Saturday, February 24, 2018

My Grandpa Gagne -- The Family Villain

My grandfather Joseph Philippe Gagne, on the right. c. 1900


Joseph Philippe Gagne, my mother’s father, was French Canadian, from the Trois-Rivieres region of Quebec. “Gagne” means ‘farmer’ in French, and is a common name along the St. Lawrence River in Canada, where sturdy young men from France first came to trade furs with the Native Americans back in the 1630’s. Historians record that initially these young men were encouraged to marry Native American women, to settle down, convert their wives to Roman Catholicism, have large families, clear the dense forests, sow cabbage seeds, and milk goats. The idea had little appeal for most of these lusty young men, who prefered to continue tramping through the pristine wilderness to trade furs and take their fleeting pleasures where they might. Of my grandfather Gagne’s ancestors, very little concrete genealogy has been done; but his dusky skin tone hints, at least, that some of his forebears may have gone that route.

Then in 1666 the King of France decided to take a hand in matchmaking; under his auspices hundreds of women, some of them gentlewomen in distressed circumstances, some of them jailed Protestant heretics, and some just plain street walkers, were shipped off to New France, with instructions to behave themselves and get a man. When these Filles du Roi arrived in Quebec the authorities forbade any man under the age of thirty from leaving town as a voyageur until he could show he had an ‘understanding’ with one of these imported hoydens. These are the lily white ancestors my grandfather’s family decided to embrace. Not the street walkers, mind you, but most definitely the gentilshommes embarrasses.

I never met grandfather Gagne’s mother, but my own mother described her as a fearsome old battle axe, swathed in black bombazine, who boxed the ears of anyone suggesting that the Gagne family had anything but pure Gallic blood coursing through its veins. Even though, in my mother’s memorable words, she herself was “as brown as tobacco juice.”

As scion to a prosperous family of lumber and paper mill owners, grandfather Gagne undoubtedly could have had his pick of eligible mademoiselles. Indeed, prior to World War One, it was standard procedure for well to do French Canadian families to send their sons to fin de siecle France for a look see at distant female cousins in Brittany or Poitou. But grandfather Gagne chose instead to fall in love with the family maid, one Daisy Ellen Bedelle, from Swanscombe, Kent, England. And so a great drama began.

Having married Ms. Bedelle against his parent’s wishes, grandfather was treated as a pariah for consorting with the hired help; he and his new English bride were no longer welcome in the Gagne family circle. And so he took her to a new land. Minneapolis, Minnesota, in the USA. There were lumber and paper mills galore in Minneapolis back then, and he soon got on very well, first as a plant manager, and then, in a dazzling career move, as a top salesman for Pillsbury Flour.
Although I can find no proof of it in the annals of flour milling history, my mother always insisted that grandfather Gagne came up with a bleaching process for wheat flour that he sold to Pillsbury for a fabulous sum. A hundred years ago consumers craved flour completely denatured of any fiber or color (or nutrients.) Such deracinated powder made biscuits and bread so light and fluffy they nearly floated out the kitchen window. However it happened, grandfather Gagne had made his pile.

But alas, the voyageur strain in him meant that during his long, dull, sales trips around the Midwest, he had not been as chaste as he should have been. It turned out, according to my mother, that the old fourflusher had several paramours stashed away in cities like Chicago, Des Moines, and Milwaukee. Once the money began pouring in, grandfather Gagne up and left Daisy Ellen Bedelle, and their two children, flat. He settled in Chicago, with a former Ziegfeld Follies showgirl, to sample the delights of the Roaring Twenties.  A canny man with a dollar, he eschewed the shenanigans of the Stock Market and invested strictly in Windy City real estate and several lake resorts up in Wisconsin. So when the Great Depression hit, he remained comfortably solvent.

