Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Utah Headlines & Rhymes. Tuesday. June 6. 2017.



WITH STRICT NEW DUI LAWS, UTAH BAR OWNERS SAY IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET PATRONS DRUNK ANYMORE

In Utah a driver who drinks
Is jailed if he so much as winks.
But out in the sage
If you show road rage

The cops are as mum as the Sphinx.



There was an old man, name of Ott
Who worked for the county -- or not.
The older he grew
The less that he knew --

They pay him to be a mascot.




The tooth fairy is in cahoots
With patrons at Walmart -- the brutes.
So buyer beware,
Or you’ll get the chair --
And have a tooth out by the roots!


****************************************************************************************
Editor's Note:
The above limerick about Gary Ott was denied a posting under 'commentaries' in the Deseret News this morning. An email from their editors gave the following reason:


Dear Tim Torkildson,
Thank you for commenting on The trouble with Gary Ott on DeseretNews.com.
Unfortunately, your comment was not approved for the following reason:
   * Comment included insensitive thoughts that were not appropriate in the context of the story.
From our comment policy:
Be sensitive in comments about death and injury, especially in stories that involve children.
We invite you to edit and resubmit your comment using the following guidelines:

   * Comments should be thoughtful and helpful to your fellow readers with additional insight or counterpoints to the article.
   * Avoid personal attacks and other inappropriate responses to fellow readers.
   * Treat other readers as you would if you were speaking to them from a microphone, looking them in the eyes, then passing the microphone cordially to the next contributor.

*************************************************************************************



DO THE GHOSTS OF ANCIENT MILLIONAIRES STILL HAUNT THE DESOLATE BEACHES OF CUMBERLAND ISLAND OFF THE SHORE OF GEORGIA?

On Cumberland Island the rich once resided --
But now it is open to tourists, provided
They pay through the nose for the sand and the sea
And maybe the ghost of a lost Carnegie.
The rich don’t buy islands today, for reflection

Shows them it’s cheaper to buy an election.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Utah Headlines & Limericks. Monday. June 5. 2017.



There was a young person from Sandy
Who craved Facebook time just like candy.
Forsaking all others,
Both sisters and brothers,

He thought isolation just dandy.





I try to just live in the ‘now’
Without having much of a cow.
But just when I think
I’ve conquered a wink
My mind wanders off to Macau.






Do not ever swim Utah Lake.
The water’s a toxic milk shake.
Just one little sip
Your stomach will rip
And turn your intestines opaque.






BRITAIN AT CIVIL LIBERTY CROSSROADS AFTER MOST RECENT TERRORIST ATTACKS. WILL THEY VOTE THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY UP OR DOWN? 

Nobody has figured the trick
Of what makes a terrorist tick.
Psychotic distress,
Too much porn access --

Or maybe for Hell they’re homesick?

Sunday, June 4, 2017

The Clown and the Miracle




Terry Parsons used to stroll through the Ringling clown alley and lay his hands on various heads before shouting “You are healed, brother!” He did this to get my goat, since he was a militant atheist and I was a recently returned LDS missionary. But I never rose to the bait. Besides, I liked Terry as a friend and sparring partner. He really didn’t have a mean bone in his body. Let others think what they would about wicked circus clowns getting a blessing from God -- I knew what I knew . . . .

When I had left the Ringling clown alley in 1973 to serve as a voluntary missionary in Thailand for 2 years, it was with my clown trunk. I was called to work with the Thai Red Cross part-time -- doing fund-raising clown shows the length and breadth of Siam. The LDS Church needed some good PR in SE Asia at the time. I was happy to tramp the boards in my baggy pants and polka-dot blouse for the people of Thailand -- I found them to be the friendliest and most prone to giggle audiences I’d ever encountered. They doted on my musical saw and couldn’t get enough of me falling over backwards off a folding chair. I took so many pratfalls off so many chairs onto so many bamboo stages that I’m still picking the lightweight splinters out of my keister forty years later.

