Tim Torkildson's Clown Alley

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Saturday. July 8. 2017

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW QUIRKS IN QUARKS

Smashing an atom is fun.

Naming the pieces a blast.

Switzerland is a great place,

If you have funding that’s vast.

Nobody knows what a quark

Looks like or does for a laugh.

But guessing about it remains

A good way to tart up a graph.

Predicting a particle wave,

And tracking its miniscule charms,

Helps one to sleep well at night

After the day’s false alarms.

With visions of baryons small

Dancing in physicist's pates,

They soon will discover a way

To bypass God’s own Pearly Gates!

IN TROUBLED TIMES AMERICANS DO NOT TURN TO RELIGION -- THEY TURN TO DISNEYLAND

A person attends Disneyland

For reasons that ain’t very grand:

To live as a child;

Forget we’re exiled

From places that never are bland.

NASA SAYS VP MIKE PENCE IS TOO 'TOUCHY-FEELY'

Vice presidents really do shine

When they can’t read a plain sign.

They’ll touch all they please --

They might even squeeze --

Like Cosby they think it is fine.

UNITED NATIONS INKS AN ACCORD TO END NUCLEAR WEAPONS. MAJOR SIGNERS INCLUDE LOWER SLOBOVIA AND CLOUD CUCKOO LAND

When nations have signed an accord

That makes ploughshares of their bright sword,

I’ll not only eat

My hat, but excrete

A brick that’s the size of a Ford.

GRIEVING CALIFORNIA FAMILY DISCOVERS SON IS STILL ALIVE -- AFTER CORONER'S OFFICE 'FESSES UP TO HUGE MISTAKE

When my time has come to expire,

A good bodyguard I will hire

To see that the doc

Is not an old crock

Who sends me off to the wrong pyre.

IVANKA TRUMP TAKES OVER FOR DADDY AT G20

When you’ve got the looks and the bod

There just isn’t anything odd

About sitting in

With heads in Berlin

And waiting for them to applaud.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Photo Essay: Losing a Daughter to Texas

My daughter Virginia and her husband Andy, with their 6 month old Cici, are leaving Orem this week to move to San Antonio, Texas. Since I don't really travel anymore, due to health and finances, having lunch with them today is probably the last time I'll see them for some years to come.

Andy has a good position in the oil field waiting for him. I'm sincerely happy that he will be able to provide well for his family. But right now the coming deprivation gives me an ashy, stale spirit.

I made a pasta casserole for our lunch, with coleslaw on the side. Dessert was Jello. Bottled spring water to drink. Andy and Sarah had good appetites, and I gave them the leftovers to take back to her sister Sarah, whom they're staying with this week, for their dinner tonight.

I suppose the next time I see Cici she'll be a teenager, and I'll be a poster boy for senility. Every time one of my kids leaves for a far away destiny, I die a little bit -- that's because I'm greedy and jealous and scared. Why can't everything stay exactly the same, except continue to get better just for me? Is that an unreasonable request to make to God?

I gave Virginia a small clown statuette as a going away present, and a can of Saint Luke's Prickly Heat Powder to Andy -- because he's got a problem rash.

Babies experience the anguish of separation dozens of times each day; so I guess I'll get over my anguish eventually

I just hope she doesn't grow up and marry someone named Bubba

Andy liked the store bought Jello. Virginia wouldn't touch it

The problem with catching people off their guard with a camera is that sometimes they look mad when they're not -- such as in this photo.

They stuck around for a good hour after lunch to chat. Andy tinkered with my laptop and Chromebook to remove some of the junk that was slowing things down. But then it was time for them to leave. I walked them out to their car, parked in the shade. It was 101 today.

These two kiss after the blessing on food, when one of them has to leave the room for more than ten minutes, and when they open car doors for each other. Disgusting. And romantic.

Godspeed, kids.

Headlines & Verse. Friday. July 7. 2017

FRANCE TO PHASE OUT FOSSIL FUEL CARS IN THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS

The French are a funny old race,

Who’ve run out of free parking space.

They’re writing memoirs

About their old cars,

Then giving them up with bad grace.

