Tim Torkildson's Clown Alley

Monday, August 21, 2017

HEADLINES & VERSE. August 21. 2017. ISIS CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR ECLIPSE.

TERRORISTS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR TODAY'S ECLIPSE

It ain’t an eclipse in the sky --

It’s terrorists, who on the sly

Have captured sunlight for their use

To give us Westerners abuse!

Or else those haters of our ham

A truck will use the sun to ram.

The moon is not involved at all --

A burqa has become its shawl!

Anyone who shouts ‘Eclipse!’

Might have guns upon their hips.

So when the sun begins to shroud,

It’s terrorists and not a cloud!

MILLIONAIRE CARL ICAHN TAKES HIS MARBLES AND GOES HOME

Carl Icahn’s ambitions were great;

He wanted to jockey the state.

He thought as a guide

He’d make laws abide

His will -- now he’s outside the gate.

CHINA THROWS ITS WEIGHT AROUND TO GET CAMBRIDGE PRESS RESEARCH KILLED

In China the innocent scholar

Is deemed but an impudent brawler.

So journals agree

To censorship he

Is subject despite any squalor.

NO WELCOME FOR SPACE ALIENS -- UNLESS THEIR BRAND IS TRENDING

Little green men are a myth --

But not Klingons or evil Sith.

Without a good brand

There is no demand

For alien kin and their kith.

JOURNALISTS NO LONGER GO OUT LOOKING FOR NEWS: THEY JUST QUOTE A BUNCH OF TWEETS

Reporters don’t go on the beat;

They simply show somebody’s tweet.

The press conference is obsolete;

Why bother when you’ve got a tweet?

And vital quotes are now backseat.

Just take a snapshot of some tweet.

Our journalists suck on one teat;

It isn’t news without a tweet.

THANK GOODNESS THIS ECLIPSE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TRUMP -- OR DOES IT?

When gazing at eclipses, try

Not both your eyeballs to fry.

But then, what the hell --

With Trump and his spell,

In braille maybe he is more wry.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

R.I.P. Jerry Lewis

JERRY LEWIS PASSED AWAY TODAY AT THE AGE OF 91

The King of Mugging has succumbed

To one last pratfall dire.

Sing his praise with loud kazoo,

and not a classy lyre.

The heart of a buffoon is brave,

To seek elusive laughter.

And now we have one less tomfool --

He’s tummling in the hereafter.

Clouds of popcorn waft thee up

To cinema’s Valhalla --

And tell old Dean we miss him, too;

The world is now much smalla.

Careful When You're Eclipse Viewing

Careful when you’re eclipse viewing.

Otherwise, there’s trouble brewing!

If a headache you receive,

Oil of fennel will relieve.

doTERRA

Amy Snyder, your Wellness Advocate, hopes you enjoy this little jingle, patterned after the old Burma Shave signs.

HEADLINES & VERSE. Sunday. August 20. 2017.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR MOTHER: SUMMER IS OVER, GO BACK TO SCHOOL

The freckled laughter disappears

Into mum backpack shrugs.

And put away are whiffle balls

And lemonade and bugs.

As summer slowly exits now,

The grind of school begins.

We all must take a dose of it --

Those pensive medicines . . .

FLOWERS BECOME MORE EXPENSIVE AS MORE PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

A flower is God’s way to add

A smile to this world that’s so mad.

If more flowers bloomed

We would not feel doomed --

Just think of a daisy in plaid!

THE SOLAR ECLIPSE IS TOMORROW -- ARE YOU PREPARED?

People are making long trips

To watch the great solar eclipse.

With gridlock assured

Will road rage be spurred --

Or will ev’ry shoulder lack chips?

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Both Great and Small

“ . . . and he did expound all things unto them, both great and small.”

Both great and small have meaning in the presence of the Lord;

The noble peak of mountain and the dusty garden gourd.

He speaks exalted phrases for the welfare of our souls;

He bids us to consider weeds and flowers, wind and shoals.

There is a capitation that He paid for you and me --

To school us in His kindness, love, and compassing mercy.

How Ylang Ylang Oil Stopped Terrorism in the Philippines

William Howard Taft, during his administration of the Philippines

In 1900 William Howard Taft, a Federal Judge in Ohio and future President of the United States, was appointed the Military Governor of the Philippines. Taft was a kindly man and a conservative politician, with no previous experience in governing a rebellious tropical country recently ravaged by war.

The Philippines had a large Moslem population on some of the southern islands, who had always felt persecuted under Catholic Spain’s rule. When the United States took over the Philippines after the Spanish American War, these same people, called the Moros, were extremely suspicious and unsupportive of their new American administrators. A series of terrorist skirmishes broke out between the Moros and American troops -- with each side blaming the other for escalating and murderous overreactions.

Governor Taft wanted to end the tit-for-tat bloodshed and win the trust of the Moros. Taft was a firm believer in religious tolerance and the benefits of free enterprise. When his native advisors told him that the Moros were famous for their cananga tree plantations, which produced much of the ylang ylang oil used in Southeast Asia. which were now being systematically destroyed by the American Army, the Governor came up with an ingenious plan to stamp out the ongoing warfare: If the Moros would lay down their weapons and promise to keep the peace, he would instruct the U.S. forces in their territory to stop their destructive strategy and instead actually help the Moros harvest ylang ylang blossoms for their volatile oil for a few months, as a gesture of friendship and cooperation.