Two months into my Thai mission I put my shoes on one hot afternoon after a heavy lunch of sticky rice, green papaya salad, and broiled fish -- only to feel a stinging sensation on my left heel. I quickly removed my shoe, shook it, and leaped back about forty feet when a small scorpion fell out of it to wriggle malignantly away. Since my foot didn’t really hurt, I shrugged it off. My companion and I went out knocking on doors until the early evening -- when we came back for a bowl of rice noodle soup flavored with dried squid and tamarind paste before beginning an hour or two of language study. By then my foot was throbbing, but I decided to ignore it. The next day my companion and I visited a small local hospital, where I put on my clown gear and did about 20 minutes for the kids with my saw and a couple of cheap Chinese-made balloons that kept popping in my face as I tried to blow them up. The only good latex balloons I could ever get while in Thailand were shipped to me from the States by Robin Shaw -- who addressed me on her packages as “Elder Babycakes” -- something I never lived down while in Thailand.

After the show I was in agony. When I removed my left clown shoe it was filled with blood and pus. Since we were already at a hospital I was able to have an intern look at my swollen foot right away. He cleaned it up and bandaged it, then told me to hie myself over to Bumrungrad International Hospital in downtown Bangkok if I didn’t want to die of gangrene in the next 24 hours. I took his advice.

The doctors there put me on an IV and notified my mission president, President Morris, that they had one of his missionaries heavily sedated and ready for surgery to remove an infected foot. President Morris told the sawbones to not get any funny ideas about lopping off any of my appendages just yet until he could get there to assess the situation.

The news he gave me after consulting with the medicoes was grim. If the swelling did not start to go down in 24 hours they recommended amputation to save me from probable blood poisoning. I had no words to convey my shock and disbelief to him. I was mute with horror. He told me to trust in the Lord, and then placed his hands on my head to give me a priesthood blessing. I don’t really remember the words he spoke to me in that blessing, except that no healing or quick resolution was promised. It was more an exhortation to trust in the Lord and be patient.

After he was gone my companion settled into a nearby chair and was soon snoring. Mormon missionaries are never to be left by themselves, even in the hospital. The tropical sunset is always sudden and jarring -- and the night birds, even in the middle of Bangkok, sound weird and tortured. My room had no air conditioning, just a sluggish ceiling fan that barely moved the dust and dead flies around. The nurse looked in silently, then shut the door.

Now began my spiritual agony. I lay in bed and talked to God, as only an anguished soul, threatened with a terrible loss, can talk. At first I was bitter -- how could He let this rotten thing befall me? Hadn’t I joined His one true Church and been faithful in paying tithing and obeying the Law of Chastity and the World of Wisdom? Hadn’t I gone to church every Sunday while traveling with the circus, despite the high cost of cab fare and lack of sleep it caused me? And now here I was on a sweltering night in Bangkok, an ordained minister of the Gospel, about to lose my foot. How could I ever clown again? It was the only livelihood I ever wanted!

After some quiet weeping, I resumed my conversation with The Man Upstairs -- but now I was ready to accept whatever came. It would be hard to never hear those big bursts of laughter again from a rowdy crowd made intoxicated with cotton candy and watered down Coca Cola, but if that was how things fell out I would accept it like Job accepted his troubles -- and not curse God and die. Then I fell into an exhausted sleep that lasted until the nurse came in the next morning to change my bedpan and bring me a large bowl of rice gruel flavored with saffron and full of grilled chunks of pork liver.

And the swelling in my foot was down. In a few days I was out of Bumrungrad and back onstage for the Thai Red Cross, tripping over my own clown shoes and juggling coconuts. Some days the heat was so intense that during a performance my clown white literally melted and dripped off my face like sweat -- but I didn’t care. I was clowning again -- and with both feet firmly up in the air!



My Doctor



My doctor is kind of boutique --
Whenever my joints start to squeak,
He bustles right in
Prescribing asp’rin --

Then takes off to go play bezique.

Utah Headlines & Limericks. Sunday. June 4. 2017.



In Utah, county prosecutors have it their own way.
They can have you put in jail for mocking Doris Day.
Little gods of tin, who demand their full backsheesh --
I’d like to see ‘em muzzled (or at least put on a leash.)
Their idea of Justice is to bully and encumber --

Try to show me one that isn’t just a big humbugger!