The same could not be said for Daisy and her two girls, Ruby and Evelyn. Apparently grandfather Gagne never sent a dime to help out the wife of his youth. They struggled along in a series of rented rooms in ‘Nordeast’ Minneapolis, often with no indoor plumbing -- mom and her older sister Ruby subsisting on slices of bread smeared with bacon grease and topped with scallions swiped from neighboring gardens. Poor grandmother Daisy worked in a sweatshop, sewing piecework, until she developed a hunched back that shortened her to a mere four foot ten, along with severe astigmatism -- so that when I knew her she appeared to be a little old lady permanently bent over, with huge glasses that slipped down her nose every time she laughed. And, strangely enough, I remember her laughing a lot. To me, a little boy very unsure of his place in his parent’s hearts, her smile was as warm and comforting as a Dairy Queen hot fudge sundae.

My mother, Evelyn, did not care to talk about her father to me and my sisters. I never actually met him. But since I was what used to be called a “little pitcher with big ears,” I overheard quite a bit about the old rascal and his family. One of his brothers choked to death on a fishbone during a shad fry in upstate New York -- and that’s why we never had any kind of fish in our home except for insipid fish sticks; there was too much danger of repeating a piscine asphyxiation.

A distant Gagne cousin also moved to Minneapolis about the same time as grandfather, to become a policeman. He did not approve of his cousin’s abandonment of his Minneapolis family, and helped grandmother Daisy with rent and groceries on his meager patrolman’s salary. His son found his service revolver in the closet one terrible day and accidentally killed himself with it. My older brother Bill was an avid hunter of ducks and deer, but as long as he lived at home he had to keep his hunting rifles at a friend’s house -- they were never to be seen in the house.

And then there was Verne Gagne, the wrestler. His exact connection with Joseph Philippe Gagne remains tenuous, outside of the same last name, but apparently he knew and liked both Joseph Phillippe and Daisy Gagne -- and when he hit the bigtime on the Dumont TV Network in the early 1950’s he always left several ringside seats for her when he played Minneapolis. Grandmother Daisy never went to see him wrestle, I gather, but collected and sold the tickets to help pay medical bills -- such as for my mother Evelyn, who suffered from a lingering case of polio well into her forties. As a baby I wasn’t walking by the age of two. Dad said I was just being lazy and liked being carried around. But grandmother Daisy scalped tickets for a bout between Verne Gagne and Gorgeous George to pay for my examination by a specialist, and then for the hand tooled orthopedic shoes he recommended I wear, since my feet were congenitally splayed. Within a month of putting them on I was happily running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

When grandfather Gagne died in 1961 neither my Aunt Ruby nor my mother went to the funeral. Nor did Daisy Ellen Bedelle Gagne, his first wife. The wake was held at a Lake Shore Drive chophouse in Chicago, and apparently continued for several days until Mayor Richard J. Daley called in the riot squad to break it up. His will was invalidated by the probate court after it was discovered he had been careless about legally divorcing each of his four wives prior to marrying the next one. He was technically a bigamist. But his only legitimate children were mom and Aunt Ruby, and so they hired a lawyer, traveled to Chicago, and came back with a nice chunk of change. Aunt Ruby used her money for a down payment on a large and gracious house out in Edina. Mom’s share, as I’ve written elsewhere, eventually financed my dad’s part interest in a disreputable drinkery called the Gay 90’s.


Friday, February 23, 2018

the Neptune Society of Salt Lake just tried to kill me

The grisly aftermath 



So I took the letter out of my mailbox this morning; junk mail from the Neptune Society of Salt Lake. I was on my way to the Provo Rec Center for a morning swim. Like a fool I inserted my left index finger into the fold to pull down and roughly open it.


