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Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Your Comment on U.S. to Delay Some China Tariffs Until Stores Stock Up for Holiday Shoppers
Go Tell Unruan
Tell Unruan that I'm way too fat to get married again -- I now weigh 330 pounds. I do nothing but read, write, sleep, eat, and go swim at the Rec Center a couple times a week. I'm indolent and arrogant and rude and private and mostly silent. Maybe I'll CC her this email myself. Here's the nub of the problem -- women want to spend money all the time, they never want to save it. Cutting coupons is not 'saving' -- you still are going out to spend money. I live by Spencer W. Kimball's words: "Make it last; use it up; or do without." Here's an example:
Yesterday I was feeling bored and discontented, so I thought about going over to the Silver Dish Thai Restaurant on Main Street for some green papaya salad and sticky rice -- but that would cost nine dollars -- and I rebelled against having to spend money just to relieve my boredom -- so I thought about what was immediately around me -- and I noticed the sparrows out on the patio picking at some crumbs I put out for them -- I started to wonder: what would happen if I strung together a dozen small pieces of bread? How would the birds react to that? So I took a needle and thread and strung 12 pieces of dry stale bread together like a necklace and put it out on the patio. The sparrows went crazy with it -- they would pick up one piece and all the other pieces went with it, so they'd drop their piece and fly off and then come back and try it again -- I had several tug of wars happen when one sparrow would pick up one end of the bread necklace and another sparrow would pick up the other end, and they'd both pull on it in opposite directions. It was hilarious, and kept me entertained for a half hour. And then I felt happy and cheerful and energized again -- because I had created something interesting and amusing and I HADN'T SPENT ANY MONEY TO DO IT. Show me a woman who can do that -- who wants to do that. That's the kind of woman for me -- as long as she's also Asian and around 40 with no small kids around.
********************************************
Responses from Unruan herself:
My statement about Suttita and you was just a statement, my opinion. Didn’t mean to offend anyone.
If it offended you, hope you accept my apology. Life is too short to go out of my way to offend people that I rarely know.
unruan would like to recall the message, "Fortnite star Ninja left Twitch.
Then the platform recommended porn to his followers. (WaPo)".
Then the platform recommended porn to his followers. (WaPo)".
Monday, August 12, 2019
Trump Policy Favors Wealthier Immigrants for Green Cards (NYT)
🙀
I was playing green cards with Potato Nose Grogan, when he came up with a straight flush. Beating my pair of five irons. But I wasn't about to take this lying down -- he must have had a trick up his sleeve to get that hand. So I called him out and we went down the stairs to the alley to duke it out.
He threw the first punch while my back was turned, but I recovered quickly enough to hit him over the head with a bag of nickels. He went down for the count. I emptied the bag of nickels over him and walked away -- hoping to find a bag of dimes somewhere for my next game of green cards.
My dad taught me how to play green cards. "Son" he told me, "never go into the game with less than a hundred dollars. Make sure you sit away from the windows. And never let the dealer know you brought along a bag of nickels." That's been good advice over the years. I've won most of the games I played, and shared the pot with Republicans and Democrats alike; and when I've lost I've tried to be a good sport and only tore up throw rugs and calendars.
When Potato Nose Grogan wanted a rematch, with no hard feelings, I went along with the gag. But I brought along two bags of nickels. This time I beat him with an Uno card. He didn't see that coming. When he tried to throw me across the border I gave it to him with both bags of nickels. Now he's playing green cards with the angels . . .
I was playing green cards with Potato Nose Grogan, when he came up with a straight flush. Beating my pair of five irons. But I wasn't about to take this lying down -- he must have had a trick up his sleeve to get that hand. So I called him out and we went down the stairs to the alley to duke it out.
He threw the first punch while my back was turned, but I recovered quickly enough to hit him over the head with a bag of nickels. He went down for the count. I emptied the bag of nickels over him and walked away -- hoping to find a bag of dimes somewhere for my next game of green cards.
My dad taught me how to play green cards. "Son" he told me, "never go into the game with less than a hundred dollars. Make sure you sit away from the windows. And never let the dealer know you brought along a bag of nickels." That's been good advice over the years. I've won most of the games I played, and shared the pot with Republicans and Democrats alike; and when I've lost I've tried to be a good sport and only tore up throw rugs and calendars.
When Potato Nose Grogan wanted a rematch, with no hard feelings, I went along with the gag. But I brought along two bags of nickels. This time I beat him with an Uno card. He didn't see that coming. When he tried to throw me across the border I gave it to him with both bags of nickels. Now he's playing green cards with the angels . . .
Sometimes I envy you at work
Sometimes I envy you at work, although it isn't often.
