gored by the deer he thought he killed, officials say -- Rats are capable of driving tiny cars, researchers found. It eases their anxiety.

"How dry I am" the stomach cries,

and so creates a big surprise.

It manufactures its own booze,

which complicates the daily cruise.

So if a cop pulls you aside,

just say "It's auto-brewery, Clyde!"

@marisa_iati

***************************

Beware of hunting deer that fake

their demise, so they can take

a swipe at you with antlers sharp --

and send you off to play the harp.

@TheArtist_MBS

*************************

It's a rat race out there, folks --

and I ain't just a-tellin' jokes.

In tiny cars the rodents swerve

around our feet and take a curve

at eighty-plus, and when they crash

they make Allstate pay out in cash.

@lateshiabeachum

The heart holds treasure

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
3 Nephi 13:21

The heart holds treasure in a vise

that may be foolish, may be wise.

If worldly prizes I desire,

they lead my heart into the mire.

But when my trove of treasure glows

with gospel light, 'tis as a rose --

sweet smelling and delightsome, oh!

 No vault can hold such great cargo. 

Verses from stories in today's New York Times -- Government Loophole Gave Oil Companies an $18 Billion Windfall -- The Student Vote Is Surging. So Are Efforts to Suppress It. -- Trump Administration Moves to Lift Protections from Delta Smelt and Divert Water to Farms

Drilling an oil well is tricky.

In government waters it's sticky;

so no royalty

is charged, naturally --

in these things you can't be nitpicky.

@HirokoTabuchi

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Republicans are leery of the college student vote;

they usually vote Democrat, which really gets their goat.

And so those sly Republicans are making it too hard

for busy students to depart away from their schoolyard.

It's easier for soldiers who are fighting in Iraq

to vote in an election than for kids with a backpack.

@miwine

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The delta smelt no longer is endangered anymore.

It now is self sufficient and had better learn to roar.

The water that it lives in is now needed to baptize

the orchards of nut farmers for our almond milk supplies.

So if you are a delta smelt and want to keep on living,

I'd recommend to lobbyists a lot of money giving.

@CoralMDavenport

Verses from Stories in Today's Washington Post -- Trump’s favorite venue for making news is right in front of the presidential chopper -- Health-care system causing rampant burnout among doctors, nurses -- Argentina’s economy is collapsing. Here come the Peronistas, again.

When you are the President you think it only proper

to answer questions from the press in front of your own chopper.

If there is a question you don't like to recognize,

you simply do not hear it while the blades tear up the skies.

Of course it's windy underneath those whirling blades of steel;

but it becomes a hurricane when Trump begins his spiel.

But all that talking's wasted; it would really be a boon

if Trump replaced the chopper with a nice hot air balloon.

@farhip

************************************

My doctor's always tired; the nurse is sleepy, too.

Even the receptionist is looking kinda blue.

They're working many hours to keep my health robust;

but they are now so understaffed they crumble like pie crust.

Dear doctor, hit the golf links; kind nurse, go on a toot --

as long as I have Medicare you'll always get your loot!

@thewanreport

******************************************

Way down in Argentina, where beef was always cheap,

the Peronistas hanker in office back to creep.

They love the common people, and always subsidize

utilities and wages (while telling whopping lies.)

Austerity don't cut it; the gauchos think the past

of easy money and the bribe should be returned at last.

Once crooks have been in office, they never go extinct;

voters are forgetful even when they've been hoodwinked!

@Anthony_Faiola

Commit thy way unto the Lord

Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
Psalm 37:5

Help me to fly straight as an arrow,

my focus unflagging and narrow,

when serving thee, Lord --

thy grace my reward --

disdaining the bombast of pharaoh.

Break every yoke

Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
Isaiah 58:6

I saw a man against a wall; he had no place to go.
The wind was sharp; the darkness damp; I did not stop or slow. 
Our eyes met not. He didn't speak. He huddled in a heap
that told of desperation and of things that made him weep.
My errand was a pressing one; I had no cash on me.
And so his yoke remained unbroke as I passed hurriedly.
(Will fasting ever help me be less like the Pharisee?)