And the overly stiff return envelope inside gave me a hellacious paper cut on the very tip of my finger:



I bled all over my freshly laundered shirt and pants as I dashed into the bathroom to initially wrap my bloody finger in winding sheets of tp until I got out the iodine and cotton gauze. I poured a pint of hydrogen peroxide over the still streaming wound, then bound it securely and taped it up with several band aids:



Now I can’t go swimming and I can barely type. My ceramic bathroom sink is stained a lurid pink. And all because those cursed poltroons, those ninnyhammers, at the Salt Lake Neptune Society HAD to send me idiotic literature about cremation:




I didn’t request the damn stuff, and I definitely DO NOT want to be reminded of my inevitable dissolution on a fine winter morning, when I was going to work out and then take the 850 bus on State Street to Rancheritos for a bacon & egg breakfast burrito (they’re huge; I only manage to eat half in one sitting, and save the other half for an early dinner -- just $5.95.)


Of course this is a small thing -- a mere blip and not even a ripple in the stream of passing life. But dammit, all I’ve got left are small things. The big things are all far behind me now. So is it so petty of me to wax wroth over this microscopic glitch in the cosmos?

You bet your sweet tuchas it’s not.

It’s time someone gave the bratty cosmos a swift kick in the pantaloons; and that someone is you and me.. Please, won’t you join me, the next time you blow out candles on your birthday cake or get the larger end of a chicken’s wishbone, in wishing the Neptune Society of Salt Lake and its entire mother loving staff be sent straight to perdition until Trump gets a crew cut?

Or just share this post until it goes viral . . .




(I've called their customer service line, which nobody answered, and left a blistering voicemail.)


******************************

I sent these appleknockers an email with this link, and here is their reply:

Hi Mr. Timothy,
My name is Oliver Fernandes and I’m the marketing analyst for the Neptune Society.
If you can provide me with your full mailing address, I will add your name to our Do Not Contact database.
I’m sorry for any inconvenience you might have received from our mailers.
We at the Neptune Society are passionate about helping each individual plan for their end-of-life arrangements at an affordable price.
But we also understand that not everyone is ready to make their pre-planning arrangements, so I’ll be more than happy to help you being removed from our mailing list.
Please reply to me at your earliest convenience.
Thank you,
Oliver Fernandes
Marketing Analyst
SCI Direct Inc.

Les résultats de mon test ADN d'Ancestry.com



Scandinavie 40%
 Norvège orientale
 Norvège centrale
 Europe de l'Ouest 26%
 Irlande / Ecosse / Pays de Galles 11%
 Péninsule Ibérique 10%
 Grande-Bretagne 8%

Thursday, February 22, 2018

The Birth of my Daughter Madelaine



You better cut it off” Larry Cardner warned me lugubriously, when I informed him that Amy and I were expecting our sixth child. Seeing as Larry was the owner and operator of the Cardner Shrine Circus, and I was employed by him as a clown, and we were in Polson, Montana, where the deer and the antelope might play but where there was no bus service, I refrained from telling him to go take a flying leap -- contenting myself instead with unplugging his electric cooler when he wasn’t looking so his daily Coors intake would be lukewarm.

I’m not exactly sure how this vignette ties in with the story I’m about to tell, except that I always liked making babies and enjoyed, for the most part, raising them. The birth of our first child, with its attendant hugger mugger, is an esteemed memory that I keep close to me -- like those rub on tattoos I found inside pieces of Bazooka bubblegum as a child.


In 1981 my former Mission President, Harvey Brown, missed our wedding reception in Salt Lake, so to make up for it he booked a hoity toity suite at the Hotel Utah for Amy and I at his own expense. And that is where, I firmly believe, our daughter Madelaine was conceived.

Approximately nine months later, towards the later part of May, we were living in Bottineau, North Dakota, where I was the news director at a brand new FM radio station -- KBTO. As a wedding present to Amy I had promised to give up my peregrinations with the circus for something stationary. Since the station’s broadcast area included the nearby Turtle Mountains, I began each newscast by saying “And now it’s the voice of the turtle from KBTO . . . “ I’m still cringing over that overripe piece of hokum today.

