Monday, July 5, 2021

Today's Timericks: Tyson Foods Recalls 8.5 Million Pounds of Frozen Chicken. (NYT)

 



Nothing makes my heart to quicken/faster than some frozen chicken/full of microbes standing by/my poor bowels to liquefy/I'd be better off, I'm sure/as a vegan epicure!


Lobsters’ feelings loom large as British Parliament debates animal welfare bill.

(WaPo)

Animals have feelings, too/in the wild or at the zoo/Ocean lobsters become roiled/when they're captured and then boiled/And a pig's heart may be breakin'/when we turn it into bacon/So stay your hand and do not squeeze/honey from the tender bees/Cruelty to skunks prevent/except those now in Parliament!


What to know about Rise of the Moors, an armed group that says it’s not subject to U.S. law.

(WaPo)

Many a stout nincompoop/joins with an extremist group/Apparently they find such dreck/stiffens up their scrawny neck/Lacking in much self esteem/together they're a lawless team/Civics lessons never took/with these cousins of a crook.



***********************


Constantly my wanton heart/sorrow wants to seek and start/God of Heaven, please accept/my attempts to be adept/at the strait and narrow way/that alone gives joy today!

Saturday, July 3, 2021

Prose Poem: The Professor Cleans Out His Desk. (Dedicated to Bruce Young)

 


We had to back up a 

dumpster to the old college

hall, where Professor Eolith

had his office for nearly 

thirty years.

A bachelor, he had no

immediate family.


He was gone now.

To the Marmalade Islands.

To study mermaids

in his retirement.


The dean of his college

asked me, as head of Scholastic

Security,

to clean out the office quickly,

so the new faculty member,

who was to teach Cyber Literature,

could move his stuff in 

by the Fourth of July.


Like I said,

we needed a dumpster.

First there were all the books.

I don't like tossing books away.

Never have.

Eolith had told the dean

to dispose of them any which

way he pleased. 

Because mermaids

he said

are illiterate.


I asked around,

who would want them,

and nobody did.

You can't even give away books

anymore.

Damn Kindle.

So I talked to Joe

down at Habitat for Humanity;

he took 'em all to build housing

for the poor and oppressed.

Apparently books make good bricks.


So that was one hurdle completed.

But the papers and manuscripts

and maps and quills and ferules and photographs

and sextants and mimeograph machines

and overheard projectors --

not to mention a huge desk made out

of black ironwood and bookshelves 

carved out of polished isinglass.


There was all that to dispose of.

Plus a large bin of typewriter parts.

With time pressing, I told the guys

to toss it all out the window 

into the dumpster.

It would have made such a wonderful

yard sale, or they could have set up

some kind of small museum with all

that stuff.

But no -- the dean said

out with the old

and in with the new. 


When the last book shelf

had been broken down and

thrown out the window

we discovered it hid

a wall safe.


Eolith had said nothing about that.

No one knew the combination.

Naturally.

And no one had any idea

what was in it.


So I phoned the dean to 

ask if we should get a 

locksmith in to open it.


"How long would that take?"

he asked.

"Coupla days, at least"

I told him.

"Then no" he replied.

"Just paint it over.


But before we could start painting . . . 

the dean was forced to retire.

Something about spider tack

on Wiffle balls.


When the new dean learned

about the old wall safe

he said "Open it!"

So we got the locksmith

in. He did some drilling

and said we could open it

anytime now we pleased.


The new dean

and most of the faculty

showed up for the opening.

The local TV station was there.

The dean let me be the one

to open the safe door.

That new dean was a nice guy.


Well, when I slid the steel

door back there was only a brown

metal canister, or capped cylinder 

you might call it. 

Stenciled on it was one word:

'Peanuts.'

I silently handed it to the dean.

I figured he should have the honor

of opening it.

When he did 

several cloth covered springs,

painted like snakes,

jumped up into his face.


His widow has since 

moved to the Marmalade Islands

to track down Professor Eolith. 




Thursday, July 1, 2021

Today's Timericks: Marking Party’s Centennial, Xi Warns That China Will Not Be Bullied. (NYT)

 



One hundred years ago today/the Reds in China came to stay/The peasants shouted out 'Hooray!"/Then Mao began a lot to slay/He purged 'em good, I've got to say/to make 'em love the Party's way/Congrats to Xi and all the rest/(though Hong Kong may not think it's blessed.)


Surprise medical bills happen when a doctor or other provider who isn’t in a patient’s insurance network is unexpectedly involved in a patient’s care. Patients may go to a hospital that accepts their insurance, for example, but get treatment from emergency room physicians or anesthesiologists who don’t — and who then send patients big bills directly.

(NYT)

I think that I shall never see/a bill as sizable as thee/Oh hospital, oh doctors dear/I cannot pay this bill I fear/So come and break my knee caps quick/before again I may take sick. 


Lawn care is going electric. And the revolution is here to stay.

(WaPo)

Sputtering old hunk of junk/putting my yard in a funk/power mower, get thee hence/I'll toss you over nearest fence/Now my grass is silent mowed/tho my 'lectric bill's a load.

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Today's Timericks: South Dakota governor sending National Guard to Mexico border on mission funded by GOP megadonor. (WaPo)


 


When a governor decides/Constitution overrides/are the order of the day/what is there to do or say?/Optimism tends to flag/when law becomes a punching bag.


The Walrus.

The walrus is a funny dude/describing him would be too rude/While looks and charm are not his strengths/He often goes to any lengths/to pack on blubber in a riot/of an unrestricted diet.


NSA surveillance program still raises privacy concerns years after exposure, member of privacy watchdog says.