INSTAGRAM USERS DENIED ACCESS TO THEIR ACCOUNTS THROW MEMORABLE HISSY FITS

When Instagram goes on the fritz,

Their users find out it’s the pits.

No photos to share --

At what can they stare? --

Life is but vain without glitz!

ON ANNIVERSARY OF THE INVENTION OF THE BIKINI, NEWS MEDIA RUNS PLENTY OF EYE CANDY FOR ONCE

An engineer named Mr. Reard

Invented bikinis and cleared

A path for decay

In man’s moral way --

As modesty sure disappeared!

UTAH'S ICONIC SPIRAL JETTY CONTINUES TO DETERIORATE, AS FEW SIGHTSEERS WANT TO TACKLE A TRACKLESS WASTE TO GET TO IT

The Mormons settled Great Salt Lake because their God had spoken;

He wanted them to leave a world too wicked and quite broken.

After many years gone by the landscape still was bleak,

And only crazy artists roamed from peak to salty peak.

One of them a jetty built; his goal remains opaque --

It draws but very meager crowds of tourists to the Lake.

I, too, am quite possessed by art -- the art of words, that is.

But I won’t travel to the Lake -- it gives my hair a frizz.

If you would like to see my work, it’s chiseled in the Cloud --

Where all the little blogsites go that never get endowed.

BERLIN PROTESTERS TRY TO SHUT DOWN G20 SUMMIT BECAUSE THERE'S TOO MUCH MONEY IN THE WRONG HANDS (MEANING NOT THEIRS)

G20 now meets in Berlin

While protesters make the place spin.

They think that the goods

Those financial hoods

So constantly chisel are sin.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Headlines & Verse. Thursday. July 6. 2017.

TRUMP TURNS BACK ON EUROPE, SO CHINA SNEAKS IN TO SAY "HELLO DERE!"

The vacuum that Trump has conceived

Has left Europeans quite peeved.

To fill in the gap

A byzantine chap

Named Xi is politely received.

STATE LEGISLATURES INCREASING RESTRICT GRASS ROOTS DEMOCRACY IN LARGER CITIES

The cities that overstep bounds

Make state bureaucrats cry out “Zounds!”

A liberal town

Produces a frown --

So lawmakers send out the hounds.

VENEZUELA FILMS NEW THREE STOOGES FILM DURING
PARLIAMENTARY DEBATE

They say down in humid Caracas

“Those bastardos just want to mock us!”

To congress they go

To quietly show

“What happens when you try to fock us!”

COMMENT: from Karla Zabludovsky, reporter at BuzzFeed -- "Excuse me?"

OFFICE OF GOVERNMENT ETHICS NEEDS A NEW BOSS: THE OLD ONE JUST QUIT BEFORE THE VERY IDEA OF ETHICS IN GOVERNMENT IS BRANDED 'UNPATRIOTIC'

When ethics and D.C. collide

There’s little enough left, outside

Of circling dust

And scruples of rust,

That settle upon the wayside

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Restaurant Review: Breakfast at Chick-fil-A

I cannot make myself like Chick-fil-A, no matter how hard I try. McDonald's I like. Arby's is okay. Dairy Queen has its ups and downs. Burger King I relish. KFC is my go-to place for comfort food. Carl's Jr is my home away from home. But this upstart fowl has found no place in my heart or stomach. I guess I came to it too late. I never ate at one until my daughter Madelaine treated me when I returned from Thailand back in 2012. By then my trencherman ways were set.

I've been in Chick-fil-A several times, and the staff never looks too happy. Maybe they miss working on Sundays

I got the chicken biscuit combo, for $5.09. I took a bunch of sauce packets because, as you can see, the meal itself is rather dinky. The sauces kinda fill it out.

The tater coins were minuscule

I got there at 9:30; the indoor trade was nil

It's hard to fault a fast food joint that offers honey -- to me, that's classy

The obligatory restroom selfie -- why am I obsessed with taking these at every restaurant I visit? I must be sick

Their breakfast biscuits crumble at the slightest touch, making the biscuit sandwich a hassle to eat. Why don't they serve chicken gravy over biscuits, as breakfast chicken al a king? I'd eat that every day.