Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Tuesday. July 18. 2017.

CONGRESS FOOZLES HEALTHCARE REFORM. SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW? 


The idiots who make our laws
Have fumbled without any pause.
Their efforts to fix
Have all come to nix --

so healthcare remains weak as gauze.




In China no Facebook survives --
It’s seen like a bad case of hives.
Their censors increase
The search for world peace
With freedom put into archives.



There was a young girl of Riyadh
Who wore miniskirts like a bawd.
Religious police
Will not rest in peace
Until she is stripped of facade.




CLEANING UP THE COAL INDUSTRY IS NOT A TRUMP PRIORITY, WHICH MAKES ENVIRONMENTALISTS CHOKE UP.

While coal is a versatile rock,
Nobody is taking much stock
In future results --
Instead there are cults

That just want to burn it as schlock.



Trump Jr held a meeting that apparently was chic --
There were so many people that they stood there cheek to cheek.
Millionaires and spymasters and maybe Stalin’s ghost --
All showed up for caviar and scandal on dry toast.
He don’t remember just how many came that certain day --
It might have been a dozen (with more in the alleyway.)
There were no invitations and no guest list has survived.
And so the snooping media is tragically deprived.
It’s getting so you’re nobody if you were not there, too --
They’ll call it a ‘convention’ in the National Review.


The New York Times Mail Art Project

I know about a hundred reporters on the New York Times and other newspapers, and a few novelists, from emailing them limericks about their stories and then having them email me back -- usually to thank me and praise my nimble lyrics, but sometimes to tell me to stop bothering them. Either way, I have now launched a mail art project where I am mailing each one of them a unique piece of mail art. I'm doing it, among other reasons, to publicize the Provo Museum of Mail Art, of which I am the founder and current curator.

This will serve as documentation of my mail art project. I will also include any responses I receive back from reporters. But . . . don't hold your breath. After all, who replies to snail mail nowadays?


Chistopher Mele responded to my blog the same day it posted by emailing me back:  "Awesome! Thanks. Thanks for the fan mail."




































Monday, July 17, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Monday. July 17. 2017

YOU THINK TRUMP IS THE BIGGEST BULLY ON TWITTER? TRY ANN COULTER . . .  


Ann Coulter is just a big cheat.
She browbeats the airlines with Tweet.
If she isn’t pleased
She gets really cheesed --
And shoots them down like a clay skeet.



IT'S SOUNDS FISHY -- BUT SARDINES FALL FROM THE SKY IN HONDURAS!  


Honduras is such a poor spot
That fish from the sky fall a lot.
Inhabitants claim
That God is to blame --
The faithful have tartar sauce sought.



THE RATINGS FOR TRUMP ARE SO LOW . . .  


The ratings for Trump are so low
They chill the most tough eskimo.
His polls are so weak
He might as well streak
Across the South Lawn for a show.
TINY QATAR WIELDS HUG INFLUENCE IN WORLD AFFAIRS, DUE TO ITS BROAD MINDEDNESS  


Nobody’s turned back from Qatar.
The place is a neighborhood bar,
Where ev’ryday gripes
And all sorts of types

Are welcomed like Gallic Babar.



Sunday, July 16, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Sunday. July 16. 2017.

NOVELIST KWAME ALEXANDER THINKS POETRY IS THE NEXT BIG TREND FOR AMERICAN TEENS 


Are limericks really a sin,
Worse than addiction to gin?
Usually punning,
They rarely are cunning --

And must cause the angels chagrin . . .



EAST COAST CATHOLIC CARDINALS JOUST OVER SAME SEX UNIONS 

There’s plenty of room for dispute
When Catholic cardinals toot
Their own strict agenda
About genda benda --

Oh, when will this thing become moot?



Jeff Sessions thinks God is undone --
That sinners now have all the fun.
What he doesn’t know
Is that here below
God’s mercy is dropped by the ton.

SPIRITUAL LEADERS IN CHINA TELL POLLUTERS -- 'CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!'


In China the air is so foul
it makes even Buddha to scowl.
Lao Tzu doth decry
The lakes where fish die --
And placid Confucius might howl.


TRUMP LAWYERS IMPLICATE SECRET SERVICE IN WIDENING RUSSIAN SCANDAL


When lawyers conspire to lie
It makes them as happy as pie.
Their tongues, like corkscrews,
Cannot give out news

That isn’t completely awry.





Saturday, July 15, 2017

My Son Was Homeschooled; and Proud of it!



