Klimt's version of Hello Dolly. c. 1905.
Gustav Klimt was born in a small fishing village on the coast of Paraguay. Since Paraguay is a landlocked country it was a very poor place, so Klimt migrated to Vienna -- after an uncle left him a huge estancia that was rich in hen bane and eggplant.
In Vienna Klimt studied under several master painters -- but since they didn't like him lying on the floor he eventually left for the Swiss Alps to hunt chamois for their horns. He engraved the horns with "Wish Your Were Here!" and sold them to tourists as postmodern postcards.
It was in Switzerland that Klimt met Carl Jung, who advised him to go back to Vienna and leave the poor chamois alone.
Back in fin de siecle Vienna Klimt began his experiments with form and color that eventually led to nothing much at all. He eventually joined the Foreign Legion, where his feet gave him much trouble. That's when he invented Klimt's Hoof Balm, which sold well in Paris drug stores for nearly a quarter of a century. That's the only real money Klimt ever made.
Although Klimt's eye for female beauty was superb, he liked posing his models sideways until they fell over. This often left them bruised and sulky, which is how he wanted them. His work shows a brooding respect for the female form that is only equaled by his stamp collection. His admirers today number in the midgets. He is famous for having said, some hundred years after the Battle of Waterloo, "You can't have eggs without breaking omelettes."
His last known address is a PO Box in Milwaukee.
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