It began a few weeks ago when my daughter-in-law Brenda took me out to lunch and asked between the pupusas and the tamales if I’d ever get married again. I told her frankly I really didn’t know -- it would depend on circumstance, and, of course, the gal involved. She only smirked in reply. I always get uncomfortable when women smirk at me -- it means there’s a conspiracy going on around me that I am not privy to.
This was confirmed yesterday when my daughter Sarah and the kids came over for a dinner of cold fried chicken and potato salad.
“Mom is moving back here in July” she told me matter-of-factly.
“What for?” I naturally asked.
“Oh, I think you know . . . “ she replied coyly.
Gadzooks! The noose is beginning to tighten. Later that night Amy sent me a cryptic email -- something about taking my diet in hand so my health will improve to the point where I can ‘live a full and active life again.’ She also urged me to buy a life insurance policy, naming her as the beneficiary.
The writing's on the wall. The stars are aligning themselves. Romance, or pollen, is in the air. The lark is on the wing; the snail’s on the thorn; God’s in His heaven -- and all is definitely NOT right with my world!
Don’t I get a say in all this?
All right, all right -- forget about my moony poetry and turgid prose about loneliness and a man’s primeval need for ‘a jug of wine, a loaf of bread -- and thou.” That was just literary license, nothing more. Just hot air on a cold night.
This is shaping up to be the real deal.
I know why my kids want it to happen. Not because they have yearned all these years for dear old mom and dad to be reunited, but because they are tired of taking care of their mother and her crotchets. She’s a Grade-A nuisance in their lives.They want me to take her off their hands. And I think I know why Amy might want it -- she can’t leave anything alone once she’s started work on it, and that includes me.
But why would I want to marry her again?
Good question, Sherlock. My heart inclines to her, but my mind is dead set against living together again. The sex would be negligible (because of my bladder stone operation); she has too much money in the bank to qualify to live in any kind of subsidized housing (from the sale of her house in North Dakota); but not enough to get a decent health insurance policy for the both of us; and I’d never have another good meal in peace again, what with her ever-evolving and baffling views on diet.
I have decided, after giving the matter my best thought for all of ten minutes, that the only way I would agree to marry her again is if she and I moved to Thailand, where we would use some of her money to get me fixed up at Bumrungrad International Hospital in Bangkok for a third of what it would cost here in the States, and then use the rest of her money to open a modest restaurant in a seaside town. There would be no interference from her abhorrent family and I would be in charge of things until she learned to speak Thai and understand the culture. That way, whenever she finally decided to leave me again (which I’m convinced she will) I would still come out the winner -- having my health restored and living in Thailand. With my Social Security intact.
I intend to stick to my guns on this. At least until I’m actually sitting next to her on my couch, watching a romantic DVD and sharing an intimate bowl of microwave popcorn. At that point, who can tell what diabolical mischief Cupid might concoct for the two of us?
Looking on the bright side, maybe a bus will run me over before Amy gets here in July.
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Tim:
I've been meaning to write back about this since it came in, but have not been sure exactly what to say about it except that this all seems really bizarre...coming out of the blue as it apparently has.
That said, it seems to me that you have sized up the matter correctly. Various people consolidating what is in their best interest and dumping all the consequences onto you, and insuring that they will be forever insulated from those consequences inasmuch as you will have purchased insurance which will provide sufficient economic independence for everyone involved except you, as you have to be dead to make it all work. Hmmm...is there any collusion going on here? And haven't you been the "beneficiary" of that type of thinking before?
Which has reminded me of an incident in my own life that has something of the scent as this one appears to have. Did I ever tell you about my experience with being the beneficiary of an arranged (sort-of) eternal union? (Not Joanne, as you will discover).
I call it the Boise Idaho Plot, and it goes something like this:
Whilst serving in Idaho on my mission, i was introduced to a woman who I shall identify as "BB" (to maintain anonymity, and to be in harmony with two major characters in the movie "Rumor Has It," which stars Jennifer Anniston, Kevin Costner, Shirley McLane and Mark Ruffalo and which Jennie and I think is a hoot, and was a modest hit although the critics didn't care for it. There is actually no plot similarity between these two stories, but the idea of calling someone "BB" has a nice ring to it...).