(Written by Adam Torkildson)
I grew up on a farm in Utah with 7 siblings and a lame Arabian horse named Agnes. We were homeschooled and had a lot of time on our hands. As long as we finished our homework for the day we were left to our own devices, like domesticated animals who aren’t sure if they belong inside or out. Our farm had a crumbling barn out back full of old newspaper. I spent several long weeks one winter (after my homework was done of course) cleaning it out and turning it into a fort. That barn saved my life.
Due to the somewhat free nature of my early life, I often got in trouble for something or other. I shot paintballs at the bull next door out of boredom. I often had a knife or other sharp implement in a pocket for nefarious purposes. I spent a lot of time figuring out how to break things.
Rather than spanking or time-out my mother doled out 10-page book reports as punishment. I hated writing reports so much by age 12 (I’d probably written 50 at this point) that I was willing to do anything to get out of writing them. That’s the winter my mom decided I could either clean out the filthy barn, or keep writing. I chose the barn, and ended up learning the most important lesson of my life up to that point. I was just as good at being productive as I was at being mischievous. I just had to have something positive to turn my attention to.
On a typical at-home day, starting at 8am Monday through Friday mom delivered a dizzying regimen of high focus study sessions, physical exercise, and memorizing poems. We had to learn verses of ‘The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere’, then switch to exercise videos of Richard Simmons ‘Sweatin to the Oldies’ without skipping a beat. We also had music lessons. I played the trombone, piano and guitar by the time I was 13. Thanks to my mom’s sporadic yet somehow regimented teaching style, I wasn’t bored or out of sorts too often during those morning hours. My problems always cropped up after the regimen was done for the day. My mom obviously noticed, and thankfully, she decided to have me write reports instead of more traditional punishments like spanking or time outs. Something I only came to appreciate in work ethic years later.
When I was 15, my siblings and I were integrated back into the public-school system. It was the most painful, eye opening experience of my life to date besides the barn. Since we didn’t interact with kids our age outside of church on Sundays, I was used to wearing old hand me down clothes, not caring what I looked like, or how I acted in social situations. In 9th grade, that made me the target of some intense bullying. I learned to be quiet, do my assignments, and go home. I did have one or 2 close friends, but that’s it. I reverted back to the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old. It was essentially a backward step for me in every measurable way. I want to include this part about my life as a note to every home schooling parent
College, on the other hand,was my element. My first assignment turned out to be a ’10-page report about how high school affected your vocabulary’. This is when I realized for the first time that I could make my way through a report like that in an hour due in large part to all the 10-pagers I’d written growing up. I quickly found that all my college-level assignments were eerily like the 10-page book reports I had been writing since I was 8. In fact, because of my unique “punishments”, college turned out to be a breeze.I graduated with a BS in communications after three years, all while working full time.
I never walked at commencement. By that time, I had started a company and had a more pressing focus. The success I’ve had with my own company I attribute to the principles I learned growing up as a homeschoolee. Switching between tasks often; writing, reading, and incorporating physical exercise into my daily life. And learning how to BS a 10-page report. That helped too.
Adam Torkildson

Headlines. Saturday. July 15. 2017

INSURERS TELL CONGRESS HEALTHCARE LEGISLATION WILL BE MORE UNWORKABLE THAN A RUBE GOLDBERG CONTRAPTION 


The more Congress tries to promote
A healthcare bill that just might float,
The more it becomes
A hammer on thumbs --
With patients the only scapegoat.




THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS YOUR PERSONAL DATA -- WHICH IT WILL GUARD LIKE HOMER SIMPSON 


The White House wants data from you
And promises it will be true
To privacy laws,
With one extra clause --
That all of it’s on public view.




BATS ARE DYING BY THE MILLIONS FROM WHITE NOSE SYNDROME (AND NO THAT'S NOT A EUPHEMISM FOR COCAINE USE) 


I really cannot wipe my eyes
Of tears from a bat’s cold demise.
They may be of note --
To me they connote
A dirty old rodent that flies.

DESPOILING ANCIENT TOMBS IS BIG BUSINESS IN CHINA 



In China the ghouls rob the vaults
Of emperors in search of schmaltz.
Whatever will sell
They uproot pell mell --
And grind the bones into bath salts.


WOULD YOU BUY A LINT ROLLER FROM THIS PACHYDERM?  


On Instagram animals rule --
You’re sold running shoes by a mule.
The elephants work
For peanuts (don’t smirk) --

And dogs promote graduate school.


Friday, July 14, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Friday. July 14. 2017

NEVADA RUNS OUT OF MARIJUANA AFTER LEGALIZING IT LAST MONTH. THERE'S ALSO A SAD LACK OF CHEETOS IN THE STATE.


Nevada has run out of weed.
To expedite this urgent need
The Governor’s brief
Says each precious leaf

Must be mixed with powdered flaxseed.





WHY DO REPUBLICANS LOVE PUTIN SO MUCH?

Republicans love Vlady Putin --
They think of him as rootin’-tootin’.
His absolute ways
Bring nothing but praise --

(cuz dissing him brings on the shootin’)




A bride to be found that a lapse
Deprived her of wedding gown wraps.
“What am I to do?”
She wailed, turning blue.
“I’ll have to be married in chaps!”

EELS IN OREGON LEAVE MOTORISTS SLIP SLIDING AWAY


The unctuous hagfish has got
A certain affection for snot.
When threatened, the glop
It makes puts a stop

To even the strongest onslaught.



IS LAUGHTER SUBVERSIVE? DC COURTS ARE ABOUT TO DECIDE.

When tempted to hearty guffaw,
Remember -- you’re breaking the law!
Each giggle or snort
Can bring you to court --

Where justice is but a jigsaw.