Gwyneth Paltrow -- Free Coffee in the Workplace -- "Don't Call Me Mormon, Cuz Them's Fightin' Words!" -- A Forgotten Lotto Ticket -- Shut Up, Alexa

Commonly used nicknames for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — such as the “Mormon Church” or “LDS Church” — should now be added to the list of things the church opposes, said church President Russell M. Nelson.

WaPo

A Saint by any other name

is a dirty rotten shame.

"Mormon" is an insult grave,

not a term that members crave.

And "LDS' is now taboo

and treated like a bugaboo.

Call 'em Christians, if you dare;

for it is true, and only fair! 

********************************

A MILLION DOLLAR LOTTO TICKET WENT UNCLAIMED FOR NEARLY A YEAR -- THEN A MAN CHECKED HIS COAT POCKET . . .

(Headline from the Washington Post)

I'm going through my pants and shirts

and even balled up socks;

if need be I will even search

beneath the garden rocks.

For memory hath served me ill

in times past, holy geez!

And I might have a Lotto win

inside my BVDs.

************************************

*************************************

Wanda McDaniel, 63, received a Google Home Mini for Christmas from her daughter. She used it without incident until August, when she was watching TV and the machine announced it had set a 1 p.m. alarm—for “cocaine and reefer.”  WSJ

With computers talking back,

I'll go on my own attack;

Don't give me advice or chime

when you think I'm up to crime.

Lippy internet machine!

You can stay in my latrine.

**************************

A glut of timber has piled up in the Southeast. There are far more ready-to-cut pine trees than the region’s mills can saw or pulp. The surfeit has crushed timber prices in Mississippi, Alabama and several other states.  WSJ

My true love planted pine trees for our golden wedding day.
The future looked so cozy as in breezes they did sway.
Then housing came a-crashin' down and all that crummy wood
for toothpicks and for matchsticks isn't even any good.
The Ag Department sure has been a bunch of loose deceivers;
I reckon now we'll have to start with breedin' up some beavers!

*********************************

Free coffee in the workplace is a perk I must demand.

Otherwise I'd spend per year about a dozen grand.

Fresh coffee in the morning and a latte during break;

a gallon during conf'rence calls to keep me wide awake.

A pumpkin spice espresso with my lunch is such a treat.

( A shot of Irish mocha on the sly cannot be beat.)

Late afternoon when emails pile up like an avalanche,

only lots of cold brew my despair can ever stanch.

Then when the boss insists I hang around to hear him boast,

I think of him as coffee beans that I'm about to roast.

I don't know if ingesting so much caffeine is too smart,

but right now it's the only way my brain I can jumpstart. 

***************************************************

Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness brand Goop has promoted “energy stickers” made from “the same conductive carbon material NASA uses to line space suits” — even though the stickers had nothing to do with space suits at all. And coffee enemas. And vaginal steaming.  WaPo

Beware Ms. Paltrow's snake oil brand;

it isn't worth a pile of sand.

When asked if she herself will use

any of it, she'll refuse

to confirm it with a smile

that comes straight from a crocodile.

All suckers like a pretty face,

so with Bill Gates she now keeps pace.

It's Monday: All the News is Bad -- It's Columbus Day: Let's Celebrate the Potato -- SCOTUS Reputation at All Time Low

It's Monday; all the news is bad.

Stocks are down, the world's gone mad.

Even breakfast tastes suspect,

with additives and panic flecked.

The Autumn colors all seem moot,

while taking on the dread commute.

The headlines in the paper read

like a charnel house's creed.

Then the sun comes breaking through,

and at Starbucks there's no queue.

So I will face today with calm

and shout a quip, if not a psalm.

*************************************

Before Columbus landed on Hispaniola, the European diet was a bland affair. In many northern climes, crops were largely limited to turnips, wheat, buckwheat and barely. Even so, when potatoes began arriving from America, it took a while for locals to realize that the strange lumps were, comparatively speaking, little nutritional grenades loaded with complex carbohydrates, amino acids and vitamins.   WaPo

Columbus brought tubers to Spain;

thus french fries our globe did obtain.

With kugel and chips

the world fairly drips,

and hash browns add to our weight gain.

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Polls did not show Kavanaugh with majority support, and his vote was almost exclusively along party lines. Some House Democrats have vowed impeachment proceedings for what they consider his untruthfulness during the Senate hearings.  WaPo 

The highest courtroom in the land

is feeling a bit less than grand.

With Kavanaugh there

goodwill becomes rare --

I don't think they'll need a brass band.

*********************************

Google exposed the private data of hundreds of thousands of users of the Google+ social network and then opted not to disclose the issue this past spring, in part because of fears that doing so would draw regulatory scrutiny and cause reputational damage, according to people briefed on the incident and documents reviewed by The Wall Street Journal.

Even Google cannot keep

data safe from those who creep

through the information pile,

looking for good things to file.

But like all big enterprise

their customers do not get wise

unless reporters post a scoop,

and make public all the poop.

It seems like each new data breach

grows in scope and depth and reach.

The lowdown on your life is had

by ev'ry knave and nosy cad.

the season of me

a cat has only

one season it tolerates:

the season of me

Toy Shortage Looms for Christmas! -- How to Shred a Million Dollars -- Who Wins the China Trade War?

While other general retailers are looking to increase their toy sales, no store can completely replace Toys “R” Us in providing the broad selection of toys and reliable supply of hot products on shelves in the days before Christmas, say toy makers and analysts.   WSJ

I'm making my own gifts this year.

Since toys will be scarce, I do fear.

For Billy a top

that over will flop;

for Suzy homemade flat root beer.

***********************************

On Friday, a Banksy painting titled “Girl with Red Balloon” was being auctioned at Sotheby’s in London . . . The bidding climbed to $1.4 million . . . 