The introduction was managed by a member in one of the wards who functioned as something of a "mission mom" to missionaries serving there in that she would weekly pick up and do our laundry as well as make us fresh-baked pies regularly. I was a bit ambivalent about her doing our laundry (which ambivalence I carried into my marriage as I told Jennie from the get-go that "nobody touches my dirty clothes but me." It just seemed icky that someone else would have to handle my soiled--or contaminated--underwear--after all, there could be C-Diff in there for all you know--so I put my foot down on that issue and actually received no objection to it. Funny that, huh?). Anyway, the pies were very gratefully received.
To continue...
Sometime after I left this area, I received a phone call from mission mom just wanting to know how I was doing, as she felt that I was struggling at that particular time. As it happened, I was going through a rough patch as I had a companion who was struggling quite a bit to the point that he was too sick to go out from time-to-time, so I appreciated the call.
Ultimately my mission ended (HOORAY!!) and I went home and immediately did the three things I was telling people I would do after my mission, which I was unable to do on my mission, in response to the question apparently everyone feels obligated to ask in the last six months of your mission: What are you going to do when you get back home? My answer: I was going to do three things I've not been able to do for two years: sleep in, take a nap in the afternoon, and see Star Wars. Having accomplished those I found a job and an apartment, and settled in to a regular routine.
Fast-forward two and a half years. Out of the blue, I receive a phone call from BB. Just wanting to know that she remembered me and wondering how I was getting along. I was too naive to pick up any hidden agenda in the call, but shared a pleasant conversation. I think she may have called again a time or two over the next few weeks and in one of those conversations suggested it would be nice to see me should I ever want to come out and tour some areas in my mission. Again, I was too clueless to pick up on anything (are you beginning to pick up on why I remained unmarried until age 44? Has there ever been anyone more dumber-than-a-brick that you have ever met?). Anyway, the idea actually appealed to me. I was just accepting a new job and could easily give them a start date following a week or so out of town.
So it happens I end up visiting people in Idaho that I remembered fondly from when I served there. I did not actually remember BB more than acquaintance-fondly, as I did not find her particularly physically attractive, but she was certainly pleasant and attentive. I think it was the excess attentiveness that finally caused my eyes to open--that, and the fact that mission mom explicitly said that BB and I had a pre-mortal arrangement to meet each other and marry while here on earth. Putting it mildly, I was mildly freaked and, after some excessively uncomfortable conversations, ended up back home successfully still single. A state that would remain in place until I met Joanne and was, once again, involved in some matchmaking but which I did not object to at all, as Joanne was very appealing and I was perhaps mature enough now to actually succeed in a relationship (25 years last December...).
There is more to the story, which I will tell you another time as a proper telling requires a substantially less insouciant and much more deeply spiritual gravitas to do it justice. But, for now, in consideration of your present plight, the suggestion that rushes to the forefront of my mind is thus:
Beyond that: a couple of updates: I am currently undergoing physical therapy for lower back pain. I have compressed discs and have been sore for about a year and a half now. Hopefully this new treatment will do some good.
I am also on a CPAP machine for sleep apnia. Joanne demanded I go and get it evaluated as she said I would stop breathing periodically during the night, and she was worried that I might not start up again. That didn't worry me a bit, as dying in my sleep has always been my ideal for expiring. My grandfather on my mom's side died in his sleep, and my dad's youngest brother died in his sleep, so why not me? Maybe not right now, but certainly when the time comes.
Anyway, Joanne was afraid of maybe right now, so I went in and had a sleep study done and, sure enough, I have apnia. So they set me up with a machine and I am in the trial phase now. I may be starting to get used to it. It involves a mask with a heated and humidified tube connected to ensure that air is being pushed into my lungs on a regular basis while sleeping. I'm not sure how it will all work out, but will let you know how it goes.
We are uncertain of visiting Utah this year. Michigan yes, because Joanne's dad will be 90 on July 1, so we for sure want to be there. No other travel plans are being formulated at the moment, but will certainly let you know if we are able to make a trip out.
So, how are things with you? And do let me know how your marriage conspiracy evolves.
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