scams

 

 

ever since old Barnum had the Fiji mermaid shown

Americans their dollars on such stuff have always blown.

we like to think we're able to discern 'tween right and wrong;

but hucksters find us easy prey and rob us with a song.

because we think that money grows on trees across the street;

because we do not want to work, but gather manna sweet.

because we think we're owed so much in this here promised land --

the scammers can relieve us of at least a couple grand.

banks, of course, are quite legit, and so is Wall Street, too --

so if you lose your shirt to them you shouldn't feel too blue.

try crypto-coin or gold bullion for safety and repose.

(Me, I stuff my dollar bills inside some pantyhose.)

 

Bottled Water.

 

 

I drank from the garden hose as a kid.

It tasted of vinyl and something of squid.

But no one today would touch such a source;

'twould fill them with fear and likely remorse.

It's got to be bottled and from pristine spring --

and cannot be bought for just a shoestring.

 

Shakespeare's Lost Sonnet.

 

 

It was found behind an Elizabethan counterpane in a country home in Bedfordshire. Scholars are continuing to examine it closely.

 

Upon a stage of love, where all do play,
The roles of heart's desire and deceit.
In gowns of silk, women oft' hold sway,
Their whims like waves that doth in tempest meet.

They shimmer bright as morning's first sunray,
Yet, change their course as swiftly as the fleet.
Anon, they love, then turn their hearts away,
Their sweetness soured, turned bitter from the sweet.

Yet, is it they who flicker and do sway,
Or our desires that wax and swiftly wane?
Forsooth, our hearts do falter in the fray,
In passion's storm, love's vessel feels the strain.

In women's hearts, a fickle flame may glow,
Yet, 'tis our own reflections they do show.

A.I. Generated Sunday Sermon.

 

Using chat.openai I entered the command:

write a 600 word sermon on the importance of Jesus Christ to the world.

This is the result, unaltered by me:

Good morning, dear brothers and sisters.

Today, let's turn our hearts and minds toward the profound impact that Jesus Christ has had on our world. Jesus, whose teachings form the bedrock of our faith, has left an indelible imprint on the soul of humanity.

Our faith is centered on the belief that Jesus is the Son of God, the Messiah, sent to Earth as a beacon of divine love and redemption. His teachings were radical for the time. His message of love, forgiveness, and equality ushered in a new era of spiritual awakening and continues to guide billions in their daily lives.

In Jesus, we see a model for living that goes beyond mere human laws. He taught us the importance of seeing the divine spark in each individual and treating others as we would wish to be treated. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus reminds us, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12). This Golden Rule, echoed in religions and philosophies around the globe, continues to inspire individuals to lead lives of empathy, kindness, and compassion.

Jesus' sacrifice on the cross is the ultimate embodiment of His teachings, demonstrating the power of selfless love. He gave His life not for His own gain, but for the salvation of all mankind. He bore our sins, allowing us to reconcile with God. His resurrection signifies the triumph of life over death, love over hate, hope over despair. Through His sacrifice, Jesus established a new covenant with God and assured us of the potential for our own redemption and eternal life.

The world today is more interconnected than ever, and yet, divisions seem to be growing. We are challenged with the trials of intolerance, greed, and violence. Amidst such challenges, Jesus' teachings are more important than ever. He taught us to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies, to forgive, and to let go of hate. As He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Moreover, Jesus' message is not confined to our interpersonal relationships; it extends to our relationship with the natural world as well. In a time when environmental issues loom large, we remember that God appointed humanity as stewards of His creation. We are called to respect and protect the Earth, our shared home. Jesus' teachings inspire us towards a sustainable lifestyle that harmonizes with the creation, not against it.

In conclusion, the importance of Jesus Christ to the world cannot be overstated. His life, teachings, and sacrifice have shaped the course of human history and continue to guide billions of souls. His love and compassion represent the highest ideals of human nature. As we face the challenges of our modern world, let us remember the words of Jesus: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

May we strive to live in Jesus’ footsteps, practicing love, compassion, forgiveness, and stewardship in our everyday lives. By doing so, we keep His spirit alive and contribute to making the world a better place. Amen.

PLASTIC BAGS CONQUER THE EARTH! (dedicated to Kelly Cryderman.)

 

                    Martian saucers cleverly disguised as a street light.

 

NEWS BULLETIN

In a remarkable turn of events, the world has received unsettling information about the ordinary plastic bag. According to a groundbreaking international scientific study released today, these omnipresent blights on our environment have been deemed not only pollutants but also a sophisticated weapon of mass destruction designed by an advanced civilization on Mars.

Dr. Amelia K. Russo, head of the International Astrobiological Society, led the research team that made this startling discovery. "It appears that we've vastly underestimated the purpose and origins of plastic bags," she said at the press conference earlier today. "Our recent findings suggest they are a premeditated attack from extraterrestrial forces on Mars."

