HEADLINES & VERSE. Sunday. August 6. 2017.

LATEST POLL SHOWS ATHEISTS THINK POVERTY IS CAUSED BY CIRCUMSTANCES: CHRISTIANS THINK POVERTY IS CAUSED BY LAZINESS

The atheist says poverty

Is brought on with bad luck the key.

But Christians abhor

Absolving the poor --

They charge paupers with apathy.

BILLIONAIRE TURNS BELOIT, WISCONSIN INTO HER PERSONAL SOCIAL STUDIES EXPERIMENT

When little towns start to decay

A billionaire might find a way

To halt the decline

By building a shrine

To sushi and Midwest ballet.

OLDEST DRIVE IN CHURCH IN AMERICA LOCATED IN DAYTONA BEACH FOR OVER 60 YEARS

My car is no place for to stage

The comforts of this Christian age.

The automobile

I drive makes me feel

A subject to only road rage.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO RESEARCH TO JUSTIFY THE FOLLOWING LIMERICK

Consensus in marriage is bull --

The wife always takes control full.

The man may assert

He don’t wear a skirt --

But SHE is the one with the pull.

HEADLINES & VERSE. Saturday. August 5. 2017

SEC ACCUSES RETIREMENT FUND MANAGERS OF FRAUD

A pension plan broker was heard

To grumble twas really absurd

To think it a fraud

If their schemes could prod

all fees to soar up like a bird.

CHINA CONTINUES TO DISCONNECT FROM THE REST OF THE INTERNET WORLD

A young man in Beijing found out

That censors have way too much clout

In saying ‘amen’

To his VPN --

The Great Firewall remains stout.

SENATOR LAMAR ALEXANDER OF TENNESSEE CONTINUES TO FLIP FLOP ON HEALTHCARE BILL

The Senator from Tennessee a mighty flip flop did --

From black to white on healthcare he has changed his solid bid.

Where once he worked to see Obamacare was dead and gone,

He’s working now to save it with his savvy and his brawn.

He’ll shake hands with a Democrat, if that will help his cause.

He’ll chuckle with the lobbyists just like old Santa Clause.

The Senator from Tennessee, whose first name is Lamar,

Seeks bipartisan support from near and very far.

As the cliche has it, if you cannot beat the foe,

You might as well join with them, just for luck (and maybe show.)

BURGERS AND FRIES FOR THE PRESIDENT -- AND CONTINUING LOW WAGES FOR FRANCHISE WORKERS

While having a burger and fries

The President thinks it is wise

To keep wages low

So no one will grow

Too uppity for their franchise.

PUTIN VACATIONS IN THE HALF-BUFF -- BUT HE'S ALL BLUFF

When Putin takes off for a rest

He likes to be seen with bare chest.

Fishing or hiking,

His torso is striking --

He looks like he needs more bed rest.

THE FATE OF EVERY FEMALE CEO

A dashing young woman named Liz

Crawled to the top of her biz.

But once at the top

She found it a flop,

With auditors waiting to quiz.

A SURE CURE FOR OLD AGE

If old people can’t learn to deal

With old age, then their kids should feel

An obligation

To seek litigation

To have ‘em ground up into veal.

I Can't Afford to Die with My Boots On -- Have You Seen the Price of Uggs Lately?

I’ve never been so close to death that I could smell his duds,

But I imagine their bouquet is somewhat like wet spuds.

And yet as I grow older I sense someone just beyond

My ken who waits there for me with his sharp and twisted wand.

Each day I scan the obits for the years allowed to each

Man or women prior to their capture by the Breach.

As I approach the watershed of years where death begins

His game in earnest, I’m aware he only ever wins.

The odds are stacked against me and I might as well confess

That all the coin I’ve paid the docs won’t give me much success.

But still I think it’s worth it to give death as wide a berth

As I can manage on this large and variegated earth.

He won’t catch me too easy, and I’ll haggle till I’m blue --

And I’ll be damned if he finds me just waiting in a queue!

Restaurant Review: Aubergine & Company. Orem, Utah.

Aubergine & Company serve greens, grains, legumes, and salmon, in various combinations, and always for immodest prices. But then, fresh greens and grains are now more trendy and expensive than Kobe beef. Go figure.

I met my son Adam and former wife Amy at the Orem store for lunch. He got there ten minutes prior to Amy and I, and had already ordered and consumed half of his meal. Which was fine by me, since Amy and I were supposed to pay for -- we dodged that bullet. He ordered two full-course plates.

