How to become Better Organized

We all want to be more organized. To accomplish more with our time, and so to have more of it to appreciate the finer things in life. But between careers and families and the many other obligations we have, it’s hard to concentrate and find ways to manage our time more efficiently. As someone who has managed his time so efficiently that he now has the leisure to be the neighborhood buttinsky, I humbly offer these salient tips:

1.  Always have a goal. Such as “Take a nap” or “Eat more Cheetos." This will help you focus on your immediate needs, instead of some far away and nebulous dream like “Go to College” or “Get a job”.

2.  Keep the TV on. Studies show that people who are bombarded with idiotic drivel 24/7 tend to have a high tolerance for pain. So if you accidentally puncture your thumb with the stapler you won't have to waste any time at the ER; you can just keep working while moping up the blood with a kleenex until it stops bleeding.

3.  Personal hygiene! Don’t let it slide. When you are filing your taxes take time out to bite your fingernails to the nub. When you finish them you’ll be able to leave a little blood on the forms – maybe the IRS will feel sorry for you and double your refund. Hah!

4.  Drop all your friends. They’re only distractions. You should, however, increase the number of your enemies; they’ll keep you on your toes.

5.  Do two things at once. Like writing a blog and tossing lit matches at open gasoline cans at the same time . . . whoops, there goes the garage.

6.   Keep a bowl of bran flakes at your desk. Throw them at people who look like they want to talk to you.

7.  Revert to the Julian calendar. You’ll automatically gain 22 days that the Gregorian calendar abolished back 1582.

8.  Color code your fingers. Make your thumb blue, your index finger green, your middle finger red, your ring finger white, and your pinky black. Only use one color per day. This saves wear and tear on your digits so you can wiggle them faster and longer than anybody else.

9.  Use note cards. Along with a comb they make a swell kazoo. By the time you can play Flight of the Bumble Bee you’ll find that there’s very little left in your life to organize.

10.  Learn to delegate. Tell your spouse to take out the trash, your boss to write his own reports, and give complete strangers all your spare cash to invest for you. You’ll be surprised at the results. Not pleased, just surprised.

11.  Live in your closet. That way when you want something that’s in your closet you just have to reach for it. No more tedious hikes, or interaction with the human race – those unorganized wretches!