Henry David Throckmorton

I asked the man in front of me: "Pardon me, but are you Henry David Throckmorton?"
He turned and gave me a big friendly smile.
"Yes I am" he said. Then we all moved forward in the line.
"I just wanna say I'm a great admirer of your work with displaced dental hygienists" I told him. 
"Not at all" he replied modestly. "It was the only decent thing to do at the time." 
The line had stalled again. And it began to rain. Mr. Throckmorton held out his hand for my ticket.
"Let me have that" he said. "I'll take care of it."
I handed him my ticket and he simply went to the head of the line and brought back a full pound of hemmy for me.
"But I was only slated to receive half a pound" I protested.
"Not a problem" he replied, with a mote in his eye, "sometimes being famous has its advantages. Shall we go  have some iced tea?"
So I sat down with the famous, wonderful Henry David Throckmorton at a tea shop in the middle of a heavy downpour. He drank nothing but distilled water with a lemon slice in it; I had ginger/ginseng herbal tea. His treat, of course. I was so nervous that I put three packets of sugar in my tea, instead of my usual one packet.
"I have to ask you something, sir" I said to him nervously. "I hope you won't take it the wrong way."
"Fire away -- and don't call me sir; only Lieutenant Generals at the Pentagon do that" he replied graciously.
"Well, okay" I gulped. "From what I've noticed, and read, every famous person eventually turns into an obsessed lunatic and becomes at the very least a nuisance and as often as not actually becomes dangerous. Where are you right now on that curve?"
Mr. Throckmorton chuckled deeply and warmly before answering.
"Son" he said, clapping me on the shoulder, "I like you -- you're not afraid to speak your mind. That's very rare in a young man these days."
I began to blush.
"To answer your question" he continued. "Ever since I negotiated that ceasefire in Alaska I've noticed the beginnings of a crazed look in my eyes when I shave in the morning. I also talk to myself when I'm alone at my office in Manhattan. And I now carry a fountain pen filled with white vinegar, in case of an attempt on my life. So I'd say I'm about a four on the Cuckoo Scale. Eccentric, but not yet dangerous."
"Gee" I said, "that's swell of you to tell me."
"Why shouldn't I?" he replied. "The public needs to know their heroes are not supermen or deities; we're subject to all sorts of encumbrances like Tic Douloureux, or a fear of wimples. If you prick us, do we not yell?"
The rain was really coming down hard now outside the tea shop. An elderly couple were trapped inside their car out on the curb by the rushing stream of water roaring past them in the gutter.
"But tell me, my friend" Mr. Throckmorton continued, "what is a handsome young man like you doing standing in line for a measly half a pound of hemmy?"
I flushed up again like a fire hydrant.
"My . . . my mother needs it" I said quietly.
"Oh" he said, understandingly. "It's one of THOSE cases."
He took out a small black notebook and jotted something down in it. An awning collapsed across the street, enveloping several people sheltering under it before it was washed away in the rising flood.
"Would you like another glass of tea?" he asked kindly.
"Could I have a birch beer instead?" I asked.
"Of course. Waiter, make it so." he said confidently.  
As we sat and silently watched the wind outside rise to gale force and shatter several plate glass windows, I couldn't help admiring Mr. Throckmorton's delicate sense of noblesse oblige.
When I had finished my birch beer the great man stood up and shook my hand.
"Young feller" he said earnestly, "I've enjoyed our talk immensely. My gondola is calling for me now, and you are being left behind to most likely drown in this typhoon. Good luck to you!" 
So saying, he stepped out into the lashing rain and into his gondola, which sailed majestically away.
But as everyone knows, Henry David Throckmorton's gondola sank in that storm with all hands. I, on the other hand, managed to survive by clinging to a wooden produce crate. In six month's time I had written his hagiography, entitled "A Glass of Tea with H.D. Throckmorton." It's been a bestseller for months now. I've been on Oprah twice, and she's helping me raise funds for a reindeer sanctuary in Lapland. 
Nowadays I can step to the front of the line myself for hemmy -- and I can get two pounds of it if I want.
Can I tell you something? The hemmy isn't really for my mother -- it's for me.  