For years, scientists have warned about the ecological hazards of plastic bags: endangering wildlife, suffocating our oceans, and contributing to landfill waste. However, the Russo team's study now indicates that these bags are meticulously designed to slowly but inexorably erode Earth's environment, paving the way for a Martian invasion.

"What's ingenious, and utterly terrifying, is the subtlety of their approach," Dr. Russo elaborated. "The Martians have used our own consumerism and disregard for the environment against us, deploying these destructive agents under the guise of convenience. Each discarded bag not only pollutes our environment but also emits a biochemical signal towards Mars, alerting them to the readiness of our planet for takeover."

The study, carried out over five years and involving astrobiologists, chemists, physicists, and environmental scientists from all over the world, also revealed the likely timeline of the imminent Martian invasion. Based on the rate of signals being emitted by these plastic bags and the distance between Mars and Earth, the research team has estimated that the Martian forces are due to arrive in November 2024.

This revelation has sparked immediate response from governments worldwide, as a special session of the United Nations was convened to discuss this unprecedented threat. Secretary-General Amara Kofi called for a worldwide ban on the use of plastic bags and urged member countries to invest in research on countermeasures against the impending invasion.

"Immediate action is of utmost importance," said Kofi. "We are facing a threat not just to our environment but to our very existence. We must stand united to protect our planet and thwart these Martian plans."

Meanwhile, panic has begun to grip the world. The stock market has seen a massive sell-off, with the Dow plunging 20%. Many have started hoarding supplies and preparing for doomsday scenarios. Others, however, are skeptical, questioning the validity of the research and demanding further evidence.

Nevertheless, scientists worldwide have begun working on potential defense strategies and studying the plastic bags more closely to understand their construction and communication methods. Dr. Russo's team is urging the public to remain calm but vigilant.

"We are working around the clock," Dr. Russo said. "Our goal is to neutralize the Martian attack and ensure the safety of humanity. We are in a race against time, but I believe in our collective strength and ingenuity."

As the countdown to November 2024 begins, the world stands on a precipice. The humble plastic bag, long seen as a nuisance and environmental hazard, has now become a symbol of an extraterrestrial threat. Only time will tell how humanity responds to this Martian menace.

-ENDS-

The Carbon Savings Account. (Dedicated to Cloey Callahan.)

 

 

In the crossroads where profit and planet align,
A fresh path for savings doth shine.
Born of both duty and design,
The Carbon Savings Account, a solution fine.

Employees gather, their fortune to amass,
Under the green flag of sustainability, a novel class.
While business in its wisdom casts
A future-facing vision, breaking from the past.

CSAs, they call this emergent fund,
A boon to worker, Earth, and everyone.
Encouraging efficient homes, the work's not done,
Till every car reflects the warming sun.

Employers pave the way, their coins bestowed,
Helping each worker lighten their load.
Transitioning lifestyles, sustainable modes,
In the realm where finance and futures code.

Invested in the team, and Earth's protection,
Grows a symbiotic, virtuous connection.
Mutual benefit in this rare intersection,
Of corporate goals and eco-direction.

Account by account, house by house,
Silently, we combat the giant, Climate's spouse.
Investing in tomorrow, our hopes rouse,
In this green financial powerhouse.

So let the Carbon Savings Account take flight,
A beacon in the sustainability night.
Fostering futures, radiant and bright,
In the intersection of economy and Earth's right.

Lazy-Girl Job. (Dedicated to Katie Mogg.)

 

In the realm where daydreams take their flight,
There exists a role, so pure delight.
An idyllic post, void of stressful haze,
A 'Lazy-Girl Job' that truly amazes.

In her humble abode, she's found her nest,
Dressed in comfort, no need to impress.
Tasks unfold gently, no deadlines, no haste,
Work flowing like water, no drop goes to waste.

Emails, like birdsong, greet the day,
With words of encouragement that sway.
No hurried frenzy, nor anxious bite,
Just soft screen-glow in the hush of twilight.

The hours are hers to command and mold,
No overtime or tales of old.
A serene dance, her rhythm's own,
In this sanctuary where stress is unknown.

Management, like a cheering crowd,
Voices gentle, never loud.
Praises sung in digital notes,
Fostering success, casting hopeful quotes.

Payment arrives, like the moon's sure rise,
A sweet surprise that satisfies.
In this 'Lazy-Girl Job' of gentle sway,
Each day a gem, in its own unique way.

Thus unfolds this tranquil scene,
A 'Lazy-Girl Job', serene and clean.
A dream perhaps, or so it might seem,
A tale told in a wishful dream.

Incident at Hruska's Kolache Shop. Monday. July 24. 2023.