                          That boy loves his broccoli 

It bothers me that this place, like many others in Utah Valley, equate freshness with flavor. My taste buds don't recognize 'raw' as a flavor or distinct taste.

Never trust a young person dressed in black -- that color is reserved for clergy and funerals.

Amy said the salmon was 'just fine,' but Adam insisted it was dry

I ordered seven dollars worth of tomato basil soup. Too much!

Our interesting luncheon conversation centered on the fact that son Adam is not in the least ticklish. His mother didn't believe him, so here they are in a posh restaurant checking things out. I was so embarrassed at their louche behavior I almost stopped picking my nose. 
I give this place 3 Burps -- I didn't especially care for it, but both Amy and Adam eat here all the time and they are considered the wise ones in the family. Me, I'm the doofus sitcom dad -- just pay the bills and shut up . . . 

Headlines & Verse. Wednesday. August 2. 2017

VENICE, ITALY, TO BAN CRUISE SHIP TOURISTS

There was a young woman of Venice

Who said that cruise ships were a menace.

“They offload and eat,

Then splash with bare feet --

Why don’t they go visit Vincennes?

WORLD'S SEAFOOD SUPPLY SHRINKING AT AN ALARMING RATE

There once was a tuna, or cod,

Who thought it exceedingly odd,

That krill should decrease

Which led to the cease

Of fishes and shrimp -- run roughshod.

WEIGHT WATCHERS SEES MEMBERSHIP DECLINE FOR THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR

I'm fat and I don't care at all.

Should I be morose and then bawl

Ifmywaistlinegrows

Like some Hothouse Rose?

Shutup and pass me a meatball.

LOCAVORES MAKE FREEDOM, MAINE, NEW SHRINE TO FINE DINING

Oh, for a meal by a cook

Who never looks into a book --

But has intuition

About the nutrition

Of local caught trout from the brook!

Thank You, J.T. Turner!

A writer’s greatest friend is not his or her editor or publisher, but his or her reader. Someone who takes the time to enjoy my words is a friend to be cherished. So ‘Thank You’ to all those who expressed a liking for my recent mini-memoir, My Favorite Blow Off:

Sandy Weber; Dave Letterfly; Joe Giordano; Keith Holt; Mike Weakley; Mike Johnson; Ed Griffith; Mary Pat Cooney; Kevin McGowan; Andrew Donovan; James D. Howard; Stuart Bailey; Rosalie McNeil; Roy Dietrich;Loren Bagelman; Kel Parry; Sonja Barta; Paul Hill; J.T. Turner; Linda F Vogel Kaplan; Trudy Strong; Glenn Godsey; Esteban Vélez; Walker Blankinship; Kenneth L Stallings; Erik Bartlett; Kevin Smykal; Peter Pitofsky; Leo Acton; Lee Stevens; Bart Landenberger; and the invincible Sam Drummond.

“There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.”

Ray Bradbury

Starbucks is Big in China

Consider this mind-boggling statistic that I culled from the company’s statement last week about its Chinese ambitions: Starbucks is opening more than 500 stores a year there — which amounts to more than one new store a day. Starbucks is creating some 10,000 jobs in China annually. In Shanghai alone, there are already 600 stores.
From a New York Times story by Andrew Ross Sorkin

From Beijing to Qinhuangdao, from Shanghai to Pudong,

If you’re selling java then you can’t go very wrong.

Starbucks is expanding like a Mongol horde set free,

Flooding ev’ry village square with cups of sweet coffee.

All the tea in China, not to mention Mandalay,

Will not stop the march towards gulping down a thick latte.

And not only do the Starbucks offer coffee on the cheap;

They also offer housing stipends and health care upkeep.

The pay is good, the hours firm, and parents get discounts --

Is it any wonder they make dough in large amounts?

You can raise a fam’ly on your Starbucks salary

In China -- while here in the States it still means poverty!

Senator Lisa Murkowski

Senator Lisa Murkowski, of Alaska

When threatening a Senator, you’d best have both guns packed

With lots of ammunition and a little bit of tact.

For Senators don’t back down quick, to presidents or threats --

They are liable to stand up and say “Just cool your jets.”

They like to hew the Party line; it butters up their bread.

But some of them grow consciences and vote for Good instead.

It doesn’t happen often, and it may not last too long --

But by god when it happens, then America feels strong!

That Congress had more backbone is what patriots should wish --

Let’s have more of Murkowski and much less of jellyfish.