There once was a young man who came home early to find that his wife and children had been eaten by tigers, and his fine mansion was riddled with termites.
He immediately packed a valise with clean towels and an assortment of belt buckles, then walked away from his arid and shallow existence into the faraway Feeble Mountains.
Once there he settled into a hut made of plantain stalks to begin pondering things. When things began pondering back, he knew he had arrived at Hermithood; he was now ready to go find something to eat. He discovered the nutritious bark of dogwood trees and the soggy elegy of dew on grass. Clusterberries stained his teeth a light purple and the nutbeans that grew in such abundance gave him so much gravitas he had to light a candle.
But such was his faith in playing by Hoyle that he was led to a burning bush that produced grilled hamburgers with raw onions and a fountain of flavored soda water burst forth from a nearby rock. Twinkies floated down from the sky in nets of gossamer.
Soon after, a stranger hiking past his plantain hut stopped to ask for a drink of water, and was given instead a lecture on the futility of desire.
As the stranger departed, still thirsty but now full of insight, he blessed the hermit with words of praise that had to do with digestive functions and unusual physical activities.
Then war swept through the plains below the Feeble Mountains, and many refugees climbed the arduous trail that led past the hermit's shack of plantain stalks.
Being grieved for their hunger and despair, the hermit gave each one he encountered a shiny, worthless, pebble from the stream bed where he infrequently bathed. He conveniently forgot to point out the burning bush of hamburgers or the spring of cold soda water to them -- but then, hermits have a lot on their minds and can't think of everything, can they?
And thus the hermit acquired a new name.
Gemstone Charlie.
Word of his activities reached the great citadel of Nible, where cruel Herman Cradlecrusher reigned. Idly kicking a few random skulls out of his way, Cradelcrusher cynically decided to go confront Gemstone Charlie, to drain him of hope and light, to give the lie to his anemic philosophy. Mounting his mincemeat charger, he rode into the Feeble Mountains and found the humble hermit planting ham hocks.
"Ho! Are you the one they call Gemstone Charlie" asked Cradlecrusher with a violent sneer.
"That's what they tell me" replied the hermit cheerfully.
"Then answer me this, birdsong" replied the brute from his horse craftily. "Why do clouds float while mankind must walk?"
Cradlecrusher sat back on his mincemeat charger, smugly waiting for Gemstone Charlie to melt into a puddle of stale meringue. No philosopher he had ever captured and tortured before had been able to answer that maddening question.
"Your question intrigues me, man on the messy horse" said the hermit placidly. "Let me give it some thought . . . "
Gemstone Charlie sat down on a log to ponder. He pondered a long time. Meanwhile Cradlecrusher decided to go pillage the war-torn plains below the Feeble Mountains; he was gone for two years. When he returned, laden with rich plunderage, he found Gemstone Charlie still sitting on the same log, with a long beard. (You don't see many bearded logs in those parts.)
"In answer to your question" said the hermit, as if the conversation had never been interrupted, "I'd have to say that while a cloud may float, it cannot think -- but a man may think he can float and so find happiness in a brisk walk."
Cradlecrusher fell off of his horse in surprise. His booty came crashing on top of him, snuffing out his disgusting life in the blink of an eye.
And so Gemstone Charlie was now also the Liberator of Nible. The grateful citizens offered him the crown, but he scorned such baubles and trumpery for the swindles they are. Instead he taught the people correct principles, and they soon got bored and dispersed into feuding tribes that are still at each other's throats today.
The passing years tread lightly on the brow of Gemstone Charlie. He did not seem to age so much as ripen, like a Wisconsin cheddar. His fair hair turned wispy and coy; his chin acquired a doppelganger; and his knobby knees clicked like they were playing a continuous game of Yahtze. He wore a simple robe of supple milkweed strands. And his wisdom flowed like apple butter.
A married woman came to him, asking for help in conceiving a child. She and her husband had tried for six years to bring a child into the world, without any success. He gave her a shiny pebble and told her to return home without stopping to eat wild garlic. In nine months time she gave birth to a healthy set of twin boys.
An old miser asked him to find a way to turn base metal into gold. Gemstone Charlie gave him a hand mirror and said "When your reflection becomes more precious to you than gold, you will be the richest man on earth."
The old miser went away rejoicing, because he'd gotten a good hand mirror for nothing. He later sold it for a gold coin that he kept hidden in his donkey's ear.
But even a great sage must eventually heed the call of distant horns. The day came when a tumbleweed with clawed feet and red glowing eyes showed up at the door of Gemstone Charlie's plantain hut.
"The time has come" it said to the hermit in a low growl.
"Has it, now?" replied Gemstone Charlie.
"And before I take you away, I have something to tell you -- bard of the noble platitudes!" the thing intoned. "All those long years ago when you came home early to be told your wife and children were eaten by tigers -- you came to the wrong house! Those were your brother's wife and children that were eaten by tigers, not yours! Your family lived next door, and waited for your return for thirty years --ha ha ha!"
"That I knew" said Gemstone Charlie to the thunderstruck imp. "I just needed a breather from all the megillah. Are they still waiting for me, then?"
"Um . . . yeah, I guess so" said the crestfallen creature, it's glowing red eyes dimming to pink.
"Then I'll be off, if it's all the same to you. Thanks for dropping by. Help yourself to a shiny pebble -- take a handful, if you want!" So saying, Gemstone Charlie walked down the mountain path, took a fast oxen cart back to his home, and the latter end of Gemstone Charlie was more blessed than his beginning -- for each of his children gave him a piece of money, and his loving wife gave him a piece of her mind.
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