What I envy, like I do today, is the fact that you can steal time from your employer by reading this email instead of doing your work. I remember that feeling as a delicious tingle of petty larceny, of anti-capitalist derring-do, in the face of the fat cats that run our lives and dole out measly bits of cash from time to time and then inveigle us into thinking we have something important called a 'career.'
Today I couldn't even summon the energy or stamina to goof off from my regular goofing off -- which is all I do nowadays; although I like to think of it as 'creative loafing.' Sounds more impressive. But I miss being able to purloin fifteen minutes here and there during the day in completely useless activities while I'm on the clock. Now I have so much time to waste that I'm even beginning to think of things to do that are NOT a waste of time -- like family history. Or cooking a big meal for anyone who wants it and serving it in the community room at noon. Fact is, I was going to do that -- make a Penang curry -- and have the missionaries over to eat most of it -- but they weren't available today. Good thing, too -- cuz I got one of my dazy spells and couldn't think straight for a couple hours this morning -- just sat in my recliner and dozed and daydreamed and watched the sparrows snap up the leftover stale cinnamon rolls I crumbled up and threw on my patio. But now I'm feeling better, and am considering throwing a couple buckets of water on the peony bush in my patio -- cuz apparently the irrigation system is broke and all the peonies in the back of all the ground floor apartments are drying up and dying. Except mine, cuz I watered it a few times last week when I noticed it was turning a dusty bronze color. I also have a dozen sunflowers growing up in the gravel where the birds dropped seeds this past spring -- I should douse them with water, too. Just the thought of doing that makes me feel virtuous and at one with nature --so I'll probably just sit here all day thinking about it and not ever doing it, and who really gives a damn if I do it or don't do it? Nobody.
(How much time have you wasted on this email so far? I calculate probably only two minutes or less -- I'm sure you're a fast reader.)
Then there's the matter of dinner. I initially thought of opening a can of clam chowder, but then that sounded too bland and unexciting. So I began to get dressed to go over to the Fresh Market to buy a Totinos' Cheese Pizza and a can of anchovies so I could make myself an anchovy pizza. But then I began to resent the fact that I would have to spend money today -- and why should I spend anything today? They're still garnishing my Social Security, taking our over seventy bucks each month, for an old student loan that I thought I had made a payment agreement on to pay just five dollars a month. I need to stop spending money, to hunker down and live like a homeless person, dumpster diving for my dinner.
Did you know I used to go through the garbage at work when I worked for Feature Films for Families? Amy made me feel so guilty about not making enough money to feed our family properly that I never took a lunch to work, but instead would wait until everyone was out of the breakroom and then rummage in the trash for leftover pizza and bagels and Subway sandwiches. That was a messed up time for both of us.
Well, the hell with it all. I've got a can of spinach and a bowl of microwave jasmine rice, so I'll combine the two for an early dinner and then snack on some beef jerky later tonight while I watch Netflix. Of course one of my kids might want to come over and visit or there might be some church work I'm asked to do tonight -- but the chances of that happening are pretty slim, so I'll just lounge around in my bathrobe feeling like I've escaped some terrible catastrophe and wondering what it is -- oh yea, it's having a REGULAR JOB . . .
He got 2 million people to say they’d storm Area 51. Now he’s planning an alien festival. (WaPo)
(Sung to the tune of "I Went to the Animal Fair)
I went to the alien fair;
the Martians and Klingons were there.
The planet Cardoon had sent out a goon
that combed its radioactive hair.
No one could debunk that the Moon man got drunk
and fell on his trunk,
then started to sneeze -- producing large bees
which stung the Sirius skunk, the skunk, the skunk . . .
Fortnite star Ninja left Twitch. Then the platform recommended porn to his followers. (WaPo)
"Video games are a waste of time" said Crazy Henry to me the other night, as we sat around watching NCIS reruns on Netflix. For once we were hanging out at my place instead of his.
"You'll get no argument from me" I told him.
Suddenly Crazy Henry stood up, closed his eyes, clenched his fists, and floated off the floor a few inches. He stayed there for a good five minutes before coming down.
"That's amazing!" I shouted at him. "How'd you do that?"
Crazy Henry just stared at me, his eyes turned a solid green.
"I am not your Crazy Henry" he said, but it wasn't his voice at all; it sounded like a pneumatic drill going through birthday cake. "I am Video Gamer X45, from the Planet Crouton. I have taken over this body in order to challenge your planet's best video gamers. Take me to them."
"I don't know any" I replied truthfully. "Me and Crazy Henry think video games are a complete waste of time. Anybody who plays video games is nothing but a big loser."
The not-Crazy Henry looked shocked, then began to cry. Big purple tears ran down his cheeks. "You're mean" he said to me. "I'm going home." Crazy Henry slumped over onto the couch, and it took a quart of rocky road ice cream to revive him. When at last he could speak I asked him how he felt. "The galaxy is nothing but a big video game" he whispered to me.
"You'll get no argument from me" I told him.
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