Gwyneth Paltrow -- Free Coffee in the Workplace -- "Don't Call Me Mormon, Cuz Them's Fightin' Words!" -- A Forgotten Lotto Ticket -- Shut Up, Alexa

Commonly used nicknames for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — such as the “Mormon Church” or “LDS Church” — should now be added to the list of things the church opposes, said church President Russell M. Nelson.

WaPo

A Saint by any other name

is a dirty rotten shame.

"Mormon" is an insult grave,

not a term that members crave.

And "LDS' is now taboo

and treated like a bugaboo.

Call 'em Christians, if you dare;

for it is true, and only fair! 

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A MILLION DOLLAR LOTTO TICKET WENT UNCLAIMED FOR NEARLY A YEAR -- THEN A MAN CHECKED HIS COAT POCKET . . .

(Headline from the Washington Post)

I'm going through my pants and shirts

and even balled up socks;

if need be I will even search

beneath the garden rocks.

For memory hath served me ill

in times past, holy geez!

And I might have a Lotto win

inside my BVDs.

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Wanda McDaniel, 63, received a Google Home Mini for Christmas from her daughter. She used it without incident until August, when she was watching TV and the machine announced it had set a 1 p.m. alarm—for “cocaine and reefer.”  WSJ

With computers talking back,

I'll go on my own attack;

Don't give me advice or chime

when you think I'm up to crime.

Lippy internet machine!

You can stay in my latrine.

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A glut of timber has piled up in the Southeast. There are far more ready-to-cut pine trees than the region’s mills can saw or pulp. The surfeit has crushed timber prices in Mississippi, Alabama and several other states.  WSJ

My true love planted pine trees for our golden wedding day.
The future looked so cozy as in breezes they did sway.
Then housing came a-crashin' down and all that crummy wood
for toothpicks and for matchsticks isn't even any good.
The Ag Department sure has been a bunch of loose deceivers;
I reckon now we'll have to start with breedin' up some beavers!

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Free coffee in the workplace is a perk I must demand.

Otherwise I'd spend per year about a dozen grand.

Fresh coffee in the morning and a latte during break;

a gallon during conf'rence calls to keep me wide awake.

A pumpkin spice espresso with my lunch is such a treat.

( A shot of Irish mocha on the sly cannot be beat.)

Late afternoon when emails pile up like an avalanche,

only lots of cold brew my despair can ever stanch.

Then when the boss insists I hang around to hear him boast,

I think of him as coffee beans that I'm about to roast.

I don't know if ingesting so much caffeine is too smart,

but right now it's the only way my brain I can jumpstart. 

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Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness brand Goop has promoted “energy stickers” made from “the same conductive carbon material NASA uses to line space suits” — even though the stickers had nothing to do with space suits at all. And coffee enemas. And vaginal steaming.  WaPo

Beware Ms. Paltrow's snake oil brand;

it isn't worth a pile of sand.

When asked if she herself will use

any of it, she'll refuse

to confirm it with a smile

that comes straight from a crocodile.

All suckers like a pretty face,

so with Bill Gates she now keeps pace.