In Heaven do they say “Have a nice day”?
Can a zombie roll over and play dead?
Instead of license plates why don’t cars have barcodes?
At my last job I went postal -- I didn’t arrive until two weeks later.
I work as a freelance politician -- I’ll cheat anybody.
Birds don’t find anything funny -- not even their own feathers tickle them.
I never go fishing for compliments -- I’d rather shoot ‘em in a barrel.
Why do they call her the “First Lady”? Were all the previous ones tramps?
If the universe is expanding why aren’t airline seats?
I’ve believed in reincarnation ever since I had to repeat the second grade.
When I make a picnic the ants hitchhike to the nearest McDonalds.
Ever get the feeling your life is an extended Candid Camera episode?
Why do people look for closure before they find an opening?
It snows here in the winter, but I never have to shovel my driveway -- I moved it to Florida.
I have a friend who can’t eat alphabet soup -- he’s illiterate.
I bought a marionette, but I had to return it -- there were no strings attached.
You wanna live dangerously? Try stir frying popcorn.
PETA wants to give flying squirrels parachutes.
A waffle is just a pancake with a skin problem
I know a lot of Catholics who take Mass Transportation
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