Jesus was a refugee, and homeless all his life.
He could be a troublemaker, causing lots of strife.
He trod the hills of Galilee, and sometimes was unkempt.
And so the city elders treated him with but contempt.
Today we have the homeless still, and still we often cry:
“Let them follow all our rules, or we will crucify!”






There was a beekeeper in Orem
Who kept all his bees in a quorum --
This church-like control
Increased his bankroll --
His honey was made with decorum.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Lucille Ball -- The Perfect Clown.



I joined Ringling Brothers Circus as a clown, in part, because of the crazy shenanigans of Lucille Ball on her sitcom 'I Love Lucy.' She was a gutsy lady who wasn't afraid to get sprayed with seltzer while doing the 'Niagra Falls' routine, or get chocolate goo smeared all over her face on an assembly line reminiscent of the one in Chaplin's 'Modern Times.' The canned laugh track that functioned as her Greek Chorus didn't distract me from the fact that Lucy knew her slapstick.
Lucille Ball should have quite a shindig going on for her upcoming birthday this coming August. Her hometown of Jamestown, New York, is planning a celebration, and you can see a Lucy look-alike on the main page of the city’s website at http://www.jamestownny.net/   
Ball was an outstanding physical comedy actress in her day; highly acclaimed and publicized.  Most purists would say that someone like Buster Keaton was the better of the two, indeed, was the superior of even Chaplin himself.  And Keaton and Ball have a shared history at the MGM studios.  But Buster doesn’t generate the same warmth and affection that Lucille Ball does, and, after much reading and thinking on the subject while traveling the country as a circus clown, I have an idea why . . .
In the book “Keaton” (Blesh, Rudi, Keaton (1966) The Macmillan Company ISBN 0-02-511570-7) the author devotes several chapters to the late Thirties and early Forties, when Buster Keaton, drying out for the final time from the alcoholism that destroyed his career, was relegated to the back lot of MGM studios as a gagman and occasional extra when a scene called for a spectacular pratfall or a reference to Hollywood’s “Golden Age”.  It was a Tinsel Town Siberia for Buster, where the studio paid him a few hundred dollars a month and forgot about him.  This was the same period when Lucille Ball was spinning her wheels at MGM, playing everything from dizzy blondes to conniving blondes to wholesome blondes to an occasional Technicolor redhead who didn’t do much but look good in an Edith Head dress. Wandering the back lot of MGM between movie takes, she struck up a deep and abiding friendship with Keaton, who saw her as something of a protégé, and taught her all he could about the subtleties of physical comedy.
From him she learned the proper way to do a double-take, where the comedian looks at something but it doesn’t register, and then snaps back to gawk in consternation, fear or anger at whatever it is that he missed the first time.  He taught her to do the spit take – calmly drinking coffee or beer or some other refreshment, only to geyser it out when something untoward occurs.  He showed her how to fall properly, breaking the fall with the arms so no injury occurs.  Keaton taught her all the ancient lazzi, the physical business of comedy that had been around since the Greeks first put on plays.  Ball proved to be an apt pupil, and wanted to put her new-found talents to work, but MGM kept putting her in empty-headed musical comedies and perky domestic comedies where she either wore an evening dress or an apron and was not allowed to do much more than pout or simper.  The executives at MGM, and at most other entertainment venues, felt that physical comedy was exclusively a man’s prerogative – nice ladies, unless they were the dowager-type like Margret Dumont, did not get pies in the face.  They danced, were romanced, and married happily ever after.
When Ball teamed with her husband, Desi Arnaz, in a nightclub act, she decided to pull out all the stops and go completely physical; while Arnaz stayed the smooth, gracious Cuban, Ball would lope onstage dressed in a baggy suit straight from the Goodwill Store and pretend to be auditioning as the new bass fiddle player.  There followed some standard slapstick business, straight from a Keaton silent film, before the two of them would sing a ballad together and walk offstage, arm in arm.  The similarities between Desi Arnaz as Dean Martin, and Lucille Ball as Jerry Lewis, are quite striking.   You can see this bizarre act in their audition tape for the “I Love Lucy” Show.  It was considered so outrageous by TV executives that the tape was never used during the run of the show.
Bowing to network feedback, Ball toned down her zany character, becoming the dutiful housewife who now and then gets a wild hair up her coif and is allowed to bellow, topple, and grimace like a circus clown, until Arnaz, with some help from neighbor/confidant Fred Mertz, puts everything right again.   
And this is the character she kept on playing for the rest of her television career; the dutiful, demure woman, who always looked good in a pair of slacks or a Paris gown, who was allowed to go wild for a few minutes, and then was brought back down to earth by a man, whether husband, boyfriend, or boss. 
Ball had learned more from Keaton than Keaton realized.  While Keaton was a fantastic figure, a frozen icon, he produced no lasting affection in an audience, especially in a female audience.  That is why he was honored for his genius, and then allowed to sink into poverty and near-obscurity.  Lucille Ball, on the other hand, had her moments in the slapstick sun, but prudently balanced them with tender moments, as a mother, a wife, or a good friend and neighbor.  Audiences, especially female audiences, could identify with Lucy when she burned the breakfast toast while talking on the phone, and men could relish her persistent good looks and guffaw at her zany antics, smugly aware that at some point a man would enter the picture and calm her down – as was a man’s duty.
  She was one of the first beautiful women to buck the male-dominated comedy system and perform as an accomplished physical comedienne, yet her greatest success came exactly because she played the stereotypical housewife so well.  Behind the scenes she was all business, running a large entertainment empire and finally casting off Desi Arnaz when his drinking and infidelities became too blatant (and too damaging to the ‘family’ image Ball wanted Desilu to project).  Onscreen she donned an apron to make a meal at the least provocation, and looked to a man to guide her domestic life and her career.  In the last analysis, she was the smartest of showmen/women, because, as P.T. Barnum had said long before, the best way to please an audience is to give them exactly what they want.  As long as American audiences wanted a subservient female on their screen, they got Lucille Ball.  Ball faded just as Roseanne and others like her came barnstorming on the scene, taking guff from no one, and especially not from any man.
Lucy would probably have done a spit take over that . . .