The Winter Chives are In.

The winter chives are in, at last. It was a close run thing, what with the plastic rain that smothered most of the fields for a week and then the hopscotch blight. But, praise be, we managed a good haul before the Winter Wanderers arrived. 
This is pretty good country around here, despite drawbacks like the Tickling Frenzy that takes some of the old folks each year, or the Bat Beast up on Craggy Ridge -- although he hasn't been seen in a number of years. Granny Holstein insists that the creature is hibernating, gaining strength for another swooping reign of terror. But we all just kind of laugh at her and throw her in the yeast trough when she gets like that.
Yessir, there's some mighty good country around here -- like up in the Woolly Hills, where the tree moss grows so thick and sweet you can gather enough for a mattress in a few hours, if the moss spiders don't get you first. Or over by the Dingle Dells, where the water crickets spring at your throat with such melodious sounds that it's  sheer pleasure to beat them off. And of course the River Musty is a great place for fishing, and hunting dew finches. You ever had a dew finch pie? Some of the best eating this side of the Ptomaine Mountains! It melts down your chin like cold lava.
Now some folks don't cotton much to the Winter Wanderers that come through here every year like rusty clockwork, but I say live and let live. Sure, they like to steal our potted ferns and rip up fence posts for their bonfires -- but who among us hasn't at some point enjoyed the roasted leaf sludge they so generously share? And their communal snoring is unsurpassed by anything even our trained musicians can produce -- no one denies that.
So what if they comb their beards in public and like to chew tin foil balls? Folks ought to remember that if the Bat Beast ever does come back, he always eats the Winter Wanderers first!
I hear tell that some of the young people are starting to complain that all we have to eat anymore is winter chives, and nothing else. Well, I can tell you that there's not an ounce of truth to that! Of course we live mostly on our winter chives -- it's the only thing that grows well around here after they set off that Nitrogen Bomb during the Alexa War. But once the noxious green clouds are swept out of the sky by the spring hurricanes and the Winter Wanderers are stampeded back across the Ashy Wastes there's God's own plenty to be gleaned and enjoyed by the industrious. Weevil nests make excellent soup. Spice rocks taste just like cinnamon and sugar, if you close your eyes and think about cinnamon and sugar real hard. A steaming bowl of warm yeast stew in the morning is just the thing to set you up for the rest of the day. And someday pretty soon someone will figure out how to pluck wieners off the wiener trees without getting impaled by the darting vicious roots. 
Life around here is getting better all the time, that's what I think. Why just the other day I heard tell that moths are returning to the county to the south of us. Such beautiful things, moths -- some of 'em have real intricate designs on their wings and when they float and hover around an oil lamp at night they seem to be dancing and you can almost hear 'em gently laughing at all our human problems that get us down. My maw remembers 'em from the Old Times. She's told me all about them. Even Granny Holstein starts grinning when she hears about the moths coming back. 
"If moths are here" she says, "can butterflies be far behind?"

For the poor shall never cease out of the land.

For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.
Deuteronomy 15:11

An open handed spirit is commanded by the Lord;

a cheerful giver will be blessed for sharing what he's stored.

Poverty and want are never far from any door;

fatness in an instant can become a lean eyesore.

While I've got to give, O Lord, please help me not to judge,

but share with those whose painful road I someday too may trudge!

And they shall be my people

 I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Jeremiah 31:33

Place thy law into my heart and fill it full of zeal.

Emblazon it upon my bowels that I may learn to heal.

For strangers have I in the past allowed to squat inside

my innermost resolvings, who then left behind blind pride.

What though the world should be my pet or want me to conform;

thy word alone from this time forth shall shelter me from storm!