As the Memorial Day weekend approached Amy staggered through each muggy day with cheerful determination. The local pediatrician assured us the baby was in fine fettle, although we didn’t get an ultrasound, and so didn’t know the baby’s gender. The nearest ultrasound equipment was a hundred miles away, in Minot. As is the wont of pregnant women, Amy evinced some overpowering cravings, which I tried my best to assuage. She wanted red hot pickled sausages, so I stopped by one of the frowzy beer joints in Bottineau and paid an outlandish price for a half gallon bottle of Big Mama pickled sausage. She wept for a box of See’s Chocolates, made only in Salt Lake City -- so I called one of her sisters who lived in Utah to ship out a big box post haste.

And she sighed continually to go see her folks in Tioga, about 150 miles due west on Highway Two. I didn’t think it prudent to take her on such a long trip with the baby ready to bang out at any moment, but she was being such a good sport about the whole thing -- never a cross word or beetled brow -- that I told her we would leave Friday afternoon for Tioga and then come back late Sunday. The dj’s down at the station could just rip copy off the AP wire and read it for news while I was gone.

At this point I’d better make it clear that I didn’t drive. Didn’t know how. Didn’t care to learn. I walked or rode my bicycle. Or had Amy drive me. So she drove the whole way to her folk’s house in Tioga -- and then, not unnaturally, her water burst a few hours later.

Her mother and I rushed her up the street to the Tioga Hospital, where Dr. Patel was on call. It was a small rural hospital, and it had only 3 doctors. They were brothers, from India -- all named Patel. In the ensuing hubbub I could never remember which Dr. Patel had said what or done what. All I know is that Madelaine’s birth certificate shows the delivering physician to be Dr. Patel. If she wants to know which one she’ll have to hire Sherlock Holmes or Nero Wolfe to find out.

My conception of the birthing process, gleaned from old movies and trite television sitcoms, was that there would be about twenty minutes of discomfort, and then a baby would leap out, clean as a whistle, and with a lusty cry begin nursing and making adorable faces. Amy’s mother, who had had a dozen children herself, told me I’d better go get a magazine and settle in for a long, long night.

24 hours later I began to see what she meant. Amy was extremely slow to dilate. The nurses gave her castor oil to hurry things along, but that didn’t do anything except clean her out but good. I want to describe how dead on my feet I was at the time, but then I remember that it was Amy who was having all the hellish contraction pains for the past 24 brutal hours -- so I think I’ll just shut up about my own discomforts.

Finally, at around noon, with one last wavering scream of agony, Amy managed to push out our first child. A girl. Six pound, seven ounces. And completely covered with silky black hair.

“Gosh Almighty!” I yelled at Dr. Patel (don’t ask me which one.) “it’s an orangutan!”

“Not to worry” he soothed me. “Very common for first babies. It will all shed in a few hours.”

And, by golly, it did.

We brought Amy back to her parent’s house the next day, where it was determined she would stay and recuperate for a few days. Now the question became “How do we get that dumb husband of hers back to Bottineau to go to work?” I couldn’t drive myself, since I didn’t know how to drive. So it was decided that Amy’s younger brother Casey would be my chauffeur. He dutifully drove me back home in our blue Ford station wagon, and stayed for a few days cleaning out the refrigerator down to the grease spots on the enamel.

The next weekend Casey and I drove back to Tioga to pick up Amy and the baby. She drove the 150 miles back home while I held little Madel Paddle -- as we had started to call her. That night, as Amy and I gazed lovingly at her lying in her crib, Amy turned to me, squeezed my arm, and whispered:  “You are going to learn to drive or I am going to murder you.”  

And, by golly, I did.