Telemarketers Have Found an Invasive New Way to Reach You



Mr. Kemp had just experienced a technology gaining traction called ringless voicemail, the latest attempt by telemarketers and debt collectors to reach the masses. The calls are quietly deposited through a backdoor, directly into a voice mail box — to the surprise and (presumably) irritation of the recipient, who cannot do anything to block them.


The telemarketer enduring
Has no end -- or mode of curing.
They thrive amidst both flame and flood.
They call when you are stuck in mud.
No earthquake keeps them from their job.
They do not fear the raging mob.
Leaving voicemails without pause,
They’re sneakier than Santa Clause.
So ditch your phone, and go in hiding --

Otherwise they’ll sell you siding!

Utah Headlines & Limericks. Saturday. June 3. 2017.




THIRD DISTRICT JUDGE BARRY LAWRENCE DENIES BYU PROFESSOR CHIA-CHI TENG THE RIGHT TO RUN FOR OUTGOING REP. JASON CHAFFETZ’S SEAT -- BECAUSE TENG USED SKYPE TO REGISTER FOR THE RACE.

Confronting the board face to face
Is how you must enter the race.
Election bosses
stay on their high hosses --
How else can they check your birthplace?




DEBT-RIDDEN UTAH GOP TO REQUIRE ENTRANCE FEE TO SPECIAL CONVENTION TO REPLACE CHAFFETZ? THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT IT . . .

To vote in the strapped GOP
You have to cough up a slight fee.
The party is broke,
So they want your poker
To let you play Democracy.





SPANISH FORK EX WIFE PLEADS ‘NO CONTEST’ TO CHARGES SHE HIRED A HITMAN TO MURDER FORMER SPOUSE FOR HIS LIFE INSURANCE AND TO GAIN CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN.

Hell hath no fury, they say,
like women who don’t get their way.
Their murderous rage
Will mean that old age

For ex’s requires they pray.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Email to a Friend



I don’t profess to know anything about women -- Caucasian, Asian, or otherwise. But I don’t understand why you say you won’t be saving money anymore because it won’t do you any good. Are you talking about bank savings? I love having money in my savings account -- it gives helps me sleep at night and keeps my stomach from churning too much.