Right then, the painting’s canvas began scrolling downward, seeming to pass through its elaborate gilded frame — and reappearing below in neat, vertical strips. Later, Sotheby’s would explain that a shredder was hidden inside the frame.   WaPo

If more artists had the intention

of such a cutthroat intervention

we might end the fad

of works that are bad

and make room for cogent invention.

*******************************

President Trump and his supporters say he is winning his trade war with Beijing. Just look at the Chinese economy. The nation is dealing with a mountain of debt, and its growth and investment are slowing down. But are Trump’s trade policies responsible for China’s mounting problems? And if Trump keeps on pushing, can he win? And if so, at what cost?  LATimes 

In wars of a mercantile type,

no matter the bluff or the hype,

the loser is not

the moneyed big shot

but common folk shot down like snipe.

The Saints and their Sweet Tooth

In Utah the Saints have a sweet tooth for sure.

Jello and choc'late are served up de jure.

The Holidays coming mean pastries and pies

will multiply quick as erotic fruit flies.

The candy and cookies each Saint will soon eat

would cause even gluttons to sound the retreat.

No creed or communion can match their sweet vice;

they'll eat anything made of sugar and spice.

Why do they find any old sweet a delight?

How can they swallow each syrupy bite?

Perhaps they've been told to enjoy butter brickle

because in the next life there's only dill pickle!

Censoring Social Media -- Kavanaugh the Divider -- Free Beer!

Jodel’s measures are expensive. The company spends about one-third of its budget on moderating social media content, including paying its engineers to improve the algorithm’s ability to detect objectionable content. It now has more than 30,000 users serving as moderators, and the algorithm frequently prompts moderators to explain their decisions.  WSJ

Keeping an eye on the 'Net

is costing more money and sweat

than companies like,

so either they hike

their rates or the whole thing forget.

******************************

The confirmation battle over the nomination of Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court has left the country as it was before President Trump selected him: deeply divided, politically polarized and with many people hostile toward those of opposing views.  WaPo

The madness we tend to embrace

when diff'rent opinions we face

can even divide

a groom from his bride,

and shred rule of law into lace.

*******************************************

As the Cleveland Indians took the field in the bottom of the fifth inning in Game 1 of this ALDS Friday, Eddie Flores turned to fans sitting around him in the Crawford Boxes section of Houston’s Minute Maid Park and made a prophetic pledge.  Astros outfielder George Springer was going yard to open the inning, Flores declared, and when he did, Flores would buy beers for the entire section.  Sure enough, Springer put one into the left field bleachers. Keeping his word, Flores flagged down the nearest beer man.  The cost? Close to $300.  WaPo

Good thing that it wasn't Babe Ruth

that Flores bet on in his booth;

the Sultan of Swat

such wonders has wrought

that the Men's Room would float to Duluth!

Torku Anthology (All photographs by the writer, Torku)

all matter is lighter than air

when expanded enough;

there's a bowling ball in every cloud

to be beautiful

does not take

courage

a tree, a streetlight, some mountains,

and cloud;

so dull it's profound

'no one will look at us now'

the fate of all colorful things

that refuse to plan their future

the largest leaf

takes longest to die

but is also easiest to blow away

How Biased are Reporters? -- Elon Musk is at it again -- Orrin Hatch Shoots Off His Big Mouth

While most Americans expect news will be accurate, most also say news organizations cover up mistakes, take sides   Pew Research Center

A writer who came to my door

wanted to know something more

about past mistakes

and possible fakes --

she did not like my campaign lore!

**************************************

Elon Musk risked reigniting a battle with federal securities regulators on Thursday when he appeared to openly mock the Securities and Exchange Commission only days after the Tesla Inc. chief executive settled fraud charges with the agency. WSJ

A tycoon was named Elon Musk;

to others he often was brusque.

He thought he was shielded

with money he wielded

and pot left his brain a mere husk.

**************************************

Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah) raised the ire of protesters Thursday after telling a group of mostly women who confronted him in one of the Senate buildings that he would talk to them when they “grow up.”  WaPo

The Mormons must love their own feet.

Cuz when a remark they repeat

a foot they insert

in mouth very pert

as voters they heartily greet.

Elders riding down the lane

Elders riding down the lane;

spreading peace or raising Cain?

If they knock upon your gate,

let 'em in -- why hesitate?

Or will rumors sate your quest

to know if they are Saint or pest?

Canada Hates America -- Your Office is Going to Get Colder -- Einstein and God

“We think we understand the United States, or thought we did,” said Janice Stein, the founding director of the University of Toronto’s Munk School of Global Affairs. “That relationship is gone.”  NYT

The residents of Saskatoon

think President Trump is a goon.

They feel his insults,

with dire results;

we've woken the great sleeping loon!

**********************************

 Daikon Industries, which owns the Goodman brand in the U.S., is planning a service with partner NEC Corp. that would detect sleepiness in office workers through artificial intelligence and deliver a blast of cool air to an area around that person. The companies think it will be ready by 2020.   WSJ

Office workers, go to sleep;

when you snore we'll softly creep

to your desk with arctic blast,

and you'll think that you've been gassed.

If your eyelids still won't rise,

with ice water we'll baptize.

Thus we make your own workplace

a spot where ev'ry pulse will race!

**************************************

A letter in which Albert Einstein explicitly rejected God and religion will be auctioned in December for the second time since the famous physicist wrote it a year before his death.  WaPo

Great Einstein didn't think that God

should make a person overawed

and thought religion just a scam --

so he came back a soft-shell clam.

**************************************

Old Beethoven needed to hock
his coat, since he wouldn't write schlock.
The wolf at the door,
he moaned "I'm so poor,
I'm Haydn myself in the Bach."