De nouveaux parcs marins pour aider les Seychelles à rembourser leurs dettes internationales




Une nouvelle solution à la dette internationale est en train d'être tentée par les Seychelles, nation insulaire de l'océan Indien. Ce soi-disant paradis tropical, qui est dangereusement proche de la faillite de certains grands prêts bancaires internationaux, construit deux immenses parcs d'eau salée et en échange, ils négocient une bonne partie de leur dette nationale. Cet incroyable plan de financement environnemental est le premier du genre au monde. Une sorte de marge de manœuvre financière, le pays va échanger des reconnaissances de dette pour un sanctuaire stable et protégé pour les poissons tropicaux menacés et autres créatures marines - y compris, mais sans s'y limiter, tortues, thonidés, étoiles de mer, hippocampes, coraux, limaces et concombres . Un seul poisson sera définitivement exclu des deux parcs marins proposés - les requins. Les dirigeants économiques des Seychelles espèrent que l'afflux massif de touristes visitant le pays chaque année encouragera avec enthousiasme le projet et contribuera à restructurer la dette du pays en augmentant les droits d'entrée et les dons - ce qui, pour la plupart des citoyens des pays du être considéré comme une radiation d'impôt.

Les zones protégées autour de l'île d'Aldabra, déjà désignées par la Commission maritime des Nations Unies comme point de repère écologique, totaliseront plus de cent milles carrés et, une fois achevées, les parcs marins comprendront près de quinze pour cent de la superficie totale du pays.

L'idée originale de l'échange de dettes entre les parcs est venue de The Nature Conservancy, qui a déjà permis aux banques et à d'autres prêteurs de rogner cinq milliards de dollars de la dette nationale des Seychelles.

Ledes & Limericks. Thursday Februrary 22 2018




From Forbes.

When billionaires adopt the press
And so relieve their fiscal stress
Their motives are as pure as snow
(from Russian steppe or Wall Street floe.)


President Donald Trump on Thursday morning
called for arming select, highly trained, “weapons talented”
teachers to thwart mass school shootings,
arguing it would deter would-be “sicko” shooters.
 From the Wall Street Journal
Instructors who carry a gun
Will make sure that homework is done.
And students who plod
Are shown teacher’s rod,
So back to their books they will run!




The single most important thing you
can do for your family may be the
simplest of all: develop a strong family
narrative.  From the NYTimes
The stories that I tell my kids about their ancestry
Are breathtaking and apt to suffer from hyperbole.
And though my narratives would not hold up in court of law
They give my kids a sense of place and plenty of chutzpah!

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Ledes & Limericks. Wednesday February 21 2018



Toy appraisers predict Beanie Babies will
never make a comeback, since the 1990s
children—millennials—aren’t collecting like
generations before them.  From the Wall Street Journal.

If you are a part of that sect
That Beanies did fully collect,
I’m sorry to say
You’ve wasted your pay --
Your pension is probably wrecked!



It’s content reporters must write,
Not truth or to fight the good fight.
Publishers harry
Their writers to marry
A pandering style nice and bright.



KOREAN FOOD AT THE OLYMPICS IS ‘NASTY’
 from the NYTimes

I do not eat octopus raw.
And eomuk sticks in my craw.
Olympics be hanged,
I won’t be harangued

Into black seaweed coleslaw!

beauty is weightless




beauty is weightless
the color of balanced snow
above steaming streets


Tuesday, February 20, 2018

cold and soft the night




shadows form in mist
light sighs away into blue
cold and soft the night

Ledes & Limericks. Tuesday February 20 2018




When using the mouth, have a care
It’s not for some fool reckless dare,
Like making a breach
With too much free speech --
Which makes people think and then share.


It is hardly premature to ask, in this light, how the Trump
administration might manage the fallout from the economic
downturn that everybody knows will happen. Unfortunately,
the United States could hardly be less prepared.  From the NYTimes.

When hard times return with a bang
And hoboes can prowl like a gang,
It’s thankful I’ll be
For austerity
To stop the unceasing harangue.


Japanese millionaire dubbed the

‘baby factory’ dad just won custody

of 13 surrogate children  from the Washington Post

A baby or two is okay,
But too many get in the way.
This millionaire chap
Who’s taking the rap
For dozens is strictly horseplay