I'm Just Sayin'

I love to eat Italian: but I always belch American.

Why do they call it mineral water? You can't chip a tooth on it.

I went to a job interview and they asked me if I was a team player: I told them only in beer pong.

I got a life-size refrigerator magnet of my refrigerator: after I put it up I couldn't open the damn door

Why don't they make pizza in the shape of a Mobius strip? One pizza would last a lifetime.

Some Russians were arrested in a National Forest: they hacked a tree.

I'm not afraid of falling: I'm afraid of floors.

I buy blemished produce for a discount: who cares if a tomato needs a nose job?

I've made one pair of socks last twenty years -- I never took 'em out of the shrink wrap.

I bought a Republican sno-globe: when you shake it nothing happens.

I wasn't born out of wedlock:  but 37 years later I got thrown out of it. 

I got so much static electricity around my place that Rice Krispies is suing me for taking all their snap crackle and pop. 

I got a hair transplant, but it didn't take:  I'm still a barefaced liar. 

I worked my way through college -- as a bank robber

Why do they call it 'sea level'?  Try standing up straight the next time you're in a rowboat in the middle of the Atlantic

I had to fire my shadow for plagiarism

Making tinsel is a cruel business -- you have to make aluminum foil anorexic

I had to find a new line of work when my criminal empire failed -- I was teaching snakes how to be pickpockets 

I think coin laundries should give away free sheets -- since half the socks get stuck in the corners and stay damp until they're run again:  Laundries could double their dryer use in a matter of days. 

The water pressure in my building is so weak the faucets all have a Reverse gear.

Mimes should be seen but not paid

How do you punish children who live in a yurt? You can't send them into a corner . . .