Timericks from stories by Kirsten Grind, Sebastian Herrera, Pietro Lombardi, Ann M. Simmons

Tim Torkildson, creator of 'timericks,' and licensed taradiddler.

‘Crush This Lady.’ Inside eBay’s Bizarre Campaign Against a Blog Critic.

@KirstenGrind

If you make eBay see some red/you will get a dead pig's head/If you call them careless mugs/please expect a box of bugs/They don't like to be critiqued/Havoc on you will be wreaked/You don't have to be their pawn/if you deal with Amazon.

Plexiglass to the Rescue: Supplies Run Short as Covid Barriers Go Up.

@PietroLombard10

Had I listened to my dad/I would now be rich and glad/"Son" he told me long ago/"Plexiglass will profit show"/"If the market you can corner"/"You will make Bill Gates a mourner"/Sadly, as a foolish youth/I did not observe his truth/Instead I sunk my money in/darn hydroxychloroquine.

Russia’s Putin Seeks to Rally Voter Support With Massive Military Parade

@AMSimmons1

Russians love a long parade/they drink it up like lemonade/So if you want to win their souls/just march until your boots have holes/And make sure weapons are included/otherwise they'll feel denuded.

No more contention

 And now there was no more contention in all the land of Zarahemla, among all the people who belonged to king Benjamin, so that king Benjamin had continual peace all the remainder of his days.

Mosiah 1:1

In the land of Zarahemla peace gained victory.

Contention had diminished and hatred forced to flee.

 I pray, dear Lord, that such may be the case on my own shores;

that folks can work for harmony instead of looting stores.

May ev'ry Christian, Moslem, Jew, ALL citizens decide

to guard each other's welfare and in tolerance abide.

Photo Essay: Postcards to my favorite reporters, and to President Donald Trump.

To:  President Donald Trump

To: Reporter Rory Satran. WSJ.

To: Reporter Tim Carman.  WaPo.

To:  Reporter Sarah Needleman. WSJ. 

Timericks from stories by Sarah Needleman, Sarah Mervosh, Maura Judkis, Jacob Gallagher, and Kim Severson.

Tim Torkildson, creator of the 'timerick' and alleged Mob boss.

Hash Browns With a Side of Hand Sanitizer: What Going to a Restaurant Is Like Now.

@saraheneedleman

When dining al fresco beware/the frumulous furious stare/of those wearing masks/who suddenly asks/where's YOUR veil, you anchovy pear?

Bars, Strip Clubs and Churches: U.S. Virus Outbreaks Enter Unwieldy Phase

@smervosh

Think I'll go to church today/It's full of germs -- what's that you say?/Then how about a little snort/The virus there will too cavort?/A strip club, then -- I might as well/get sick while going straight to hell.

Who will solve the great fireworks mystery, and will we ever sleep again?

@MauraJudkis

All across this acrid land/loud fireworks are in demand/The people do not want to vote/with little bombs they do revolt/The night is full of bursts and blasts/by suchnsane enthusiasts/Insomnia, you're here to stay/I think I'll move to Uruguay.

The Mullet is Back. Like It or Not.
@jacobwgallagher

And so the world of stylish hair/dreams of mullets in nightmare/Looking like a horse's mane/mullets always were insane/Now they're back/and I'm appalled/I wish the whole wide world were bald.


Ballpark peanuts, a classic summer treasure, have been benched.
@kimseverson

Gone are the goobers, gone from the game.
Pandemic life just got awfully lame.
The stadium's silent, with dust devil whirls;
The smell of roast peanuts as rare as black pearls.
What I wouldn't give for those big salty nuts
as I told the umpire he was a klutz.
I guess to the market I'll go for a bag
and eat 'em while watching more Netflixing slag.

Like a cedar in Lebanon.

The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree: he shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
Psalm 92:12

O, may I flourish like the tree

in summer green continually.

I want to grow in stature royal,

and to the best be always loyal.

O Lord please nourish my design

to live and work by light divine.

I'm just a seedling in thy sight;

help me to cultivate the right!

Timericks from stories by Rory Satran, Alex Leary, and Amy Goldstein.

Tim Torkildson, inventor of the 'timerick' and author of the bestseller "How to Avoid Swink."

‘They Ate Their Friends!’: Butterfly Kits Backfire.

@rorysatran

In Nature the rules are severe/and life becomes pretty austere/The weak are a snack/The strong will attack/So parents, watch out for your rear!

After Tulsa Rally, Trump Heads to Arizona, Wisconsin.

@learyreports

IF you think a rally is a safe place to converge/folks may soon be gatherin' to sing for you a dirge/Any politician who promotes it surely merits/being thrown into a hole with hungry rabid ferrets.

Income emerges as a major predictor of coronavirus infections.

@goldsteinamy

The rich keep getting richer/and the poor keep getting sicker/Nothing improves health quite like/your very own stock ticker/So if you are a pauper/then I hope that you have bought/a quiet little corner/for your likely graveyard plot.

Photo Essay: Postcards to My Favorite Reporters. Vol. One.

To:  Isabella Kwai.  NYT.

To:  Kate Conger.  NYT. 

To: Natalie Andrews.  WSJ.

To:  Sha Hua.  WSJ. 

Photo Essay: Postcards. Vol. 100

To:  Reporter John Schwartz

To:  Senator Mitt Romney

To:  Old Head Emeritus Rob Reed

To:  Broadcaster Jordana Green.

Our father also spake many things unto them

 And now it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had made an end of teaching my brethren, our father, Lehi, also spake many things unto them, and rehearsed unto them, how great things the Lord had done for them in bringing them out of the land of Jerusalem.

2 Nephi 1:1

When fathers speak with godly love

and testify of God above

their children have a goodly chance

of taking but a righteous stance

when on the smutty plains of life

where all is greed and hate and strife.

So fathers keep in mind your call

to help your children rise not fall!

Photo Essay: Postcards. Volume 99.

To:  President Donald Trump

To:  Reporter Jason Zinoman

To:  Reporter Jennifer Graham

To:  Reporter Ellen Gamerman