(WaPo)

Looking over shoulders is/now our Uncle Sam's main biz/He knows all there is to know/about your thoughts and sex and dough/So behave yourself, my friend/or the pokey you'll attend!

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Prose Poem: The Man with the Blue Trunk.

 




But I woke up one morning

without a nose;

instead I had a blue trunk.

Like an elephant.

I had granola and yogurt

for breakfast, like always.

My roommate didn't say

a word about the change.

But he took down the medicine

chest mirror in the bathroom.

It was awkward brushing my teeth.

I took the bus to work.

I heard one guy say to another:

"Must be a new show on Disney."

But otherwise people just looked

as normal and weary as always.

I had processed my condition by then.

It intrigued me, but did not

disturb me.

Nothing bad was going to happen.

I was a man with a blue trunk.

It didn't make me any better

or worse than anyone else.

I could just hold a watermelon

while playing the piano.

My boss at work called me 

into his office.

He asked me to check on 

last month's sales statistics.

As I left his office he said:

"Oh, by the way -- I already told

the main office about your blue trunk.

They want to move you into the broom

closet, so as not to distract your 

co-workers."

I asked for this in writing.

When I got it I found a good lawyer.

We won the discrimination case 

hands down.

But the monetary fine is tied up

in the Solicitor General's office.

Something about cybercurrency.

But later that same month

as I was walking down the

street to Chipotle for lunch

I was stopped by a police officer.

"Just routine" he assured me

as he took my arm to guide

me to the precinct station.

Inside the station the desk sergeant

spoke with an Irish brogue.

Not in a panic, but in a cool

analytical way, I began

to suspect that although I 

was not dreaming, I was

probably in an old black 

white movie.

And when I saw Allen Jenkins

sitting on a bench. looking

vacantly stupid, 

I knew I was at Warner Brothers.

Joan Blondell was being booked

nearby for soliciting.

The desk sergeant asked

if I wanted a lawyer.

I said yes. I thought I'd get

someone like Ronald Reagan

or Leslie Howard.

I refused to say another word

until my lawyer arrived.

"Here's your lawyer"

said the desk sergeant finally.

Then I knew I was in deep trouble.

It was Hugh Herbert.


Today's Timericks: Boom Times for Lawyers as Washington Pursues Big Tech. (NYT)

 



In Washington's great byways/you cannot throw a rock/without a lawyer hitting/on each and ev'ry block/Their fees have grown fantastic/they meddle ev'rywhere/They're happy to defend you/if you're a billionaire. 


Is Eating Deli Meat Really That Bad for You?

(NYT)

Pastrami on a bagel/smooth liverworst galore/There's so much to fulfill me/at any deli store/They make good herring salad/that swims in fatal brine/Good health is not an option/when on such stuff you dine/Who wants to live forever/if it means lacking lox/I'd rather take my chances/and doctors all flummox. 


Google takes down maps made by Thai right-wingers targeting free speech activists.

(WaPo)

Thailand may be pretty/and full of orchids rare/but rarer still is free speech/among the tropic air/The generals and bigwigs/may smile at you with ease/but they will jug you quickly/if royalty you tease.

Monday, June 28, 2021

Today's Timericks: North Koreans 'heartbroken' by Kim's purported weight loss, Pyongyang resident tells state media. (CNN)

 



When your leader's Santa Clause/fat and jolly, there is cause/to be mournful when his weight/has begun to dissipate/Maybe it is meant to show/that their leader won't eat crow.


Why Young Adults Are Among the Biggest Barriers to Mass Immunity.

(NYT)

Young adults don't want a poke/to them it is just a joke/When will callow goslings learn/Mother Nature can be stern/She don't care about your age/when she's on a grim rampage.


Crossing the Red Line: Behind China’s Takeover of Hong Kong.

(NYT)

Beijing always thought it wrong/there was freedom in Hong Kong/so with smiles and vows of peace/Hong Kong's people they did fleece/Now in Hong Kong if you clash/with them all your dreams they smash.


Yankees Can’t Keep Taking the Weekends Off.

(NYT)

Abner Doubleday is spinning/cuz the Yanks have stopped their winning/Fans begin to doubt their prowess/when the team seems such a mou-ese/Casey at the Bat it seems/has become more than bad dreams.

Sunday, June 27, 2021

Today's Timericks: How Deceptive Campaign Fund-Raising Ensnares Older People. (NYT)

 




Old folks have a giving heart/That is how the scammers start/They will squeeze out ev'ry dime/working seniors overtime/When I'm asked to next donate/I'll tell 'em to go replicate!


Where Jobless Benefits Were Cut, Jobs Are Still Hard to Fill.

(NYT)

Stopping unemployment checks/hasn't helped the bottlenecks/that employers now do fear/as their workers disappear/With replacements nonexistent/empty shops remain persistent. 


Housing crisis poses crucial test for Biden administration’s economic plans.

(WaPo)

There's no place to live and no place to buy/So out on the street we will freeze or we'll fry/The answer is simple, and basically sound/Move ev'rybody to some nice campground.

Friday, June 25, 2021

Today's Timericks: They Seemed Like Democratic Activists. They Were Secretly Conservative Spies. (NYT)

 



SPY vs SPY.

Remember that?

New politics

have same format.


The Young Fall for Scams More Than Seniors Do. Time for a Warning.

(NYT)

My kids warn me

of balderdash,

then they invest

in cyber-cash.


Confident in Its Impunity, the Myanmar Junta Ignores Diplomacy.

(NYT)


In Rangoon,

with bodies strewn,

the junta grins --

admits no sins.