But anyway, you’ll do the right thing. You always do, even if you don’t want to admit it. It’s early evening here and usually I’d be grumpy and uncommunicative, but tonight for some strange reason that I really can’t figure out I feel pretty happy and talkative. I can identify four things that are making me happy right now:

  1. Adam just gave me a bunch of rewrite work. I was worried I wouldn’t make it until my next Soc Sec check arrives in the middle of the month, but now I’ll have a little something extra to take the kids/grandkids out to dinner, etc., if I want to.
  2. I just bought a cast iron skillet at Walmarts. Bacon and eggs taste so much better when prepared in cast ironware. It’s also a nostalgia thing -- i have many happy memories of experimenting with the cast iron skillet that Amy and I got when the kids were small -- we cooked a lot of cornbread in it, as well as many a Midwest casserole. My kids grew up on casseroles -- and today not a single one of them makes them or wants to eat them. Sometimes I think all their dietary fads are just a form of rejection. Rewind  . . .   I like to think that my cast iron skillet will last beyond my lifetime and that one of my kids will take it when I pass on and that it will be handed down through countless generations of Torkildsons.
  3. I bought a pair of good walking sandals, so I don’t have to struggle with putting on socks and shoes again until October. I hate socks -- my feet get so itchy and hot nowadays that I’m spending a fortune on foot creams and ointments. And they’re not cheap -- on average a tube of foot rub costs seven dollars and lasts me only two weeks. But now with my breezy new sandals I don’t have to use any socks (except when I go to Church) and my feet are staying much cooler.
  4. I found a crazy Japanese anime on Netflix called One Punch Man. It’s basically a send-up of all the superheroes-fighting-monsters anime cartoons for the past thirty years. Excellent artwork and clever writing.
  5. Oh, and one more I forgot about until just now. I bought several cans of Read brand German Potato Salad -- made in Marion, New York. I love to eat it cold out of the can. I had some for lunch, with a piece of cold fried chicken and a ton of pickled beets.
  6. Oh wait -- there’s even another reason I feel convivial this evening! As you well know, I’ve been doing limericks based on newspaper stories for many years now. But rarely have I done them based on local, Utah stories. Today it hit me that I should stop writing about so many national/international stories and concentrate on Utah news, sending it out to the appropriate local reporters/journalists -- and then compiling them altogether as Utah Headlines & Limericks for my blog site. The concept is meeting with a lot more clicks on my blog than I thought it would -- so I’m going to do it everyday from now on. And this makes me extremely happy and grateful - - to feel like I’m a big fish in a small pond (although it’s just another internet illusion . . . )
So there you have it. Normally cantankerous Tim is a pussycat tonight. I’m even doing my laundry right now as I write this, and not feeling sorry for myself for not having a date on a Friday night. Who cares? Date, schmate! Instead, I’m going to have crisp clean perfumed sheets to sleep on tonight -- and it was only a scant two years ago that I didn’t even HAVE A BED to sleep on at all!

Ain’t life grand?

Thank You, Kim Ruest!

   


To the wonderful readers who liked my recent post “The Noses of Clown Alley” I can only say ‘velsigne deg.’ You warm the cockles and periwinkles of my heart:

Mike Johnson; Kenneth Arrow; Tony Chino; Barbara Bergmann; Gabriel Romero Sr.; Ernst Fehr; Mike Weakley; Kim Ruest; Mary Pat Cooney; Francis Fukuyama; Daniel Kahneman; Francois Guizot; Pat Wilson Harsey; John Red Lawrence Stuart; Dave Letterfly; Patti Jo Estes Williams; Lesley Nichols; Kenneth L. Stallings; Bonnie Wieboldt Lewis; Troy Peace; Ambrose Bierce; Lorraine Baltzer; Kel Parry; Julie Howard; Marion Seidel; and the exquisite Bill Rothe.


“The story is always better than your ability to write it.”  Robert Lewis Stevenson