 

we were up at 5;30 this morning and on our way to the rec center by quarter to six. temperature inside the car was 76 degrees.

once home i immediately got my 'poet for hire' sign and went 3 blocks down center street to Hruska's Kolaches -- where I sat in my wheelchair, trolling for poetry commissions.  about an hour in a guy bought me an egg and sausage kolache, but otherwise it was a bust commission-wise.

even though dozens of people who had just finished the temple to temple 5k walk were lined up down the block to get a kolache. so i had a captive audience . . . but they were all philistines. barely looking at my sign.

still . . .  my sign continues to act as a magnet for the local maniacs.  today's loon was a slight young man with light brown hair who stopped to gaze madly at me and then demanded to know if i thought the provo police were sexist pigs.  i chose to ignore him, turning my head away.  he continued to accost me with growing volume and obscenity until he finally became so frustrated at my silence that he slapped me on the face and then hurried away, still yelling about the provo police and filming himself on facebook (he said.)  his actions upset several small children waiting in line with their parents so they began to cry.  no doubt someone will complain to the kolache management about the incident, getting it all wrong and blaming me for the unpleasantness so that the manager will ask me not to ply my wares there anymore the next time i go back.  i'm glad amy and i are going to the temple tomorrow morning.  i'm getting tired of either being ignored with my sign or drawing lunatics to me like flies.

still, it beats working for a living.

the rest of the day will be spent serving a free lunch of pulled pork with rice and cornbread.  Then settling back with amy (who went to springville this morning to bug goat's milk and shop at the walmart) to watch maybe a dozen or so episodes of the blacklist . . . for the second time.  Oh, and amy did the laundry this morning. i'm wearing a diaper now so that she doesn't have to do the whites quite so often.

isn't life wunnerful?

Heinie Manush.

China fixes her economy. A Fantasy. (Dedicated to Stella Yifan Xie.)

 

 

Upon the dragon’s mighty back, an empire’s weight does lay,
A pulsing heart of commerce, that beats both night and day.
Yet even dragons tire, and economies must bend,
For to invincible wealth, there is no certain end.

An offering to prosperity, a levy on the small,
A tax on sticks of bamboo, that feed them one and all.
Chopsticks, the humble servants, in every noodle's swirl,
Their price now borne by common folk, both boy and girl.

A grumble rises in the streets, a stir in the night market's din,
A tax on such a simple tool, can it be a win?
Their cups of tea grow bitter, their dim sum tastes of worry,
For an economy in flux, makes the future blurry.

Yet in this trial, a purpose, as leaders make their play,
To stoke the fires of industry, in a bold, unyielding way.
A gamble on their future, a bet against the tide,
To fortify their position, and hold their global stride.

The dragon stirs uneasily, sensing the people's plight,
Yet steadfast in its course, believing in its might.
A gambit to reclaim its strength, to bolster and secure,
The wealth of many at the cost, the few must now endure.

Yet chopsticks are more than tools, they are a symbol dear,
Of culture, history, unity, things the heart holds near.
The dragon must take heed of this, amidst its grand plan,
For the spirit of its people, is the true strength of this land.

So here lies China's paradox, in the hands of the humble and the great,
Can a stronger economy, and the people's will equate?
The dragon’s path is arduous, filled with both hope and strife,
In the balance hangs prosperity, the very pulse of life.

Horror Movies. (Dedicated to Stephanie Palazzolo.)

 

 

When shadows danced with dim moonlight, we reveled in our spooky plight,
Screen flickering with monstrous delight, nightmares conjured in the dead of night.
Dracula's charm, Frankenstein's groan, filled our hearts and chilled our bones,
The Blob consumed, the Mummy moaned, youth's laughter met with eerie tones.

In PJ's huddled, faces aglow, we'd journey where few dared to go,
Witnessing terror's grand tableau, amid the flicker of the picture show.
Oh, how we'd gasp when zombies crept, secrets of the undead kept,
The fearsome tales that made us wept, in our minds forever slept.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon, under a melancholy moon,
Struck a note of haunting tune, made us shriek and howl like loons.
Yet, it wasn't simply fear's embrace, but the wonder of that eerie space,
Where we could meet a monster's face, and feel alive in that chase.

Then, beneath the quilt we'd dive, as if to hide or to survive,
Every scene, so alive, made our young hearts strive.
Eyes wide in terror, hearts ablaze, lost in that cinematic haze,
In those times of naive craze, we lived our best of days.

Each monstrous tale, a treasured lore, left us always wanting more,
Sleep would find us on the floor, dreaming of what was in store.
In silver screens of yesteryears, we found joy amongst our fears,
Echoes of those laughter-tears, still resound in aging ears.

Now the reels of time have spun, those days of monsters, fear, and fun,
A glorious era, forever done, under a setting, ghostly sun.
Oh, the tales we could regale, of moonlight monsters, ghostly pale,
In the heart of childhood's tale, our love for horror will never fail.