HEY FACEBOOK:
Since you keep track of everything I post and don’t actually delete anything I pull off of you, and since all my personal data that your damn algorithms have collected is available for the right price to any busybody who wants it, here is my new profile:
Handsome, vigorous thirty-something metrosexual with impeccable taste in clothes, food, wine, and companions. I own most of Silicon Valley. Bill Gates mows my lawn. I have so much money in the bank they let me use it for toilet paper. I invented Bitcoin. Tom Hanks wants my autograph. I look like that guy in the Dos Equis Beer commercials. I am moving the entire population of Kiribati Island to South Dakota, which I have leased for 99 years. My breath smells like bubblegum. I produce movies in which women beat the crap out of men. And Angelina Jolie is my biological godmother.
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