About two-thirds of the Moros agreed to this, and the number of terrorist incidents dropped dramatically. Taft’s wife, Nellie, became a fan of ylang ylang oil, using it to flavor ice cream and cake frosting. When the Tafts returned to the United States at the end of 1903, several Moro villages sent Mrs. Taft dozens of ylang ylang oil-impregnated palm fronds -- which they told her to use during hot weather to fan herself and her friends to relieve heat stress and promote pleasant thoughts. The palm fronds became cherished gifts in high government circles back in Washington. Several of them are on display at the Smithsonian.

Today the essential oil of ylang ylang is used to promote healthy hair and control skin blemishes. It also has an important role in aromatherapy, where it promotes a positive mindset.

For further information, and for an absolutely free, no obligation, sample of three of the most commonly used oils, including lemon and lavender, contact Wellness Advocate Amy Snyder at http://bit.ly/2vHgrH6 Please put your name and address in her Comments box. She has used these superb essential oils for years herself and will be delighted to share her experiences with you in a professional and friendly manner!

The ylang ylang blossom

NOTICE TO READERS: The information contained in this blog is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any emotional or physical condition, illness, or injury. The author, publishers, and distributors of this blog shall have no liability or responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any and all alleged damage, loss, or injury caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained in this work. This work contains suggested uses of oils based on acceptable dosage amounts recommended by the manufacturer. The author makes no claim to have verified or validated these suggestions. The readers must validate acceptable dosage amounts from the manufacturer before application. The information in this book is in no way intended as a substitute for medical advice. We recommend that all readers obtain medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional before using essential oils for any reason.

HEADLINES & VERSE. Saturday. August 19. 2017

BANNON LEAVES TRUMP -- BUT IS STILL A LOOSE CANNON

A man with a large axe to grind

Is not apt to be very kind.

A person like Bannon

Will be a loose cannon --

So Trump might become much maligned . . .

MEGA-CHURCH PASTOR REPENTS OF HIS FOLLY AND LEAVES TRUMP

The pastors are leaving the ship

On which Donald Trump wields his whip.

The men of the cloth

Are getting quite wroth

At how he’s begun to unzip.

SKINHEADS ARE PEOPLE, TOO

There was a young skinhead named Chris,

Who followed his sickening bliss --

With racist remarks

And jackbooted larks,

His love life is greatly amiss!

AMERICAN CEO'S SHUN TRUMP

There once was a brave CEO

Who said, from his swanky chateau:

“Equality must

Be coupled with trust”

(But don’t give the paupers my dough!)

Friday, August 18, 2017

And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better.

How to seek, and where to find, the better things apart

From worldly satisfaction and an overweening heart?

My lights have led me deeper into desiccated mood.

My self-made shield protects me not against life’s blows so shrewd.

The melting tide of folly leaves me stranded and alone.

An existential chill has settled into flesh and bone.

The better world has beckoned, where the angels tread so soft --

I’ve yearned to throw away my dross and follow them aloft.

What holds me back, why hesitate, when mercy and relief

Are offered me so freely without great price or grief?

No longer will I tarry with the trivial or great --

No longer does the glitter of the world seem so ornate . . .

Leonardo da Vinci and the Oil of Inspiration

What makes a man or woman great? What guides them to genius -- and beyond? What is it that can fill the soul with the power and confidence to create marvels, the like of which the world is unprepared to accept?

According to some Italian chronicles, the answer is: Bergamot Oil.

The Italian historian Calavari wrote three centuries ago: “It is said that the great Leonardo da Vinci often stopped in the middle of a project, having taken umbrage at his patron or master, be he King or Pope. After a time, da Vinci would resume his work -- but not by reason of his respect for these authorities, but by reason of his use of certain oils and scents that moved him to serenity. Among these, da Vinci often claimed the virtues of bergamot oil was paramount.”

The private notebooks that Leonardo began keeping in the 1480’s reveal his interest in the healing properties of attar of roses and the oil of the bergamot orange. With medical science still in its infancy, Leonardo speculated that a volatile oil such as that from the bergamot orange would be useful in ‘cleansing the blood’ and infusing the mind with greater energy. His notebooks, which were kept in his own coded language that has only recently been deciphered, described and depicted a complicated set of glass alembics that could be used to process the bergamot fruit into a volatile oil without the use of any sorting or crushing equipment.

In ancient times both the Persians and the Turks used bergamot marmalade to give them an energy boost on their long journeys of conquest. The Romans of Caesar Augustus’ time planted the bergamot orange tree in Calabria, using its oil to perfume their wives and daughters. By da Vinci’s time, Italian wines were often flavored with bergamot oil. It was said to relieve stomach cramps and menstrual pain.

Today we know that bergamot oil, used with discretion, can relax nerve endings in the human body and release tensions to a remarkable degree. It is often prescribed in aromatherapy to enhance creativity and block anxiety.

Can its use help create another polymath like Leonardo da Vinci? It certainly might help!

For further information, and for an absolutely free, no obligation, sample of three of the most commonly used oils, including lemon and lavender, contact Wellness Advocate Amy Snyder at http://bit.ly/2vHgrH6 She has used these superb essential oils for years herself and will be delighted to share her experiences with you in a professional and friendly manner!