Letter to the FBI: The Shoelace Conspiracy

Special Agent in Charge Paul Haertel
Federal Bureau of Investigation
5425 Amelia Amelia Earhart Drive
Salt Lake City  Utah  84116


Dear Mr. Haertel;

I have several matters of importance I want to make you aware of, which I think should be investigated by your agency. As a true blue American, born and bred and bedeviled right here in the United States of America, I am sure that my insight and suspicions will help crack a number of criminal rings to help make America grate again.

First of all, what about shoelaces? Seems to me that we've had Velcro around for the past forty years, so isn't it time that shoelaces went the way of the dodo bird? Yet whenever I go buy a pair of shoes at Walmart I find most of 'em are still using laces. Everyone knows that shoelaces take a long time to lace up and tie, especially if you're as old and fat as I am. Whereas with Velcro you just pull it tight and voila, it's done in a jiffy. I suspect something sinister about shoemakers who insist on foisting the archaic shoelace on the American public. Do you suppose they're in cahoots with the Russians -- to keep America busy tying shoelaces when we should be investigating their tampering with our voting rights and their sowing so much fake news on our social media? I strongly urge you to look into companies like Nikevitsky and Conversakov. 

And how about this subversive article by Chris Maher in the Wall Street Journal, where he disses one of the great cities of America, Pittsburgh? I quote:

People who live in Allegheny County, which surrounds Pittsburgh, have lodged more than 2,300 air-quality complaints this year. For most of January, county officials urged residents in 22 municipalities in the Mon Valley nearby to limit outdoor activities out of concern for high levels of sulfur dioxide, and U.S. Steel has begun offering free health screenings.

Now what kind of pinko propaganda is that to be spreading around the country? Just think what our enemies abroad can make of it. I happen to know that sulfur dioxide is a vital supplement in our diets -- it toughens muscle fiber and keeps eyebrows from growing too bushy -- surely we don't want to see a plethora of Groucho Marxes gliding through the land, waggling their bushy eyebrows? The fact that I am a consultant with the National Sulfur Dioxide Board has nothing to do with my opinion -- it's based solely on sound scientific research. I think you'd better bring Mr. Maher in for questioning -- or maybe exile him to Pittsburgh for ten years. That'll learn him.

Then there's all this useless kerfuffle over global warming. It's unpatriotic to say America is making things hotter for the planet. Just feast your eyes on this little piece of tripe from Kendra Pierre-Lewis and Nadja Popovich, who skulk around the New York Times, making trouble:

Scientists estimate that the oceans have absorbed more than 90 percent of the heat trapped by excess greenhouse gases since midcentury. Humans have added these gases to the atmosphere largely by burning fossil fuels, like coal and natural gas, for energy. This excess heat is increasing not only baseline ocean temperatures but also the frequency and duration of marine heat waves.

Is that twaddle, or what? The two ink-stained wretches who wrote this balderdash need watching. And if you're short-handed right now, I'd be glad to take the Grayhound Bus out to New York City and shadow them myself. All I need is a trench coat, a pair of sunglasses, and my bus fare. 

If you can report back to me within a week about these matters I will make sure the President knows about your hard work the next time I write him a postcard.

Yours for a safer and saner America,  

Timothy R. Torkildson

650 West  100 North  

Apt 115

Provo  Utah  84601

Postcard to the President

Even in a dream

And it came to pass that the Lord commanded my father, even in a dream . . . 
First Nephi. Chapter Two. Verse 2.

Dreams and visions come to those

who know Spirit from shadows.

For the rest, including me,

we're content with prophecy

from the scriptures we can read

and our leaders that we heed.

The world with all its vagaries

I'm content to view, not squeeze.

Postcard to the President

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

. . . the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
First Nephi. Chapter One. Verse 20.

I wonder if I have the faith to be delivered from

all the sorrows and the pain that in this life must come.

Thy forgiving mercy, Lord, I seek but randomly;

as pride and folly keep me from full homage constantly.

I would be mighty in my faith; I yearn no doubt to heed.

Wilt thou, in loving kindness, grant me faith as mustard seed?

Swallowed up in joy

Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth.
Alma 27:17

What joy can match the joy of God,

what pleasures can compete?

This happiness available 

to men is so complete!

*

Tis not hallucination

nor synthetic ecstasy;

but spirit speaks to spirit

til their fullness does agree.

*

Such joy as Alma speaks of

may not be mine here on earth;

but I believe a time will come

when I am through with dearth.

Why is the Dept of Education Stealing Part of My Social Security?

What Are Critics Made Of?

“Not one syllable of what Hemingway has written can or will be missed by any literate person in the world.”

NYT Book Review c. 1950

What are critics made of -- all the ones that read a book;

the ones who are myopic and can only cock a snook.

Are they made of scholarship and generosity;

can they be broadminded or show much humanity?

*

Alas, reviewers who read books and pass their judgments grim

are mousy little people who won't go out on a limb.

Dyspeptic and so ulcerous of other writer's work

they bury talent six feet deep with insult and a smirk.

*

They practice on the public, and their folly so display

that they become a laughing stock one not so distant day.

What are critics made of? Like the hot dog, do not look;

they ought to be boiled in black ink for slamming my last book!

Takeout

Food delivery is proving to be a thorny, expensive and crucial puzzle for restaurants, grocers and investors. Billions of dollars have been spent in a quest to build services that reliably move fresh food from one place to another, yet many in the business wonder if they will ever get the economics right. Most delivery orders remain unprofitable.
WSJ

I sit in front of pantry filled

with good food, both plain and frilled.

But I'm lazy, so I dial

for some roasted crocodile.

*

It's delivered pdq --

and it's flavored barbecue.

And there's edamame beans

with a salad of fresh greens.

*

Emperors of ancient Rome

don't eat like I do at home.

Happy, on La Croix I sip

knowing I don't have to tip.

*

But when restaurants cease to be

cuz of takeout bankruptcy

I will starve within my house

all for lack of hot lobscouse.

Pure Delight

And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him.
First Nephi. Chapter One. Verse Fifteen.

God shows his children pure delight

in daytime and in ebon night.

But we in turn must open be

to his sublime felicity.

Not only prophets keenly feel

the Glory and the Great Ideal.

But anyone with humble zest

can know such beauty and be blessed.

Me for constant celebration

of my life on God's creation!