There's a Special Prosecutor Just For You!

"You must be guilty of something . . . "

WASHINGTON — The Justice Department said Monday that prosecutors were looking into whether a special counsel should be appointed to investigate political rivals President Trump has singled out for scrutiny, including Hillary Clinton.

From the NYTimes.

There’s a special prosecutor for the Clinton campaign staff;

They are going to investigate with writs and polygraph.

And then there is Obama -- he will not get off scot-free;

His uranium shenanigans will get the third degree.

There are special prosecutors for the Congress and what’s more

They will multiply like fruit flies to help even up the score

With anyone who trifles with the current status quo --

They will soon invade each condo and each liberal chateau.

They’re swarming o’er the countryside, a legal locust tide

Inspecting ev’ry folly with a mandate blunt and wide.

Whether in the office or while driving your own car

A special prosecutor can bring you before the bar.

The job requires nothing but a nose that is voracious

For information scandalous, embarrassing, salacious.

A smattering of Latin and a dogged loyalty

Will set you up in office to start spying instantly.

Unemployment disappears as prosecutors breed

From the ranks of ward heelers like some dark noxious weed.

So watch your P’s and Q’s, my friend, or they will prosecute

You for next to nothing -- and your future will be moot.

Just Sayin'

In Heaven do they say “Have a nice day”?

Can a zombie roll over and play dead?  

Instead of license plates why don’t cars have barcodes?

At my last job I went postal -- I didn’t arrive until two weeks later.

I work as a freelance politician -- I’ll cheat anybody.

Birds don’t find anything funny -- not even their own feathers tickle them.

I never go fishing for compliments -- I’d rather shoot ‘em in a barrel.

Why do they call her the “First Lady”? Were all the previous ones tramps?

If the universe is expanding why aren’t airline seats?

I’ve believed in reincarnation ever since I had to repeat the second grade.

When I make a picnic the ants hitchhike to the nearest McDonalds.

Ever get the feeling your life is an extended Candid Camera episode?

Why do people look for closure before they find an opening?

It snows here in the winter, but I never have to shovel my driveway -- I moved it to Florida.

I have a friend who can’t eat alphabet soup -- he’s illiterate.

I bought a marionette, but I had to return it -- there were no strings attached.

You wanna live dangerously?  Try stir frying popcorn.  

PETA wants to give flying squirrels parachutes.

A waffle is just a pancake with a skin problem

I know a lot of Catholics who take Mass Transportation

The NSA Has Been Hacked -- So What Else is New?

Current and former agency officials say the Shadow Brokers disclosures, which began in August 2016, have been catastrophic for the N.S.A., calling into question its ability to protect potent cyberweapons and its very value to national security. The agency regarded as the world’s leader in breaking into adversaries’ computer networks failed to protect its own.

From the NYTimes.

When the doughty government of Uncle Sam decides

It will deal with scoundrels with effective pesticides,

Agents with rare training and deep cunning are employed

To keep the villains running and to make them paranoid.

And so the NSA was formed to decimate the ranks

Of those who lurked in cyberspace attacking on our flanks.

They gathered so much data and intelligence for war

That no one cloud could hold it, so it lay upon the floor.

And so those nasty hackers who delight to thumb their nose

At our lovely government swept intel up in rows.

Now it is residing god knows where in cyberspace --

And NSA admits it may have lost a little face.

But some new agency will rise to carry on the fight,

With taxpayer-fueled funding that will bankrupt left and right.

So terrorists, just watch your step -- we’ve got your number now.

You cannot sink our Ship of State (though it might be a scow.)

The Age of Faith -- in Social Media

Joseph Zwilling, a spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York, said that some churches already offer apps, a trend he does not approve. “There are enough occasions for our mind to wander during Mass; we shouldn’t be using these artificial things that take us away,” he said.  From the NYTimes.

In this age of text and tweet, when hope is on the brink,

Parishioners first cross themselves, then search for shopping link.

The priest may give a homily that makes the stained glass glitter,

But those who bow their heads below are actually on Twitter.

In congregations near and far, the faithful appear drugged

On Facebook and on Reddit, and refuse to be unplugged.

The miracle of Instagram replaces Lourdes and Mecca --

The golden calf that’s worshipped now is certainly high techa.

We play with little pinwheels while the Master of us all

Shakes His head at all the trinkets holding us in thrall.

When He deigns to speak to us, no smartphone will be needed;

All cyberspace will hold its tongue, while YouTube goes unheeded . . .

Tribute to Dorothy Parker

Mrs. Parker and Those Girls Who Wear Glasses Dorothy Parker was a New York wit & writer who penned these immortal lines back in 1924: Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. In honor of its 83-year anniversary, I offer some variations on that theme. To wit: Men seldom leave traces on girls who wear braces. Men seldom want babies from girls who have rabies. Men seldom write lyrics for girls in hysterics. Men seldom stop winking at girls who are drinking. Men seldom sincerely like girls who think clearly. Men seldom wear clothing that girls are not loathing. Men seldom take breath mints for girls who make death hints. And in the spirit of the times, let us update Ms Parker's lines: Girls seldom make passes at men with fat *****

What is Modar?

The study concludes that Mormons and non-Mormons subtly differ in their facial appearance, and perceivers are able to perceive these differences in a way that allows for accurate categorization. The two groups are distinguished by differences in apparent health, which appears to be expressed in facial cues signaling skin quality.  

From RNS (Religion News Service)

All Mormons alike look to me.

They have that ‘frightful symmetry.’

