Special Agent in Charge Paul Haertel
Federal Bureau of Investigation
5425 Amelia Amelia Earhart Drive
Salt Lake City Utah 84116
Dear Mr. Haertel;
I have several matters of importance I want to make you aware of, which I think should be investigated by your agency. As a true blue American, born and bred and bedeviled right here in the United States of America, I am sure that my insight and suspicions will help crack a number of criminal rings to help make America grate again.
First of all, what about shoelaces? Seems to me that we've had Velcro around for the past forty years, so isn't it time that shoelaces went the way of the dodo bird? Yet whenever I go buy a pair of shoes at Walmart I find most of 'em are still using laces. Everyone knows that shoelaces take a long time to lace up and tie, especially if you're as old and fat as I am. Whereas with Velcro you just pull it tight and voila, it's done in a jiffy. I suspect something sinister about shoemakers who insist on foisting the archaic shoelace on the American public. Do you suppose they're in cahoots with the Russians -- to keep America busy tying shoelaces when we should be investigating their tampering with our voting rights and their sowing so much fake news on our social media? I strongly urge you to look into companies like Nikevitsky and Conversakov.
And how about this subversive article by Chris Maher in the Wall Street Journal, where he disses one of the great cities of America, Pittsburgh? I quote:
People who live in Allegheny County, which surrounds Pittsburgh, have lodged more than 2,300 air-quality complaints this year. For most of January, county officials urged residents in 22 municipalities in the Mon Valley nearby to limit outdoor activities out of concern for high levels of sulfur dioxide, and U.S. Steel has begun offering free health screenings.
Now what kind of pinko propaganda is that to be spreading around the country? Just think what our enemies abroad can make of it. I happen to know that sulfur dioxide is a vital supplement in our diets -- it toughens muscle fiber and keeps eyebrows from growing too bushy -- surely we don't want to see a plethora of Groucho Marxes gliding through the land, waggling their bushy eyebrows? The fact that I am a consultant with the National Sulfur Dioxide Board has nothing to do with my opinion -- it's based solely on sound scientific research. I think you'd better bring Mr. Maher in for questioning -- or maybe exile him to Pittsburgh for ten years. That'll learn him.
Then there's all this useless kerfuffle over global warming. It's unpatriotic to say America is making things hotter for the planet. Just feast your eyes on this little piece of tripe from Kendra Pierre-Lewis and Nadja Popovich, who skulk around the New York Times, making trouble:
Scientists estimate that the oceans have absorbed more than 90 percent of the heat trapped by excess greenhouse gases since midcentury. Humans have added these gases to the atmosphere largely by burning fossil fuels, like coal and natural gas, for energy. This excess heat is increasing not only baseline ocean temperatures but also the frequency and duration of marine heat waves.
Is that twaddle, or what? The two ink-stained wretches who wrote this balderdash need watching. And if you're short-handed right now, I'd be glad to take the Grayhound Bus out to New York City and shadow them myself. All I need is a trench coat, a pair of sunglasses, and my bus fare.
If you can report back to me within a week about these matters I will make sure the President knows about your hard work the next time I write him a postcard.
Yours for a safer and saner America,
Timothy R. Torkildson
650 West 100 North
Apt 115
Provo Utah 84601
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