Their sainthood assured,

They cannot be lured

With pricey immorality.

First Contact with Alien Intelligence (SETI)

The search for extraterrestrial intelligence (seti) is often derided as a kind of religious mysticism, even within the scientific community. Nearly a quarter century ago, the United States Congress defunded America’s seti program with a budget amendment proposed by Senator Richard Bryan of Nevada, who said he hoped it would “be the end of Martian-hunting season at the taxpayer’s expense.” That’s one reason it is China, and not the United States, that has built the first world-class radio observatory with seti as a core scientific goal.

From The Atlantic.

It came upon a midnight clear, while scientists were snoring --

A burst of sentient radio waves in wondrous outpouring.

From Sagittarius it sped into the Chinese basin --

Which sent eavesdropping analysts off to Beijing a-racin’.

Twas proven now beyond a doubt that life beyond the stars

Was ready for FIrst Contact and perhaps some seminars.

The world recoiled in disbelief at China’s great disclosure --

It caused our Chief Executive to lose his cool composure.

The evidence was solid and the proof was so conclusive

That it could not be doubted -- though some Baptists stayed abusive.

To formulate a fit response a group of scholars wary

Concocted just one question for the radio beams to carry.

“How can we have peace on Earth, with mercy mild today?”

Was the query that they sent on its interstellar way.

They had to wait full many years before there was reply

From the cryptic mirrored stars that shone up in the sky.

But at last that basin great in China caught the news

And throughout the gaping world the message did diffuse:

“Earthlings, peace is only had when in your wildest dream --

Unless, of course, you rub your skin with Booferbumber’s cream!”

“So smooth and so refreshing, it will give you mercy mild;

It’s approved for man and beast, for blergs and for young child!

And then you’ll also want to drink organic Klinkerflog!

It will keep your nerblocks green, as green as any frog.”

“And don’t forget to herm your scrot with Diblox Lorfing Moof.

It now comes in a neutron thread while staying waterproof!

This cosmogonal message has been brought to you for free

By the advertisers in the Fornax Galaxy.”

“If you want to speak with our great scientists and sages,

It will cost you plenty in rare stones and gold and wages.

As their sponsors we control the flow of knowledge, so

Prepare to meet your masters and send rocketships of dough!”

Ode to the Diner

My parents taught me eating out was something that the rich

Could do with all impunity, but WE weren’t of that stitch.

Leftovers and brown bags haunted me throughout my years.

A diner was a den of thieves; they might pin back your ears!

And then one day, when cooking my own grub was too much work,

I went around the corner where a joint was known to lurk.

Chromium and plate glass, with formica spic and span,

The place looked halfway decent; they had copper pots and pan.

I ordered eggs and bacon, with a side of country fries,

And when the waitress brought it just imagine my surprise

To find it better than the drek my parents fed to me --

A gift for one who up till then lived on Chef Boyardee.

Now I am a diner fiend; I search them out to try

Their onions rings and patty melts and all things that will fry.

The waitresses are friendly and the cooks know me by name --

A diner lets you eat and your humanity reclaim.

I'm Just Sayin'

I love to eat Italian: but I always belch American.

Why do they call it mineral water? You can't chip a tooth on it.

I went to a job interview and they asked me if I was a team player: I told them only in beer pong.

I got a life-size refrigerator magnet of my refrigerator: after I put it up I couldn't open the damn door

Why don't they make pizza in the shape of a Mobius strip? One pizza would last a lifetime.

Some Russians were arrested in a National Forest: they hacked a tree.

I'm not afraid of falling: I'm afraid of floors.

I buy blemished produce for a discount: who cares if a tomato needs a nose job?

I've made one pair of socks last twenty years -- I never took 'em out of the shrink wrap.

I bought a Republican sno-globe: when you shake it nothing happens.

I wasn't born out of wedlock:  but 37 years later I got thrown out of it. 

I got so much static electricity around my place that Rice Krispies is suing me for taking all their snap crackle and pop. 

I got a hair transplant, but it didn't take:  I'm still a barefaced liar. 

I worked my way through college -- as a bank robber

Why do they call it 'sea level'?  Try standing up straight the next time you're in a rowboat in the middle of the Atlantic

I had to fire my shadow for plagiarism

Making tinsel is a cruel business -- you have to make aluminum foil anorexic

I had to find a new line of work when my criminal empire failed -- I was teaching snakes how to be pickpockets 

I think coin laundries should give away free sheets -- since half the socks get stuck in the corners and stay damp until they're run again:  Laundries could double their dryer use in a matter of days. 

The water pressure in my building is so weak the faucets all have a Reverse gear.

Mimes should be seen but not paid

How do you punish children who live in a yurt? You can't send them into a corner . . .

Coal and Scott Pruitt

“Coal is to be thanked for all of its hard work and it now deserves to be retired. It is of retirement age and needs to be put in the retirement home,” Ms. Figueres said. From the NYTimes.

Most fossilized of fossil fuels, King Coal has had his day.

With solar power and the wind, he’s at the end of play.

He powered locomotives and our smokestack industries,

And maybe even saved us from destroying all our trees.

But now we’re growing weary of his senile trail of dust.

He scatters clinkers ev’rywhere; his performance has gone bust.

In India and China he’s enshrined just like a god;

But in the West we see him mostly as a used-up fraud.

But still there are exploiters who won’t give him any rest.

They’ve staked him for a long time and won’t see him be repressed.

Perhaps we should make Pruitt go into an old folk’s home

Before we are all buried in a sooty catacomb!